DH just irritates me so much.....is it normal to feel this way?

[ABitTipsy]

I think it's because he is around a lot more because of the holidays. He has been at home for one day so far and is just winding me up. And I know I am being very unfair as he is actually doing loads with the DC's and cooking them their tea right now.

But, they are starving as we normally have tea at 5.30 and he has only started making it, so won't be ready for at least 20 mins, ie 6.30. I know it's not the end of the world but it just winds me up, he knows what time they normally eat and if I'd known he was going to leave it so late to cook their tea I'd have done it myself except I was busy doing stuff upstairs and didn't know he was faffing about not cooking their tea til I came down and saw he had only just started cooking it.

He is an intelligent man and perhaps he likes to save his brainpower for work, but at home he is so slow on the uptake, almost as if he is retarded. Eg, we're watching something on tv that we've recorded, the recording ends and it's the blurb after the show which is obviously out of date as it's talking about the next programme that we will not be watching and he just sits there, as if he's forgotten it's a recording and watches the 'blurb' until I tell him to switch it off and put on the normal tv. I know this is a ridiculous thing to get wound up about but it just does, he is just so slow to react and respond to things. I know I'm impatient and my reaction times are super quick, but he honestly sits there for ages after the recording has finished before he switches over.

He also mumbles, swallows his words and uses a very low tone of voice when he speaks so I ALWAYS have to ask him to repeat himself. I have heard him on the phone and I can tell he is being asked to repeat himself then as well by the person on the other end. Why oh why does he not realise that he needs to speak clearly so other people can hear him properly? It irritates the hell out of me. I have asked him why he speaks like this and he says it hurts his throat to speak up!!!!! wtf

I try and just ignore him if he mumbles but find it really hard. I want to know what he has said so always ask him to repeat himself. Why does he not learn to just speak up? He is not thick by any means.

He also always contradicts anything I say, not in a mean aggressive way, I think he just tries to play devil's advocate, but again it just winds me up because he does it ALL the time, not just occasionally, even when I know he does actually agree with me, he just can't seem to be able to just say, "Yes, dear" !

I find myself thinking twice before starting any sort of conversation with him as it's just so much hard work what with the mumbling and contradicting. Oh and don't get me started on the interrupting and talking over me. We have had countless arguments about this and he has accepted it is a problem and he tries for a while to stop, but inevitably slips back into the interrupting habit again.

He has a negative take on everything. Always looks for the flaws and reasons why we can't do something as opposed to being positive with a 'can do' attitude. I am intelligent enough myself to have considered the possible pitfalls in a prospective plan, but I still try and be positive and think it is possible. He just seems to focus on the negative. He NEVER gets excited or enthusiastic about anything, even something he wants to do. It's like he feels he has to restrain himself, as if it's childish to get excited and jump up and down about things! I don't literally jump up and down but I do get excited about eg going on a holiday, making plans for the future to do lovely things with the DC's etc, but he is just so calm and unexcitable if that's a word. His lack of enthusiasm gets me down at times, it's like he takes the wind out of my sails.

I know I'm moaning a lot, don't get me wrong, DH is a decent, solid, type of bloke, 100% reliable, decent etc. But he seems to lack any spark, enthusiasm, life. And it really gets me down.

Ok, rant over. Breathe.

Hello all, have had a nice day out shopping by myself but was frustrating as I think this was my 4th or 5th attempt to find a nice pair of walking boots in my size and I still haven't managed to find a shop that stocks my size. I'm 4.5 and that particular size seems to be forever out of stock.

Thanks for all the posts, nice and otherwise.

checkmate, I had to laugh at your suggestion of speech therapy for DH! Maybe it's what he needs but he would never agree in a million years. Maybe it's too late now anyway, he probably should have had it 40 years ago! And I agree with you about how it makes me feel when he says he saves his brainpower for work, it is belittling and demeaning to me, as if me and the DC's aren't important enough to him to be fully alert with us. I know he'll say that his job is very taxind and demanding and keeps me in the lifestyle to which I am accustomed, and therefore it is important he does it well.

chandon, why do you feel sorry for my DH? I do respect him, I do like him and I certainly don't walk all over him, if that were the case we would not be together right now. He is certainly no door mat or henpecked husband which you would soon realise if you met him. And what do you mean by 'setting him free?' Do you think I have him locked up in a cage and I hold the key or something? He has his own key and he is free to come and go as he pleases, including leaving me if he so chooses. So far he has chosen to stay of his own free will. I certainly don't 'make' him stay, how on earth could I do that? I think you sound a bit mad and I shall ignore any of your future posts.

pithy, again, why do you feel sorry for DH? I can assure you he is big enough and hairy enough to take care of himself, he certainly does not need your pity. And yes, on a thread that I started to vent my feelings about how certain things my DH does that irritate me, it would sound like it's all his fault and I would not be talking about things that I do that irritate him because that's not what this thread is about. Again you also sound a bit mad and I shall ignore your posts too.

violet, yes, I do consider the house my territory. And I do feel my territory has been invaded during the holidays. I need my own space and time to myself. I think that's perfectly normal. That doesn't mean the house is not a home for all the family, of course it is, but whilst everyone is at home, my space and time gets completely eroded, unlike when DH is at work and the DC's at school when I get a couple of hours to myself everyday.

Trapped, hi, yes, I do get the impression that at least some people know what I'm talking about so that's good.

violet, how are you so sure DH must be picking up on my continual dissatisfaction when I am not actually continuosly dissatisfied? In this thread I have listed all the things that irritate me about DH, but there are plenty of things that don't irritate me. Do you realise I haven't given you a balanced picture of our relationship, because this thread is only me talking about the things that irritate me? And yes, we have plenty to talk about, including politics, books, films, music, etc etc. Having things to talk about is not the problem at all. I was upset about the dinner being late on the DC's behalf as they were starving, I don't mind waiting but they are only young and I felt sorry for them.

eaudevie, thank you for saying I sound lovely! I'm like most people, sometimes nice, sometimes lovely, sometimes grumpy etc etc. Nobody is nice or lovely all the time although some of the posters on here seem to think I should be! And yes, once term and work start again, I'm sure I'll be back to my lovely self! And you are also right in that I know I can't change him (but he himself does want to change his habit of interrupting so hopefully that will change) so I do need to find a way to accept and live with his mumbling and doziness.

catbutler, what is it with these men whose throats hurts if they speak in a normal voice?

takethatlady, the thing is I don't actually tell DH about all these things about him that irritate me. I have talked to him about the interrupting as I think it is just plain rude and he is trying to change. I haven't talked about the mumbling to him, I just keep asking him to repeat himself and hope he'll get the hint to speak up but he hasn't so far.

happymum, things were fine when we first got together, they went downhill after we had DC's. Things are getting better now as the DC's get older, the youngest starts full time school in January 2011 and I can see things improving a lot after that.

careful, yes, you are absolutely right. And I am making my own life more fulfilling with friends etc so I am happy regardless of what DH is doing ie mumbling/sneezing/whatever. The holidays are hard as lots of my friends are away right now and I guess I miss chatting to them. I am also desperate to go back to work but have to wait til DS is at full time school so I am frustrated by having to wait, it's these last few months that seem to be the worst.

Lucy, I don't know, what does he look like?

DON'T SHOW HIM THE THREAD!!!!

I can empathise. My dh winds me up too. I am 'quicker' and 'sharper' (he is cleverer in different ways). He likes watching X Factor and American Idol ! I put him down a lot.

Just realising how my putting him down is actually making him less confident and therefore slower in decision-making, slower in DOING etc.

I think he was a fairly unconfident guy but I've made it worse . Hate to admit that to myself and not sure how to stop it (I was brought up with a Mum who constantly nagged - and still does - my Dad).

Anyway, so what I am saying is, he probably notices your irritation. It's probably making him worse if he is an unconfident guy (I am thinking about the mumbling when speaking here). Unfortunately it's going to take years and years of encouragement to turn him into the kind of guy who takes charge, talks clearly (!) and doesn't 'mong out'. Pointing stuff out constantly is probably going to make it all a lot worse.

Easier said than done I know!

Musthave, thank you for saying I am probably quite normal! I think I probably am too!

Yes, you are right abour ignoring the posters who think I should just put up and shut up and who feel sorry for my DH. Even DH himself would laugh at the notion of him being a poor, downtrodden, henpecked, little dear. It is so far from the truth, which anyone who met DH and I would soon realise.

Yes, my DC are still quite young, the youngest will not start full time school til Jan 2011 and I am tired with running round after them during the holidays. We have no family help or support whatsoever so it's all down to me.

Anyway, I have enjoyed reading all your posts and responding to them and feel much better for my day out shopping. We're going away at the weekend so must get on and start some packing.

Btw, I was being very tongue in cheek when I was moaning about DH's loud sneezes, but they do make the house shake so they must be quite loud!

OK, just seen that you don't point stuff out constantly (you're a better woman than me )!

But he probably does get some of the irritation...not sure how to change this in myself. I think being happier in myself. So hopefully when you get back to work, and as kids get older and you feel closer to dh, you'll feel less irritated. That's what I'm hoping anyway!

I'm tired, not making much sense. Hoping for myself. I am mumbling now...just on the internet.

Have a nice hol!

I understand how you feel - I've had times like this with dh. He snores, sneezes loudly, isn't as quick on the uptake as me, sometimes seems to challenge everything I say.

But has loads of great points and a brilliant sense of humour - the trouble is all of that can get lost, especially if I have PMT or we're under stress.

It can become a vicious circle, and I'd second those who say you need some time apart. I've found yoga is great for giving me some headspace, but it might be something else for you - just get a break.

The other thing I'd strongly suggest is that you praise him at least three times as much as you criticise. There must be stuff he does that doesn't annoy you - e.g being good with the dc, good at his job, good at holding an interesting conversation about politics.

I feel I sometimes have to "train" myself out of a negative spiral and focus on the good stuff, accepting we're different personalities and getting some of the stuff that he doesn't do elsewhere - e.g. go to a dance class if I want some fun rather than rely on him if he's in a grumpy mood.

tipsy - are you me? I think it's normal to be irritated with each other when you are spending 24/7 together. And if there are hormones, sleep deprivsation, financial concerns, stress thrown in - well 'meh' as mentioned earlier in the thread.

Time apart is the only thing I can think would helpo. No other suggestions - but watching this thread

Merry, thanks for your post. Our DH's sound similar. I am quicker and sharper than DH, but he is cleverer in other ways. He's got loads of patience and pays attention to detail, I'm more of a 'generalist'. His brain seems to take a long time to 'process' things, whereas mine just seems to whizz through stuff and I know I can't expect DH to be as quick as me but it's hard.

BUT, DH is most certainly not lacking in confidence. He is very self confident. In fact when we first met, I was hugely lacking in self confidence and self esteem. But I have grown and matured and have developed and built self confidence, self esteem and self respect where before it was lacking. So we are more 'equal' now I would say and where before I would have just put up and shut up about things I was unhappy about, now I'm not. I value myself and my happiness and I want to be treated with respect and courtesy. Which is why I am not willing to tolerate DH interrupting me constantly. The mumbling is harder to tackle, it's not really a case of DH being rude, just.....I don't know. I have never met anybody else who mumbles, slurs and swallows his words like DH does. Speech therapy actually sounds like a very good idea but I know he'd never go for it. Perhaps he just needs to learn how to project his voice properly without it hurting his throat.

msripley, perhaps he does pick up on me feeling irritated even if I don't say anything. Re the praising him thing, that is a good idea, but other than his job, which he does very well, I can't honestly say he is particularly good with the DC's. It's not really his fault, he doesn't see them as much as I do and so doesn't know them as well and eg just doesn't know how to get them to do things they don't want to do without causing a problem. I keep my mouth shut and stay out of it but I feel sorry for the DC's because I know how to get the best out of them and keep everyone happy but still get them to put their shoes on, brush their teeth etc.

It really seems he is good at his job and earns a lot of money, but not really good at anything else either in the house or with the DC's and I am much better at him at all those things, so it's hard to find things to praise him about unless I keep praising him about his work.

And challenging everything I say is one of the things that annoys me the most. I would love to know how to deal with that one in a different way.

I think a bit part of the problem is that I need to go back to full time work. Then I would also be a bit dopey and dozy at weekends whilst I 'saved' my brain for work and we would both be mumbling to each other and it wouldn't seem so bad. As things are right now, I'm home all week and have bags of energy at the weekend, want to be out doing stuff, chatting all the time and I think he is just exhausted from work and wants to rest and veg out.

potpourri, I don't think I am you unless I namechanged and forgot! I hope you find some help in this thread, most of the advice seems to be to have time apart and just wait it out til things improve!

Tipsy, does your dh work with computers? . Sounds v similar to mine. Maybe some of the 'switching off from work' thing is at work in our home too, but he hasn't been able to articulate it. Maybe I should cut him some slack on that

I've read the whole thread now. You do sound v similar to me in some ways - being a mad, silly, spontanteous. I remember I had a massive row with dh before we had kids because I wanted to go and watch fireworks on firework night, but he wanted to watch them from the window!!! That's classic of my dh, he would happily stay at home all day long and never DO ANYTHING.

I have 3 dc's. A ds and twins - twins not yet 2. Irritation is a bit part of my life!!!

I'm surprised the speech thing hasn't come up before eg. at work. Do you think if you talked about it with him in a patient way, dug around a bit, he may own up that it has caused problems for him? It reminds me a bit of that guy who is the voice for Lightning McQueen (if you have boys) - he sort of drawls, but at least you can understand him.

Anyway, enjoy hol. If you're doing stuff it may be more bearable, with distractions and fun happening.

OP - you do sound like you're a bit of a perfectionist imho (so am I, I understand) - and your dh doesn't live up to your very high standards with the dc. Perhaps you need to chill out a bit over that?

It does sound like going back to ft work would be very stimulating for you and your relationship - the danger is though, that it might create more stress and make things worse

Merry, yes he does work in IT with computers. I think his brain functions like a computer as well! And like your DH, mine would love to just stay in all day and not go out at all. He is a bit of a couch potato and I want him to set a good example for the DC's and be more active. He can't even swim!

At work I think he gets round the speech thing because he probably emails people mostly and doesn't have to speak much. But will investigate that a bit more.

Anyway, thanks for your post, it helps to know I'm not alone. But poor you too!

I'm feeling better today. I must stress that all the things I mention irritate me and I am sure that whoever I lived with would have some irritating habits and I'm sure I have plenty of irritating habits of my own. I love DH very much and I know he loves me, so we'll get through this patch I'm sure.

Are you sure you're not just fixating on the negative points that he has because you're feeling resentful that your roles have changed? His speech being irritating sounds like a relatively small thing to have such a huge reaction to - presumably this isn't a new thing - didn't he speak that way when you met, married and decide to have children together? I don't agree with the posts suggesting time apart - although perhaps you need some time to yourself away from the children and him for some 'me' time, maybe a class or part time job would provide a different focus for you and stop you focussing on him so much. This might also give him the opportunity to get better with the children, he can't improve if he doesn't have the chance to spend time with them without you. I still think maybe you need some time together to remember why you're a couple.

Overall, what would have to change for you to feel happier - his behaviour or your reaction to it?

ABitTipsy - Lol I laughed when I read your op as my DH talks the same and it winds me up so much! He did it on our wedding speech, mumbbling through his speech and talking to his shoes. I dont think anyone heard a word he said but clapped at the end all the same

I go through the same ups and downs in my relationship with my DH. We are so focused on the kids that we forget that we are a couple. I really agree that some time away from the DC's and the 'duty' of being parents together to capture again the essence of why you both fell in love. There are some really great responses here from other MNers and I will take some of that advice to use myself when I get annoyed at my DH. Hope you have a lovely weekend.

Tipsy, i'm having one of those mornings too... having been up nearly all night with my dd of 4 months and after letting dh sleep on sofa, he comes upstairs telling me how tired he is
Basically, tiredness is HIS pet gripe and now that i am about a million times more tired than him all the time he just can't recognise it.
Plus i can totally relate about him not being on the ball at home. Mine has this habit of saying he'll take dd downstairs for a bit while i try and have a nap but he doesn't really engage with her preferring to fix his lunch or whatever. She gets bored, he mistakes this for hunger and brings her upstairs to me. FFS!!! She takes two bites on the nip and is clearly not hungry. DH is then off doing his own thing again!!
Its just less stressful when he's at work. Sorry DH! Much as i love him, i could actually strangle him sometimes.

Sorry just realise i had a massive moan and not added any positives!! My way of dealing with this is frankly to tell him what's irritating me and let him know that i think he's doing stuff wrong. Sounds harsh i know but then inevitably we get to a position where we can actually discuss what the sources of conflict are and find solutions together. I think its fine to say how you feel even if its not particularly nurturing. When dh does the same back to me i actually appreciate that he's angry and i need to give him some tlc and stuff. He just needs a clear reminder sometimes that i exist and have needs too.

That's helpful now that you've given a more balanced picture, and clearly your DH doesn't irritate you all the time. So that's good!!

The only thing I still think is a bit dodgy is the viewing the house as your territory. OK, so you have times that you have the house to yourself while your DH is at work and the kids at school, which is a rare luxury these days as many women would be out working at these times. However, if this luxury is becoming soured, because it's making you resent the time your dh and kids are around, then you need to rethink. If you feel you need 'time and space', how much more do you think your kids and DH need it? it's not easy being out at work all day and then coming home to a house where someone else feels they have 'staked their claim'. I occasionally get home first from work (my kids are older so may have gone off into town and dh may still be working). It's a nice feeling, to have the place to myself, but it's not an entitlement - it's a family home. Your dh doesnt get that time, ever, because you're already at home, and maybe he needs to unwind, just be himself. Just a thought.