Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whatever she has done, she is still your mother

45 replies

sorrento56 · 19/08/2010 19:49

A blood is thicker than water kind of phrase. I can't forgive my mother for what she has done but why does anyone think I should just because she is my mother?

Do you let things go because she is your mother that you wouldn't take from anyone else?

OP posts:
msrisotto · 19/08/2010 19:51

No, In my opinion/experience, it is a phrase used by people with agendas of their own.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2010 19:52

bollocks to that

IfGraceAsks · 19/08/2010 19:56

I let things go, yes. I have "forgiven" her, if forgiveness means having more understanding of her than she has of me - and not feeling bound by by it. It's been a long journey.

As to blood & water? Fuck that.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 19/08/2010 19:59

Agree with AF -

If blood was so important then they wouldn't treat you like shit in the first place, no?

Original poster
sorrento56 · 19/08/2010 20:01

Flipping heck, I never thought of it like that SadAngry

Yet still I feel guilty.

OP posts:
thisishowifeel · 19/08/2010 20:02

Don't....does she?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 19/08/2010 20:06

You owe someone nothing because of an accident of birth. If someone treats you unforgiveably, there is no reason you have to forgive them. No matter who they are.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2010 20:07

my mother is a master manipulator

Angry

OP, have you read the "stately homes" thread ? It will make you feel better, I promise

PfftTheMagicDragon · 19/08/2010 20:08

It is part of her job to look after you, to love you and protect you. If she is failing in that then she should feel guilty, not you.

I think it must be incredibly refreshing and load-lightening to cut someone like this from your life. The guilt and stress weigh you down and you don't need it.

Fill your life with people that treat you well.

Original poster
sorrento56 · 19/08/2010 20:08

I know I am being stupid. It was just something Peggy said on EastEnders but it made me think and made me question whether I was being unfair to refuse to speak to her or even let her have a photo of me and the children. I hate that it can make me question myself. Oh, bog off.

OP posts:
Original poster
sorrento56 · 19/08/2010 20:10

Well 3 out of 3 for the not doing any of the looking after, loving or protecting. ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH I know I am not unreasonable but hate the little voice questionning myself.

OP posts:
MintyBadger · 19/08/2010 20:14

If your mother made a mistake - or even a few mistakes - but she's been a good person and a kind mother, who's just erred a bit lately, then yes, that's a blood-is-thicker-than-water scenario. (Though I don't like the phrase.)

If the reason you don't speak to her is that she burdened you with the straw that broke the camel's back, and you know she's capable of heaping more shit onto you, then ignore.

BTW Eastenders is full of cacky homilies, ignore.

Original poster
sorrento56 · 19/08/2010 20:16

She abandoned me when she got a new boyfriend so I guess that qualifies.

OP posts:
IfGraceAsks · 19/08/2010 21:15

I watch Stendaz, too Wink I love it. It's all archetypes: Greek tragedies rewritten for the 21st century (okay, 20th, but they'll catch up soon.)

Peggy has every line that's ever been uttered by a mixed-up woman, in love with the idea of family. She's the matriarch of classical drama. Faaamlee comes before everything to Peggy, yes? She's unswervingly loyal - to the idea of a family (ie, her Queendom). As a mother? Well, all her children are in and out of prison, on the run when out, and one's become a crack addict on top of his alcoholism. They are all violent Narcissists, including Peggy who exercises violence by proxy.

Her nieces represent the struggle for autonomy: dramatically speaking, R & R represent you, me, and all the wonderful women in the Stately Home.

Write your own script, sweetheart.

Nemofish · 19/08/2010 22:10

And that, dear readers, is why I always look out for Grace's posts on mnet. I love it when she comments on one of my threads, thanks Grace you will never know how much help you have been to me and how much I admire you Smile

AnyFucker · 19/08/2010 22:11

I love grace too

IfGraceAsks · 19/08/2010 22:21

MWAH!!! Grin
It's a lurve exchange, then. Way it should be!

PeppermintPasty · 19/08/2010 22:24

hello...errm, i'm relatively new to MN and i was wondering recently why i might have been drawn to it...i dunno, i think it's to do with the relationship with my mother that i think has been the most destructive of my life.

sounds a bit melodramatic! what i mean is that i think at some point i will be drawn to post at length about stuff with her(you poor buggers) and try to work it all out. i think that's why i looked in on this site...and stayed. but i don't feel ready to post yet. maybe something to do with dad's death last yr too...

...sorry, don't mean to hijack, but re mothers-i've already learned a lot(very interested in NPD, god my mum has practically all of the signs!!!), and i think also it's got to do with becoming a mum myself-lots of things that she did or didn't do are dawning on me as being strange or wrong, plus i just do not want to be a mother like her.

where else in my life could i write that without people(ie my siblings) thinking i was a hideous ungrateful nutter. and yet, and yet...she never really did anything terrible, like out and out "abuse" from a soap opera iykwim. sigh..
...god i'm sorry i didn't really mean to splurge all over this thread, but what the hell i'm not going to delete it!!

i may ask you all some questions about this some time, if you don't mind , but i'll stop now. cheers for that!

AnyFucker · 19/08/2010 22:28

PP..you will find understanding and empathy here

you can also post your deepest, darkest thoughts and find someone who shares them

my own mother (and father) never battered me, and I am 40+ years old, but I struggle badly still about my upbringing

PeppermintPasty · 19/08/2010 22:30

thank you AF. Well, To Be Continued then...ha!

AnyFucker · 19/08/2010 22:31

hey, have a read of the "Stately Homes" thread in the Relationships topic

your eyes will be well and truly opened !

there is always somebody here

Booboobedoo · 19/08/2010 22:32

DH's Mum shows classic signs of NPD, and we often talk about his childhood and how he has come to terms with it.

My take on it now that I am a parent is:

Think about the things that your parent did to you, and imagine doing them to your own child.

Would you then expect them to forgive you just before you were their parent?

Or would you be horrified with yourself and feel that you had to earn forgiveness?

Booboobedoo · 19/08/2010 22:33

because not before.

PeppermintPasty · 19/08/2010 22:34

i'm sort of plucking up the nerve to do that. mainly because i feel my experiences weren't really "bad", plus i know i have loads to actually be grateful for. -i do understand that this view of one's past often goes with the territory. but i will have a look,in due course. thanks.

roseability · 19/08/2010 22:34

I love this thread!

I don't post as much on mumsnet anymore but these women have helped change my life. I still read from time to time.

Sorrento56 I know that guilt demon. It is indoctrinated into us by society but mostly by the very people abusing us so that we would never question them as children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread