Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Dh doesn't want a second baby

48 replies

SilverSand · 23/08/2010 18:00

Dh & I have been together for 13 years, and have 1 dd (age 5). We've had our ups and downs but get on pretty well now - but I am 39 (nearly 40) and would love to have a go at having a second child before its too late. He is adamant that he doesn't want a second child - and its causing a huge rift between us.

He was never exactly the marriage & kids type. I got pregnant almost straightaway after we stopped using contraception and he didn't enjoy being a father until our dd was around 3. So I did far the most of looking after dd (which I didn't mind as I was so happy to be a mother). But he never really got involved & I think he missed out on so much. Now he is much more involved - and he is a great and much more committed dad.

What I don't understand is how he can say on the one hand that he loves our dd and is glad that we had her - but on other doesn't want to "endure more years of babyness". If its turned out so well, I just don't understand why he doesn't want to give it another go and be more involved the next time round.

He won't really talk about it - he just says that he has no desire for a 2nd child and he would feel trapped. But we are already married, have a house & a child. I don't want to be resentful but I feel that he is being selfish now and he will regret when he is older. I would love my dd to have a sibling - she often asks if she will have a brother/sister one day.

Am I wrong to try and persuade him? Why does he have any biological urges to procreate like other men? Your help please

OP posts:

sorrento56 · 23/08/2010 21:36

You need to tell him that you need to talk about it and you want him to listen. You will then listen to how he feels. You will then have to decide how you move forward.

helicopterview · 23/08/2010 22:42

I wonder if you should go to couples counseling if he won't talk and the door is closed. If he loves you he'll be open to the idea. You haven't got time to waste . I think it would help you really hear what each other's saying.

At the end of the day there's no compromise position, is there? One of you need to bend to the other, and be OK with it.

colditz · 23/08/2010 22:47

I love my boyfriend, he is a fantastic father to the children he has and a massively positive influence on the children I have. I am NOT open to the idea of having another baby because I don't want to have another baby. Not because I don't love him!

It's emotional blackmail to say "if you loved me you would..."

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 24/08/2010 00:05

Could you consider adopting an older child - maybe 3/4 years old so that you are not looking at going through the baby stage again?

Original poster

SilverSand · 24/08/2010 06:03

Managed to have a chat with dh last night and found out some things that help clarify the situation. At least why he thinks I would be "trapping" him if we had another baby.

The 2nd child thing is something that I have tried to talk about with him over the last 3 years or so - but there's always been something else he says that we need to do first. We moved country, changed jobs, got dd settled etc etc. So this is the first time really that I have tried to have a serious chat with him about it - because time for me is running out really.

So unfortunate truths are:

When we first got together he had a fling with one of my friends. I knew there was something not good about this as one evening I thought they were being a bit too flirty with each other - and asked him about it at the time but he denied it and I put it down as inappropriate drunken behaviour. And it didn't seem to be repeated.

When I was 6 months pregnant, he met someone else - someone who he had been interested in before he met me. They had some sort of relationship for around 9 months before and after our dd was born. He says no sex although he wanted to. She ended it because mutual friends found out about their relationship. Guess that explains his lack of emotional involvement when dd was born.

He says he decided to stay with me until dd was 5 - because he thinks that after 5 a child is more independent? And presumably can cope with their parents splitting up? So now dd is 5 he doesn't want another child because then he feels he would have to stay another 5 years.

So now I really don't know what to do - its not about having another child, its about why he has been stringing me along if he doesn't want to be with me. I feel like telling him to just go away and let me find someone who does want to be with me. I must have been a back-up option for him all these years. Was sad before but am very sad now.

OP posts:

mummytime · 24/08/2010 06:12

Oh no! I'm sure someone else will be along soon to give you more practical advice, but I just wanted to give you my sympathy and a un-mumsnet hug!

Do you have anyone RL you can talk to? Are you overseas at present?

(If you feel angry, however reasonable he thinks he has been you have every right to be.)

BooKangaWonders · 24/08/2010 06:16

SS I'm so sorry :(

Not sure what to add, but hoping someone wise will come along soon.

ClimberChick · 24/08/2010 06:24

So sorry SS, I guess you've got a lot of thinking to do.

How do you feel about him (even before you found this out)?

tadjennyp · 24/08/2010 06:41

That's really awful OP. You need to work out how you feel about him and make a decision about your life and what you want. Did he apologise for the way he'd behaved. Hope you get some peace soon.

poshsinglemum · 24/08/2010 06:54

What an absolute idiot. Hope your ok op. I think you need to seriously consider your options here. personally I couldn't be with someone like that. Being a single mum is bettre than being with a looser.

violethill · 24/08/2010 08:09

Well at least you know where you stand, and that another child is absolutely out of the question.

He has clearly bottled all of this up as he's only now come clean when you've pushed him into this discussion.

I don't know what to advise, you have a lot of work ahead of you, whether you remain with him or leave. How awful for you to discover all of this.

LynetteScavo · 24/08/2010 08:30

Oh, SilverSands!

Another baby with this man really is out of the question.

At least you understand his view now, but you must be feeling so awful. I'm so for you.

skidoodly · 24/08/2010 08:41

So has he moved out yet?

What an utter, utter shitbag.

Bunbaker · 24/08/2010 08:59

I think the clue is in the statement you made about your husband not enjoying your daughter until she was no longer a baby. I don't think it has anything at all to do with how he feels about you.

Some men simply don't enjoy babies, they enjoy little people who they can have a two way relationship with.

I'll be honest, I didn't really enjoy my daughter until she was about 9 months old. Babies don't interact with you the way children do and quite often all they do is feed, cry, sh*t and sleep and don't give much back.

I totally understand why your OH doesn't want to endure more years of babyness. For a start it will upset the current family dynamics, it will affect your relationship with him (possibly not for the better).

Assuming he must have biological urges to procreate like other men is not true. There are a great many men who don't want any children let alone more than one.

If he is adamant that he doesn't want more children then unfortunately you will have to accept it. After all there are a great deal more worse things that can happen in life.

Bunbaker · 24/08/2010 09:02

I hadn't read the other posts when I wrote my message. I'm so sorry that he has let you down like this.

sorrento56 · 24/08/2010 09:39

It is a devastating blow but at least now you know. I think you need to take charge now. You can not live like this until your dd is five and then wave him off. You need to think whether you can live with him for the rest of your life now that you know this. The affairs are almost secondary to him planning to leave when your dd is 5.

You want another baby. You live with a man who doesn't want to be with you and your child forever. Think about it.

Squitten · 24/08/2010 10:31

Oh no!

At least now you know what's really going on. I don't think this situation is at ALL what you deserve. He has made it clear that he wants to leave and I would let him - right now. Why should you and your DD be forced to continue playing families until he gets the guts to walk?

I think you have waited long enough to have what you want and this could, eventually, be the opportunity to take control of your life.

differentnameforthis · 24/08/2010 10:47

If you do 'persuade' him & he gives in, how can you know he really wants that child & isn't just doing what you want for a quiet life?

Because if that happens, he will resent the baby & that would affect bonding for more than 3 years.

What if he is scared that he won't bond & it won't fix itself at 3yrs?

If he isn't discussing it, then I would say that he sees there as being nothing to discuss. How can you?

and actually you don't really want to discuss it, you want to persuade him to change his mind

Agree completely!

EightiesChick · 24/08/2010 10:52

Yes, I think now this is out there, he has to go right away. You and your DD deserve better than someone who is hanging around out of some weird sense of obligation but also not pulling his weight and thinking of you as a family. So sorry it has turned out this way. What is that saying? 'when someone tells you who they are, believe them'. His true colours were there in the 'trapped' remark, but he didn't have the guts either to make his family work or to be fully honest with you about it.

Squitten is right - your life could be totally different, and much better, a year from now.

differentnameforthis · 24/08/2010 10:55

Sorry OP, didn't see your last message. At least you know the truth now.

maktaitai · 24/08/2010 20:40

God how awful. It just shows how accurate instinct can be.

Your decisions can at least now be made with the truth known.

Is it possible that now he has let all this festering stuff out, he might actually discover that he loves you after all? Not that you have to persuade yourself to stay with him. But if it makes a difference, it may be worth finding out.

twolittlemonkeys · 24/08/2010 20:48

Oh no how awful. The worst thing you could have expected from having an open discussion about his reasons. I can't imagine how you must feel right now, but better to know than to have another child with him. I don't think I could remain with someone who saw me as their 'back-up option' who they only stayed with out of a sense of obligation towards their child. Very sorry for you.

NotANaturalGeordie · 24/08/2010 23:21

So sorry for you, you must be devastated. you should ask him to leave sooner rather than later, as the longer he stays the more it will undermine your confidence. As to the age of your DD, the younger she is, the more adaptable to change she will be and the quicker she get over any trauma. I mean, if he hasn't really taken an interest in her before....
that was catty of me, sorry. I am angry on your behalf. take some time to think about what you want from your dh, and I think you will find that your current dh no longer fits the bill.

Flip

1 2