In-laws party, am I wrong not to go?

[anonsoidontgetrumbled]

Our 4 month old baby gets massively unsettled if we take him on long journeys or to stay away resulting in real trouble breastfeeding for about a week afterwards - we found this out after two weekends away to stay with our families. As a result our baby's weight gain has been pretty poor for the last month.

DH's uncle is going out for a birthday meal tomorrow night, two hrs drive away, starts at 6.30. I am the only one who can drive DH, DS & I over there.

I've said it'll be unfair on DS to take him, it'll screw up all his afternoon/evening feeds and his bed time just when he's getting back on ttrack again. Never mind the feeds for a few days afterwards. The weight gain thing is important to me because DS was very low birthweight and is still a tiny baby, still on 0.4th centile - I desperately don't want him to drop below this, he's only had minimal weight gain for the past month.

I don't think not going is a particularly big deal, my priority is DS's wellbeing but anyway DH got pissed off and has decided he is going by himself and staying over.

Would anyone else be slightly peeved by this?

I know this isnt in the same league as the other threads on here but although I feel justified in not wanting to go I'm not sure whether that's just in my exhausted post-natal mind and that actually maybe I'm being unreasonable in not driving us there, and also feeling disappointed that if I don't, DH wants to go without us. He's going to have to book a train and get taxis as he still can't drive (a whole other can of worms). I know not having DH around overnight will unsettle DS - it has before.

In my sleep deprived, milked-dry state I can't tell if I'm being petty

Some people are more relaxed, and just take their baby wherever they go, and they sleep in the pram. We got out and about a lot after a while. But at first I was so obsessed with a routine, I didn't do that. Once a routine was established (full night's sleep....!) I was terrified to do anything that would disrupt it!

But once mine were in a routine, they would sleep anywhere, so from about 6 month, we did take them out in their pram for dinner, and they just slept through. But 4 months is a difficult time - they may still be feeding at night, unpredictable, and the fatigue from disrupted sleep for so long can be at its worst then.

You are close to a turning point - once you get him sleeping and feeding more predictably, you will be able to get out and about. But however you feel, don't beat yourself up about it. Having your first baby is hard.

And unless you have a 4 month old baby yourself, it is easy to forget that dog-tired feeling! Plenty of time for relaxed outings over the next few months

Go with what suits you - an unsettled baby means an unsettled mummy etc.

My ds was also low birth weight and I really struggled with breast feeding and I wanted to be at home (the only place I could actually feed was on the bed) and I did find it stressful when other people expected non essential stuff from me. But people will invite you to things. DS wouldn't settle at all if there were lots of things going on around him and if I couldnb't feed him on demand it caused issues and that meant for me being out and about was difficult for a while. No reflux through.

I think it's OK for your dh to stay over - it will be good for all of you.

Any chance of your dh learning to drive? It also sounds like there are other issues but remember that the reality of having a baby is nothing like you imagine and all good intentions often go out of the window.

I hope it also settles down soon for you all.

I think it is a bit unusual to have a baby that is not feeding properly for a week after a weekend away.

It is fine if you don't want to go, and I personally can't see any issue with DH going.

DS2 is 4 months and really couldn't give a fuck where DH is as long as my boobs are around. To be fair he isn't that fussed about me either if I leave milk, it is the milk that is key for him.

Weirdly he does seem to notice if DS1 isn't about.

You need to chill a bit, tell DH to have a great time and you will see him when he gets back.

My baby spent 10 days in SCBU for being too small at term (IUGR supposedly) with associated ivs, blood tests etc. She was always 0.4th centile and sometimes off the chart. At 3yrs old she's still small but I don't stress about it now.

I think people who haven't had this experience can underestimate how it shakes your confidence in being a mother. I had a lovely normal pregnancy and birth and then suddenly she was whisked away to SCBU. Also people even strangers in the street comment all the time on how small your baby is which feels even more undermining. It set off for me all kinds of worries- had I not taken care of her in the pregnancy? Was I still letting her down now?

It led to me being very unsure of myself and it would have been unthinkable for me to go travelling around Europe as some of my friends did. Which in turn started me worrying again that I was a crap mum as I couldn't take it all in my stride like they could. She was difficult to settle and startled very easily to noise which could have been early experiences/ separation or my anxiety either way it was a real thing!

People did not understand why I didn't accept invitations to visit and thought I was pfb. I guess I was. But you know your own baby best and if you know that trips away unsettle DS you have every right to say no to them without anyone making you feel bad about that.

My DD wasn't dangerously tiny, but did trundle along 0.4th centile for the first four months of her life (she's now 9mos and a great big monster baby on the 75th centile for both height and weight :) ). I could be flexible in the day because she didn't sleep, but not in the evening because she just cried for at least 3 hours before going to bed, had reflx, was incredibly difficult to settle. We went out to a friends house for NYE hoping she would sleep in her pram and it was a disaster, she just howled and couldn't settle, then a few weeks later we had to go to visit MIL and stayed in a hotel overnight, also a bit of a nightmare.

Were now in a happy naptime/bedtime routine, but it was really hard work to get to this point, and for months I wasn't prepared to disrupt it again, so I really know where you're coming from, there is no way I wuld have thrown it all out the window for a night out.

DD also used to kick off worse if DH was out. I don't think she was missing her daddy, but I do know that I was a bit worried about it being a really tough night if she did kick off as I had no back up and I suspect that that did transmit to her. That or it's just sod's law :)

I would let your DH go, because you will cope absolutely fine, you may be a bit knackered but you can hand the baby over and go to bed as soon as he gets home

A family friend is an infant psychotherapist called Tess Bailey-Sayer. She specialises in helping parents reduce stress for babies in SCBU - she is NHS employed to do just that, in fact. She says it can indeed make for a more fragile, less resilient baby, so I think well done you for reading your baby well and creating a safe and secure environment so he is confident and relaxed and quickly grows out of his perhaps being a little more anxious than most.

We could take my baby anywhere - still can now. But he had a really easy start. Your little guy didn't. If he needs routine and stability even this young, then he is YOUR child and you know best, and should trust your instinct.

Do think, though, that trying to allocate reasons for colic can be a hiding to nothing. Sometimes, they just cry because their tummies hurt. I doubt a single night without his dad is enough to decipher a pattern, so I'd just assume this night will be fine. I think you staying behind is totally understandable, though, although if you're still prioritising him absolutely at 18 months or so your DH might have grounds to mind then! 4 months, and doing so is your job, really.