I believe I can't love anyone - v.long

[lostFeelings]

I need your honest opinion.
Thanks for reading it and I hope that what I've writthn is going to make sense to you...

I believe I can't love anyone and I never have in the past.

Have 2 children, who are very important to me (age 11 and 13) but when I am away from them I don't really miss them.
I am separated now, when I was marrying my ex I knew I didn't love him - I married him for security and I feel made him very unhappy in the process. Our marriage lasted 13 years, now due to financial reasons we are still sharing the same house and finances but are like flatmates. This set up is not very stressful or demanding at the moment, but the plan is he's moving out around February.
Kids now we are divorcing, but obviously would prefer if we all lived together...
I don't really miss my family but love seeing them when I go to visit (once, max twice a year).

My ex felt there was something missing in our relationship, not being in love resulted in very infrequent sex and eventually no sex at all. I frequently told him I was in love with him, sometimes even I believed in what I was saying...
We weren't happy for many years (different temperaments and characters) and occasionally discussed splitting, but neither wanted to do it just like that.
In the end he cheated on me and after an initial shock of us splitting (mutual and drama free) I understood his motives and let go of my pain. He sees the same gf ever since, I know she moved to live closer to here but he never hinted of taking kids to see her. I think kids don't know she exists, they just assume he goes to see some friends and is staying for sleepover.

I had quite painful childhood, my mum died when I was 18 months old, was brought up by my GP (her parents) who are dead now (I should mention that apart from being grateful I never felt I loved them).
My father was distant, turned an alcoholic after my mum died - he was only 25.

Had his second family and tried to involve me in it ( once a year visit by him to collect me, never let GP know he was coming and I had to go, as GP believed I needed to keep in touch, I didn't feel forced, was always excited as a kid etc). In the end we didn't talk for over 20 years as my SM accused me of stealing some money and jewellery from them which I didn't take. But I was so hurt I couldn't bring myself to keep in touch with them. I forgave both of them last year - he was in the end diagnosed with cancer, my half-sister got hold of my address and contacted me. I went to see him and that was a big relieve for me, that I didn't have to feel angry with him any more... (if you know what I mean). My sister also told me more stories about her childhood and I realized that I was actually better off not being near him as his addiction made her and SM life very miserable.
My feeling of feeling abandoned disappeared...

At the age of 26 I emigrated. It was after finishing Uni and starting my own business there. I felt I wanted to live abroad and was very excited just looking after myself without having to worry about anyone else. I was brought up Roman Catholic so wasn't promiscuous, lost my virginity after Uni at 24 to someone I think now was the first man I fell in love with. But he wasn't really interested and didn't even had guts to break it up properly and i was naive to believe we were together until he started avoiding me....
Then I had 2 more BF ( before coming to UK ) both weren't honest with me about their past/intentions.

When I came here had relationships but looking back all were rooted in me feeling lonely and needing confirmation that I was worthy of someone's attention. None lasted longer than few months and I am not friends with any of them.

Now, after splitting with my ex I went through very painful period trying to understand who I really am and what motivates me.
This log journey of soul searching made me realize - I never really loved anyone in my life. I feel very sad (and sorry for myself) that love, which is such a big part of other people's lives is not touching my life.

I was on the dating sites, had many dates in the last 18 months. Turned down even more...
I had sex with some of those guys on the first date, no physical contact with others.
None of those who I felt any chemistry towards were interested in me.

At the the moment I am not dating but fell I need sex.
I am very close to finding a regular partner just for sex as I miss it. Not here but maybe having regular meets in a hotel or at that guy's place. There are more than enough to choose from so that should be no problem.

What do I do next?
Has anyone else felt the same about their emotional life?
I have many female friends who are close to me and I shared with them some aspects of my problems but never really had a "best friend" who knew everything about me.
Only recently I got close to one friend but she lives in Canada, so obviously we only chat on the phone and she's been great support to me (as are others too).
I was always dealing with all my breakups myself, am am considered to be very strong person, worked very hard to establish my career here whilst kids were very small.

How do I find out a good counselor - can counseling help in my situation?
London or South East is where I can commute to, but money are bit tight now, so would prefer not having to pay lots of money per visit.
On the net where I looked at their websites they all sound fantastic...
I am on mild antidepressants for the past few months and that helped me to have better sleep and be more relaxed and more focused, so very fortunate to have found solution to tiredness and being weepy...
Didn't have suicidal thoughts, I am very positive person and really blessed with kids who I have no problems with. Always glass half full :)

Any suggestions what should I do next?

Admittedly I don't go out of the house much now I don't work, but am hoping to start job hunt next month (after 2 redundancies and a year at uni).

My hobbies are on hold for ages now - I know I should get back to things I used to enjoy like mountaineering, camping and knitting... But reading

What are you thoughts?

My first thoughts are that possibly due to the trauma of losing your mother (and effectively your father) at such a tender age, your attachment behaviour is different to many people's - perhaps some damage occurred to the way in which you perceived relationships with those most crucial and important to you.

It would definitely be worth having some serious therapy - it can really help if you put in the time, but it could take years to see a significant change - during that time you may well feel 'different' and that you are on a journey, but these things can be deeply integrated into our minds so it takes a while to unravel them iyswim.

You sound like your Grandparents' upbringing of you was 'good enough' ie you are a happy, functioning person. But there is perhaps something missing that you would like to come to terms with or develop.

I hope you can find someone suitable and work with them to make your life happier.

I think you are right as I always felt very mature and uniterested in gossip and tenanger stuff when I was much younger.
Living with older people full time also made me look differently at life and some priorities. Was always very philosophical :)

Hi there

Your message really struck a chord with me as I feel pretty much the same as you have described. My husband and I are separating mainly because I don't love him, never have, and this led to him becoming very unhappy (obviously). I have two gorgeous, bright, interesting children who I obviously think the world of and do everything in my power to give them the best, but I don't know if I actually LOVE them. I had a bit of a difficult childhood, so it probably stems from this. I am currently going through counselling, which I feel is helping. I think at the root of it is the fact that I am scared of losing people.

I look forward to people's responses to your post.

MamaGogo - "I think at the root of it is the fact that I am scared of losing people"

Did that realisation came from your councelling?

Yes, LF,
I've only been three times, but have had many useful insights already.

how did you go on about finding your counselor?

did he reccomend any books?

I feel the same - attachment issues too. In my case I think the problem would be pretty hard to fix so I try to make sure my life is fulfilling in other (non-relationship based) ways. If you want to try therapy not sure what would type would best address it, but I would look for something attachment-based rather than NHS- standard issue CBT. There are some advantages to being like this too - less energy wasted on angst and missing people, less emotional/more practical decision-making and more energy to devote to other things.

I am looking at my local non-profit councelling centre and am going to give them a call tomorrow morning.

You are so right about me not wasting energy and being less emotional when being away from people who are close to me.
In a way is a survival technique...

but as we know is having negative effects on our relationships...

I googled counsellors in my area and found someone who uses a range of techniques, so she tailors it to your issues.

She hasn't recommended any books yet, but I've got so many 'issues' it will probably be a while before we get to the abandonment one!

She's helping me through my marriage break-up first. (I know this is a form of abandonment, but I mean helping with the stress and coping with the kids as opposed to probing what it is about myself that meant I couldn't properly love my husband).

i would go with proper, long term (ish) therapy, a therapist you get on with that you can comfortably keep hold of for a couple of years to begin with. Both my parents saw psychotherapists for many years. It really changed my mother - Dad still has it. I think he is better too.

There are various types but psychotherapy is different to counselling - it goes far deeper and uses different techniques.

Counselling I always think of as a 'coping strategy' thing, while therapy is a long process that can make deep changes in a subtle way.

I never had anyone really love me until my husband and I only love him and my children. You can love without being loved but ime it is complicated.

I hesitate to suggest a "type" of therapy but I'm going to. You might wish to consider Psycho-dynamic/Insight Therapy (here). I think it's a little unfashionable at present as it's not a quick fix.

I'm struggling a bit to respond to you as I can't find the words. There is something in your OP which corresponds with some of my feelings although I know that my issues are about allowing myself to love/trust rather than feeling that I don't love. I really hope you find a way through this.

I am glad you have started this thread as I believe the same thing. Have a DD who I know I love dearly, but also enjoy my own company, lost both parents and do love my family, Dsis etc but due to being hurt badly three times in my life the last time being 17 years ago I have never had true feelings for any man since. Had lots of short term relationships but can never imagine being in love again.

Had my head turned slightly recently but with the most inappropriate person I could find.

I do think that our past affects us all hugely and I don't really have any advice for you just empathy.

BelleDameSansMerci - did you refer to me or some other person on this thread?

lostFeelings to you - sorry for not making that clear.

BelleDameSansMerci English is not my first language, so in a way I am struggling to express myself...

That why I tried to give relevant details to fill in gaps where descriptive words are failing me.

I am looking at the therapy you recommended - is good to have some starting pointer and thanks for that :)

I am very open person and since I recognised I need to be honest with myself to feel at peace if asked I am always trying to tell as much as possible about my motivations and thoughts too.

I am very good actress and played myself as I thought I wanted to be seen by the world so long by the time I split with my ex I didn't know who I was any more...

lost I used to act all the time too. It was as if I would decide which version of myself I would be in any given scenario. It's a way of protecting yourself. You are stopping yourself from feeling or being vulnerable. It is very hard work to keep the act going all the time. It is very tiring.

I was in psycho-dynamic therapy for nearly three years and it really helped me. I still find it hard to cope with surprises or spontaneous gestures - even if they're good, I feel uncomfortable if I don't have an appropriate reaction worked out in advance for any situation. This is clearly not good!

I hope my language is understandable. I tend to be quite "wordy". I couldn't tell that English isn't your first language. You are very clear and easy to understand.

I need to go to bed now so will wish you a good night. I will see if I can remember any of the books I read which helped me and will post tomorrow.

I think in the process of pretending I become very patient and in a way withdrawn. I like listening to people and getting to understand them.

Probably in my case the fact that I had often thrown myself into unknown; I am very comfortable with new situations and rarely get distressed with anything nowadays...

lost, I'm a bit like that too. I wonder if the uncertainty of my childhood has equipped me to deal with change at short notice? It's a bit easier to cope when you're emotionally detached, I think.

I am hoping to chat with a therapist over the phone in a little while.
I suppose I am ready to shake the past and get all the unwanted emotions out. Pretending they didn't exist I mastered.

Yesterday I was i ntears and soon elated that is not that bad. Antidepressants calmed me down enough to make it possible to control myself; I also feel I am an observer not a participant.

My childhood and what happened with my education was predictable. GP weren't a happy couple, so I got bad model of relationships imprinted in my mind.
On the contrary my uncle who is 7 years older than me and we grew together is in a very happy and loving relationship...

Maybe looking back is no good. I think I understand most what happened to me in the past and come to terms with it, but somehow can't move on.

I am going for my first session on Wed.
No idea what to expect :)

Hi,

I have related quite a bit to your post. I had a difficult upbringing from the age of 13, but it was happy before that. Parents divorced, major abandonment issues with father, who still fails to understand it, a very ill and depressed mother.I fell totally in love at 17 but it didn't work out and it was my fault, I kept pushing and pushing the boundaries. I was awful to him.

I am now in a long term relationship, with a baby and marriage on the horizon. I am currently in counselling, initially to deal with the grief of losing my mum (I didn't grieve when she died although I miss her terribly) and I am finding it very helpful just to cope week to week. But I am not sure that I love my bf although we have a wedding planned. Well, I love him, but not in love with him. I don't want to lose him but I am not sure we can stay like this long term. I am fearful of being hurt, so I don't think I invest in the relationship, although I appear to. I am very good at acting! I am not sure who is the real me anymore. I just want to run away a lot of the time. I regret a lot of my decisions and am paralysed with the fear of continuing to make mistakes.

Very, very confusing and tiring.

I just wanted to relay my feelings. Not sure what will happen in my life. So scared to ruin my baby's life so that he ends up like me! And so scared to hurt my BF as he is a very good man and deserves so much more than me.

It is hard to know how much stems from our pasts and how much is bad decision making!

If you find a good counsellor it can just help to feel as though there is someone out there that you can be totally honest with. But also scary to let the guard down. Good luck.

Thanks for sharing that with me.
It does make me feel more normal (if that's ever possible).

Is so confusing to know what's the right thing as the part of me which become affected by the acting merged with real me and I don't know which is which...

Maybe I can learn to love again...

I am not entirely sure that there's anything wrong with being 'unable to love' in this sense. People are all different and it's OK to be different - the current fashion is to engage in a lot of emotional display, which not everyone likes or wants to do. If you can treat people kindly and care about their well being and (in the case of DC) put their needs above your own, what's the big deal?