staying in a marriage cos he can't hurt the children

[piratecat]

walked myself right into a shit situation, nothing phsically has happened.

flame me, i guess i should have been more strong and stopped contact properly the many times we tried. I know i am lonely, but i am much more lonely than before this started.

We've fallen in love, whatever the heck that is, or why or how, it's somehting that has developed over the past 2 yrs of knowing each other, but only came to our minds 3 months ago.

Of course, i know the danger, i know cos i have expereinced it with my own parents and my husband left me for an ow. It's been soulless, and exciting all at the same time.

Yet, i know and knew all along he'd never leave his kids, just can't do it to them.

Does this make him better than the man or woman who does put thier needs first and leave the family home. I don't know.

Well I've called time on it anyway, put it to him that it hurts too much not to be together. Own lives and all that. His reply is that he loves me so very much but can't hurt his kids.

I've dealt with so so much shit over the last few yrs with my ex, my dd and her psychological trauma, her stint in hospital and months of physical pai.

WHY did i allow my heart to open up. what a fucking tit.

there. i had to write it down. it feels better to share, and i am really down right now. x

lol you read my mind. the one thing that triggers the sadness is the phone always being on me and checking it. I was just looking on the internt about ways of healing and ways of distracting myself!
phone has become like an extra limb recently. as was facebook which i took myself off 2 weeks ago.

thinking i could handle it, i activated it up one monrnig at the weekend, then deactivated it by tea time. cannot be doing with it.!

first day of moving forward is today. really tired as didn't sleep much.

Poor you, sounds like a shit situation. Good luck with moving forwards - stay strong! Being off FB is definitely a good idea. Can you get out and go for a long walk today?

hi, gosh, thanks, i need 'people' to comment on here so much.

i am trying so hard, but inside am a reet mess.

Just take it one day at a time. Do try and get out for some fresh air - staying in the house (and on the computer!) is the worst.

You're doing the right thing, keep strong. Sorry you have to feel so lousy in order to do the right thing but 'this too shall pass'.

Piratecat I'm so sorry love.

I had no idea you were going through something like this.

FWIW what helped me when I was tempted was knowing that I'd lose respect for a man who was prepared to lie to someone else. Also thinking ahead 20, 30 years, wouldn't you want to look back and know you were strong enough to say no?

Your self respect is on the line. You're doing very well xx

Also if he actually loved you, he would not be putting you through this.

I've done this with DP - he was trying to shake off his last gf, and I said no, not having this, it hurts too much - and he said right, I will not contact you until I have done it.

I wasn't sure he would because he kept me waiting so long. But if your chap cares for you he will not try and see you in the meantime, he will let you be and go and sort it out himself, before coming to get you.

Sadly many men don't do this, they just try and string it all out, so they see you and stay at home - I don't think it is intentional in a lot of cases, just confusion and mixed up feelings. But you cannot go through being second on his list.

You will feel this way about someone single one day. It's not your only chance.

flighhhhhhht, hi, thankyou.

it's been a big muddle, i knew i had to call it tho. He's called it twice, but we just kept, a few days later saying, oh i miss you or how are you.

Even on saturday when i said, ok i can't do this anymore, he was bereft and said lets take a break and see how we go. This to me was him just not facing up to it, as we have done that before and it hadn't worked.

When he had said this before, ie lets take a break from contact, i felt 'oh he does love me, is still confused' but now, even if he IS i can't do this again iyswim.

So thats why i thought, right, i can't send him anymore texts, saying i am hurting or whatnot, becuase that's also not fair on him. Wrting the please do not contact me anymore text was almost accompanied by an adrenaline rush. Of not, happiness, but just peace somehow.

I'm not even imagining he may choose me, this is it afai am concerned. I can't foretell the future tho, and all i know is that shit happens, and that you can never know.

timeout is the only way.

Pirate - I know a little bit of how you feel. I have stupidly got involved with someone who has a gf and no intention of changing that.

My situation is slightly different in that he was quite honest from the start that all he wanted was 'no strings fun'. I also knew that I liked him way too much for it to be no strings on my part, but went along with it anyway.

After seeing him a few times at my house (not allowed to see him anywhere else of course), he then started blanking me. I didn't push it, just cried myself stupid and tried to move on.

He did get back in touch once, but I told him I couldn't do it anymore because I felt too much for him. He apologised, but said he knew it would happen.

Trouble is, I had to then get back in touch because of something else and so it all started again. He stayed over here last Friday, and we got on so well. He texted me quite a bit over the weekend, and then the txts stopped again, and when I saw him out in public yesterday he completely and utterly blanked me.

I know that once his gf goes back to uni in Sept, he will get right back in touch, and at the moment I am not sure I am strong enough to say no, which is pathetic really.

Obviously, as I said, my situation is a bit different, but as others have said to you, this man does want to have his cake and eat it. Also, if he did ever leave to be with you, would you trust him ??? I know I wouldn't trust the bloke I am involved with.

I know you have been single for a while like me, and am betting that you are thinking, why fgs after all that time, did you have to fall for someone you can't have !! Thats exactly what I think. I feel stupid, angry, upset and cheated.

Not sure my post will have helped at all. Just wanted you to know that I kind of know how you feel.

hi mrsmorgan, i know you.

the only thing that i can say is that it will come to a conclusion, as some point.

i am a beliver in that, I think that until you really feel it, and feel that bit more strength to act on it, or you really are feeling heartbroken, you won't do it. finish it.

I just kept hoping my decision would come soon, i asked the gods/universe/angels/ myself, whatever to help me get there in the end.

xx

Yes I think you are right, and the first time I asked him to stop contacting me, I did actually mean it, and I felt really relieved that it was all over.

Hopefully I will feel able to do that again soon

I hope your situation comes to a conclusion too and you can move on x

Hi Piratecat, hope you are ok this evening.

hi, i kept busy today, took dd to the cinema. Found it very hard to take my mind off it sat there int he dark tbh, first 24 hrs that we havent had contact for some time.

I am actually feeling angry with him at times, for pursuing me, even though i kept responding. Yet i can't hold on to the anger as it's destructive and negates the feelings that have been shared. I don't want to feel like a mug iyswim, yet maybe it will help to see it in hindsight as a mutual attraction, but in a situation that was flawed. At one point today I was 20 miles from my home at a business park, and came out of a shop only to see his car there, 2 rows from mine.

Incredible, i couldn't believe it. Like some stupid sign. Of endurance it seems. I just drove away. So tempted to contact him today and of course i kept checking my mobile. I feel empty.

better day, more at peace when i woke up.

then i put my phone on and there was a text apologising for the text but just wanted to know i was ok, and that he felt so bad.

bad about what. not as bad as i feel.

i did reply but only as i just don't want a horrible ignoring thing going on. in that we do have to see each other about and i really want to respect this thing we had by being a grown up. I just said, doing alright, hard but ok.

he did reply with saying he was feeling terrible too, upset.

i didn't reply. and won't.

flight's gone to bed. will anyone partake of me on here!

Do you remember how you felt when you were left for OW? You don't want to be that OW surely.

I don't believe they stay in marriages because they don't want to hurt their children - it's because they don't want to hurt themselves.

Oh, dear, you sound so sad Pirate. I'm slightly relieved to hear you're starting to get angry. It's totally reasonable!

Mumsnet being what it is, we read tracts of threads about "unfeeling" OWs and SHs (just made that up, for Straying Husband) - and "marriage breakers" and all that. Underneath it all - as I know you know - is a farrago of emotion & desire, and of confusion and denial. It is very crap to be on the wrong end of this. You're on it; you don't need me to tell you :(

I'll state the obvious. He can't/won't leave because/until. This, essentially, means he loves his everyday family more than he loves you. No point in over-analysing it: If he's sane and emotionally healthy, then he's been taking the piss and is quite an unpleasant person. If he feels love for you but also feels locked into his family, he's an emotionally confused & irresponsible boy and god help his wife & kids!

I very much sympathise but am worried about the amount of self-questioning you've invested in your relationship. You may have already read Robin Norwood's "Women Who Love Too Much" and I suggest you re-read it, with a fresher mind. On a wing, I think you might also feel happier after some decent assertiveness training? Here's a primer.

Nice post Grace. It's refreshing to see someone accepting that a woman who loves someone unavailable is not evil, unfeeling or intending to do harm to anyone.

This is rare on MN at the moment (though I ought to emphasise I was given a listening ear by many, many kind people)

Pirate I am sorry I wasn't about for you last night. It musthave been horrible seeing his car and then getting those texts from him.

Too right you were angry...how dare he try and offload onto you about how bad he feels! He's got allthe power in the situation - you've no recourse to help him feel better, he's taken all your rights away and yet still expects comfort as though none of it has anything to do with him making a decision.

He chose them all along and suddenly it's all terrible and he is the victim.

God, you certainly can do better than this bloke. I think I would be hard pushed not to punch him. But then I did put up with this kind of nonsense for four whole years, once. These days I have less compassion (where it is not deserved)

I can totally, totally understand how you got into this situation. But I suspect you are beginning to see exactly why you couldn't stand it any longer.

I used to think the same...'you chose to be with her, and now you feel bad and your heart is breaking...poor you!'

I hope you got some sleep, PC xx

" i really want to respect this thing we had by being a grown up"

No dear, you shouldn't respect this thing you had. It's not worthy of respect. Of course you shouldn't beat yourself up about it because no-one can help who they fall for, they can only help what they do about it, and you have been at least trying to do the right thing. But the star-crossed lovers thing is a fairy tale, you know. If you want to be grown up about it, stop believing in fairy tales. Some might even call it a little, dare I say, tacky, though obviously that's not how it feels when you're in the middle of it. Who amongst us has not had an unfulfilled desire for someone we can't or shouldn't have? I certainly have! And it feels so right and agonising and delicious at the same time... These are all real feelings, but they are being stirred up by an unreal situation. You're "safe" as long as the other party doesn't get in on the illusion too. Unfortunately this one has.

I'd think the car thing was a bit stalkerish m'self, but it probably was sheer coincidence.

Hi piratecat

Hope you are ok today. Well done for trying to cut off text communication - doesn't sound like he's making it easy for you.

Remember as Flightattendant said "You will feel this way about someone single one day."

Have you got any plans for the weekend? Sounds like you need some distraction.

hi, morning all, thanks for all your replies, they have made me think.

I am deffo an aasertive person, not afraid to say 'hey' that's not on. I have done in this situation, and have been much more assertive than him.

'Ifgraceasks' I would describe him as that emotionally in a mess boy. That 40 yr old, who does seem to be unhappy. The crisis thing, it does exist. It was one of the first things i ever said to him.

Anyway, altho i have been swept along by desire, by the sudden 'oh my god someone loves/wants/likes' me, I have found my inner sense and know I have done the right thing.. I feel better, and the respecting what we did just go through is how i prefer to feel. It doesn't mean to say that I am not annoyed with how he behaved tho. Now we are out of the neverending circle of contact, stop contact, it is so much easier to to look at it, which is what i hoped would happen. Bloody hard to be all sensible though. My bereft feelings are gone now, they was just my thing, and i am aware of how hard i fall. Yet i do get back up, whereas in my youth/20's till i grew up and began to know myself, i would be down for a very long time.

It's hard for me to be black and white, and totally think 'oh he's just a cock, just a dysfunctional wanker', as I have seen and know of so many marriages end, and as is much discussed on here, sometimes an ow or om, highlights problems.

Hi piratecat (love that name) I have just read this thread and nearly wept. I have experienced a similar situation from another point of view. The pain is huge isn't it? You will get through though. You are doing the right thing for this man, his family. But, most of all for you and your daughter (? sorry I don't know your back story). Take comfort from your own little family, give full attention to the present (enjoy what is left of the summer), we only ever have the here and now. Fill it with nice coffee, paint yours' and your daughter,s nails a bright colour, chuck all the rubbish out of that kitchen drawer that is driving you nuts. This pain too will pass x

dontsiss, hiya don't be sad, what's your story, or slant, do you want to share?

I am filling my head with other threads, it helps so much to look at other views and expereinces.

My fling ( nothing happened tho physically) in some ways just shows that people are emotional and sometimes really rubbish at getting to the crux of a problem, or situation. very very tangled up. I miss him, i really do, but it is a case of bad bad timing and a flawed situation.