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Original poster

My brother

50 replies

SirBoobAlot · 13/08/2010 19:52

My brother is six years younger than me. And I truly think I hate him.

He is endlessly nasty to me; today he has called me a "slut" and a "tart" because I had DS young, the the past week he has called me a "retard", a "cripple" and a "spastic" because I use a walking stick and get brain fog. He kicks my stick out when I'm walking with it, and moves it out of my reach when I'm sat down.

When I was in the psychiatric hospital, his only concerns were firstly that no one found out he had a "fucking nutjob" for a sister, and secondly asking when I was getting locked in for good as he wanted my bedroom.

When I was pregnant he tried to trip me up regularly, and actually said to me, "I hope you loose the baby". I tried to sit down with him and discuss it with him properly, to see what his worries were about it. The most serious reason was "I don't want to turn my Play Station down".

Every time I have a flare up in my conditions, its always a case of, "Oh were you not getting enough attention last week?" and "For fuck sake are you still pretending to be ill?". Whenever I have a friend round, he complains, and yet he regularly has people staying and over during the day, and if I dare even ask them to keep the noise down whilst I'm getting DS to sleep, I get a mouthful of abuse, and then lots of slamming doors and music turned up full volume to deliberately disrupt DS. If I ask (again) for him to stop whilst I get DS to sleep he says, "If you don't like it, fuck off to live somewhere else. No one wants you here anyway".

I try very hard to remember that he is 13, and to make exceptions for his behaviour, but I have ended up in tears so many times recently that I'm sick of it.

Is this just him being his age, and will he get better as he's older? Its getting to the point where I don't even want a relationship with him. But at the same time I know that would be very sad.

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 13/08/2010 19:57

Are you living at home? If so your parents should be dealing with this. very severely! If nit then just don't see him

atswimtwolengths · 13/08/2010 19:57

What a horrible situation.

You live with him? Who else is there and what do they have to say about it?

LynetteScavo · 13/08/2010 19:58

So are you both still living with your parents?

I think your parents need to have a very serious word with him.

His age is no excuse for such hideous behaviour!

He may feel jealous, yes, be still it's no excuse. What is he like at school? Have your parents considered taking him to a psychologist?

atswimtwolengths · 13/08/2010 19:59

How old are you and how old is your son?

emmyloulou · 13/08/2010 20:00

13 Shock what the hell is he going to be like when he is older, what a nasty little shit.

What are your parents doing about it?

CaptainKirksNipples · 13/08/2010 20:03

Did I read that properly, he is 13? I think you need to cut him some slack tbh. At 13 my siblings and I were kicking shit out of each other so it could be worse!

dogfish · 13/08/2010 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

atswimtwolengths · 13/08/2010 20:07

It's hard to tell whether he's suffering from hormone-related anger issues or whether he's just a vile person. What was he like before he was in his teens? How was his relationship with you?

LittleMissHissyFit · 13/08/2010 20:15

Argh, my guess is hormones.... tough for you sirboob, hope he packs it in soon!

gingerkirsty · 13/08/2010 20:22

I read another of your threads about him and his mate being noisy the other day :(

I gather you both live with your parents, if so they really do need to have a serious word with him.

On another topic, being v nosy I have looked at your profile and your DS is absolutely gorgeous! You look lovely too. Try to remember this situation won't be forever.

JaneS · 13/08/2010 20:31

If his behaviour is as you say (I don't doubt it is, I'm just shocked), then it's not normal. It's malicious and unpleasant.

Is there any way you can move out, or at least go through the motions of investigating moving out? I guess it's tricky for your parents disciplining your brother when it's another adult (you) that he's attacking. But he doesn't sound normal to me. I have two brothers and had my fair share of bitter feuds, physical fights and so on.

Dione · 13/08/2010 20:32

This is something that your parents need to deal with. Not you. Just remember, he is only 13, at the moment his testoserone is surging and it does lead to impulsive and sometimes violent behaviour. It will settle down. In the meantime, speak to your parents.

ItsGraceActually · 13/08/2010 20:33

I don't believe a 13-year-old can be "a vile person" but he can be disturbed, distressed or ill. On the one hand, lots of 13-year-olds can be repulsive and he may simply (sorry, not simple for you!) be acting out some jealousy against you and your baby. Was he the baby of the family before DS came along?

On the other hand, traumatic events or a psychological/behavioural disorder could have tipped him over the edge. He's young enough to recover healthily from such a thing, but he'd need proper help.

He's bullying you and no wonder you're upset. You really shouldn't be having to deal with this. What's he like with your parents, and with his friends? Is his school attendance OK normally? Although this is ver hard for you, please try not to label him a horrible person, as labels like that can damage a person's future. His behaviour is well out of order though :(

JaneS · 13/08/2010 20:34

(pressed send too soon - I'm stupid)

You say you're worried about breaking up your relationship with your brother. But he is 13 and you are (I guess?) 19. You have loads of time to take a year or five off, while you wait for him to grow up, and you'll still be there for each other when you're older. It may be that when he's grown up and left the family home, he'll come round. But at the moment, he is damaging your wellbeing and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

CaptainKirksNipples · 13/08/2010 20:43

I am quite surprised by some of the responses here, do none of you remember how vile you were at 13 to your family? I was awful!

My favourite phrase was "Die in a fire!" instead of goodbye. Usually said in a very chirpy sing song voice so parents didn't hear Grin. sounds a bit like "back in an hour"

I would probably respond with an equally childish "takes one to know one" or "so's your face" (fab line from Scrubs).

Or really rip into him about how you are the favourite (I still do this Blush but do love them and they come to me with any problems and I'll help)

Poshwellies · 13/08/2010 20:44

Agree with Dione.

he could actually be very jealous of the attention your and your dc are getting from your parents.

He is only 13.

Poshwellies · 13/08/2010 20:45

I'd be more worried if you said your brother was 31.

Original poster
SirBoobAlot · 13/08/2010 20:51

I'm nineteen, DS is nine months. I have been trying to leave home for a while now, but so far no joy with housing.

My parents do tell him off when they hear him - the rest of the time he tells them I'm lying, and suggests I might need to start on my medication again seeing as I must be hallucinating Angry My mum normally grounds him, but he either goes out anyway, or she changes her mind. My dad just shouts.

When he was younger we got on reasonably well. Normal sibling stuff, but generally we looked out for each other. Its been the past few years, but especially the past few months, that he's been a nightmare. I wondered whether it might have been a twisted jealousy from when I fell ill - wasn't able to do much for myself, had to crawl around to move, then use a stick and wheelchair - but actually when I was first in my chair, he was quite helpful, and tended to get annoyed if anyone else started pushing me but him. I made a real effort whilst I was pregnant to make sure he knew that he was still my little brother, and that I loved him, and having DS wouldn't change that.

Thing is, he does have his moments when he's very sweet - they're rare, but the fact they do happen confuses me as to why he's so vile even more. I thought about going out for cake with just him and me to try and sort everything out, but the fact that recently he's been worse than ever, even in private, so I know he's not just showing off to his mates, puts me off.

He has woken DS up once so far tonight, but thankfully him and his mate have gone out to the park, so hopefully he won't do it again for a while.

I have tried talking to my parents about it, and about how much he is upsetting me, and disrupting DS, but all they seem to say in response is "You're the older one, you need to ignore it", which I am trying very hard to do. But some of the things he's saying to me really are cutting deep and making it very hard to function in this environment.

School wise - he is kind of on the edge of the cool gang. He's never been very academic, and does the bare minimum to get by. But the school reports are always very good, and the teachers are always full of praise. He has a good social circle.

Gingerkirsty - aw thank you :) He's a very cheeky little guy!

OP posts:
JaneS · 13/08/2010 21:10

Um, when I was 13 I was vile, but it was also made clear to me it wasn't acceptable! I can't remember ever being sustainedly nasty to my siblings like this, nor was anyone I knew.

SirBoob, you can't just ignore it. You're an adult with a small child. If your brother were 7, I'd understand, but he's not. It's completely reasonable to be upset and angry (and btw, where the heck does he get off with the comments on you being a 'young mother' if you're 19? You were way over legal age when you had your child, does he not understand that?!)

Hulababy · 13/08/2010 21:18

Sorry, but his excuse is absolutely no excuse for behaving so badly.

If he is allowed to get away with this kind of behaviour, then he may very well turn out to be a very unpleasant man in the future.

I wouldn't expect my 8y to behave like this, let alone a 13yo.

Your parents need to sort his behaviour out asap. He needs discipline and consequences, and he needs it to be consistent.

Hulababy · 13/08/2010 21:21

You do not need to ignore a 13y boy who is physically trying to hut you - tripping you up, kicking your walking stick, tripping you when pregnant - and who is being thoroughly nasty. Your parents must not ignore him. they are doing him absolutely no favours whatsoever.

Original poster
SirBoobAlot · 13/08/2010 21:47

There's nothing I can do about my parents parenting choices. Its a delicate balance us both parenting under the same roof as it is! But I do agree with what has been said - he's like a toddler; he knows if he keeps nagging the answer will change.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 13/08/2010 21:48

I don't suppose there is anywhere else you can stay, at least for a while?

marriednotdead · 13/08/2010 22:01

Sorry but he sounds utterly awful and your parents have to take a stand on your behalf.

I have 2 13yo boys at home and although they can be a PITA, they are not spiteful or verbally/physically agressive and I would be beyond furious if they were in such circumstances.

FWIW, he does sound jealous though. Is family counselling an option?

ClimberChick · 14/08/2010 02:58

He does sound awful, but also upset and lashing out.

Obviously I'm no expert, but I feel like he needs some intervention, but tbh if your parents aren't prepared to acknowledge the extent of the problem and do something then there's not much you can do. Maybe research some options, present them to you parents and if something horrible enough happens to make them realise, resources are there for them to use.

I guess you just want a nice relationship with your brother. Maybe treat him like a toddler "now, I know your frustrated/insert feeling, but its not fair/right to...) Iterate that you love him and give him his space and just hope in years to come he'll reach back out to you.

Have you tried some 1on1 time, where the three of you go out, even for a walk, given him responsibility for say some part of you DS to remind him he's still part of your family (nappy change/dressed).

Gosh I sound so preachy, but just trying to think of constructive things. I know its hard to watch a family member go down a destructive route and its hard knowing you will have to wait. Hopefully if you get some housing things will improve. He sounds very jealous of all the 'attention' you receive, and probably your parents aren't tackling issues as effectively because they feel guilty about this.

ps agree your DS is just lovely

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