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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife left me with 5 kids . .

74 replies

ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 01:18

I am gonna jump in among the enimies here lol . . . .

Lets see how the mothers explain my wifes actions and if they can be justified . ..

We were happily married for 12 years . . day before our 12th anniversary my wife asked me to move out of the matrimonial home as she had slept with somone else . . in her words she did this because he gave her attention and I didnt.

I left for about 30 mins and then went back and told her that if anyone should leave it should be her as I had nothing wrong and she was the one who wanted the marriage to end and not me and she was the one who commited adultry... I said why should I lose me home and kids . . .

She then left . . didnt see her for like 2 weeks then she came seeing the kids hardly ever . . .

It has now been 9 weeks and ive been on my own with the 5 kids .... the kids are doing brill and ive implemented loads of positive changes in their lives . .

2 weeks ago I received a letter from her sols asking if I would be willing to move out of the home as she wants to move in with the kids..... i replied through my sol that the kids better off with me so im going nowere. . .

She now sent a letter asking for contact to be reinstated asking for 5 days a week qwhich is crazy coming from a none resident parent expecially one who walked out on their kids. ....

She moved in with this guy she slept with and is still with him to my knowledge . .

So my only thought is she doesnt care about her kids and what kind of woman leaves her 5 kids and one at the timje being 10 months old. . i think she is nentally ill . . so please any insight you ladies have on this please share. . i promise to answer truthfully if you have any questions. . .

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/08/2010 15:27

if this were reversed this poster wouldnt be getting such a pasting

fgs,mumsnet at its worst doing what its 'famous' for....

Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 15:28

I understand it is hard and a struggle but I also understand if your organised and have routine and actually spend quality time with the kids and makev life fun for them it is the most rewarding position to be in and is worth every minuite of the 24/7 of the time spent with them bringing the best out of them.

OP posts:
ShadeofViolet · 19/08/2010 15:30

I dont think the OP is getting a pasting, but he is asking us questions that we dont know the awnser to. We dont know why she left but there are alot of signs of PND there.

Is he expecting us to wring our hands and say what a bitch she is, as the drip-feed of info seems to suggest that is what he is hoping.

Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 15:31

Dragon I fully expected to get flamed on here so in fairness ive asked for it just by being here but at the same time its good to engage in conversation and try to pick out the positives that actually may make a differance.

That is why I previously asked to be viewed as a single parent not a father but i didnt expect everyone to be able to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 15:33

Shadow im not expecting that. yes there is hurt there but shr is the mother of my kids and they are missing her terribly so maybe the reason I came to you guys and not the dads club is so I didnt get just that and actually got opinions that were unbiased.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/08/2010 15:35

no....you've asked for nothing. men can post here too. also,we do have dadsnet section as well

DuelingFanjo · 19/08/2010 15:35

If they are missing her terribly then do something about getting some kind of reasonable contact sorted. It's no longer about you and her, it's about what is best for them.

Angelcat666 · 19/08/2010 15:36

We can't tell you why your wife left, only she can do that. We don't know the details of your day to day life or how she was feeling or why she chose to have an affair.

The asking for 5 days contact suggests she would like to have the children, or at least see them. As the the lack of contact since her leaving, maybe she was punishing herself, who knows. You mentioned mediation, that is probably the best time to get something sorted regards contact with the children, for their sake.

ShadeofViolet · 19/08/2010 15:37

Why not agree something in Mediation then?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 19/08/2010 15:40

Only a few people are giving the OP a pasting IMO.

Maybe it would be better if you started a new thread, with none of this "but why did she do it?" stuff, and just asking for advice/support on what you want. None of us can tell you, but there are loads of single parents on here and single dads are usually, er, most welcome.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 19/08/2010 15:47

sorry that "none of us can tell you" slipped in unannounced.

dragon - why not redress the balance by giving some advice then, rather than just telling other people off?

GypsyMoth · 19/08/2010 15:49

advice? well for a start i'm a lone parent to 5 myself.....but op doesnt seem to need that sort of advice

ladysybil · 19/08/2010 15:50

i think the question isnt why did the wife leave. but why does any parent leave.

DuelingFanjo · 19/08/2010 15:51

I think parents leave for many reasons.

One of those reasons is that things are unbearable at home.

GypsyMoth · 19/08/2010 15:54

i suppose if you leave,then its the partner you're leaving. the kids would then divide their time between two homes

with one parent paying maintenence.....does she pay anything op?

swallowedAfly · 19/08/2010 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Wanttofly · 19/08/2010 16:07

Hi
I total undrestand where you are coming from. I have PND and no i wouldnt have an affair but i did give my husband our 14 month old bady and do a runner to my mum and Dads. My husband would never leave our son but i did because i was ill. I couldn't cope and i did know how to get help.

Lucky for me i did have support but i could have easily just killed my self. I went to the doctors and got AD and counciling and support for HV and SS.

The day i left i just felt so bad. My husband took our son to my mum and dads and they help me for a week and give me a break and got me help. I was breastfeeding so my son needed me and my husband did what was best for him. We nearly got devioce because of my behavour.

My husband know there was something wrong but did not know how to help me, i needed to do it for myself. its not his fault men just dont know how to handle emotions or what to do for the best and he was scared that someone would take our child away so we struggled in hell untill i snaped.

Its not nice and it hasnt got better yet but im on tablets and im trying my best to get better and make things work.

if you know there was something wrong you should have said something to your HV. Now its too late and you have to deal with what has happened. Get a babysitter and go talk to your wife calmly. Sort out what is best for everyone and move forward.

Do not put the children mother down in fornt of your children, do not lie to your children, no dont stop or block contact with their mother. Remember that they will follow your exsample so set a good one at all times.

Good on you for stepping up to the mark and being a pearent. Its what you signed up for when you had them.

Lulumaam · 19/08/2010 16:13

thre is only so much asking people on a forum can do

i appreciate you want other mother's opinions.. i feel that based on what you have said, you're wife has had some sort of depression/ breakdown and walked away from the responsibilities and life she found to be suffocating. but i can only say tha tbased on what you posted

or it might turn out she was absolutly fine, but could not be bothered to take of the family and wanted a new life with someone else free of responsibility

you need mediation, your solicitor can sort that out

she needs to see the doctor, you can also see th GP and speka to the HV who can also help you support yourselfa nd the children whilst this is the situation

surestart centres are helpful

are you still working? Are the children in childcare at all? you can find out about various benefits/tax credits via the CAB or DWP

Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 16:46

Thanks heaps for all the advise. This place moves so fast with posts its hard to keep up and answer everyone but I have read all your comments constructivly. Mediation in 2 weeks should help a lot and in the meentime their mother has got 2 days a week with her kids if she accepts the contact .

OP posts:
Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 22:59

So does anyone have any advise on what to expect in mediation and how best to get a good result in their.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 20/08/2010 08:55

My advice would be for you both to think of what is best for the children rather than seeing revenge or trying to lay blame while you are in there. It won't be a time to pick over what has gone wrong in your own relationship nor to allow your ex to bring in the reasons for her leaving. You both need to concentrate on setting up something for the children which is in their best interests. They're the ones you need to think of now.

Original poster
ozzywiz · 20/08/2010 11:54

Quite right thanks Duel.

OP posts:
Karmamama01 · 21/08/2010 22:19

Going just on what you have said.

You are in the right. She left and disappeared, put herself before her children.

She has no rights to come back expecting to see the children when she wants.

She sounds terrible. At least your children have a good farther to look after them, who cares for them.

Original poster
ozzywiz · 22/08/2010 21:01

Exactly Karma totally agree with you but from the benifit of the kids I have to work and encourage contact for them with her. Its hard to bite your tongue and not get emotional and say what you meen but for the kids ive done that . . I just wish she would make an effort and actually care to come see them . . hopefully this is now changing as solicitors letter sent to her to have full contact for 2 days a week.

Thanks Karma she really is a dead loss . ..

OP posts:
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