He's unsure about having a child - I'm very sure

[caz61]

Hi All

Hope you could maybe share your experiences/advice with me. My DP has agreed to have a child - he is 51 and I am 41. Only thing is deep down I know he has never felt the urge for a child and is really only doing this for me. As he says (and I can quite understand this) without having the urge for kids, he won't know if he would like having them until is happens and then it would be too late to do anything about it....you know, no taking them back!!! He is pretty happy with his life now and I can see all of this weighing on him even if he doesn't say it. That said nearly everyone he meets says he would make a wonderful father and kids are naturally drawn to him - he is a lot of fun and a bit of a big kid himself. He never talks about it all and it is always me that has to bring up the subject, which I really find hard to do sometimes. I don't want to make him unhappy, but don't feel I can sacrifice the possibility of motherhood.

I know with my age I have significantly reduced chances and I am prepared for that (I think!).

I'd love to hear from anyone who could help. Just being a bit of a saddo all - sorry...it's just this was been on my mind for a while

caz61, slightly different situation in that my dp already had two kids from a failed marriage when we met, and did not want any more. When I feel pregnant with our sone he was very unhappy, to the point where he considered laving (I was hapy for him to do what he wanted, I was sure I wanted the baby with or without him). However, since ds has been born (nearly 8 months) he loves being a full time dad again, so much so that no 2 is on the way already.
I guess what I am saying is that you need to be sure that you would be okay with being on your own should your dp decide he doesn't like it when you do have one.

Good luck!

I don't know what's right for you Caz61. It's a complicated decision isn't it? Best wishes surfing accross the net to you.

Thanks Spikeycat and Marypoppins - your support is appreciated. I think deep down once (or if) it happens he will just get on with it. I don't think he's that keen on the pooey and sicky baby bit but will be better once they become their own little person.
I am prepared to go it alone it really hope that won't happen - we have a really strong relationship and really are the best of friends too. Fingers crossed then and thanks again

Just re age - I've just had baby number 2, at the age of 40. Friends have had babies - first timers - at 40 and 43. So yes, the chances may be lower but they may be not.

Got to get back to new baby now but will get back to you anon!

caz61 - This is a personal view and a view of my husband who i know at the moment is struggling with fatherhood. Sometimes being the life and soul of a party and kids always being drawn to you is not always enough to make fatherhood bearable. My husband sounds very like your partner but was 36 when we had our first child and whilst we both realised what a fundamental change to our lives it would make my husband is currently struggling big time with the tantrums, sleep disturbance etc. Because he waited until he was that bit older before having a child he has found it very difficult to adapt from the lifestyle he was accustomed to before kids and obviously being that much older he is that much higher up the career ladder which brings its own pressures. My advice is to make sure that your relationship is just so strong because you need to rely on each other totally for emotional and physical support and if you can't do this when things get tough (sometimes very tough) then it's easy for everything to fall apart. Parenthood is one of those things that would be great if you could test it out beforehand but you can't so i think you need to be extremely honest with each other and really think about whether your relationship and togetherness will stand the testing times. You don't want to end up resenting him for not having kids just as you don't want him to resent you for having them especially when there's a child involved....one of you may have to make a very difficult sacrifice.

Teletubby - thanks so much for your honest picture all of which I can see with my DP. Most of my friends say he will be fine once a baby arrives and paint a really rosy picture. I do have a cousin however who's husband became an alcoholic once the children were born and I often wonder whether that was part of the trigger - he left and has had no contact. I am really hoping that we end up in the right place and still together. There has never been a bigger compromise for one of us

Caz61 - My husband was Mr Family Man and loved the prospect of kids but really did find it so hard, especially the first 3 months when they really do do so little apart from cry, sleep and feed. What a hell of a decision one of you is going to have to make. My husband has seriously felt like leaving - as i said before, if we didn't have such a fabulous loving relationship then he probably would of - at that's Mr Family Man talking! If the worst scenario happened and you did have a child and he did leave would you be able to cope? would you feel complete with the child you've always wanted? not wishing to sound glum but if you picture the worst possible scenario could it perhaps help put things in perspective and help you really decide what is of the upmost importance to you. I feel for you i really do.

Go for it. I know I shouldn't say that, but if you really want a child you will always regret it if you don't try. Your dh will almost certainly fall in love with his child. If you have enough money, get help - eg nanny/au pair/maternity nurse etc etc to ease the burden on your relationship. Men don't usually (IMO) ever feel the 'urge' for a child, but that doesn't stop them loving them once they come. My dh never wanted a child before he had one with his ex partner. He worships her now, and also worships our son, and was VERY broody when I met him (hooray!). There is even scientific evidence that they pupils of childless women dilate when they see a picture of a baby (a sign of pleasure) but men's pupils only dilate once they have a child of their own. Also, something permanent happens to male hormones (human and animal) once they reproduce. It's designed to make them more caring. There's no point worrying in advance, however I do strongly advise you to discuss as much as possible about children in advance. What are your views on discipline, food, sharing sleepless nights and how you envisage your lives afterwards. The more you talk about it beforehand the easier it will be afterwards IMO. BTW 70% of 40 year olds are still fertile, but it does tail off pretty drastically after that, so go to it! Good luck.

Thanks Aloha - you really know all your nature facts!! I don't know about having a nanny or any paid help (yeah right - say that now) but we do have a big house so he could definately escape if he needed to and also I could maybe use this as a home/income source. He is freelance so his work takes him away so he wouldn't be here all the time. I did tell him once that all I needed from him was to get me pregnant and I would be the main one looking after the baby -but he did say he would want to be responsible which was a good sign and would like to be involved. I think all the ingredients are there apart from the fear factor and to be honest I sometimes fear it a litte bit too - not knowing what it will be like.

it is scary, I never forget seeing that positive blue line the first time and thinking " oh my god, no going back now" - but once your there you wouldn't want to anyway

spikeycat- haven't had the pleasure of the blue line yet!! Did think I was pg a couple of months ago and until I tested had a really floaty sensation I was so sure. It was lovely.... then tested neg and came on which burst my bubble - it was lovely while it lasted tho!!!

Yes, it is scary, but knowing what I do know about how much I love my ds and how wonderful he is, I go cold thinking about living my life without him. Last night he didn't sleep well (very rare, think he was having bad dreams) so I went into his room to sleep with him on a mattress on the floor. He put his little hands around my face and kissed me repeatedly. Then I didn't care what time it was or how tired I was. He is without doubt the best thing in my life. BUT my dh's help and support and co-parenting is essential. I would strongly recommend you talk to your dh about all aspects of parenting. Read books together (not about pregnancy, but about children) and think about the kind of parents you want to be. You and your dh sound very normal and great and I truly hope you get pregnant!

Hope I didn't sound negative! I meant that however sure you are its still a shock when you actually find out you are, however much you want to be.

Truely the best thing I have ever done in my life though, and I'm in the process of doing it again.

Hope to hear good news from you soon, and I agree with aloha on the different perspectives that men and women have with regards to wanting a bubba

This is such a dilema ...... I've posted before (Many times!) on this subject because I see it from the other side - my DH decided he really wanted us to have a child (after 10 years of being child free by choice - agreed before we married) - I did allow myself to be 'persuaded' to have a child but it has been very hard and in all honesty, I probably made the wrong decision - of course, I have to live with it now and put on a 'brave face' and only put my true feelings on mumsnet!

I think in fairness to a child BOTH parents must really want to become parents.

Of course, 'most' people do come round to the idea of having a child and really enjoy it .... hope things work out for you and sorry if this comes across as being negative, just being honest.

Lindy, as I recall your ds is 2. Like you I waited until it was nearly too late before starting a family. I now have a ds of 4 and a ds of 2 and the 2 yr old can be a little monster, but the 4 yr old is a lovely little boy. I'm hopeful that the 2 yr old will grow out of the terrible 2's and be as nice as his brother.(I do love him really, he's just such a handful)

What I'm trying to say is that I found the first couple of years hard going, but for me it gets better as they get older. Hang in there.

Thanks for that Iota ........... I'll let you know!

I still do think it's a huge issue though and one that you BOTH need to be 100% sure on.

Mind you, much as I love being a co-parent rathr than a single parent, and enjoy him much more because the work is shared, I have to say I would rather have my son and be single than be married, even happily, and always regret not having a child. In fact I think in my case the resentment would ruin the relationship anyway. The way I see it is that you can always get married again at 50 or even later, and be very happy but you can't have a baby at 50. Not suggesting anyone rushes into having a child, but I have to confess those are my real feelings.

My father was in his mid 40's when he had his kids - he wasn't bothered and only became a father because he knew it was important to my mum, and she was REALLY important to him.
He says now that it has been the most wonderful and incredible thing in his life (second to meeting my mum, maybe) - he has been in love with my brother and I since we were born and we are still an extremely close family - he is nearly 80 now, and is still the best father imaginable.
Good luck!

Caz61, why decide now at the age of 41 that you want a child. If you've never been maternal but suddenly decided that you want to 'get it in' before it is too late then you need to look at the consequences. Your partner will be drawing his pension when he still has children to support so any dreams of travelling the world or taking it easy will be out the window. You're already planning how he can escape from the child (ie big house and working away sometimes). Should you really be looking at how to ease his burden to console yourself with the upheaval it would cause him. I had children late (35 first child, 37 second and my partner is only a few years older than me). The thought that my dreams of travelling and living life more easily as I approach my pension years are gone and in retrospect I made the wrong decision in having children. It is more difficult to say that you dont want any children than to go ahead of have one.

I would be careful about saying you'll do all the looking after the baby and he can just provide the pregnancy. Just that it can be pretty hard work at times and that sort of division on top of no sleep leads to resentment pretty quickly.

Also it would be worth considering what you would do and how you would cope with a special needs child. They are doubly hard work and you really do need a strong relationship with both committed 100% to the child for the relationship to survive. I'm not saying this because of your ages, SN children can be born to anyone (I had on at 28). But if I was dealing with ds1 with an unsure husband I think we would be divorced by now. Either that or I would be shrivelling up with resentment.

On the other hand no-one knows how they will feel as a parent until it happens so you could find that having gone in without expectations so to speak he finds fatherhood wonderful.

Caz - I haven't read the whole thread but my situation before dd was very similar. DH always said he was prepared to ahve a child because he knew I wanted one - but he didn't 'want' one at all. Other people said he'd be fine ( on the grounds that he doted on the cat!!!) but every time I convinced myself that he did really want a kid deep down, I came down with a bump when his attitude during my pregnancy showed this wasn't the case.
I was 'on eggshells' to start with as I know how hard many men find it even when they think they DO want kids - so I really tried hard to do 'more than my fair share' - (and he let me!)but right from the start he gave every impression of loving her ( I wondered if it was an act for my benefit - see I really was paranoid!) and from her being a few months old it was blinding obvious that it was no act. He absolutely DOTES on her - and does a good wack of child care now ( she's 2) and I really did worry for no reason. Every situation is different - but I would say talk to him and find our what bits he's most ambivalent about ( dh was VERY worried about being made to get up in the night when he had to go to work the next day so we did a deal that I would do ALL the night time get ups ( tho now he does do a few) and in exchange I would keep our cleaner and ironer (9 hours a week so no little help!)when I was at home on mat leave - and still now when I work part time.
Good luck!

Trifle, how old are your 2 children now/

Hi Everyone - thanks for all your responses and such honesty. It's really good to hear your different/similar experiences and such balanced views. The reason for leaving it so long was ill-health and the medication I had to take could have resulted in birth deformities. Much better now and am advised by my doctors that now is the best time health-wise to try. I am definately going to talk to him more about it all and bring it out into the open more so I can guage his feeling. All your views are making me feel much more positive. Although I have offered to be the main child carer, I know in reality, he would not leave it all to me - he has had to do lots of things for me in the past when I have been ill.

He's back home soon so I will let you know how we get on!!

caz61. I would love to have a baby but my dp doesn't want to.He's got a boy from previous relationship,says he is happy with the one he can't understand the need I have and the love I want to give to my own baby.I've lost two babies Stillborn and early prem baby.Thought my partner didn't want another baby in case things went wrong again but I think that it's down to the sleepless nights as he always says this & Whenever I try to talk to him about having a baby he won't talk I know how you feel that longing for baby I've said the same to my dp all you have to do is to get me pregnant!. My dp is very much against having a baby this hurts me so much. Good luck and hope things turn out well for you.

Kittie - your post made me so sad. You must love your DP a great deal. So sorry to hear of your last two pgs. Your DP has a child already so any need he had has been fulfilled but yours hasn't.
Was he agreeable to trying before and changed his mind after your experiences?

I can really empathise and send you lots of love and hugs