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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife left me with 5 kids . .

74 replies

ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 01:18

I am gonna jump in among the enimies here lol . . . .

Lets see how the mothers explain my wifes actions and if they can be justified . ..

We were happily married for 12 years . . day before our 12th anniversary my wife asked me to move out of the matrimonial home as she had slept with somone else . . in her words she did this because he gave her attention and I didnt.

I left for about 30 mins and then went back and told her that if anyone should leave it should be her as I had nothing wrong and she was the one who wanted the marriage to end and not me and she was the one who commited adultry... I said why should I lose me home and kids . . .

She then left . . didnt see her for like 2 weeks then she came seeing the kids hardly ever . . .

It has now been 9 weeks and ive been on my own with the 5 kids .... the kids are doing brill and ive implemented loads of positive changes in their lives . .

2 weeks ago I received a letter from her sols asking if I would be willing to move out of the home as she wants to move in with the kids..... i replied through my sol that the kids better off with me so im going nowere. . .

She now sent a letter asking for contact to be reinstated asking for 5 days a week qwhich is crazy coming from a none resident parent expecially one who walked out on their kids. ....

She moved in with this guy she slept with and is still with him to my knowledge . .

So my only thought is she doesnt care about her kids and what kind of woman leaves her 5 kids and one at the timje being 10 months old. . i think she is nentally ill . . so please any insight you ladies have on this please share. . i promise to answer truthfully if you have any questions. . .

OP posts:
Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 12:46

Yes it would be very unfair on them and they are not......... I have begged for contact for them kids. received a letter asking for 5 days contact which I believe is to much as would wreck their current routine and I have replied back with an offer of 2 full days being wednesday and saturday which is more reasonable. hopefully overnight contact once she has her own accomodation.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 19/08/2010 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 13:41

Of course I can. apologies for not being clear again im sure you all understand that it is hard to get computer time with 5 lil ones and train of thought is lost easily lol.

Ok as a mother she would always put her kids first in every situation and she loved her kids and cared the best she could for them with my help the kids didnt really want for nothing.

The neglect is really in the few months leading up to the marriage breakdown were the house was a mess and not maintained and the kids were going school dirty with no glasses on and no underwear .... school has now raised these issues with me now she gone and have now seen a huge improvement.

she would sleep during the day while in charge of the kids. Our 9 year old daugter would care and look after the little 8 month year old. . the other kids would run around the estate we lived on with no shoes on . . she would go to bed at 7pm . .

You are the one who has used the term bad mother not me . . as previously stated there was 2 parents involved in the childrens well being at this time so not all blame is at her feet. But the facts are she could not cope and she walked out on her kids instead of getting help and actually talking about her problems.

OP posts:
CerealOffender · 19/08/2010 13:43

do you have a crop in the field?

ShirleyKnot · 19/08/2010 13:45

lol

Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 13:50

a crop ?

I guess this is some kinda joke im not getting . . .

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/08/2010 13:51

Cereal - the same thought came to my mind, too.

OZ - the behaviour you're describing in the run up to her leaving indicates strongly, imo, that your wife was suffering from depression.

Lulumaam · 19/08/2010 13:55

if you were also there, what ws stopping you helping her tidy, make sure the kisd had underwear and clean clothes? Hmm

sounds like she was v v depressed and not coping and you did not help her!

Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 14:00

I was at work.. when I wasnt at work I took the kids to swimming and took the kids to school and collected them from school and took the kids to church and took them out . . If I worked at weekend I would take a few kids to work with me . .

I did identify a few things like the kids not having bedding and on bare matresses and I asked her to sort it out not somthing I could of done as the clothes were in the wash. . im not saying im perfect and yes I could of done more and realize that now but to state I did nothing this is far from the truth.

Somtimes you are so wrapped up in life you dont notice whats right in front of you... I knew she was tired and busy but who wouldnt be with 5 kids . . .

OP posts:
Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 14:03

So depression is not somthing I understand. . .will she need medical help for this or will she just repair with the 9 weeks break she has had with her new fella. lol. . . will she ever know she had depression if she does not understand it herself ?

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 19/08/2010 14:05

the children were still your ersponsibility when you were at work

if you could see she was not coping.. and of course any parent woulkd be tired and busy with 5 children, but no clean bed clothes, no clean underwear goes beyond that.. and if you saw that, the onus fell on you to do something proactive to help her

rather than pointing out to her she needed to put clean sheets on teh bed

who is having the children in teh day when you work or are they all at school>?

Lulumaam · 19/08/2010 14:06

she needs a diganosis from tej GP and medication

if you don't undersatnd, eduacate yourself

SexuallyInactive · 19/08/2010 14:07

If you were taking the kids to school didn't you notice they were dirty?

I like the crop in the field, much better than a snag short of a barbie.

ShirleyKnot · 19/08/2010 14:15

Please stop saying "lol" it makes you sound like a fool.

Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 14:55

I dont care if I look like a fool as long as im doing somthing constructive for my kids.

When I took them to school would indicate it was a day off work so was hands on in the house so didnt notice they were going to school dirty as I had dressed them so was not going to school dirty.

As for saying if I dont understand then educate myself . This is exactly what I am doing by posting on here in getting opinions from others in similiar situations instead of hiding in the house doing nothing but look after the kids.

My reason for coming on here was to get an understanding of my and my kids and my ex wifes situation. . . I have nothing against women as if it wasnt for women helping me in this situation I would not of coped on my own . My 2 sisters and all the mothers at the school and the baby sitters are all women who have been absolute rocks for me . .

I had hoped that some of you would see me as a single parent of 5 kids instead of just another dad and man who has failed.

Yes I could of been a better parent and a better husband but what matters now is how best to deal with the situation as the kids are victims of whatever has happened.

I have my children 24/7 when my wife walked out on the saturday I had no choice but to quit my job and be a full time parent.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 19/08/2010 15:05

have you been to the CRB to get some advice about benefits? you should go if not. But I really want you to understand that much as you love them, you will not necessarily be awarded full custody even if she is depressed. Depression is an illness not a character flaw and the courts should be looking at it in that way.

What do you want advice on? We can't tell you why she left or anything, but what else?

ShadeofViolet · 19/08/2010 15:06

Lol @ 'Crop in the field'

But that was only 4 children!

ValiumSingleton · 19/08/2010 15:08

Why do you expect mothers to be able to give you insight into your wife's actions.

i think fathers are about 40 times more likely to walk away from their family and to have lost all contact within a year. so ask a man.

Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 15:13

Thanks Elephant.. ive got all the benifits sorted now so financially ok..
As for full custody this is not somthing im going for as there are other options ive been reading up on like shared residency etc.
I do not want to stop any contact or her having the kids but I do and will fight for what is best for the kiddies at any given time as they have to be both our priorities.

As for advise there is no particular issue im trying to get from you all but just discussion in general as best way to move forward in any situation is to talk about it.

If any of you have been to mediation then a little advise on this would be benificial.

OP posts:
Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 15:15

Valium as you said less women will walk away from thier kids as its just not natural expecially a yound 10 month baby so to ask mothers what would cause a woman to do this seemed like the common sense route but im just a man so common sense may not be my strong area . . . (this is were I would put lol if I had not been asked not too )

OP posts:
Angelcat666 · 19/08/2010 15:18

Educate yourself by googling depression/pnd and learn something about it.

You didn't really leave you wife with much choice about leaving the kids. You moved out then moved back in again. She probably thought if she didn't leave that you would think she'd changed her mind about leaving you. Yes, she could have taken them with her but she probably thought they were better off in their own home amongst familiar surroundings/toys etc. If she is depressed chances are she believes they are better off without her, I'm not saying that's true it may be what she's thinking.

As for quitting your job, why did you not take compassionate leave and see if it was feasible to sort out childcare, if you get child tax credits you may have been eligible for child care costs (someone else will know more about this than I do).

Angelcat666 · 19/08/2010 15:20

Not natural???

Why do people never say it's not natural for a father to walk out on his kids.

ShadeofViolet · 19/08/2010 15:20

Have you asked any of the Dad's you know through your groups what they think? What have they said?

ValiumSingleton · 19/08/2010 15:21

I suppose she must have felt so trapped and so desperate and you didn't hear her. She probably had no voice in the relationship. You escaped off to work and she had five children including one baby!!

Now that you are coping (or not!?) with this same situation, perhaps you understand those feelings of depression, isolation and frustration she probably felt.

Original poster
ozzywiz · 19/08/2010 15:25

Very true on all accounts Angel. But I guess in reality things happen so fast that you have to prioritize and my priority was to be there for the kids.

From my opinion she also didnt think that much about the kids to be so rational. Her one track mind was to leave me and live with her new boyfriend to hell with the consequences of the kids etc. She had only knew the bloke a few weeks on facebook . . I only left for 30 mins as it was better than argue in front of the kids.

OP posts:
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