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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

competition........who has the worst relationship on mumsnet

69 replies

stitch · 29/08/2005 11:56

i keep reading about other peoples troubles. makes me think. but want this to be reasonably lighthearted discussion.

so come on, fess up. who has it the worst?

OP posts:
Toothache · 30/08/2005 11:34

Fuzzywuzzy - His credit rating is too bad (from before I met him). He can't even get Switch card (thankfully!!). He's 6 yrs older than me.... wouldn't think it though, would you?

It's just awful at the moment. It isn't always awful..... but particularly bad at the moment. We just can't talk to each other without getting each others backs up and ending up screaming at each other. Had 2 appointments for Counselling that we've had to turn down as we have nobody to look after the kids. At a total loss as to what to do. Nothing I say makes a difference to him. He's full of grand gestures that last no longer than a few HOURS sometimes.

Have I mentioned that he's a pig?

BadgerBadger · 30/08/2005 11:45

My (not so D)H has humiliated me during sex for over 3 years.
The first time he humiliated me, I thought we were 'making love' he then called me a b!tch out of the blue, got rough and has hurt me 9 times out of 10 since, because he's been so viscious.

The saddest aspect of this is that he convinced me this was normal, and that I'm the one with a problem (for a preferance for gentle over rough and not being called a bitch amongst other things, oh, and not being pinned down).

He's caused me to question my sexuality, I honestly don't think I can have a relationship with a man again.

I know this is a lighthearted thread, so here's the good bit.......
I now know I'm not wrong, wierd or deserving of this! The scales have fallen

(and I'm seeing a solicitor later in the week )

expatinscotland · 30/08/2005 11:47

See a counselor, too, Badger. This man is a rapist with SERIOUS problems.

I think I'd go through a LONG course of therapy before even entertaining the thought of another relationship, be it with a man or woman.

Toothache · 30/08/2005 11:54

Whoa there BadgerBadger... YOU WIN! God that is terrible, thank goodness you are strong enough to get out of there!!!! on your behalf, what a disturbed, sick man he is.

BadgerBadger · 30/08/2005 12:38

Yes, I've come to my senses (or regained them, rather!).

Thing is, up until literally a few days ago, I still considered him 'my rock' in so many ways. His personality is generally one of gentleness and kindness. No one who knows him would think for a second that there is a darker side to him, IYSWIM? It really is only the sexual aspect of our relationship that is skewed, that's why it's taken so long, I think, for me to come around.

Anyway......here's to the future!!

lifts imaginary glass of imaginary alcohol in a toast

Original poster
stitch · 30/08/2005 12:41

its ok nighty, i realised this couldnt be a light hearted thread. its just too serious a subject.
badger, lots of hugs. hope you have the strength to get through this. we havent had sex in five months, and i thought that was awful, (im desperate for som right now, .
name calling, belittling in front of the kids. why do they all do it? last set of arguments, i got called lots of classist things. never knew he had that in him.

OP posts:
Original poster
stitch · 30/08/2005 12:41

badger, have you read any of dan savages advice? there might be something in there to help you.

OP posts:
stressedmummy · 30/08/2005 13:04

Badger, that is awful!
Glad you are taking steps to getting out though.
Toothache, have you confided in your HV about any of the issues with your H?

Toothache · 30/08/2005 13:06

SM - I haven't spoken to my HV since shortly after dd was born. Do you think I should??

stressedmummy · 30/08/2005 13:11

Yes I do.
I contacted my HV a couple of months back (had not had her round before then since ds2 was a baby & he is 2.5 now) & she has been a tower of strength for me!
She comes round once a fourtnight to visit me & has opened my eyes a lot.
She has arranged for me to have counselling & has informed me of a freedom training course which starts next month, she has even offered to accompany me on the first one!
They are well trained in all areas of DV.
It is definitely worth you hetting in touch with her.

stressedmummy · 30/08/2005 13:12

That should obviously say getting, not hetting!

Toothache · 30/08/2005 13:17

Thanks SM. We definitely need some sort of mediation though. We both have valid gripes, we both have upset one another.... but it runs so deep that there can't seem to be a 'normal' arguement anymore. They all end up massive and verbally abusive. He doesn't listen to me, he concentrates on things like: the tone of my voice, words I use which he doesn't think accurate portrays what I mean. EG. I'll say "why did you storm out the room?" He'll say "I didn't STORM out the room at all." Then we will have an argument about the word storm and what I meant by that..... therefore, totally detracting from the original issue. He's very good at that. We NEED someone to sit there and let each other talk and respond appropriately.

Toothache · 30/08/2005 13:20

Oh I think I'll print off my last post and let him read it! It sums up a LOT!

stressedmummy · 30/08/2005 13:22

Some kind of marraige guidence, or family therepy maybe?
It may well be worth getting in touch with your HV all the same, as she will be able to point you in the right direction.
I have finally got my H to go to his gp & see about anger management, although it looks like a long waiting list.
I have been on at him for months to go & he has put it off & put it off.
It is only now that he realises that our marraige is in danger that he has actually done something about it.

stressedmummy · 30/08/2005 13:24

Have you tried sitting down & having a serious talk with him about the things that are upsetting you with the marraige. (When he is in a calm mood though!)

Toothache · 30/08/2005 13:35

SM - We have had to turn down 2 appointments with a relationship Counsellor as we can't get anyone to watch the children....
I have sat down and spoken to him calmly about this SO many times now it's getting ridiculous. Nothing matters to him when he gets angry..... its the same pattern over and over and over again no matter what has been discussed. GOD I'm getting angry at him just typing this!!!!!

Toothache · 30/08/2005 13:39

Thanks SM.... think we might be a lost cause though. I just don't feel like he loves me enough to make that much of an effort. If I tell him that I feel like he doesn't like me, let alone love me he gets angry saying that that's my problem..... that he does love me. Doesn't he see it as his responsibility to SHOW love towards me? No matter how horrible he is, or what he calls me, or how many times he tells me hates me..... I'm just supposed to assume that he loves me still.

stressedmummy · 30/08/2005 13:39

It's horrible isn't it?
My H is the same & what gets to me is the fact that in their eyes they are NEVER in the wrong & have this way of twisting things around so that you blame yourself.
It has got to the stage where I am beginning to really hate myself, because of how he makes me feel about myself IYSWIM?
Do you not have anyone that could mind the kids for you for a couple of hours?

Toothache · 30/08/2005 13:43

SM - Thats exactly it. I am starting to hate this weak pathetic person I am becoming. A few years ago I'd have just slapped him and sent him on his way with his tail between his legs. Since I've had PND though I've become 'needy' and my DH can't handle me needing him for anything..... even a bit of a cuddle. I used to be the strong one.... now neither of us are, where do we go from here? (I know nobody can answer that).

My Mum stays a half hour drive from us and always likes to point out how busy she is. Especially the one day she watches our children. Apart from her there really is nobody that could.

stressedmummy · 30/08/2005 13:43

Feel very for you TA.
Does he see that there is actually a problem with the marraige?

Toothache · 30/08/2005 13:45

Oh yes SM he knows. When I tell him how low I'm feeling and how sad it makes me that he doesn't feel the need to show any affection towards me, he manages to turn it into a competition about who is more miserable.

stressedmummy · 30/08/2005 13:47

That sounds familiar too!
I always get the "You don't love me like you used to" line.
I tell him that he doesn't make himself very lovable!
Have you confided in any RL friends?

stressedmummy · 30/08/2005 13:49

I had PND as well, after ds2.
H was a lot to do with it though, due to his reaction to both the pregnancy & birth, but that's another thread in itself!

Toothache · 30/08/2005 13:50

SM - Awful eh?

No I'm too embarassed to admit it to my RL friends. They would just tell me to either leave him or make him see how I feel..... I can't seem do either at the moment. My closest friends don't have children, aren't married etc etc..... they wouldn't understand at all.

Toothache · 30/08/2005 13:55

SM - In hindsight I have to hold DH partially responsible for my PND too ( or rather for how long it carried on for). It all went down hill when I saw how little support he could give me emotionally. He was useless when I needed him so much. Just shouted at me when I cried and kept telling me I was selfish for falling apart. I lost all respect for him and nearly had a full blown affair when ds was 6mths old. He found out I was friends with this guy and went mental (understandably).... he lost all respect for me then. That was all 4 yrs ago now, but the wounds run deep and things always get cast up.

Maybe I should have left H then when I thought I had the chance to.