staying in a marriage cos he can't hurt the children

[piratecat]

walked myself right into a shit situation, nothing phsically has happened.

flame me, i guess i should have been more strong and stopped contact properly the many times we tried. I know i am lonely, but i am much more lonely than before this started.

We've fallen in love, whatever the heck that is, or why or how, it's somehting that has developed over the past 2 yrs of knowing each other, but only came to our minds 3 months ago.

Of course, i know the danger, i know cos i have expereinced it with my own parents and my husband left me for an ow. It's been soulless, and exciting all at the same time.

Yet, i know and knew all along he'd never leave his kids, just can't do it to them.

Does this make him better than the man or woman who does put thier needs first and leave the family home. I don't know.

Well I've called time on it anyway, put it to him that it hurts too much not to be together. Own lives and all that. His reply is that he loves me so very much but can't hurt his kids.

I've dealt with so so much shit over the last few yrs with my ex, my dd and her psychological trauma, her stint in hospital and months of physical pai.

WHY did i allow my heart to open up. what a fucking tit.

there. i had to write it down. it feels better to share, and i am really down right now. x

and attraction, sheer attraction, and that's a really powerful thing.

I dont think either of you is 'bad' or particularly wicked but he was wrong to pursue you when he knew he was going to stay with his wife.Believe me he knew-right from day one.He likes you,he lusts after you but he doesnt love you.Whatever he says he loves his wife and family.You and your dd are better off without a potentially destructive relationship.no more texts eh-try not to 'yearn' it will get better.

yes he was wrong to do that. out of order. I knew that, esp at the start, but the further the weeks went by the less i thought too much about it.

i am flagging a bit this afternoon.

i feel knackered, someone tell me i have the strength to do this. x

Oh Baby

You'll be right
just have some sleep if you can manage it. The morning is wiser, and all that.

Thinking of you here - just come back online ater eventful evening...so and so turned up! But won't hijack here, will explain tomorrow if I don't get a chance tonight.

Meanwhile concentrate on yourself if you can. I know it's hard but listen to what you need, be gentle with you

lots of love x

hiya, thanks.

I felt good this morning. found out that my sister bloody tried to phone him last sat evening, and left a message to him. She told me this wednesday night, i have no clue why she suddenly thought this was a good idea. She just asked him to cal her back which he didn't, obviously, he nevermentioned it to me anyhow, but no matter. It prob shook him up, which he deserved.
I have barely spoken to my sis about this whole thing but i do understand she was concerend.

Anyway, to day, 6 days on he called her back and left her a message saying to call him. He said he'd only just go her message? Or a sudden concscience maybe. Well since she told me earlier, around lunch time i've just been sad again. Wondering why he'd bother.

Since I've finished it since she rang him at the weekend she's not going to ring him back btw. my sis cares but it's often hit and miss!!

Oh your sister sounds lovely! Confusing situation though.
I wonder why he chose to ring her today.

Possible options: 1. He did just get the message. 2. He was worried in case she was going to tell his wife.(sorry) 3. He wanted to make some kind of connection with you, or anyone in your 'team' as it were, because he misses you - or he wanted to know whether she could help him get you back.

possibly.

How horrid to have this going on...I bet you feel like a proper talk with him, just to sort it all out. The trouble is when things are illicit, and then when you try and break it off, you end up with big silences and no communication and your mind plays tricks.

I've found the same with bloke, when I don't speak to him I go into overdrive about it, one way or the other.
What will you do now Pirate?

Will check in with you tmrw xx

deffo no to the wife thing.

i was pissed off with sis to begin with, but now am not she just has tis cackhanded way of dealign with things, and to my knowledge has barely registered what iwas going thru really.

I spoke to her earlier, and she thinks that he has ignored her message til now becuase of what's hapened, ie i have finished it, but on the other hand he is trying to reconnect with me thru her.

It's not going to happen though. have had to deal dd being very upset over why she has to have a shit dad tonight. So once again my crap has to go to the background. That makes me sound horrid, but sometimes i need space for my stuff.

I prefer not to share my story, it is almost past now.

One thing though piratecat, this man is being NICE. He is too nice to leave his children, so nice he worries about you etc etc. This is a persona I recognise. He feels bad about himself, his lying and cheating, his lack of respect for the mother of his children, and the way he has used you. Please don't help him square his conscience by accepting his niceness. Of course it is possible for good people to feel attracted to someone who is not their partner, however good people do not damage the subject of their affections.

Is Saturday, do something nice for yourself. Go for walk and rent a funny DVD. You can get through this, his poor wife does not have that chance. I hope he leaves her and she ghds someone else. I hope he never comes near you again. You deserve more.

Sorry DD isn't happy. I know how hard it is when you feel so isolated that you almost disappear.

'good people do not damage the object of thier afections'

i guess the one and only way someone doesn't damage them is just not to go there in the first place then.

I think he's hurt himself more than me, he's left feeling guilty, bad, sad, fucked up, and encroached on his marriage vows. He has to live with that.

I am hurt but have learnt a ton of lessons. I am free to go do what i like with who i like (except attached ones)and that feeling is great.

It's a good feeling isn't it PC.

Basically love can be messy and difficult but he shouldn't have mucked about with your feelings in this way - certainly not if he was intending to stay with his family all along. That's just cruel - because what were you going to get out of it? He knew you would get nothing, or very little, and he would remain in control.

I wonder about men who do these things - if they are a little bit after a power fix.

I think ex-dp was. He couldn't seem to see it as a bad thing that he had all the power - over her, and over me. And that I didn't like that. It lessens you as a human being, having no power.

I would not call myself a manipulative bitch (hee hee) however, my last self righteous post has produced a fantastic 'fuck everyone' response! Hold on to that honey. You will be ok. No one who cares as much as you do will lack friendships.

Do be careful not to think of him as too 'nice' though, keep a tight hold on that feeling of freedom. The past is past, we have little control of the future. Enjoy today. x

hmm, I have to say/add that I was a terrible flirt in all of this too, shockingly so. I am adding this becuase he was probably very flattered to suddenly have this woman also returning his compliments.
I did get the impression that he was struggling hard with what to do. Very confused by his feelings for me, and I guess he also thought it would suddenly pan out. Like his life could just take a new turn. Never ever asked me to sleep with him or kiss or anything, in fact i have only seen him twice in 3 months, and that was for a coffee.

Perhaps we both have learnt something now.

I guess when one is in this situation, you do have an element of thinking 'oh he's so nice' becuase you never think you'd have strong feelings for someone who wasn't iyswim!

More hindsight ( as you are able to give dontdiss) = clearer head.

You ok? x

hi, sorry didn't check my threads. yes i am fine, getting along ok.

kept busy on the weekend. have slept properly the past few nights.

Piratecat have read thread but am finding it hard to comment, bit too raw at the moment.

Mine is less of an involvement, a friend, and although we have acknowleged that we find each other attractive and enjoy each others company we have never gone beyond friendship -there is no talk of love or deeper feelings etc. Well, apart from the near kiss. Which WILL NOT be repeated.

I am sure mine is just a crush, Combination of someone I get on well with also being attractive, and me being lonely.

Hope the pain eases soon for you. It is fucking hard, it's all very well saying "he's a bastard, nice people don't do that" but when your feelings are involved it's not that easy to get over it.