Ex's girlfriend hates my son

[SickofEverything]

My ex has been with his girlfriend for around 7 years. She's a lot older than him (he's 30, she's 50) and she's intensly jealous, she HATES me and is sure I will run off with her precious lover as soon as I get the opportunity (I'd be more likely to turn lesbian).
My two sons go over and stay at their house once a fortnight but she has taken a massive dislike to my eldest son. She says he's moody, cocky, has a superiority complex, is a show off, is a nerd - you name it. Its basically that she's jealous of him IMO, he got into the secondary school she tried to get her own son into (and now tells him its a terrible school and he will get beaten up on his first day there because of his know-it-all attitude) and DS has the same grades as her son (who is 2 years older). DS1 is also VERY close to me which turns her against him even more.
Anyway her treatment of him as got steadily worse over the past few months. She takes his mobile off him so that he can't contact me, rips the piss out of him, tells him horror stories about secondary school and slags me off to him. He HATES going to his father's because of her.
But last week they all went camping. I assured DS it would be ok as it was a neutral setting etc. He reluctantly went and now I feel awfully guilty because she was a complete bitch to him all week.
She refused to let him take his phone so he couldn't contact me at all, she shoved a lollypop down his throat because she thought he'd laughed at her falling over (even though her own son was laughing but that was ok , around the campfire she made everyone sausages apart from DS because she "didn't realise" and she took the piss out of him on top of a mountain saying "shame mummy can't text you up here, isn't it?"

Anyway, after the lollypop incident, DS shouted at her "you're lucky I don't hit you back" and she retorted with "yeah, then I'd have you up in court"

WTF??? He's 11. How can you have such hatred for an 11 year old purely down to your own insecurities?? She refused to allow ex to let me know when they'd be back, he was ordered to ignore any texts from me whilst they were away.

DS doesn't want to go but I'm really worried that if I say he can't go, she'll talk ex into going to court for him. She has already been overheard trying to pursuade ex to go for full residency so they get the tax credits and child benefit etc.

I don't know what to do for the best. Ex is shit scared of her so even if I tell him, the message won't get to her.

Poor lad.
You need to seek professional, legal advice over this, she's a bully. In the mean time, allow your ex access but in a mutual and supervised place. Is there grandparents? Could you drop him off here so he can still see his father?
At 11 he's old enough to know and understand what he wants, I'd refuse to send him if he were my child.

It's child abuse, put simply. Sort out access with a solicitor, stop send your children into this environment with this bitch.

Don't worry about courts etc, just don't send him into that situation, he is 11, his opinions can be taken and used in a court if it got that far. Go see a solicitor or the CAB, who can help you find one and advise on costs/help etc.

What was the lollipop incident?

Did she actually force a lollipop into his mouth?

If so it is assault. I would simply report it to the police. Don't give her another chance, she needs to be dealt with firmly. They may not prosecute, but it will be on record that she is guilty of both emotional and physical abuse. Keep a diary of all these incidents so that if they attempt to take you to court for residence, it's obvious they are unfit. Also, don't worry - your DS is at an age where a court will listen to his preferences.

Yes I would refuse to send any child of mine into an abusive environment.

Put it all in writing. You wnat guarantees that this woman will no longer be allowed to abuse your children (she is also abusing your younger child by abusing his brother in his presence).

Poor lad, what a bitch she is.

I agree with the others, I would not send him. I would send his father an email outlining why you son doesn't want to go and would offer that he could see him on his own but I would definitely not send him to an environment where the bully/abusive gf is.

Does your ex not intervene? Is this man really standing by and watching this happen to his child?

My own DD is the same age as your DS, she is currently away with my ex and his gf and I would be distraught not to mention furious if she was treated in such a way. My ex, although a bit of a tosser, would not stand by and watch his daughter being abused by his gf.

your ex is a real coward for not standing up for his children in front of her.. how pathetic and spineless.

i agree that he should not have to spend time with her, he is old enough to choose. I would not send either child there, when she is a nasty and abusive woman who seems to thrive on humiliating your children

He's frightened of her and lets it continue for an easy life. DS said his dad walked away, in other words tried to escape from it so he didn't have to intervene.

I am going to start keeping a diary. She can do what she wants to me but I'm not having DS treated like this. Especially when his younger brother (DS2) is treated so much differently.

DS2 isn't as academic and is not as close to me so she obviously doesn't see him as much of a threat. I can't believe she's 50, she acts like a bloody 8 year old.

I wouldn't let him anywhere near that woman and I would tell your ex exactly why.

As for going to court, if it came to that, a judge would ask him where he'd prefer to live and your son would have the opportunity to say exactly why he doesn't want to live with her. I would say bring it on, actually - tell her you would love the chance to tell a judge what her behaviour is like.

I wouldn't send either of them to this evil cow. He's clearly got no balls, he shouldn't just walk off and allow her to do this.

My kids would not be going anywhere near this woman again.

She is abusing your child. In fact I would hard put not to go round and have it out with her with my sleeves rolled up and I generally do not advocate violence.

The thought of my ds (7) being treated like that when I was not around to protect him absolutely slays me. Your poor ds .

I too would be reporting the lollipop incident to the police and hell would freeze over before my kids went there again.

dmy dd wouldn't be there and I'd report her to SS

Ex would only see the dc away from her and their home

im afraid im with shimmery on this one! she WOULDNT LET your ex tell you when your children would be home!! who the buggery does she think she is?, if your ex hasnt the balls to stand up to her, its down to you, no fucking way would i allow some cunting old bitch to upset and bully my child like this (sorry for swearing but really!)

go round and tell her her fortune!!

I agree with the others, report her, it might come to nothing, but you at least then have a formal reason to keep your DCs away (and don't send the younger one without the older one, she'll just bully the younger on his own)

Can you offer your ex to see the DCs at yours or ex-PILs?

You can't force an 11 yo to see his dad if he doesn't want to - and horribly, this isn't the only case I've heard of where a father/son relationship has broken down because of the father's partner.

You need to think calmly and long and hard about this.

Firstly, do not worry about get your ex getting custody or your ex taking you to court etc etc

As far as children are concerned, courts like to maintain the status quo, and will not remove children from their home environment unless there are very serious reasons.

However, a court will also work with the assumptiont that access to both parents is the optimum solution. At 11 years old, your son's preferences may be taken into account, but they won't be the only consideration - or even the primary consideration. Courts believe it is good to maintain contact with a parent - and they have a long-standing relationship.

I appreciate you are upset, but the incidents you describe won't be seen as reasons to stop contact. Divorced parents often disagree about issues such as discipline, how parenting time should be spent, rules etc. The standing assumption is that in contact time your DH shoudl be able to choose how DS spends his time and parent him without intervention, except for a list of very specific things on which he would need to consult you (like agreeing non-urgent medical treatment, withdrawing your son from school etc).

Your real problem though is not the courts - courts are not good at resolving problems like these - they are always a last resort - and bloody expensive and stressful too...

Forget the courts...

Your DS will be happiest if he has a good relationship with his Dad. Why don't you see what you can do to help that along instead.

Can you not meet his Dad away from your DCs - explain that you're worried that DS is unhappy. Listen to his side - don't accuse his GF - it won't help! See if you can agree some practical things to help the situation..
For example - he can call you once a day at 6pm when he is with Dad - or maybe Dad could spend some time alone with DS - you get the gist...

Hope you manage to sort things out. Have you tried the legal MN board - there used to be some good posters there with a lot of expertise?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters

This is the Board I mean.
Try asking STIDW - she is a very sensible lady with a lot of legal knowledge.

If he does continue to spend time with them I would advise keeping a diary of events, as they happen, and also that you make a record now of all that has happened so far.

I am really sorry for you and your ds

I can't believe you continue to send your child there. He clearly doesn't want to go as he is being abused.
Stuff worrying about the courts, they will see straight through her. You need to stop your child going NOW before that bitch scars him for life.

Good luck.

So sorry to hear this is happening to your son and that you are in fear of being able to do what's best for him. Could I suggest telephoning the NSPCC helpline for their advice too?

Also, if you Google domestic abuse helpline for men, there are a couple of good organisations. Could you try encouraging your ex to call one of these lines so that he can get some strategies for standing up to her/courage to leave her.

"Your real problem though is not the courts - courts are not good at resolving problems like these - they are always a last resort - and bloody expensive and stressful too...

Forget the courts..."

She's not thinking of going to court SS. Her ex is threatening this, not her.

She doesn't need to be frightened of the courts, her ex does - he is allowing the abuse of his child in his household.

Seriously, I would report this assault to the police. It is totally unacceptable to treat a child like this.

Meant to say, disagreements about discipline and abuse, are just not the same thing and most courts do accept that.

I agree that this is not a disciplinary matter. There is no grey areas here. She has crossed a line and is systematically subjecting your son to a stream of torment and this in my eyes equates to abuse.

I think contacting the NSPCC is an excellent idea. Ask them to help you when it comes to discussing the issue with your ex. In the meantime please keep both children away from her. Tell your husband you are more than happy for him to see the children, as you wouldn't dream of them losing contact with him. Unfortunately for now, until the matter is resolved, he will have to see them on neutral ground.

There is nothing worse than continual undermining of a child, especially one about to enter secondary school. This must be stopped.

Have you got all this going on in addition to your DP wanting you to leave, as per your other threads?

You poor woman.

You do need to talk to professionals about this. Have you thought of going to the CAB? The NSPCC seems a good call too.

I appreciate that tempers are high, but there's no way a court is going to take these sorts of accusations seriously and stop contact.

Taking your child's mobile away from them is not abuse. Not cooking them sausages is not abuse. Telling them the big school will be hard work etc. is not a abuse.

I can't really work out what happened with the lollipop, but tbh, unless she actually assaulted him, there is little point in reporting it to SS, police etc.

Children deserve a relationship with both parents. That's the point. I think the two parents need to sit down and talk, and work out how they achieve that for their son.