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Original poster

Dh doesn't want a second baby

48 replies

SilverSand · 23/08/2010 18:00

Dh & I have been together for 13 years, and have 1 dd (age 5). We've had our ups and downs but get on pretty well now - but I am 39 (nearly 40) and would love to have a go at having a second child before its too late. He is adamant that he doesn't want a second child - and its causing a huge rift between us.

He was never exactly the marriage & kids type. I got pregnant almost straightaway after we stopped using contraception and he didn't enjoy being a father until our dd was around 3. So I did far the most of looking after dd (which I didn't mind as I was so happy to be a mother). But he never really got involved & I think he missed out on so much. Now he is much more involved - and he is a great and much more committed dad.

What I don't understand is how he can say on the one hand that he loves our dd and is glad that we had her - but on other doesn't want to "endure more years of babyness". If its turned out so well, I just don't understand why he doesn't want to give it another go and be more involved the next time round.

He won't really talk about it - he just says that he has no desire for a 2nd child and he would feel trapped. But we are already married, have a house & a child. I don't want to be resentful but I feel that he is being selfish now and he will regret when he is older. I would love my dd to have a sibling - she often asks if she will have a brother/sister one day.

Am I wrong to try and persuade him? Why does he have any biological urges to procreate like other men? Your help please

OP posts:

Squitten · 23/08/2010 18:38

Tough situation...

His opinion is a perfectly valid one I'm afraid. We all know that having children is very full on and little ones are very hard work. Once you've done with the nappies, the sleepless nights, the BF/FF, I can completely understand someone saying that they don't want to go back to that. As you say, it took him a long time to get to grips with being a father the first time around and perhaps he is anxious about going through that again.

Feeling trapped is an odd thing to say though. As you say, he won't be any less committed to his family than he is now. He's not being selfish, he just doesn't want any more children. He's allowed to think that.

You can certainly try and persuade him, just so long as you don't try anything daft like having an "accident". I think you probably need to really lay it out how important it is to you - maybe suggest some couple's counselling to explore the issue?

LynetteScavo · 23/08/2010 18:50

You probably aren't going to be able to persuade him.

I was where you are now. I told DH I was stopping using contraception and left everything up to nature. (after the rows where we were both adamant)

DH later said "Coming off the pill isn't the same as trying for a baby"

Ragwort · 23/08/2010 18:57

Sorry you are in this position but its almost impossible to reach a compromise - I allowed my DH to 'persuade' me to have a DC when I really didn't want one - of course I have to accept responsibility as I could have walked away from my marriage - but it wasn't an ideal way in which to bring a child into the world and although, on the surface, I am reasonably sure I am seen as a pretty OK sort of mum it is not what I would have chosen - which is, of course, seriously unfair on my DS.

If you have one DC and your DH is happy - I really recommend you stay that way.

colditz · 23/08/2010 19:01

Never force a child onto someone. It won't be good for your relationship and it wouldn't be good for the child.

What if one of your female friends was to say to you that her husband was pressuring her into having another baby after she failed to bond with the first baby until it was a toddler, and feels trapped at the thought of it?

You are being unreasonable and you are being very selfish to pressure your husband like this.

colditz · 23/08/2010 19:03

And for some people, the early years are a living hell. I feel like I'm just coming out of the nightmare now, because my youngest starts school in September. I don't like babies. I will never have any more.

violethill · 23/08/2010 19:43

No one should ever pressurise someone else into fathering or mothering a child.

It's a joint decision and a joint responsibility. TBH it sounds as though he's unlikely to change his mind, as he didn't get very involved with his dd until she was 3, and he clearly found the early years an endurance test rather than a pleasure.

There just isn't any right or wrong about how many children anyone should have - you can be a perfectly happy family unit with the three of you. I know it must be hard, but you have no right to resent him; he has taken on his parenting responsibilities, even though he struggled with the early years, you say he's great now. He has a right to only want to father one child.

DontCallMeBaby · 23/08/2010 19:47

Whatever happens, please don't interpret the contradiction that you see between him saying he loves your DD and not wanting another as meaning he doesn't love your DD. It is perfectly possible to ADORE the child you have but want another one like you want the proverbial hole in the head.

scurryfunge · 23/08/2010 19:53

My DH was the same....he never wanted a second child where I did. DS is now 15, I'm 43 and it is never likely to happen now.

We did talk about it and he just cherished his life back once the baby years were over....sleep, holidays, doing what he wanted again. I couldn't persuade him but cannot force my opinion on him either.

Original poster

SilverSand · 23/08/2010 19:54

Thanks everyone for replying. Its helpful to see different perspectives even if you are not saying what I would like to hear.

No I won't do anything silly like having an "accident" - I can't even contemplate bringing a child into the world that wasn't wanted or was resented. If we do have another one, it will be because they were wanted by both of us.

Maybe it does sound selfish - on the other hand, I look at him now how he is with dd and I think you would love another one just as much (after the baby years). So I feel I am taking more of a long term view. I am well aware that it would be mainly me up most of the nights and giving up my life again - I am also quite pleased to have some time to myself now dd is a bit older. I feel willing to make that sacrifice again for the sheer joy of having another child and I so wish he felt the same.

But you misunderstand me if you think I am pressurising him Colditz - I haven't made any ultimatums or said that we have to have another child. I haven't even tried to persuade him (yet) - I decided to try mumsnet first because I'm very uneasy about the thought of having a child that isn't really wanted. I've just told him how I felt - but he refuses to talk about it. Guess that's what bothering me & why we have reached an impasse - it seems so unfair that he won't discuss something so important that we can't "undo" later.

OP posts:

colditz · 23/08/2010 20:38

He won't discuss it because he's made his mind up, and actually you don't really want to discuss it, you want to persuade him to change his mind.

LynetteScavo · 23/08/2010 20:41

It doesn't sound selfish at all.

EightiesChick · 23/08/2010 20:43

I see the fairness of a child being wanted by both parents, both parents have the right to veto etc. But I am just a tiny bit bothered by the 'I would be trapped' line. How much more trapped would he be than he is now?

colditz · 23/08/2010 20:46

He'd be trapped back at the baby stage, trapped paying for another baby that he didn't want, trapped in a family he didn't plan for.

How would you feel if you did have another baby and he moved out, and only agreed to access with the child you already have?

Original poster

SilverSand · 23/08/2010 20:47

Just realised something rather sad (following on from your post DontCallMeBaby).

I don't interpret the contradiction between him saying he loves our dd and not wanting another as meaning he doesn't love our dd - I interpret it as he doesn't love me.

It makes me feel less of a woman (second rate?) that he doesn't want to father another child with me.

OP posts:

colditz · 23/08/2010 20:48

That's your issue and it's not fair to make it his.

sorrento56 · 23/08/2010 20:49

Do you want another baby or do you want another of DH's baby?

maktaitai · 23/08/2010 20:59

It is hard. It's really hard. DS is an only, likely to remain so, and I know he would love a sibling. But I have to say that in recent years I have seen a lot of couples struggle really badly after the second child, even after a second child that they both really wanted. Many couples seem to find that 1 to 2 is absolutely fine, but plenty find it a seriously tough jump. I'm friends with a couple who have split following essentially 4 years of no sleep with number 2. It is not a given that everything will be all right, and it's only worth it if both of you want to do it. IMO.

Original poster

SilverSand · 23/08/2010 21:02

I would like most in the world if dh turned round and said "SS I would love to have another baby with you because I love you and I want to create something special with you that we can share". I look at other families and imagine how they looked forward to and hoped for a baby. And I wish that I could share that happiness with dh & I am disappointed when I think we will never experience that together.

I want to create another life with him, the man that I love, a person who we can look after and grow and help make their way in the world. Just like we do with our dd.

I wish he felt the same way as me.

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 23/08/2010 21:04

Neither dh or I want another child. I would be devestated if I became pregnant. It's not up for discussion as although we both love our 2 kids to bits we dont want anymore no matter what persuaion was used.

sorrento56 · 23/08/2010 21:04

So what are you going to do? Can you live with him knowing he doesn't want the same things as you and won't give you what you want? My DH said no to more babies but tbh he was right to do so. I am just trying to work out if this is a deal breaker for either of you.

LynetteScavo · 23/08/2010 21:21

"I look at other families and imagine how they looked forward to and hoped for a baby."

But it's not like that for a lot of people...they are just struggling though what life throws at them.

MsGee · 23/08/2010 21:27

I know its very difficult because I have been there. All I can suggest is that you learn to come to terms with his decision and enjoy the family that you have. And I know that this is difficult so please don't think that I am saying this flippantly.

My situation is slightly different but I found an only child board (not sure if I can post links to other websites!) but it was incredily helpful to enable me to come to terms with our situation as it is at the moment.

It is however, not a reflection on his love for you. Perhaps if you show him that you are coming to terms with sticking with one child he might meet you half way and open up. Now that I understand my DH position, I am less inclined to want to change his mind (of course I would love circumstances to be different or for him to get there himself but...). It might simply be a case that he finds his family perfect and doesn't want to change the status quo.

helicopterview · 23/08/2010 21:30

Is your relationship strong and happy? Are you in love? Do you trust him? Are you really 'together'?

I only ask because I always wanted a third child, but my h said, no, 2's enough. But what I know now is that he meant he didn't love me enough to have another child with me. He'd had an affair unbeknownst to me. We are now divorcing.

The to-have-or-not-to-have-a-baby issue was a barometer of our relationship.

For me, wanting only one is a bit odd. Most people want to give their child a sibling, even if they didn't enjoy the baby bit. We all know it's hard work, but over in a flash, and worth it in the end.

I think if you really want another, he's being selfish. he could change his mind down the road, and it would be too late for you.

pranma · 23/08/2010 21:35

All my life I have hated being an only child.It wasn't so bad when I was young with lots of cousins etc around but now I feel so alone in that part of my life-there is no one to share childhood memories,there was no one to mourn my parents with me.Dc have no aunts or uncles so I am glad they have each other.My ds has chosen to have just one dc but he lives in Turkey and has been received into a very large extended family.
I hope your dh will change his mind but if he doesnt do be aware of your dd's need to relate closely to cousins etc as far as possible.

Original poster

SilverSand · 23/08/2010 21:35

I don't know what to do to be honest. Have a think about it & work out what I feel about us being a 1 child family. Which is rather sad at the moment. I come from a big family and I liked having lots of siblings & cousins to play with. Dd seems a bit lonely in comparison.

The worst thing that is that dh won't talk to me about it which I find really hard. Its like he's closed the door and won't let me in. We talked about it briefly last night, and now he's being cold and unfriendly again.

OP posts:

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