Whatever she has done, she is still your mother

[sorrento56]

A blood is thicker than water kind of phrase. I can't forgive my mother for what she has done but why does anyone think I should just because she is my mother?

Do you let things go because she is your mother that you wouldn't take from anyone else?

PeppermintPatsy, we all feel "it wasn't that bad". We're expected to ... Smithfield covered it here.

hello ladies,
first post...I have been lurking for a while & wanted to say first that I am so impressed by your wisdom & empathy & wit. And your generosity with all those things.

i've been reading this thread & have also read some of the Stately Homes threads, for the same reason PP gave.

The OP's post strikes a chord with me because I was neglected & emotionally abused by my parents. I was the scapegoat for all the family dysfunction.

It started with my mother & mostly happened when I was a teenager. Since then she has calmed down & everyone else thinks she is a sweet little old lady with all sorts of health issues that I should be dutifully helping her with.

But she has never acknowledged that she did anything wrong. It was all my fault as far as she's concerned.
When I split up with an ex her reaction was, "Well, you were always difficult to live with." At one point she kept sending me leaflets & books trying to prove that I was autistic.

Her denial also extends to her own disability now, which makes her hard to deal with just in practical terms.

And all these years later I am still seething with resentment & hurt & anger over the way she blighted my life. I am still living in the wreckage. I can hardly bear to have anything to do with her.

meanwhile everyone expects me to be happy to take care of the poor old dear & I feel guilty because she's convinced herself that the problem is that I am just mean and cold and hard-hearted.

I woud like to echo bollocks to that.

Just because someone shares a larger-than-average number of genes with you, or spent a lot of your childhood around you, does not necessarily mean that as an adult you will want them to be a part of your life.

it is meaningless

blood is indeed thicker than water

mud is even thicker - what of it

mine is indeed still my mother

and she's still an evil bitch

and I still don't want to see her

simples

that is tough, quid, really tough

but those people with expectations of you, didn't have to walk in your shoes, did they ?

what you said there, kinda strengthens the argument for getting 'em outta your life, before the complications of ill-health and caring for elderly relatives set in

that comment will sound so harsh to someone growing up in a normal family, but wull strike a chord with some, unfortunately

That phrase, and similar, really piss me off.

I have not spoken to the woman that bore me, for 10 years, and I never will do again.

Blood ma be thicker than water, but wouldn't the 'blood' of thought of that before doing the thing that caused the ruck in the first place?

Make sense?

shit is thicker than blood too

doesn't mean I have to eat it

hey, my mother is thicker than shit

do I win a prize?

yes, you do greensleeves

for this evening, you have the prize

tomorrow, it shall be rewarded to some other person who knows what it feels like x

AF x

I too am a mother-free mother.

sorrento- I hope you find the strength within to choose the right path for yourself.

"Mother-free Mothers"... actually that's quite good- maybe should become a support thread title?

I like that too, RedandGreenPlaid - I am a mother-free mother also.

Acknowledging that I had never had a 'mother' in the way that I think I am, or try to be, a mother with my children was a big help. No longer felt obligation of mother-daughter thingy and now do what i feel happy with re. helping. Sounds very simple but took years for me to get to that point and has made huge beneficial difference. For years after having our kids I had 'flashbacks' - as a mum how could she have been like she was? Despite crapness of my upbringing i don't feel obligated or angry but a bit more free. Once I had acknowledged the horrible sadness of it I could get on with things. She can still be a nightmare if I take it as a daughter, but if I am a bit more detached then I am less upset. What I do re. helping etc.. is a reflection of what I am happy to do in relation to her needs and mine. Any sense of obligation is more to do with what I think it means to be a decent human being - what I'm not happy with I don't do and accept the consequences. She is 83 the last parent/in law alive and I am the only child who can help (sibling chronically ill). At times have thought about walking away but now am glad I didn't for purely selfish reasons - I have learnt a lot about life from dealing with this. Recognise that this isn't the same for everyone and sometimes is just best to walk away.

I agree, stickybun, it has a lot to do with the age of the P. Mine's on her last decade (I hope!) and is, when it comes to it, a barmy old lady who has survived courtesy of her delusions. She was an atrocious mother. Now, she's a barmy old lady etc.

I have, however, rejected my Alotted Role as Unmarried Eldest Daughter - and rejected it quite publicly, though I don't suppose anybody's hearing was too good at those times Are you caretaking your mum?

I'm now of an age to have grandchildren. I haven't any, but look at the ways in which my sibs have passed on all the family crap. If only my nieces & nephews could break the cycle now, in their twenties, they'd be the real pattern-breakers and happier for it. With 30-40 years of grand/parental life ahead of them, cutting contact would be the only effective means.

I've altered my relationship with Mum because she's old. I thought maybe I hadn't clarified that, if the parents have a 'lifetime' ahead of them - in which they can do untold damage, unless they seek therapy - the only logical (if painful, for a while) thing to do is "divorce" them.

And what does water even mean? I mean blood is thicker than water - yes yes very good did science did we? and we know what blood represents in this little statement - but what does water actually mean

bollocks.

There is no way on earth I will ever forgive her for what she did to me. Because to me, that would be like saying it doesn't matter. And I can't say that, because it does, it does matter.

sorrento, I think it's worse than meaningless, it's a 'shut-up phrase', used by people who don't want to engage and give you real support, or by people who want to guilt you into toeing the line.

Someone close to me gets this from family and friends after he stopped contact with a sibling. Frankly, if all these people think having a relationship with a monster is so easy and necessary and right, they can do it.

All my life I have wanted a mother. I have kind of latched on to people, assumes they were better than me as I had no confidence at all that I was worth anything as how could I if my mother didn't even want me?

Just rereading that sentence has been like a huge lightbulb moment and has me thinking why I stayed with T when he couldn't love me as I needed, why I got engaged to Q and N even though I didn't love them, though I thought I did, and why I was so desperate to marry the first person who I ever knew, felt, loved me. I was 23 when we met and we have been together ever since . He is the only person in the world who has never let me down and who loves me despite all my faults.

My mother thinks she did everything for me but I know she just thinks that. She really believes it but then with her childhood she had no hope with me when a boyfriend came along who didn't want some annoying baby getting in the way.