Advice please on DH internet hankypanky

[Idiotwife]

Hoping someone can help give an unbiased view on my DH's behaviour. It is really long and rather revolting, sorry. Here goes:

Several years ago after the birth of our first child my DH was planning to go on a boys only trip to Budapest. In all innocence one day, honestly not checking on him in any way, I was on the computer and was going to google something beginning with 'b' can't remember what when 'budapest escorts' came up. I was very upset and confronted DH about it. He said it was for his best friend (let's call him C) who was also going on the trip. I said in that case, I was going to contact C's wife to let her know what I had found out. He then changed his story and said no, it was for himself but he was only looking and swore that he had never or would never actually do anything. I accepted this and he went on the trip although I was not happy about it, as you can imagine. I would like to add that DH had previously told me that one of C's friends had actually slept with a prostitute but I can't remember now if he was going to be on the trip.

Then, when I was pregnant with DC2, DH and C were planning a nightout in the UK. One evening I went with DH somewhere and we stopped on the way as he needed to do something. His mobile was in the car and it beeped to show he had received a text. As I was bored, and a bit cross with DH, as he was taking his time, I picked up the phone and saw that the message was from C. At that point I was not actively snooping in a suspicious way, just in a casual nosey way. The message said something like that he was looking forward to their nightout and he had put out a request for a one to one and would wait to see what happened. I told DH that I had read his text and he cancelled the trip. He said that he was so sorry and he knew he should never have gone along with C's crazy plan.

Earlier this year I decided to open a yahoo email account as I wanted to join the local freecycle group. On the login page another email address came up which was obviously for an account DH had opened. At this point I confess that I started actively spying on DH. I know that he is not creative with his passwords and soon managed to access his inbox but it turned out just to have something about airmiles in. I was relieved and felt rubbish for suspecting him. A few weeks passed, and I'm afraid that I checked the account again. I found an email about membership of a porn site which also encouraged people to contact each other. I knew that DH looked at porn on the internet but was shocked to think that he might be contacting other women. At that point I sent him an email to his yahoo account saying that he had been rumbled and threatened him with couples counselling. I later looked at the site again and convinced myself that he was probably just looking at porn and accessed his yahoo account and deleted the email I had sent him.

I was away just recently and on my return DH was acting strange with me. I asked if we were OK and said yes he was just tired and fed up with having to drive to pick me up from the airport. The next morning I snooped in his email inbox again and found a message from Adultfriendfinder.com saying they had found a sexymatch for him and a further one saying there were four hotties in his area. In the spam box there was a message regarding membership to a swinging website. I rang him at work and said that I had made an unpleasant discovery and that he shouldn't bother coming home that evening as I couldn't bear to see him. He said he was coming home immediately and I took the DCs to my mum's so they wouldn't be around to hear. He told me that he has been looking at websites with prostitutes on but he has never been to a prostitute nor would he ever do so. It turned him on thinking about it although he felt revolted with himself afterwards. He brought up the adultfriendfinder thing without me actually saying what I had discovered it and said that he had already deleted his details from the site. It's a few days since then and the emails are still arriving so I'm not sure that that is true. He says that he is stressed and unhappy and was lonely while I was away and he did these things in the heat of the moment but was disgusted with himself. He offered to show me his bank and credit card records and said he would have himself checked at a STD clinic if I wanted. He said he didn't mind doing these things as he knew he had nothing to hide. I agreed to try to sort things out and he is going to the GP tomorrow to see if he can get some help with his compulsion to do these things and if not that perhaps GP can help with the stress and insomnia which he also has. I have also asked him to find out about if GP can recommend a couples counsellor.

I'm feeling really sad and troubled by all this. I know I shouldn't spy on my DH but he did make me suspicious and I was right to be suspicious. Since having had all this out with DH I have been thinking more about the cancelled trip with his mate C and the 'one to one' that C was trying to arrange. Was DH in on that? What were they intending to do? I don't know whether to ask DH about this or wait and see what the counselling reveals. Also, should I contact C's wife and let her know or let her continue in blissful ignorance. I have been thinking just to keep quiet but I'm not sure. What would you do?

Sorry to hear this. That's three strikes, isn't it?

His story seems pretty unlikely to me. Why would he offer to get himself checked for STDs if he knew he couldn't possibly have any?

I think you should proceed on the basis that he almost certainly used (because that's what it is) a prostitute in Budapest and that he would certainly have not been twiddling his thumbs in the lobby while his mate did so on their night out, had you not seen the text.

I would have left him at the end of the 1st paragraph.

He's taking the piss and sadly, I don't think you know everything yet.

Don't feel bad for snooping. You trusted your instincts, good on you but do you want a future of feeling like you have to check up on him?

Because I think that's all you're going to get.

I think adult friend finder is a site for people who want to cheat/meet up for casual sex.
I'm sorry but I wouldn't be with a man who had sex with prostitutes which he obviously has. I would tell c's wife as well, it's disgusting
ii know this sounds horrible but you need to get tested for HIV and STI's

so sorry you have to go through this, what a prick your dh is.

Thanks for your replies. I have just made appointment with the doc .

You can dismiss this posting as being from a male viewpoint if you like.

"Why would he offer to get himself checked for STDs if he knew he couldn't possibly have any?"

That is the only circumstance in which I would offer to get myself checked for STDs. If I thought I might actually have some I certainly wouldn't tell my wife (at least, not until I'd been tested). I haven't cheated on my wife, BTW.

Adultfriendfinder is indeed a contact site. It costs nothing to post an ad but free members only have limited access. In particular, they generally can't contact other members unless the other member contacts them first. Women don't generally initiate contact so a man wanting to meet people has to pay at least $20 a month (it is a US site) for membership. That is the pattern for most of these sites. If he hasn't paid any money, he almost certainly hasn't been in contact with anyone.

Personally I'm not sure what to make of all this. The "it was C, no it was me" about the Budapest trip could mean it was him, but it could equally be that he was covering for C given your threat to contact C's wife. Having said that, covering for C in this way (if that is what he was doing) was stupid as it left you suspicious.

The fact that you feel the need to snoop on your husband certainly rings alarm bells. That kind of thing is corrosive to relationships. You need to sort this out or leave.

The doctor won't usually test you for STDs - you'll probably be told to go to the GUI clinic at your local hospital.

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a bad time, but I can't understand why you weren't more suspicious when he first went on holiday with his friend and you saw the Budapest Escorts link on your computer. Did you really believe that story he told you?

Both he and his friend seem to be a right pair, covering up for each other all the time.

AdultFriendFinder is a really seedy site - go and look at it. There are obviously prostitutes on it, but it's generally people who are in relationships and want a quick, no-strings-attached shag.

I doubt very much whether your husband will change - he may become more adept at hiding his tracks, but I really doubt whether he'll change just because you want him to.

prh47bridge, given the circumstances, do you really think she was unreasonable to look at his phone/email?

mmmmmmm, it all doesn't add up and I think you have to prepare yourself that at some point he'll admit that he has slept with a prostitute.
Even if he doesn't admit it can you trust him ever again?
that would be my biggest concern that it doesn't matter what he said or did but the trust would have gone and to me if that goes there isn't anything left......

Sorry that you're having to go through this but if I were you I'd get rid.

prh Thanks for your views. That is what I thought about the STDs but think I'd be happier if I was checked and sure.

Is that just one vote for telling C's wife? If I contact her, what should I say?

I wouldn't tell his wife, but if you do split up over this and she asks why, I would be pretty straightforward.

atswimtwolengths and shineoncrazydiamond - You misunderstand me. I am not saying the OP was being unreasonable. If he is using prostitutes or seeing other women that is, of course, far more damaging than snooping. However, if her DH is being truthful and he hasn't done anything beyond looking, the OP's snooping isn't going to improve the relationship. My point was that the OP either needs to leave or get to the point where she doesn't feel the need to snoop any more.

I think you're still making out it's her problem to be snooping tbh.

OP- I would ask her about it, maybe just ask if she remembers this trip being arranged because you're concerned that your dh wanted to visit prostitutes and you're worries c is involved too. I think she deserves to know- what if she has caught something off him and doesn't yet know?
Are you going to stay with him?

Don't tell the other wife - unless she's a very good friend of yours.

I can completely understand why you ended up snooping and frankly I don't blame you.
Whether DH has used a prostitute or not I don't know - though I rather think he has or certainly would have but for your suspicions.

What I find really troubling is his and his disgusting mates attitude to it. Is screwing hookers just part of a lads night out ffs!

I don't see how you can possibly get past this if he continues to associate with this cretin. I couldn't.

Really sorry.

He's obviously been fantasising for a while about seeing an escort/paying for sex. From what you've said I would be thinking it has happened in the past - and probably will again, he's 'psyching himself up'.

You were snooping because you had reason to suspect he was doing something. You were right. You have nothing to apologise IMO.

I don't know what to say re your own relationship

But don't contact C's wife, I doubt she will thank you for it. He will probably make you out to be a mad bitch and ultimately she will believe him over you

I think I'm going to give the counselling a go and see what happens. It may be that we can work our way through it or may show that there isn't any point, but at least I will have tried. I owe the kids that, I think.

Yes absolutely go for counselling and the best of luck with it.

Oh and I don't think I'll tell C's wife. My gut feeling is to stay out of their marriage. I've got enough misery without thinking I've caused someone else to feel like this.

I'm going to log off now as DH will be home in a minute so want to say thanks again for all your advice.

Hi there

I feel very sorry for you,especially as I have been there myself. I don,t wan t to hijack your thread to repeat my 'story' and I don't know how to do links but I suggest you search for my earlier posts to see some of the good advice I was given.

What I would say is that there is some good news here (believe it or not) to suggest that you may have caught this at an early stage.

It costs a lot of money to visit escorts, and if your dh is volunteering to let you look at the bank accounts, then it suggests to me that there is nothing to hide. When I finally realised what was going on, there was a clear trail over years of him withdrawing £200 every so often, or sums over a few days to add up to £200 or so.

I also think it is a good sign that he admitted to the adult friendfinder thing of his own volition, without you having to confront him with your evidence.

On the other hand, I do think that the evidence would suggest that at some point he has visited a prostitute. The first time I found out that my h had looked at escorts' websites, he told me that he was 'only looking' and had rung one up just as a fantasy. I believed him totally, but it was complete bollocks.

Of course, for you, the fact that it has happened once may be a deal breaker, and who could possibly blame you? But if you feel differently and think there could still be a chance for your marriage then the fact you have discovered this before it has turned into a full blown obsession could be a good thing.

On the STD thing, then I do advise that you, or at least your dh gets tested. My h's tests came back clear and the GUM clinic said that there was no need for me to do it too. But you may well wish to be absolutely sure and want to get tested yourslef too.

I also advise going for a smear test even if you are not due for one. I didn't realise at all that condoms do not protect fully against the HPV virus, which many prostitutes carry and which causes cervical cancer. I was furious with my h for allowing me to think for years that I was low risk for HPV, when this was categorically not the case.

These are just the practical things. The emotional impact of finding out something like this is just awful. Look after yourself; realise that this is absolutely not about you or any deficiency on your part. It is totally about him and his failure to behave decently.

As for telling C's wife, it is very difficult. Of course, I wish that someone had told me what my h was doing. What I would say is that if the idea of damaging the friendship between your dh and C is holding you back, then I wouldn't let that stop you telling her. And it might well be good for you to have some real life solidarity and support. But as you say, I think you probably have enough on your plate at the moment.

By the way, you are not an idiot wife. He is the idiot - putting everything at risk for some kind of puerile thrill seeking.

I will be thinking of you. You are not alone in this.

He sounds like he would not know the truth if it jumped out and bit him on the arse! good luck with working things out, I know after a string of sleazy lies like that I could never trust someone again and I would have almost certainly lost all respect for them too

So sorry to hear this idiotwife You should change your name though - you've been a trusting wife and he's betrayed you. You're not an idiot. Imo it looks as if he's either cheated or seriously been thinking about doing so. I don't think a trip to the gp will sort out his issues with sex.

Mrs Jellicle - actually HPV is very common. Up to a third of women carry it (iirc)and it has nothing to do with sexual promiscuity. You can get it even if you've only had one partner.