Mother-in-law lives with us and drives me mad!

[Katecool]

I know being pregnant makes me moody but I'm close to wanting to shoot my mother-in-law (metaphorically speaking)
The problem is..She had a heart transplant 5 years ago so she lives with my BF and i, well more like i live with them because i had to move 100 miles from my home, family and friends because it was not even considered that my BF would move to my house, which was fair enough at the time and i didnt really consider the long term affects this would have on my relationship with my BF OR MIL...I am now 15 weeks pregnant with my first baby and starting to feel more human again.. so now is the time to start getting the house in order for the baby but the MIL is very reluctant to let anything change in the house, i feel its her house and never will really feel like mine while i have to ask her permission for every little alteration...its driving me mad!!!I cant even move alot of my things into the house because she is reluctant to move so much of her junk...so its been in my parents garage for over a year!! I went home the other week to visit my parents and friends and really didnt want to come back here again!! I could move back to my old house because im only rented my house out..but then i essentially would be a single mum because although i really do respect my dear boyfriend for looking after his mum..i want to be selfish and say "your mum drives, has an active social life, is healthy...why cant you move to where im happy?" Infact i did the other week and his suggestion was that i move back home and he will live with me 4 days a week and 3 days a week with his mother....which sounded a great idea but in reality is not a solution. Oh blimey do i sound really selfish? Yes i guess i do but i dont care to be honnest...i hate living where i do and i want my baby to be near my parents...i have a wonderful relationship with them and miss them daily.. they are no spring chickens and i want them to enjoy their first grandchild while they are still able. Please can someone give me some advice on how to be more assertive without seeming to be cruel because i just seem to be banging my head against a brick wall. I also work from home so its very difficult to make new friends in the area, i hope once the baby is born that will change. Ooh i feel better for having this rant..

Sounds like your MIL is in good health and doesn't need her ds there, and quite obviously doesn't want you there.

Your partner needs to grow a pair, tbh, and make a decision between his mummy and you. You are having a baby. You need an adult by your side, not another child.

Can you and he get a place together half way between his mum and your parents?

Is there a medical need for your BF to live with his DM. You say she is healthy now?

I would look for a house close to her but not live with her.

I lived with my MIL for 18months when I was first married and at the end wanted to murder her in her sleep. I would have hated to have my first born at that time.

You need to make a life for your self and your family. I don't think that is selfish.

Would also say very much the same as Bacofoil. I also think that once the baby is born your own situation where you are now will not improve any.

How old are you both btw?. His "solution" is not at all ideal is it?. Is he an only child?. I am wondering who is actually more important to him - you or his mother.

Hmm.
He hasn't really cottoned on to the fact that he is now in a new family dynamic has he.
Is she controlling in other ways, or are they just both comfortable where they are and can't be arsed with change? in other words, is he controlled by her and doesn't realise/wants an easy life?

If his mother can cope without him for 4 days a week, it sounds like she is pretty independent. Why specifically does he need to stay with her for the other 3 days?

It sounds a horrible situation. My gran lived with us when we were growing up. They moved in the day my DB (1st child) was born, and by the time she moved into a home, both my DB and I had left home - so a long time! It was hell - my mother and her fought constantly all the time we were growing up.

My mum's maxim is 3 generations, 1 house doesnt' work. I think I tend to agree. I could never live with my inlaws - or parents for that matter.

I think you need to sit down with DP and tell him you need to live separately as a family - and not part-time either. That's absurb! I would also explain my position to MIL...

Thank you everyone for giving me the confidence to tell the old cow to stop being so selfish..it's been almost impossible to get a prospective on my situation but now I feel brave enough to tell her how I really feel.

katisha You summed up the situation perfectly..MIL is in control and BF has an easy life here..he is an only child and MIL has always been a single mum and loves having her only son still living at home at 39!! I fell in love with a big mummies boy and I now realize I won't be ever able to change this...once the baby is born I'm hoping he will wake up, shape up and do what's best for his new family. If not I'm a strong independent woman who can be a single mum.....till then...the gloves are now off.
Thanks girls, I feel so much more positive in being able to handle the selfish old cow!

Maybe being serious about moving back you your own house will wake him up a bit.
Or maybe he will just cave in and stick to what he has always done out of sheer inertia.

How does she feel about the baby? ?Is she keen or not?

He's 39???? When I read your OP I guessed he was early 20s, not 39!

Does MIL do the housework for him? What real benefit does your DBF get from having his mum around constantly?

It seems that she must be a bit lonely and her son is her companion :(

If I were you I'd feel exactly the same! Poor you!

He is also being selfish.

My guess is that once the baby is born he will not shape up one bit. He is too tied to his Mum's apron strings and will likely want to keep his easy life with his mum rather than act like an adult with you and baby.

BTW my BIL who is now in his mid 40s is still at home with his parents and for her he is her companion. They often go out together. It is a very unhealthy dynamic. He has computer time, clothes washed and three meals a day. There is no desire or willingness on either side to want to change this situation.

I have been in a scarily similar situation to you, however I wouldn't move in with them..

Instead we did the 4 days on, 3 days off - it didn't work for many reasons

I expected him to see sense and grow a pair when the baby was born too, he didn't

My last option was an ultimatum, live with me and your child or your Mother. I was fully prepared to go it alone and did for a short while

It took him a few months but he did pick me in the end, a few years and another baby later, we're happy clappers

Oh - she is a controlling owl wench too! Snap again!

Can he easily get to his work from your house or does he practically need to stay in the area he currently lives? Would the rent you get from your house cover the rent on another property in the area your BF lives in?

I'd give him the options, say it's not working living all together, so you can either move back to your parents area or stay in his area, in which case it won't be in the same house. If you are living somewhere round the corner, then he can pop in regularly to see his mum and say she'd be welcome to come round for dinner a couple of times a week etc to see her DGC and you, but then she's the guest.

If he needs to stay in that area for work, it's not reasonable to make him move, but there is no reason to stay in the same house.

Make it clear you are serious about not living with his mother when the baby comes, one way or another. He can decide if he lives in the same house as his child or not. If his mother was a single mum, perhaps point out he has a choice of having the same relationship with his child as his father has with him, or having something closer to the relationship he has with his mother.

If you do try the 4/3 days route make sure you get the weekend not midweek or you will end up doing tea and housework.

How can you split your time like that if you are a family?! Surely he should be with you 100% and if its that far away from his mum then he/you can visit her as a family on a regular basis.

He has ishooooos!!

I think you are mad to continue this 'relationship' imo.

I could not, would not put up with what you describe in your op. Being a single mum would be far far easier.

Personally I'd move back to my own home if I were you. I couldn't stand living like that. Your bf needs to grow up but he isn't going to while everything is so easy for him.

But in fact your mother in law doesn't live with you, you live with her! I can understand your point of view exactly (I would be in my own home, with or without him) but you have to see it from her point of view too. I'd hate someone to move into my house that didn't want to live with me!

Your boyfriend doesn't have to live with his mum - as you've said, she's able to look after herself. I'm not sure about issuing an ultimatum - I wouldn't want to live with a man like that, to be honest. I can't see the situation improving - if he lives with you, he'll expect you to do everything just as his mum does now.

At what point in his life is he going to be a man and be responsible for his own home? He has the choice of yours or hers - when will he ever get his own?

I think this is definitely one of those situations where you should have been married before you got pregnant. It would have forced a discussion about where you'd live and it would force his mum to accept you properly as his partner.

It's very good of you to have stayed and put up with the situation that you are in. I have lived with my family and BF - not good. Although because of the circumstances they had to live with us, but I would absolutely advise you not continue in this situation, unless necessary (Which doesn't seem to be the case).
Your BF has no reason whatsoever has his mother stay with since i believe she has fully recovered. MIL and BF seem to be the only ones in the best position. They have company, I'm sure his mum does things for him, she has that control, it's fine for them. Let me tell you that at the moment things might be hard living with them, but I tell you from experience that things will only get harder after you child is born. MIL has experience and trust me it will be hard for not to butt her nose in, always feeling like you are being judged, watched too closely, futhermore you BF will probably support your mums views, opinions about what should be done for your child e.t.c because 'she is experienced'. as he mite say. This is not a situation you want to be in. You need to let Bf know your position feelings on this say that you may be willing to compromise (if you are that is) e.g. live closer, see MIL often - whatever. But in the end that is yours and his child and you need to raise him/her in the right environment, your ways. If he is not willing to compromise on anything then I guess you have to do what you have to do for your own. Yes, he loves his mother dearly but you and baby come first. You really don't want to raise the baby whilst in that house in that situation for your own sanity. For you and MIL to be able to get along you cannot live together cos the dynamics of relationships in the household will only cause more damage. A happy mum = a happy baby - up to you. I really hope he fixes up and things work out between you.

Reading all your comments some exceedingly helpful others maybe not quite so, I have decided to leave and give him an ultimatum, however I won't do this until after the baby is born and he can see how much MIL interfering with the baby is driving me insane because it's inevitable...he also works from home so I'm beginning to realize its sheer laziness on his part and an unwillingness for things to change.....in a perfect world we would have got married first but accidents do happen....oh if only I didn't love him so much I wouldn't put up with this...essentially I'm asking him to move to make me happy and he tells me living in Yorkshire with me..he would also miss his friends and feel guilty if anything happened to his mum and he wasn't there...well sorry...my priorities have now changed and I wish his would too!! I'm not living with my Monster in law any more!! Maybe he will change or maybe I've picked a dud! Only time will tell but some men will always be mummies boys and some mothers will always be a pain in the ass...funny thing is I'd really like the MIL if I didn't live with her.
Thank you again ladies for taking the time to try and help and advise a baby brained stresses mum to be.

Hi Katecool. I think you should address the issues now rather than later. Once you've had the baby it will be SO much harder to address the problems in your relationship.
Just my two cents. The best of luck.

"I won't do this until after the baby is born and he can see how much MIL interfering with the baby is driving me insane"
If this is your first baby, how confident can you be that you will be in the state to leave, or to cope with her interfering, afterwards?
You're banking on him seeing it, which he may well do, but if it's not affecting him directly, Mummy's boy will find it easier to be dismissive of you than to stand up to MIL in her own house.
Why let things get that far in the first place?

I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum. Tell him you're leaving and that if he wants to move in with you, fine, but once you're established and 7 days a week or not at all, otherwise he's going to treat you as the substitute mother (can you tell I've been here before?! )

Thanks Ispy I did think of that but I can't risk him saying I didn't give her a chance..if I stay till shorty is born I can tell him I gave it a good go...hopefully MIL will drive him up the wall so much so that he will be begging me to move.

Oh god alive, yes you have to sort this out right now!!

Give notice to your tenants, move back to your house and wait it out.

Your BF is a mummy's boy and he's not going to leave without a shove.

Don't wait until the baby comes, you will be tired, sleep deprived hormonal and possibly unable to take this kind of battle on as a new mum striking out on her own.

Take the, this is a more realistic and grown up approach to parenting approach, Tell them how it's essential for a mum to be to feather my own nest. Tell them you have to get it ready for your DC. MIL has made it damned difficult for you to settle in and BF hasn't stood up for you.

The fact he's not pressed marriage is telling too. It's so much easier for you to be dismissed as just a GF when you are not married. Once you have had the baby and are trapped/hooked whatever, believe me any power you thought you had will have been utterly vaporised if you continue to stay in this situation.

They have created an arrangement where you are not able to feel at home in MIL house.

Tell them this and also that you are not blaming her for this, all living under one roof is highly unusual and will ultimately never work, so you are doing your bit to establish the foundations of your new family, and sorting out your accommodation.

BTW, you are not asking him to move to make you happy, you are expecting him to raise his game, to step up and be a man and the head of his new family.

FWIW, i think the MIL is potentially more manipulative than you give her credit for. And your BF is dimmer/manchild than you think.

I don't think it's laziness, it's paralysis, inability to let go, grow up and be a man. His mother has not raised him to be a father, a husband. She has raised him to replace her husband... [ew]