In-laws party, am I wrong not to go?

[anonsoidontgetrumbled]

Our 4 month old baby gets massively unsettled if we take him on long journeys or to stay away resulting in real trouble breastfeeding for about a week afterwards - we found this out after two weekends away to stay with our families. As a result our baby's weight gain has been pretty poor for the last month.

DH's uncle is going out for a birthday meal tomorrow night, two hrs drive away, starts at 6.30. I am the only one who can drive DH, DS & I over there.

I've said it'll be unfair on DS to take him, it'll screw up all his afternoon/evening feeds and his bed time just when he's getting back on ttrack again. Never mind the feeds for a few days afterwards. The weight gain thing is important to me because DS was very low birthweight and is still a tiny baby, still on 0.4th centile - I desperately don't want him to drop below this, he's only had minimal weight gain for the past month.

I don't think not going is a particularly big deal, my priority is DS's wellbeing but anyway DH got pissed off and has decided he is going by himself and staying over.

Would anyone else be slightly peeved by this?

I know this isnt in the same league as the other threads on here but although I feel justified in not wanting to go I'm not sure whether that's just in my exhausted post-natal mind and that actually maybe I'm being unreasonable in not driving us there, and also feeling disappointed that if I don't, DH wants to go without us. He's going to have to book a train and get taxis as he still can't drive (a whole other can of worms). I know not having DH around overnight will unsettle DS - it has before.

In my sleep deprived, milked-dry state I can't tell if I'm being petty

well, if he's (DH) happy to pay for public transport and stay over I think that's quite good. So long as you have the finances to fund his train/bus ticket etc then I think him going on his own is the best solution.

ps DS won't feed in the car without real difficulty, and only for about 5 mins max and we've tried on a few occasions to get him to take milk from a bottle but he won't. I'm pretty sure I'm in the right about this!

Yes - I would feel the same way as you and want to stay home with DS for sure to optimize feeding.

If it is an important milestone birthday then I could understand DH going for a bit to show his face.. but would want him to come home again. If a more run of the mill birthday then I would hope he could decline and suggest something else - eg the uncle could come over to your neck of the woods and him and DH go out for lunch one day or something (or you all go if you are feeling up to it)

I don't think you are being petty.

Thank you, DF and sleeping lady - I will stick to my guns and stay home with DS. It is a milestone birthday so can understand DH wanting to go on his own.

Is it quite normal for babies to get so unsettled by a weekend away? This is our first

You are not in the wrong for finding it all too difficult and problematic and for not wanting to go.

Maybe you shouldn't object to him going though - it's not as if its a blokey piss-up or something - its a family do.

But I amazed that your 4 month is unsettled ny your DH not being there overnight - does he really notice? I would have thought he was too young to notice anything except your boobs absence.

If you feel like you need his support in the night, then no, YANBU to expect him to miss his uncle's birthday to stay and help with the baby. And YANBU about not wanting to take your baby to an evening do, a routine is important for your sanity!

ooops, posted before I'd finished... DH is pissed off that the baby will stop us going places. I'm sure this can't be unusual though and it's only whilst he's so tiny

I'm rubbish at this , cross posted again! Thank you grumble and msboogie for your reassurance

Errrmmm.... if you think taking a 4 month old baby out is hard work, wait until he starts moving...

I hate to say this, but I wonder if you're reading too much into this. Is your child really disturbed by your husband's absence, if you are there with him? Is he really so upset about journeys that he won't eat? He's such a young baby, I wouldn't have thought he could actually process any of that.

I do know how upsetting it is when a child doesn't feed and my child, too, was very small, but I think your cause and effect might be a bit skewed.

But in any case, if your husband wants to go and you don't, and if you can afford for hotels and taxis etc, then what's the problem?

To be quite honest I think you are being way too pfb about this.

On the other hand I wouldn't do a 2 hour drive for a meal without staying over anyway.

I can see why you would stay at home, but there is no reason why DH can't go-it is pfb to say that he will be unsettled without DH in the house.

I can fully understand why you don't want to go and think your reasons are justified. But I don't see why you have a problem with your DH going. You can't expect him never to go away anywhere just in case it unsettles your DS.

Is it that it unsettles your DS when your DH isn't there, or it unsettles you ?? I'd be very surprised if your DS can tell when your DH is or isn't around .. unless your DH gets up every time you feed ??? Let your DH attend and you can stay home and try and catch up on sleep with your DS.

I wasn't expecting him not to go, I certainly wouldn't tell him not to! I have never had any expectation that he should never go anywhere in case it unsettles DS - he often has nights out with his friends, no problem at all.

DH has only stayed out once fully overnight since DS was born (he's never been one for staying out anyway so that isn't unusual) and the baby had one of his few colicky nights then so both DH and I chatted about it and thought it might be because he could sense DH wasn't in. The baby certainly wasn't 'disturbed' by his dad being out! Maybe I shouldn't have added that bit in to my OP

DS really won't feed when he's in the car or staying over, really! He does seem very alert so I'm certain he's aware of being in a different place etc.

It's no problem taking him out locally to do different things during the day, it's just when it involes a long journey - he really does seem very sensitive to it.

I think I have unwittingly made myself sound completely neurotic!

This is going to sound harsh, but here we are.

I think you sound quite controlling, and yes I understand about having a baby that doesn't gain weight, trust me I do. I think it is you that is bothered by the change in routine though, and you are communicating that to your child.
You need to try and relax and learn to be flexible with routines and so forth, otherwise you will drive yourself mad.

I wouldn't drive that far and stay without having a hotel booked, but if your DH is going to have to book one then you may as well all go?

• won't feed - I mean won't feed properly - i.e. he feeds five minutes tops then fusses and cries until he falls asleep

I agree that the OP is probably transferring her own concerns onto the baby (sorry OP, you might want to keep an eye on that, as I said above, its unlikely that a 4 month old breastfed baby would be too bothered about where his daddy is overnight, but if you were anxious he might pick up on that )

but at the same time she isn't being unreasonable in not wanting to go and finding it too much of a faff. If she is unsettled by it, which in turn makes the baby unsettled, then maybe best not go.

It's a bit telling that your DH is complaining about the baby stopping you going places - a baby will really only impede your getting out and about as much as you allow it to.

YANBU to not go to the party. I would probably be the same. DH going on his own sounds reasonable. Not having him around might unsettle you but DS will be fine.

Ali, I can see how I've probably made it sound like that - I should maybe have given even more background in my OP.

It is me that is the patient and calm one in our house, DH is quick to anger and has zero patience on the other hand. We'd planned to do loads of stuff with the baby over the summer - my company car with free fuel for the entire duration of my maternity leave is sitting outside on the driveway, I was really chuffed about having such an amazing maternity package and was excited about visiting places with DS.

I couldn't wait to get out and about to do stuff, we'd made a list of places we wanted to go and the hotels we'd stay in, I'd even splashed out on a new camera with my final pay packet to take with us to all these plaeces. Unfortunately it isn't working out like that but I don't begrudge the baby for it and I'm certain he isn't picking up on any feelings that could be unsettling him - I just don't get like that, I was brought up in a very calm family and I'm the same.

Is my baby really that unusual that he unsettles like this? I started to think idinitially expected too much .I might ask on one of the other topics, I'm going to baby clinic on Monday so will ask the HV there.

I am infinitely flexible about his 'routine' during the day but I do like to try to keep to the timings of his bedtime - as long as I can give him his bedtime feed around 6.30-7pm so he can be in bed and have a story and lullabye at around 8pm. I don't think that's being controlling is it? Or maybe it is, I'm not sure now.

you don't sound controlling. God, having yuor first baby is very, very hard work and puts a massive strain on a couple. It shows in different ways.

You are doing fine OP - just do what you need to get by and don't put pressure on yourself. There's no rights and wrongs in all this.

You really need to relax.

I would say that yes, it is unusual to have a baby that gets so unsettled. I took DS everywhere at that age, round France for a week with my Dad staying in different places every couple of nights, we went on a family holiday and trotted around the country seeing various friends and family and having them to visit. DS wasn't peculiar in how adaptable he was as far as I can gather from speaking to friends.

Did you have a couple of bad days/trips out where it all went pear-shaped? Because those do happen and you just have to grit your teeth a bit and carry on. I think unfortunately the less you attempt the more inflexible your DS will become - out of the ordinary will be even more out of the ordinary if that makes sense?

The only baby I know of who was really unsettled like this had terrible reflux and had to be held upright all the time, so going anywhere in the car became horrendous because she would just scream and scream. It doesn't sound as if your DS has any medical problems though?

He spent his first couple of weeks in intensive care for being so tiny (despite being full term), they thought something might be wrong with him so he spent his his time there being stuck with needles, pumped full of antibiotics and having scans. Turned out there was nothing actually wrong with him, he was just small and quiet. They said he wouldn't have any awareness/recollection of any of that and it would have no effect on him, but maybe it has.

He did have reflux too until about 10 weeks and it just stopped overnight.

In the really early days it was much easier to travel with him - he really wasn't aware of much except for where I was.

I see what you mean about persevering. I will mull it over a little longer