My brother

[SirBoobAlot]

My brother is six years younger than me. And I truly think I hate him.

He is endlessly nasty to me; today he has called me a "slut" and a "tart" because I had DS young, the the past week he has called me a "retard", a "cripple" and a "spastic" because I use a walking stick and get brain fog. He kicks my stick out when I'm walking with it, and moves it out of my reach when I'm sat down.

When I was in the psychiatric hospital, his only concerns were firstly that no one found out he had a "fucking nutjob" for a sister, and secondly asking when I was getting locked in for good as he wanted my bedroom.

When I was pregnant he tried to trip me up regularly, and actually said to me, "I hope you loose the baby". I tried to sit down with him and discuss it with him properly, to see what his worries were about it. The most serious reason was "I don't want to turn my Play Station down".

Every time I have a flare up in my conditions, its always a case of, "Oh were you not getting enough attention last week?" and "For fuck sake are you still pretending to be ill?". Whenever I have a friend round, he complains, and yet he regularly has people staying and over during the day, and if I dare even ask them to keep the noise down whilst I'm getting DS to sleep, I get a mouthful of abuse, and then lots of slamming doors and music turned up full volume to deliberately disrupt DS. If I ask (again) for him to stop whilst I get DS to sleep he says, "If you don't like it, fuck off to live somewhere else. No one wants you here anyway".

I try very hard to remember that he is 13, and to make exceptions for his behaviour, but I have ended up in tears so many times recently that I'm sick of it.

Is this just him being his age, and will he get better as he's older? Its getting to the point where I don't even want a relationship with him. But at the same time I know that would be very sad.

Boobs, probably a silly question that I should know the answer too but can you not stay with DP for a bit? Just to get a bit of breathing space?

Brothers at that age can be utterly unspeakable - I fell out with mine around then and never got back on good terms with him - now we don't speak at all, although to be fair his ex-bint has a lot to do with that.

He may get a lot of stick about it at school, he might be jealous of all the attention he perceives you to be getting or he might just be a little turd - in any case, his behaviour is unacceptable and your parents should be taking a tougher stance - but since they aren't I guess it becomes down to you to change the dynamic, and the best way is of course to remove yourself and your DS from the situation asap. I know you're having problems with getting separate housing - can you get a guarantor for your rent, that might help get you started?

In the meantime just resort to "lalalalala" every time he speaks to you to block out the poison.

Oh boobs I am sorry your brother is such a vile twat, I have a 14 year old son (as you know) and no way on Gods green earth would he get to behave like that. I think you need to explain to your parents how much it is effecting you and Colin, but you are a better person then me because I would have decked the little shit by now 13 or not.

I think you need to keep pushing for your own home away from all of them, is there no way you can move in with DP?

I think you have made too many allowances for him. He's turning into the sort of person no one likes.

I have been calling estate agents / landlords for the last month almost endlessly, only to be told "We don't accept HB"

Am at DPs for the weekend so hopefully will give me time to regroup.

Thank you for listening to me complain. Think I'm going to have to have another word with him, and with my family.

Aww Boob, wish I had some magic advice to give, sounds like an awfully difficult situation for you to be in.

I have had a nosy at your profile and your ds i gooooooooorgeous, I had no idea how young you are, I thought you were an old fart like me older.

Any chance of going with a housing association?

Sweetheart, you don't have to put up with this. I think you are right, you should have another bash at talking to your family, brother included, and if you get no real joy from that, push hard to get out of the house. If needs be, ask your parents to write to the council and say they want you to leave. I would never normally say that because I detest people jumping the housing register, but you're in a pretty desperate situation here by the sounds of things, and you need to do something for the sake of your DS (if your brother is already hurting you, how long before he picks on your baby too?). I see others have asked you this, but is there a reason you can't live with your DP, because it seems like anything would be better than with your brother.

Btw, I took a look at your pics, your DS is absolutely gorgeous! :)

DH owns a house that he rents to HB tenant using this website . They are Notts based, but I'm sure there are similar agencies across the country, which link up private landlords and HB tenants.
We specifically wanted a HB tenant because I have been in council accommodation before and know how much it means to have the option of private.
Where in the country are you? I'll have a search if you like. :)

ps your brother sounds like a little tosser. 13 is not a good enough excuse.

Yes I'll second that, it might be an idea for your parents to "evict" you, as you really can't let your baby be affected by this much longer. If they do, you will be given priority for housing. I agree, I wouldn't usually condone that either but it does sound like an awful situation that you need to get out of fast.

loopy, I think the lovely lady and her lovely boy live in Brighton, according to the profile page :).

Hmm right now I can't find exactly that kind of agency but apparently this agency take HB with guarantor and here are a few . Sorry to not be of more help. :(

some more

... and more

Thank you, you lovely bunch :) Am at DPs for the weekend, and my brother has surprised me - a lot - by writing on my FB wall quite nicely, and changing his profile picture to one of him holding DS. Am hoping that means either A) he is feeling very guilty, or B) my mum has given him a bollocking.

Loopy thank you for the links, that's really very kind of you :) Am also glad to hear you DH rents to HB users - gives me a bit of hope after being turned down time and time again!

Nemo I shall take that as a compliment

SugarMouse, thank you - I shall check Zoopla, never heard of that one before.

And thank you for all the praise about DS

The thing is, my parents have said they can't keep me there much longer, and actually the amount of money they're asking me for, it would be cheaper for me living elsewhere! But when I spoke to the council I was told that the only place they could put me was a B&B room an hour away. And that even that would take six months.

Living with DP is not an option currently simply because of the size of his flat. We stay at weekend, but its a very small one bed. We are in the process of looking into getting somewhere together, but it won't happen for a while.

If you ask your parents to formally evict you, I think the Council have a duty to rehouse you much quicker than 6m down the line. I know my sis had to do this to get her MIL out of her house (looooong story as to why she was there in the first place) and they rehoused her a few miles down the road.

Might be worth a chat with CAB if you haven't already..

The council have warned me that if I was made homeless (they have obviously had a lot of recent cases of this) then the only place they would be able to put me would be a mother and baby unit or a B&B even further away than the one they mentioned before. So not really an option.

I do want to - really want to - get out of here, as my mum and I are clashing more and more over parenting issues as well; I don't like the way DB speaks to people, especially me, in front of DS, and she refuses to tell him off because "everyone's a little shit at 13, he'll grow out of it soon enough", which is really helpful .

Tonight (we're back home) DB wanted to give DS his pudding, and was making a big fuss over him. He's a confusing lad.

Boobs :(

If DB continues though, surely being cramped in DPs tiny flat but not getting bullied is better?

Because that's what it seems like he's doing to me.

I don't know how Homemove works, but will have a better look, thank you. I'm glad your friend is settled somewhere nice, SugarMouse. I can just imagine how lovely that must be.

Flisspaps - it really is so small. We've discussed it once before for different reasons and decided its not practical. If for no other reason than we would drive each other round the twist because we would be constantly treading on each others toes. Ideally I'd much rather be with DP anyway, so we could be a family, but where he is at the moment it just isn't best. On top of that it is a third floor flat, so it would make life bloody difficult for me physically.

He just popped in to kiss DS goodnight, which is very out of character for him. Am in two minds about his behaviour at the moment, mainly along the tune to both opinions on this thread; firstly that he's being a little bugger, and he is bullying; secondly that he is 13 and he has been uprooted by DSs arrival and my illness. I don't know where to draw the line for his behaviour either way though.

Do family politics get easier to negotiate once you leave home?!

family politics to some degree get easier because your removing yourself from the situation. However, the primary motivation for you move is for yours and DS mental well being.

Also regardless of your DB motivation behind his behaviour, the line needs to be drawn under anything that is inappropiate, even if you understand its origins.

Like others have said, DPs may be beneficial, don't underestimate the effects of hostile environments on LOs (unfortunately speak from experience)

SirBoob, this is not normal 13 year old behaviour, testosterone or not. It is the behaviour of a 13 year old with some sort of emotional disorder. Your parents are dropping the ball here and need to set strict limits on his behaviour. If they don't they will regret it as he grows older because when you leave he will turn on them most likely. It seems to me that he rules the roost.

I agree with Needafootmassage that you need to go to an outside agency for help here. Do you have any kind of contact with a social worker from your mental health treatment or as a result of your health problems or having the baby? I like the idea of the GP too.

This may seem like an OTT suggestion, but have you considered Women's Aid? If this was someone older treating you like this it would be called domestic abuse. And I'm not so sure it's not domestic abuse as things stand. You and your baby are vulnerable here, and your parents are not doing anything to protect you or assert their authority in the home you all share.

Or could your DP play a role of some sort here? Could he tell your brother to leave DP's son alone and start treating you with respect? Right now you seem to have no-one willing to speak up for you; maybe your family needs someone in the role of the whipping boy, or maybe your parents are just wusses, but maybe if your DP seemed to respect and care about you you wouldn't seem like the lowest being on the pecking order.