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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

divorce support - is there anybody out there?

30 replies

desideratum · 18/08/2010 21:04

I've gradually reached a decision to divorce my husband after over 16 years in a relationship and 12 years of marriage. I never, ever believed this could happen to us as my parents divorced when I was 5 and it took me years and years to get over it. Anyway, despite all my best intentions, I have to end this marriage. I need help to get through the process, though. Desperately.

We have two dc: dd is 10 & ds is 7. I'm a regular MNer but have changed names for obvious reasons. Is there anyone who's been there, done that or who is going through similar? I'm terrified and sad and completely lost. Worried for the dc more than myself. How to begin? Thanks.

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Karmann · 18/08/2010 22:11

Hi. It seems that there aren't many around tonight that could help you with this one. Please don't be despondent. Bump for the morning. Take care.

desideratum · 19/08/2010 00:16

I have been shunned! Grin

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pineapplecube · 19/08/2010 00:25

Hey i am just at the start of a divorce terrified just like you. I have been to my solicitor and asked them to start proceedings last week...that is as far as i have got. I will update you though if you wish

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 19/08/2010 00:29

Well I have to respond to that!

Des, there are plenty of people here who are going through just the same thing, me included. It's horrid, but in my case certainly, although there are some issues XH has left behind, I am much happier without him, partly because he was untruthful and caused many issues while he was living here.

Now you are by yourself with the DCs can you find time to pamper yourself and to create some good times for the DCs?

mathanxiety · 19/08/2010 07:19

I have been through it. It was finalised about a year ago after two years of separation and many years of wear and tear, to cut a long story short, up to then. Even going through mediation for custody issues and then through the courts for the rest (financial and property) it was a huge strain in every way, a messy and anxious and miserable experience, but having it done and squared away was better than living in limbo with someone who made it clear he despised me.

For me, the divorce proceedings started after exH had moved out. Are you still living together? Have you broached the subject with your H? Does he have any inkling? Is there any hope of rekindling things?

If you feel the reins are in your hands and you will be the driving force in the separation and will initiate the proceedings, have you given any thought to what you want to have in the end -- child custody, finances, where you will live, etc?

Anniegetyourgun · 19/08/2010 11:44

XH wouldn't move out, so I had to do the divorce while we were living together. That was uncomfortable, to say the least. If either of you are able to move out for the duration I'd recommend you do. If you can't, get any related papers sent to another address - work, parents, trustworthy friend etc.

Starting point for me was googling divorce and separation. The CAB do some excellent guidance online. You may also wish to visit your local CAB for advice tailored more to your circumstances; they should also be able to give you a list of solicitors in your area who do legal advice, assuming you can't afford to pay for one. You should be able to get a half hour or so free consultation from a solicitor, prior to deciding whether this is the one you can work with. Also, quite early on I got the court to send me the petition form so I could see what would be needed, though it was several months before I got to that phase.

Good luck, be strong, and try to act reasonably in all the circumstances, however much you may feel like throwing things at his head. In particular, remember the bugger STBXH will still have to co-parent your children after the divorce, so try not to put any spanners into their relationship. He won't always be your husband, but he will always be their father. (Not that this is necessarily a good thing, it's just how things are.)

sparkle10 · 19/08/2010 19:49

I'm seeing my solicitor for the first time next week to start the ball rolling on my divorce, my relationship was exactly the same length as yours.
I'm not looking forward to it but I need to be free of the hold he has on me.

susiedaisy · 19/08/2010 20:40

hi there, i have been to see a solicitor and had the free half hour, he scared the shit out of me with all the costs that could be involved, but i know i have to do it,when the kids go back to school, i am going to book with CAB and slowly go from there, i am dreading it my H has always said he would rather burn the house to the ground than let me stay in it with the kids if we ever split,so it will be messy, but after 17 years together i cant stand it any longer, sorry to all of those who are faced with the same situation,

mathanxiety · 19/08/2010 21:17

If your H has said that to you, you need to see Women's Aid as well as the CAB.

susiedaisy · 19/08/2010 21:30

mathanxiety, thanks for your reply, i think what he is trying to convey in his own stupid way is if you think you are kicking me out on the street and havin the house and everything you are mistaken,he is mainly a petty spiteful person rather than a domineering bully, sorry i should of made that clearer.

desideratum · 20/08/2010 01:01

I live overseas so no doubt the legal procedure will be different but costly, as is always/usually? the case.

My H doesn't want a divorce. He has everything to lose since our home belongs to my family (we pay no rent) and the dc's education is also paid for by my side of the family. My H is mentally abusive and, imo, very unstable emotionally. I'm frightened of him and have enormous difficulty in sharing a bed with him. He has changed personality to such an extent that I don't recognize the man I fell in love with and married. I have begged him over and over to get help but he refuses to see how enormously damaging his behavior is or maybe, quite simply, he's unable to accept or comprehend it. Everything that goes wrong is always someone else's fault. We have been to marriage counseling but ended up having to have separate appointments because of the terrible rowing when we met with the therapist together. It was extremely expensive and of no help whatsoever. I don't think I should go into too much detail for fear of being identified but I have no-one to talk to. My RL friends are all "talking the talk and walking the walk" of stable, happy family life. I have no job. My family supports me (my mother's pension) which is agonizing and completely unacceptable for me. I need to find the money to retrain and get to work. All I want is for the dc and I to be free of this dreadful trap of misery and anger. The dc love their father, even while acknowledging his temper and lack of involvement in their lives. I miss the man I married but he has gone forever. It's over.

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mathanxiety · 20/08/2010 04:55

Where are you overseas? (General area / continent would do if you don't want to give out too many details I went through my divorce in the US) What kind of women's support agencies are there for you? How could your family help financially or just being there, could anyone move in or give him the heave ho out? How about legal aid?

Could you call the police to have him removed? If you live on your mother's pension, what does he live on?

Have you and your family considered selling the home and moving elsewhere on your own, or maybe moving in with relatives, using the proceeds from the home sale to go back and study? If the house is not either yours or your H's and you pay no rent, is he legally a tenant with any rights?

Grockle · 20/08/2010 05:10

Been there, done that. Mine was messy - 3 years to get divorced but that was finalised over a years ago. We still can't agree on things because he's aselfish arse--

We also lived overseas (US). He still does. Like you, I missed the man I loved but he disappeared. It is better this way.

It's sad and scary but it does get easier and life is better in the end. Honest.

desideratum · 20/08/2010 11:03

Thank you, mathanxiety & Grockle. My H has a good income but somehow doesn't have enough left over to pay rent to my parents. We live in Switzerland.

I haven't the faintest idea how to find a good lawyer. I could find one online or in a phone book but no, I don't think so!:-)

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Grockle · 20/08/2010 13:45

It is hard to find a good lawyer but if you can get any recommendations, I think that is much better. I used a local parenting forum for initial help.

Are you planning on getting divorced in Switzerland or at home? My situation has been made complicated by ex living overseas, DS having dual citizenship and my divorce being done in the US.

The DC will be ok - they're amazingly tough. But you need to look after yourself too.

mathanxiety · 20/08/2010 15:46

It's worth spending the time to do your research where lawyers are concerned. Everywhere there are lawyers there are bar associations, afaik, and sub-associations depending on specialty. You can research by googling initially, then different online forums can help narrow your list. This should take time. Even something like yahoo answers could give you a few leads.

Maybe it would be worth joining a divorce support group near where you live, and just asking the other members who represents them, what their experience has been. A divorce support group is a good idea anyway as you embark on the process. Or if there's anything along the lines of a women's support agency/ shelter, going there and asking if they ever recommend lawyers might be a good idea. Some have a list.

Here's a discussion of potential issues if you think your divorce could have international elements or if you think you might have a choice of forum (locations where the proceedings could take place). The article notes that Swiss divorce law may differ according to canton just as in the US it varies from state to state. Google 'how to find a divorce lawyer in Switzerland' or variations of the question 'best divorce lawyers in Switzerland', etc. and keep digging.

follyfoot · 20/08/2010 16:04

So sorry Sad

Will you be divorcing through the Swiss or UK courts? I'm sure if its the UK, many of us will have excellent recommendations! If its Switzerland, then I guess its a question of asking around if anyone has any recommendations. If not, and you just pick one, do make sure its someone you feel comfortable talking to and someone who will reflect your wishes. Go with your gut instinct. I knew the moment I met mine that it would all be fine (and oh was my divorce messy!) because the trust was there straightaway and she called a spade a spade which is what suited me. Also bear in mind that the cheapest lawyer per hour may not be the 'best buy'. Someone efficient and effective may save you money in the longer run.

As for the children, yes of course it will be tough for them. But they will look back in years to come and see that it was the right thing to do in the longer term even though it didnt seem it at the time. My DD is very sorted these days and my two DSSs would both say they think their parents divorce was for the best. You WILL get there.

Take care x

PS I have a feeling this has all been much tougher for you than you are letting on. The relief when you get it all sorted will be enormous.

desideratum · 22/08/2010 20:59

Yes, it is far more complex. It has been very tough and I don't see things getting any easier in the foreseeable future.

I need to get this out. If I'm boring, forgive me and read something else.

To begin with, I have faith, I'm a Christian but I don't talk about it. I respect everyone's right to believe in a higher being or not. It's true that believing in the love of Christ is sometimes a challenge - not so much for me personally but when I see all the agony in the world. It's hard to believe that a loving "parent" could let such abominations happen. And yet...

I took my marriage vows very seriously. I meant every word of them and believed that I could keep the promises I made, for better or for worse. On our 1st wedding anniversary, I was newly pregnant. H, already having children from a previous marriage, had been quite clear that he didn't want to start a new family. I was equally clear that I wanted at least one child. I couldn't believe that, in loving me, he would deny me the right to motherhood. He wasn't too adamant about it and so I didn't worry. I didn't understand at the time how great the responsibility is of having children - you don't until you experience it first hand! And so we were married. And on the day that we should have been celebrating our first year of marriage, H asked me to consider an abortion. I threw my wedding ring at him, along with a clock and anything else I could get my hands on. I guess I should have known then that I had chosen the "wrong" man to be my partner, that I should have taken his protestations more seriously. So I suppose that, in a way, this divorce is my fault.

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mathanxiety · 23/08/2010 00:32

No it is not.

You have an absolute right to have your beliefs and to desire a child. He knew about your beliefs, presumably, and your desire to have at least one child. If he didn't want any children, he could have had a vasectomy or decided not to marry you after all.

Divorce is not about fault or emotion or the history of the relationship, about intentions or promises or even who threw what at whom. It is the severing of a civil bond that existed on paper in the register and the accompanying financial and tax and residential ties. It sometimes involves definition of what will constitute the essentials of the parental relationship and responsibilities between the two parents and any children of the marriage.

The spiritual aspect, or the things that happened in the relationship that wounded you and defined you and eventually led you to the realisation that you could not go on, those are best sorted out with a counsellor or confessor.

(My ex and I had agreed to have children but he still greeted news of one particular pregnancy with a heartfelt "Damn" -- one of the first deathknells of our relationship that I took seriously)

desideratum · 23/08/2010 01:08

Ouch! That's bad... so sorry. How can they react so badly when they are equally as implicated or responsible?

Thank you so much for your support. I've been going through some serious self-doubt re my strength to get through this and actual physical fear of H this evening. Thank God he's not here.

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desideratum · 23/08/2010 12:20

I've just told dd. I thought she had understood as we've talked about it before but today I told her unequivocally that H and I are going to separate. She's in tears. It's very, very hard. I feel sick, I feel monstrous but I know that I'm doing what is best us all.

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mathanxiety · 23/08/2010 17:31

It's hard, no doubt about that. Are there programmes for children who have experienced a loss through death or divorce anywhere near you that she could participate in? Sometimes churches run loss support groups for children.

Sometimes children imagine divorce means they will lose literally everything they hold dear, down to their last stuffed animal; I found it helped to ask mine what worried them the most about the prospect of divorce -- turned out to be some little things and some big things, quite a mixture. No matter what, as long as your DD knows you're there and you're available for any kind of chat, she will feel more secure.

You did the right thing by telling the truth straight up too -- I think in the end it's easier to heal and move forward when the truth is known, rather than trying to live her life not really knowing the state of affairs.

desideratum · 23/08/2010 18:54

I haven't been able to tell ds yet. He will be devastated. He's had many troubles in his short life (just 7) and to deliberately cause his worst fear to become reality is against all my maternal instincts. I do believe that what I'm doing is ultimately the best thing for them but how long until the dc realise that? Will they hate me? Ds will be so upset! He's such a sensitive little boy, very bright but troubled already by low self-esteem and ADHD.

It's such a relief to be able to write these worries down and know that someone cares, even a little. I feel so alone and so responsible - I can't be perfect, I can't take on so much yet I really have no choice.

Thanks for reading and replying so regularly, mathanxiety. It means so much.Smile

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mathanxiety · 23/08/2010 22:08

Well, my DCs got told in the car on the way to school by their father, then dumped on the curb. When I found out what he had done I had to go to the school and pick them up -- they were all in a state of shock. It was news to me too at that point that he was going to be leaving. You're doing far better than that, even though it's very difficult to go through with it and say the words; you're still there after the words are out, and that's what matters.

I had to go through explaining to them all that our house had to be sold and we are now in the process of waiting for someone to make an offer, pack, find somewhere else smaller and cheaper to live, and then move. They have all got through that in their own ways, although I lost a lot of sleep over how I would tell them. I have to answer the same questions over and over again from the younger ones, who need reassurance more than the older ones do it seems.

I felt terrible telling them, first about the divorce and especially because of the way they first learned about it, and then on top of that after an intervening year, about the house sale. I felt as if I was dismantling their world, and I questioned myself endlessly as to whether this was the only option we had had, whether things had really been so bad that it had to come to this, that the children should have had this nightmare visited upon them. I wrestled long and hard with my (Catholic) conscience. In the end, I felt that as an adult I had a duty to protect the DCs from the negatives that came with life with my exH, and that there were enough of them to fully justify the decision that I eventually made, not just for the sake of my own health and safety but of theirs too. We have been poorer but mush happier since parting ways, and DD1, who was estranged from her father for very good reasons, and lived at home like a hermit in her room, rejoined us physically, to everyone's happiness.

There's no good time to go through any of this, but I think as long as you are able to explain and answer and be available for the children, and provide security and routine and reassurance to the best of your ability, or to honestly say "I don't know the answer to that, but we'll get through it together, I'll take care of you no matter what, none of this is your fault" the children will feel they won't fall through the cracks.

desideratum · 27/08/2010 01:28

DC experienced a very disappointing chat with their Daddy on Skype last night. Following this, my poor dd had a seizure. I can't sleep and it is the one thing I most need atm. initiating this divorce must be the hardest thing I've ever done but if it is possible to be 100% sure about anything, I'm feeling it about my decision to end this marriage asap. So guilty, so distressed... my bp is sky-high, I have panic attacks, I can't sleep, I can't eat and my stomach is in knots - real pain. Bizarre. Please think of us with compassion and send us all your prayers, wishes and positive energy.

Feeling a bit "tired & emotional" this night. Sorry but...

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