I believe I can't love anyone - v.long

[lostFeelings]

I need your honest opinion.
Thanks for reading it and I hope that what I've writthn is going to make sense to you...

I believe I can't love anyone and I never have in the past.

Have 2 children, who are very important to me (age 11 and 13) but when I am away from them I don't really miss them.
I am separated now, when I was marrying my ex I knew I didn't love him - I married him for security and I feel made him very unhappy in the process. Our marriage lasted 13 years, now due to financial reasons we are still sharing the same house and finances but are like flatmates. This set up is not very stressful or demanding at the moment, but the plan is he's moving out around February.
Kids now we are divorcing, but obviously would prefer if we all lived together...
I don't really miss my family but love seeing them when I go to visit (once, max twice a year).

My ex felt there was something missing in our relationship, not being in love resulted in very infrequent sex and eventually no sex at all. I frequently told him I was in love with him, sometimes even I believed in what I was saying...
We weren't happy for many years (different temperaments and characters) and occasionally discussed splitting, but neither wanted to do it just like that.
In the end he cheated on me and after an initial shock of us splitting (mutual and drama free) I understood his motives and let go of my pain. He sees the same gf ever since, I know she moved to live closer to here but he never hinted of taking kids to see her. I think kids don't know she exists, they just assume he goes to see some friends and is staying for sleepover.

I had quite painful childhood, my mum died when I was 18 months old, was brought up by my GP (her parents) who are dead now (I should mention that apart from being grateful I never felt I loved them).
My father was distant, turned an alcoholic after my mum died - he was only 25.

Had his second family and tried to involve me in it ( once a year visit by him to collect me, never let GP know he was coming and I had to go, as GP believed I needed to keep in touch, I didn't feel forced, was always excited as a kid etc). In the end we didn't talk for over 20 years as my SM accused me of stealing some money and jewellery from them which I didn't take. But I was so hurt I couldn't bring myself to keep in touch with them. I forgave both of them last year - he was in the end diagnosed with cancer, my half-sister got hold of my address and contacted me. I went to see him and that was a big relieve for me, that I didn't have to feel angry with him any more... (if you know what I mean). My sister also told me more stories about her childhood and I realized that I was actually better off not being near him as his addiction made her and SM life very miserable.
My feeling of feeling abandoned disappeared...

At the age of 26 I emigrated. It was after finishing Uni and starting my own business there. I felt I wanted to live abroad and was very excited just looking after myself without having to worry about anyone else. I was brought up Roman Catholic so wasn't promiscuous, lost my virginity after Uni at 24 to someone I think now was the first man I fell in love with. But he wasn't really interested and didn't even had guts to break it up properly and i was naive to believe we were together until he started avoiding me....
Then I had 2 more BF ( before coming to UK ) both weren't honest with me about their past/intentions.

When I came here had relationships but looking back all were rooted in me feeling lonely and needing confirmation that I was worthy of someone's attention. None lasted longer than few months and I am not friends with any of them.

Now, after splitting with my ex I went through very painful period trying to understand who I really am and what motivates me.
This log journey of soul searching made me realize - I never really loved anyone in my life. I feel very sad (and sorry for myself) that love, which is such a big part of other people's lives is not touching my life.

I was on the dating sites, had many dates in the last 18 months. Turned down even more...
I had sex with some of those guys on the first date, no physical contact with others.
None of those who I felt any chemistry towards were interested in me.

At the the moment I am not dating but fell I need sex.
I am very close to finding a regular partner just for sex as I miss it. Not here but maybe having regular meets in a hotel or at that guy's place. There are more than enough to choose from so that should be no problem.

What do I do next?
Has anyone else felt the same about their emotional life?
I have many female friends who are close to me and I shared with them some aspects of my problems but never really had a "best friend" who knew everything about me.
Only recently I got close to one friend but she lives in Canada, so obviously we only chat on the phone and she's been great support to me (as are others too).
I was always dealing with all my breakups myself, am am considered to be very strong person, worked very hard to establish my career here whilst kids were very small.

How do I find out a good counselor - can counseling help in my situation?
London or South East is where I can commute to, but money are bit tight now, so would prefer not having to pay lots of money per visit.
On the net where I looked at their websites they all sound fantastic...
I am on mild antidepressants for the past few months and that helped me to have better sleep and be more relaxed and more focused, so very fortunate to have found solution to tiredness and being weepy...
Didn't have suicidal thoughts, I am very positive person and really blessed with kids who I have no problems with. Always glass half full :)

Any suggestions what should I do next?

Admittedly I don't go out of the house much now I don't work, but am hoping to start job hunt next month (after 2 redundancies and a year at uni).

My hobbies are on hold for ages now - I know I should get back to things I used to enjoy like mountaineering, camping and knitting... But reading

What are you thoughts?

I suppose it's all down to what we feel, how we describe our emotions and comparing ourselves to others.

Other's are talking about this overwhelming emotions of wanting to be with another person, finding a soulmate and a partner for life.
I suppose it's rare than we think and the norm seems to be for majoriti not to find one...

I always knew I wanted to have kids, but not in the soppy emotional way. Just felt like a right thing to do. Not that I loved every moment of being a mother...

I am not sure what I think about this, very interesting thread.

I know I love my kids, I get the physical feelings of love - happiness, tears at the depth of how much I feel for them, I miss them if I am away from them etc. However I don't seem to love anyone else. All my relationships end after a couple of years. It is as though my "love" for the other person has a shelf life and I either meet someone else or after about 4 years I just stop caring about them and don't want to be in a relationship with them anymore, prefer to be alone.

I don't return calls to Friends and Family very often, have seen a lot of my parents just recently and have sort of gone into low profile mode because I don't really want to talk to or see them for a while. I won't miss them, this has happened many times before. As for friendships I am far happier keeping in touch in a less hands on way, the odd email etc.

I had a very physically, emotionally and verbally abusive childhood at the hands of my parents and I sometimes wonder if my emotional development just stopped some time back then and just stayed there iyswim.

I don't know if counselling would work and I don't think I care enough to find out.

I think I agree with what SGB said (as usual) and it certainly makes me feel a bit better about feeling this way.

Lostfeelings: the thing about the type of romantic bullshit love you describe is that it is pretty short-lived for most people, and very often one-sided (certainly, just because one person feels passionately 'in love' doesn't oblige the object of their affections to marry them or even ever speak to them). Romantic couple-love, though it seems to be something that some people participate in happily enough, is very, very mythologised, partly as a way to secure women's sexual and domestic servicing, partly to sell consumer goods such as make up, booze, 'romantic dinners' etc. And plenty of people are simply not interested in it at all and do not feel they need therapy in order to make them desperate for heteromonogamy.

Human beings need company and to a greater or lesser extent we need some sort of affectionate physical contact with others (a person who is utterly isolated can get very distressed) but friendship, nice relatives ad a hug here or there will do, no one ever died from a lack of couple-love.
Before you fret that there is something seriously wrong with you that needs to be fixed, do think it through and consider that it may be nothing more than social pressure to 'mate' that's bothering you.

no social pressure here
in fact I am quite independent person as it goes

I am not after the hand-holding fairy tale, but the closeness which some people are able to build, and I am not

I think if it didn't bother me I would not have started this thread

Maybe it is normal human behaviour to be a person I am, I guess acknowledging may be one step forward into feeling OK about it and stopping worrying :)

Hi lostFeelings. Just wanted to say that I hope your first session goes well tomorrow.

I found therapy to be quite challenging but had some moments of enlightenment that were very, very rewarding. I hope it works for you.

unsurprisingly didn't manage to tell all my story in one hour
but it lead the therapist to point out at some vital moments in my childhood, namely feeling of unfairness of my mother dying and me missing on having both parents
in a way I didn't have anyone to blame, so my poor GP were at receiving end of some of my anger
then being accused of stealing jewelery and money from my fathers family
third one - was the fact that at the age of 7 I managed to save an equivalent of £1200-1500 ( an average month wage of an office worker shall we say), all I wanted was to be allowed to buy myself a truck worth no more than £20 , but no, the money was all taken from me and used for family holiday...
sad, but those days kids didn't count that much

all emotions very raw and I cried
still feeling like crying

need to work on allowing myself to feel sorry for that child who was feeing injustice

I never really mourned for my mother, hated going to visit her grave...

I was very angry with her for leaving me behind, and probably still am. I know is irrational but my anger and sadness has got nowhere to go... Still as raw as ever.

The therapist suggested I start writing my thoughts and whatever comes to my head. I guess it may be quite therapeutic to let go of those emotions by writing about them.

Doesn't matter if I need to reread them or not, but hopefully I cane make some sense of it.

I don't believe in saying - why me?

I think it all is a law of statistics, I experienced something others as we Catholics say - have different crosses to carry.

However I think I didn't understand that the anger is in me due to the feeling of unjust. An also how powerfull that anger is.

It sounds as if you've had a good start with the therapy. It is quite hard work but it does get better after a very short time and then you can start to "work" on things.

I don't think it's a case of saying "why me?"; it's more that it was you and accepting that it has had an impact that you may not necessarily fully understand.

I agree, I don't understand that impact and was I guess avoiding to get deeper into it before.

All boils down to accepting that I am who I am and whatever comes with it as a baggage is me, no need to pretend or avoid consequences.

Don't know bad or good, but the therapist was very moved by my story and he also had tears in his eyes

I think whenever I was crying over my childhood I felt I shouldn't been allowing myself to do it as I didn't really get such a rough deal, was clothed, looked after by family and others were worst off.
But as I can see it backfired and I can see consequences of that through my life.

I suspect, depending on your therapist, as you get more into this he may point out that although many others in the world have had it worse than you, they aren't you and it doesn't invalidate how you feel and the pain that you went through. I have a tendency to think much like you ie that compared with others I have been lucky etc but this is just another coping mechanism. It allows us to sweep our sorrows to one side and means we don't have to deal with the hurt and pain that they still cause us. Your hurt is not negated simply because you didn't have it as bad as others.

I wonder if you subconsciously feel that perhaps your feelings aren't valid because of this even though you may rationally know that this isn't the case?

Anyway, you've started your therapy now (well done!) and you may find that you start to remember other things more clearly now. It's all part of the process although it can be painful.

I hope you are ok this evening. x

BDSM, will you be my therapist??!
lostFeelings, congratulations on going to therapy and on what sounds like a quick start!

It is hard to start unpicking the protective layers we wrap around old pain - sometimes very difficult, and also fascinating & liberating. I remember feeling very annoyed at a therapist who said (partonisingly, I thought) "It feels strange to get to know yourself." Two months later, I was saying the same words in a group!

I wish you an interesting and rewarding journey :)

Ah, Grace

he already pointed out to me that I have right to feel hurt and that my pain is real

I think I was using that coping strategy as many people around me told me I was lucky, that my GP looked after me and helped me to overcome all those bad experiences

then I assumed it would be wrong of me to feel sorry for myself when I should only be grateful and gleaming with happiness

I can say that not always as I suppose is not possible, but most of the time in my life I am actually content, kind of learned to enjoy little things early on.

I am already beginning to see some glimpses of my behaviour in the past in a new light, had like flashbacks today , of all places during performance of Sweeney Todd :0

my kids are in it - just got back home from first performance
next one tomorrow :)

with all that crying I got a headache and had to take some paracetamol

when I was about 21 I had quite significant dream, it was my mums funeral, I went to look at her and then she opened her eyes, she didn't look as beautiful as she does on her photos (she was only 24 when she died) but tired, puffy eyes, swollen face, grabbed my hand and asked - could you please let me go, I am very tired when you always are asking me for help and support. Please let me go...

From then on when I was in any trouble I stopped asking her for help and support (tears in my eyes again).

Just remembered that around that time was the very first time I actually cried in front of anyone with my sorrows and my friend gave me a big hug as I was telling her how much I missed having a mum in my life....

I think that allowing myself to cry is a new experience for me, up until now I was always telling myself off for doing it (the same old mantra - I should be grateful for my kids, being healthy etc).
So grieving and allowing that little girl in me to feel lonely and vulnerable is I guess a step forward.

It is. And you're reminding me - I seem to have gone back into shutdown. Thank you.

I grew up believing that females have to be strong and be able to look after themselves.
And most of the tiem, this is how I am.

But unfortunately when making big decisins I am often feeling unable to allow myself being exposed to the rough reality and act like very insecure, scared individual.
I suppose that's OK as long as it doesn't paralyse me from making any decision.

Another thought which just occured is that maybe crying is not a sign of weakness, and allwoing myself to sry when I feel is important?

LostFeelings, this is a very thought provoking thread. I have nothing very constructive to add, just wanted to say that I really feel for you and I hope you can move forward with your therapist.

Some of the feelings and emotions you mention I can relate to and it has made me think of possibly looking into some counselling for myself.

I think I have similar abandonment issues regarding my father who left when I was young and I think this led me to love too quickly, as opposed to finding it difficult to love.

I think I just need to let go of my past and move forward.

Thank you for helping me realise that, and I wish you every happiness xxx

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts - you reminded me that I also have tendency to dive into oemotional dreamland if I am even remotely attracted to a man
obviously scaring the life out of them lol
so me saying that I want sex only based relationship is in a way a way of saying - Iwill make in my head a note not to get involved with this guy, as I don't want to get hurt

Definitely understand what you mean lostfeelings. However, I would find myself desperately trying to sleep with men to "make them love me"

I've come a long way in the last few years and am now married. Luckily my DH understood I had problems when we met and helped me no end :)

being scared of being left and hurt is the biggest thing for me I think. I have a big wall I used to put up I'd never cry just get angry but I've learnt that crying can help.

what helped you most in those years gone?

I'm not sure how to explain really.

I had completely irrational feelings of insecurity and jealousy when I first met my husband. I even accused him of cheating on me with a lesbian!

I think I just knew my thoughts were irrational and I knew that my fear of him leaving me was making me just push him further and further away.

But he was patient and loving and I think I just told myself that my thoughts and feeling were, although normal, totaly uncalled for.

Unlike you, my feelings and emotions stem from my father leaving and my hatred for him. I just thought I was wasting so much time not being happy with a man that clearly loved me.

I have always known I should probably have some counselling and my mum has always said that it may help me (she has some) but I'm so proud and private that I've never liked the idea of telling a stranger my deepest thoughts.

Just posting on here today has helped me kind of say it out loud and I hope it benefits you too :)

Our situations are so different but similar at the same time. And like you I never ask for help. I should though.

for the second day woken up with a big smile

simply because I decided that it's up to me how I feel and decided to feel happy :)

my back pain eased and feel very content

had 2 dreams last night

one was that I was a baby, who had an operation lost abilit yto use arm and legs, but I was looked after my friend who in RL doesn't want to have kids yet she was a very good mother to me :)
I was able to sit, so at the age of 5 or 6 months

then I had another dream and remember lookign in the mirror and seeign top of my head being bald as a man
( I have lost lots of hair in the last 2 years)

Lost I'm glad you are feeling better today, onwards and upwards as you are acknowledging your feelings and getting help.

I posted last week and have had a quick look on this thread.

Love SGB's answers and I can relate to them as I'm a complete ice-maiden when it comes to relationships with men but I do think there will be the one person that melts our hearts, we just haven't met them yet. I know I can feel it again but it's one hundred to one. Can you tell I'm crap at expressing myself, especially emotions, so am likely to fall for someone who is unobtainable.

Enough of my ramblings.

I don't look towards those who are unobtainable ;)

second session today
my therapist was surprised how different I was today

last week was very emotional - today very upbeat as I am honestly much happier in myself

today was him asking - why?
many, many times

wehn I was saying I am not doing what I think I should be... (like housework :))

and the questio nwas not about why am I not doing it but why do Ithink I should be this or that

don't have answers yer
will let my brain do the answering for me
maybe I could dream the answer...?