DH just irritates me so much.....is it normal to feel this way?

[ABitTipsy]

I think it's because he is around a lot more because of the holidays. He has been at home for one day so far and is just winding me up. And I know I am being very unfair as he is actually doing loads with the DC's and cooking them their tea right now.

But, they are starving as we normally have tea at 5.30 and he has only started making it, so won't be ready for at least 20 mins, ie 6.30. I know it's not the end of the world but it just winds me up, he knows what time they normally eat and if I'd known he was going to leave it so late to cook their tea I'd have done it myself except I was busy doing stuff upstairs and didn't know he was faffing about not cooking their tea til I came down and saw he had only just started cooking it.

He is an intelligent man and perhaps he likes to save his brainpower for work, but at home he is so slow on the uptake, almost as if he is retarded. Eg, we're watching something on tv that we've recorded, the recording ends and it's the blurb after the show which is obviously out of date as it's talking about the next programme that we will not be watching and he just sits there, as if he's forgotten it's a recording and watches the 'blurb' until I tell him to switch it off and put on the normal tv. I know this is a ridiculous thing to get wound up about but it just does, he is just so slow to react and respond to things. I know I'm impatient and my reaction times are super quick, but he honestly sits there for ages after the recording has finished before he switches over.

He also mumbles, swallows his words and uses a very low tone of voice when he speaks so I ALWAYS have to ask him to repeat himself. I have heard him on the phone and I can tell he is being asked to repeat himself then as well by the person on the other end. Why oh why does he not realise that he needs to speak clearly so other people can hear him properly? It irritates the hell out of me. I have asked him why he speaks like this and he says it hurts his throat to speak up!!!!! wtf

I try and just ignore him if he mumbles but find it really hard. I want to know what he has said so always ask him to repeat himself. Why does he not learn to just speak up? He is not thick by any means.

He also always contradicts anything I say, not in a mean aggressive way, I think he just tries to play devil's advocate, but again it just winds me up because he does it ALL the time, not just occasionally, even when I know he does actually agree with me, he just can't seem to be able to just say, "Yes, dear" !

I find myself thinking twice before starting any sort of conversation with him as it's just so much hard work what with the mumbling and contradicting. Oh and don't get me started on the interrupting and talking over me. We have had countless arguments about this and he has accepted it is a problem and he tries for a while to stop, but inevitably slips back into the interrupting habit again.

He has a negative take on everything. Always looks for the flaws and reasons why we can't do something as opposed to being positive with a 'can do' attitude. I am intelligent enough myself to have considered the possible pitfalls in a prospective plan, but I still try and be positive and think it is possible. He just seems to focus on the negative. He NEVER gets excited or enthusiastic about anything, even something he wants to do. It's like he feels he has to restrain himself, as if it's childish to get excited and jump up and down about things! I don't literally jump up and down but I do get excited about eg going on a holiday, making plans for the future to do lovely things with the DC's etc, but he is just so calm and unexcitable if that's a word. His lack of enthusiasm gets me down at times, it's like he takes the wind out of my sails.

I know I'm moaning a lot, don't get me wrong, DH is a decent, solid, type of bloke, 100% reliable, decent etc. But he seems to lack any spark, enthusiasm, life. And it really gets me down.

Ok, rant over. Breathe.

stormy, it is a real shame that DH and I don't have the same sense of humour. It would make such a difference if we found the same things funny and he didn't get so embarressed about everything.

You're lucky that your DH recognises when you need time to yourself, mine doesn't at all, but he doesn't mind if I tell him I need some space and go off by myself so that's good. I know we'll get through this, I really do think I am getting super irritated because I am not getting any space or time to myself and haven't really for over 2 weeks.

AF, there is no point in showing him this thread as he's not going to change. I need to find a coping mechanism so I can learn to live with him as he is. Right now I am coping by venting my irritation and frustration on MN. I find it utterly useless when I do this and people tell me to be grateful for what I've got etc etc. I just don't buy that bullsh*t. I do appreciate DH's many good points, but that does not mean he does not also have his highly irritating points and I cannot just ignore them when they are right there, in front of me, staring me in the face every day. Eg the mumbling, this is the way he talks all day. I find it INFURIATING. I CANNOT ignore it, I have tried.

And I have no doubt he finds things about me highly irriating and annoying. That is par for the course when you live with somebody. But rather than seethe inside with irritation I am venting it on here which is why MN is so fab, a harmless place to vent our frustrations. How on earth is it constructive or helpful to tell me to ignore the bad and focus on the good? If I could do that, I would have done it and not be posting on here.

Anyway, off to bed now as I feel much better for getting all this off my chest. 'Night.

And remember that, to a large extent, opposites do attract. Can you see, in couples around you, that often one partner is quite impulsive and not very good with money, and the other is a planner and budgeter. One is very extrovert and indiscreet, the other is shy but very kind. People often go for those who can balance out their weaknesses to some extent.

You're mentioning words like excitement and enthusiasm a lot. Is your holiday one where you can do some exciting, off the cuff things on some days? How about trying to negotiate that you each get to choose the activity on different days; to an agreed budget?

Also, is the problem in your sex life (him enthusiastic, you not; the opposite of your usual personalities) caused by the boredom, or is it at the root of all this?

Alarm, no he doesn't mumble because he feels intimidated, that's just the way he speaks. He's like that with everyone, including DD and even she has to ask him to repeat himself. He says it hurts his throat to speak up, I have no idea how or why. I think he's just lazy, it takes more effort to open his mouth properly and exercise his vocal chords properly so he just doesn't bother.

He's not hard of hearing, he just seems in a daze half the time. And he has told me his brain is only at full throttle when he's at work and at home it's on 'standby', which explains why at work he's able to do a demanding job well and at home he's a bit of a dope. I do understand that he needs to 'rest' his brain at the weekend so he's ready for work again on Monday, but I just can't handle this dopey, mumbling DH that I seem to get at weekends. He's irritating and annoying. I'm sure if at home he was 'switched on' like he is at work, I would find him far less irritating.

And the interrupting thing, he admits that is a problem that he needs to change and as I said, he tries for a bit, and it's better and then as it probably takes a lot of effort for him he soon runs out of steam and goes back to his bad old ways.

I've found in the past that me and dh go through phases when everything's fine and other times when we drive each other insane. It always helps us to have some time on our own out of the house to review where we are -a sort of state of the nation session. Quite often the problem seems to stem from irritation or frustration about something that hasn't been discussed properly and has led to misunderstanding and resentment. It sounds like you're being highly critical and maybe being aggresive toward him, which is not a great way of resolving issues - you need a sensible discussion without getting angry, and let him have his say - maybe he's anxious about getting his head bitten off?

We're greatly in need of a session at the moment as it happens... scarier to address than ignore but it's got to be done.

Right so he's fully engaged when at work, which I presume interests him?

I don't mean this to sound bad, but maybe you don't stimulate him intellectually and he is bored at home?

I could be barking up the wrong tree but just a thought.

checkmate, yes, I did actually like him initially because he was quite quiet and didn't talk too much, but was clearly very intelligent. Actually I don't talk a lot, I'm quite quiet as well, but when I do speak, I speak clearly so people can hear me and understand me. Perhaps I should record him so he can hear himself?

The sex thing is definately a symptom of the fact that I feel we have little in common. I know that if we could have a really good conversation eg about going off travelling, where he shared my enthusiasm and got excited about it with me, I would feel so much more emotionally connected with him and be wanting to have sex with him. But like I said, he just seems to take the wind out of my sails and point out all the negatives and pit falls in everything, I feel my shoulders drooping and I vow to myself to never again talk to him about anything like that again. But then who do I talk to? Especially if the travelling thing is something we are going to do together, and I know he is also keen on the idea and wants to do it, but he just can't seem to let himself go and let himself feel the excitement, he thinks he has to be the grown up sensible adult and be in control of his emotions and calm all the time. He is not in touch with his 'inner child' at all. He is only ever totally adult.

Re doing exciting things on holiday, yes he will go along with things if I suggest them, he's not afraid to try new things, so that's good, but he doesn't share my love of nature and so I know the sort of things I will want to do won't enthuse or excite him which is just such a shame. We live in a beautiful area and every time I step out of our front door, no matter the season, I drink in my surroundings and feel happy. And I have asked him eg if he notices the blossom in spring and he said no.

He says he is an urban man, but I'm not a contry girl, I love the things urban life has to offer but I also love nature and feel happy just by walking through the beautiful parks near where we live but he just doesn't seem to appreciate the same things as me.

judyem, that sounds like a good idea, will try and give it a go.

trapped, I don't think he is bored at home or by me. He is literally 'saving' his brain power for work and is not fully switched on at weekends. His dad is the same, although of course he is much older, and I can see DH ending up just like his dad. But that dopey, dozy thing is fine in an 80something year old, not in a 40something year old.

Which surely means that you don' appreciate the same things as him either...? Maybe one of Judyem's sate of the nation chats, regarding trying to show enthusiasm for each others interests and passions might help (but you;d have to genuinely try with whatever he likes...)

You keep mentioning going off travelling when you retire. Surely this is quite far off? My DH tries to talk to me about plans for when we retire (he finds putting extra money into our pensions each month very cool, and likes telling me the adventured we should have with it) and I think its all so far off that I really struggle to show interest... I know he'll change his mind 20 times between then and now. Maybe your DC will show more enthusiasm for planning things to do sooner rather than later.

I find it interesting that so many of you think somehow this is my fault, he's like this because of something I'm doing. Why is it always the woman's fault?

Afaic, the only person responsible for DH's behaviour is DH.

why did you marry and have a dd with a man who mumbles / behaves like a dope when with you / whose sense of humour you don't share / who you find so irritating and annoying?? have you radically changed? has he? i'd hate to be married to someone who has these strong negative feelings about so many aspects of me tbh. you don't sound v nice tbh from these posts.

control, he wasn't like this when we got married, he has gradually become this way. And I probably don't sound nice from my posts. But I'm not trying to be nice. I'm letting off steam about things about DH that really irritate me and that I have never talked about before which was undoubtedly a mistake on my part. I should have vented this stuff ages ago instead of letting it build up but I suppose I was trying to ignore the bad and focus on the good and now I know doing that just does NOT work and I think it is the worst advice anybody can ever give to someone.

Sorry, loads of typos, I'm knackered!

Off to bed. But one last suggestion. When DH and I have got to a bored patch and I feel like he's not trying very hard to listen to me and change, I suggest counseling. The thought of having to talk to a stranger about our problems makes him very well motivated to work on our issues for a few years! Maybe your DH will work harder on speaking up, not interrupting, and showing more enthusiasm for the things you enjoy, with a similar conversation?

Have you considered speech therapy? It sounds like his mumbling could be affecting his performance at work as well as your relationship. You could google vocal coaches in your local area - it may be something he couldn't chane on his own at this stage. (But if he could, then the fear of vocal coaching might help him!)

The only thing that reads as "Serious" to me from your posts (not to belittle your feelings; obviously the other things are huge irritants to you) is this thing of him saving his brain power for work and switching off at home. Sure, different regions of his brain may be more fully needed at home or at work (depending on his job), but it seems quite belitting to you and your children. I think it may be the main thing behind you going off sex with him too, you're being made to feel like you come second to his work, which it may be worth pointing out.

Okay, got to get to bed!

sorry, bur cannot help feeling sorry for your DH.

Obviously you do not respect him. You do not like im. You walk all over him.

Why are you with him ? If you`d set him free he would be snapped up in no time by a kinder sort of woman.

Sorry, but you do not actually sound like a very nice person.

I also feel sorry for this man. It doesn't sound like he can do anything right (or the way you want it).
Do you do anything that annoys him?
Because it does sound like it is all his fault.

The most telling phrase so far op was when you said that you feel 'your' house has been invaded, by both your dcs and your dh. You sound excessively controlling tbh, needing to control your environment , getting in a lather if anyone sneezes too loudly, talks too quietly or cooks the dinner an hour later than normal.

You frequently say you wish your dh could lighten up, but tbh YOU are the one coming across as very uptight and unable to enjoy life.

It's not 'your' house. It's the family home. Your dh has as much right to be there as you! It sounds as though you have taken on such polarised roles, you being home all the time while he works, that you have made yourself incapable of being flexible. You see the home as your little kingdom where you rule and he's an irritation. An irritation, mind you, who pays for the home and supports you totally!!

This

Abittipsy, I started reading your op but when I got to your use of the word 'retarded' used degoratively, I found it so offensive that I just couldn't read any further.

Funnily enough violethill thats how I see my house, im away to put my crown on and lord it up whilst they're at school/work lol.

Seriously I think we all feel a bit invaded during the hols if we're used to having all day to ourselves (im in scotland so schools back )

Maybe ask him about counselling and try and chat about things that interest you both?

I don't think its your fault btw, I think we all go through these phases in a relationship.

This may sound harsh, but I think you need to reflect on how you are coming across to him. Because I'm sure he must be picking up on your continual disatisfaction. I also wonder whether he finds you rather dull, and has come to expect to operate on 'half brain' at home because he has been made to feel sidelined at home. Do you ever sit down and have a discussion about politics, or books? The only thing you seem to mention is the gap year idea which is a future thing , and maybe an avoidance of talking about stuff thats happening now ?

I just know that if my dh was off work and cooked the dinner a little later than normal and I got stressed about that, he would think I'd gone utterly mad.He'd tell me to get a grip . I think you really need to step into his shoes for a moment. This could all backfire badly and one day he could turn round and tell YOU a few home truths and leave you high and dry. Your children wont be living under your roof forever. But he will be. Invest some time re kindling the spark before it goes out altogether

I think you sound fine, in fact, I'd say you sound quite lovely and switched on . Just irritated beyond endurance.

And I do think that when you have a bit of time to yourself and the house back, then you will feel the pressure drop.

But, you're right - ultimately, you are going to have to find some way to accept his peccadilloes.

(this is an extract from a book that I found helpful - it's a bit American and psychobabbly, but bear with me):

This belief, ?If only other people would change, things would be much better for me,? may indeed be correct, but it also makes it possible for negative people to control you.
When others are negative they can upset you, because you spend time and energy trying to cope with their negativism, and frustrate your positive efforts.

That really struck a chord with me when dealing with a similar scenario. Now, by and large, I let it go. I've changed how I react to him.

The key to making your life better is to stop blaming him for triggering reactions in you that you don?t like and to focus instead on discovering better ways to respond. It just reduces the emotional strain. Honest, it does.

So, you could try:

• Say, ?You may be right,? then change the subject.
• Pretend you didn?t hear him (shouldn't be too hard, eh? ). Attention is a big payoff for pessimists, so stop reacting to his negativity. Withdraw attention. Be selectively impolite.

Overall, let it go - you can't change him and if the good stuff still outweighs the bad, then that's how he is and it's fine. Just a bit disappointing if you wanted something else. But we can all live with a bit of disaappointment.

Sorry - God! that was an essay. But your post resonated with me.

.....just tried to post a reply but hit the 'report' button instead.

Got a message saying thanks for bringing this post to Mumsnet attention.

Ooooopppps - apologies if you get any funny messages about that ABitTipsy!

Meant to say: lol at the hurting his throat bit. My DP is exactly the same where mumbling is concerned (especially on the phone)

His reason? 'I don't like to shout in my own house' .....errrm yes dear but you're shouting is everyone else's normal volume and clarity level :)

I think it's unfair that people are saying you don't sound nice. I see why they're saying it - it sounds like you clamp down on your husband for silly things that don't matter and probably make him feel inadequate. But we're all capable of doing that if we're unhappy, aren't we? It sounds to me like you're frustrated with the relationship, full stop. My DH and I have always been very happy but I am much more adventurous/impulsive than him. When I got my dream job we moved for it and he was quite upset (though not resentful) for a little while because he changed job. It was his choice entirely and we talked it through but he was almost grieving for his old school (he's a teacher) and it held him back from doing other things. Then everything I wanted to do, like go on holiday, he seemed dead against, picking on all the negatives. It frightened the life out of me because I started to feel I was dragging him through the life I wanted to lead and it did lead to some niggly conversations about silly little things - where I'd start to think, 'he doesn't want to do the washing up right now - just like he doesn't want to do x, y or z'. It was really silly. Obviously in the end we confronted it, talked about it, and it all went totally away and we laugh about it now. But what I'm saying is these sorts of aggravations are usually to do with something deeper that is bothering you about the relationship. You need to work out what that is.

Good luck :)

I think it would definitely be a good idea to have a break as soon as you can

you just seem so irritated and annoyed by him, you probably forgot about how you felt when you two got married

think about the past, think about the things that got you together, and perhaps about how to revive the spark... Otherwise you could suffocate...

sorry for being very honest, but you have to look at your family life as well
you have kids, and it's so important for kids to grow up in a loving and happy family, with both their parents

again, try and have a holiday break from your family as soon as you can, then maybe you will realise how happy you are to have them all, including you DH :)

I completely understand how you feel tipsy - I could have written the same post almost word for word about my dh a few years ago, but I changed things by changing the way that I react to him - as I think a previous poster mentioned. I believe that you can't really change other people, only yourself. Instead of stressing over all the things that weren't perfect about him, and about the life that we were living together that didn't meet my ideas of an ideal relationship, I changed my own life by contacting old friends, going out more, travelling etc. This would obviously be a lot more difficult for you if you have young children, but still might be possible to an extent. I think what I am trying to say is don't sit around blaming him for things not being perfect, take responsibility for making things as good as you can for yourself. Not ideal, of course, it would be much nicer if he was a willing partner in all your plans and ideas, but maybe you just have to accept that this is just not going to happen. If you are not feeling so frustrated by the way his behaviour is affecting you - i.e. by taking more responsibility for your own life - you may not feel so irritated by his behaviour. Just a thought.

By the way, I don't think that you come across as being a nasty person at all - just unhappy and frustrated. I feel for you.

Are you married to my H??

Abittipsy - there are a few really good posts here with helpful suggestions (careful and eaudevie). I think you should read these and try to adapt some of these ideas. IGNORE all the people who have posted to say how horrible you are for daring to feel unhappy and less than satisfied with your dh. They are unhelpful.

I would add, are your dc young? Are you tired/not getting enough sleep? Because being tired makes things intolerable that in the normal scheme of things are easily ignored.

I think you are probably quite normal and with a bit of effort you (and dh) will pass through this phase.

Lucy85 - LOL!!