Help me get some perspective please - my mother

[sheaintheavy]

DDs birthday last week.

Have a newborn so instead of a party with lots of kids we arranged a day out with both sets of grandparents followed by a birthday tea.

Everyone had a lovely day, or so I thought.

Today my Dad phoned to tell me she's really upset because the photos I've uploaded to the site I share photos with the grandparents on "hardly feature her" apparently.

Now these are pictures from my camera, my Dad's camera and FIL camera. My Mum is in a couple, I'm only in a couple, everyone else is only in a couple except for DD and lots of Zoo animals, which is the main focus.

Apparently she is very upset at being sidelined.

She also has some issue with the fact that PIL watched DD open her presents but she chose not to give DD her presents.

Apparently this is all evidence of how my Mother has been sidelined.

Now, does she have a point? Because nobdoy else has complained - I don't relaly understand how I was supposed to control who was in which photo. Also, did she expect me to tell PIL they oculdn't watch DD open her presents.

What's going on?

Sorry, my Dad phoned, to say this about my mother. If that didn't make sense.

Ooh blimey she has got herself into a pickle hasn't she! My mom would never say that as she knows i would just laugh at such nonsense, but putting myself in your shoes I would say to her just what you have said - the photos were from everyone and it wasn't done intentionally and that when you can you will get a lovely shot of them both and upload it. Leave it at that, if mom still has a problem then it's her issue and not yours, don't get caught up in it...just get on with life.

Maybe she hasn't much to do and is picking on anything or perhaps there is an underlying issue and she is blaming it on this. Bare it in mind and just play happy and dumb and move on.

Thanks rainbow.

She doesn't know my Dad has told me this. I don't know why he has told me tbh as he said there wasn't anything I can do about it.

I'm upset now too because I put a lot of effort into organising the weekend with a newborn to look after and now this.

Ok so she's gone a bit over-excited about the whole thing (makes me want to wrap her tightly in a blanket and put her to bed early!)

Why don't you go round with your baby (all dressed up, preferably in something that your mum gave her) and say you'd like to have some photos of her with the baby and also some of your dad with the baby.

Then you can do the same with your in-laws.

They'll all then have the photos and hopefully this will stop any more palaver.

I know you think she's over-reacting, but you can either tell her that or make her happy. Don't let this spoil your time with your lovely baby.

Thats a good ideao atswim but they all live 100s of miles away so I can't really pop round/.

I think, unfortunately, my Mum is a bit put out at not being number one grandma for the weekend, as they don't usually spend time with PIL.

Perhaps just explain to your dad exactly what you have said to us and let him know that you are a bit upset as this was no way your intention. Ask him what his view is and how he thinks you can make it better - if he doesn't offer anything then why tell you!

Have you got any other nice pics of mom and DD that she hasn't seen that you could upload?

Or get going on PhotoShop - here's granny with the baby at the zoo... that kind of thing!

Oh fgs don't pander to her with photoshop or going round with pix!!! She's being a silly sausage and a bit of a diva. Ignore it.

She seems to have a bee in her bonnet.

IS she normally so attention seeking and particular about how she is treated?

Not giving your presents to a child as there are other people there smacks a bit of control freakery to me...

I don't think there is a lot you can do except maker a mental note not to mix the grand parents at social dos otherwise your mum feels slighted for not very good reasons.

I also find the fact your dad has rung you to tell you this is also suspiciously controlling. Is she trying to guilt you into something? Why can't she say this herself? Or accept her grandchild has 2 other grandparents?

good post miggsie

So, let me get this right:- You organised a day out with both sets of grandparents and both your dd and a new baby. Your parents had to come from a distance? You all went to the zoo together and PIL gave your dd presents and watched her open them, but your parents did not give her presents?
They then went back home and complained about who was in the photos? And you wonder whether they have a point?
Is that right?
I just don't get it. Rather than thanking you for organising a lovely day out where they got to be with your dd and the new baby, she complained? And not even personally, she put your dad up to it?
I can understand that you are upset about it, but I can't see any reason to pander to your mother, who probably would have found something else to complain about if it hadn't been the photos.

Did they give your dd any presents in the end or did they take them home with them?

I was joking, proudnsad!

My mum is like this too. Everything is about her. It's boooooring!

Ignore her - she'll have something else to fret over by the weekend.

Congrats on the new addition BTW

Thanks all.

I'm seriously tempted not to pander to her.

I can't fathom how she has got herself so worked up about it.

I don't know why my Dad told me, she's been upset all week apparently but he's going to try to cheer her out of it over the weekend

I thought the day was supposed to be about DD - she's in the photos, surely that's what matters. And yes, there are a few photos of PIL - but they are from their own camera.

I don't understand the present thing either. I had to select every single one of the presents from my parents to DD as my Mum wouldn't and never does choose presents for her - she always expects me to do it. Perhaps her nose is out of joint because DD loved the presents PIL chose for her.

She opened some of her presents with DD when no one else was around then just left the others on the side for us top open another time.

It's all very odd.

I think the fact that she's been upset about it all week might mean that perhaps she is suffering from anxiety, or low self-confidence, or was just hoping for too much? It's not normal to be that upset about something not that important.

My MIL is very similar (has to make her own individual birthday cake for my DD, DD isn't allowed to open ANY presents until MIL is there, counts how many days each year she's seen her compared to my parents etc., and we have PIL relaying how upset she is an how we should make more of an effort) and we've been pandering to her for the last 2.5 years since DD was born. I wish we hadn't, but we did because it was easiest. But the situation can't continue for us, and it's really difficult trying to stop it now.
Good luck!

Ilovemountains, I think you're right.

She is very highly strung, and she loves to make a drama out of things. Part of the reason we clash is because everything has to be a crisis with her.

It just annoys me that I've been told this, they've gone away for the weekend so I can't talk to her about it. Now I know she's wallowing in being some kind of victim over this.

I wish I hadn't made the effort frankly, just wanted DD's birthday to be special and not overshadowed by the new baby. Made a cake, organised a picnic, a barbecue, a day at the zoo whilst looking after a newborn - now it turns out that I was also supposed to be making sure she was in the bloody pictures.

FFS.

shes being ridicuolous

people like this are so tiring

you can't get through to them

their negativity spoils stuff

you can't make them happy whatever you do as they just find something else to moan about

I would stop letting it get to you and tell your Dad not to pass on such ridiculous moaning. He should be telling her to get a grip, not validating her behavior.

Ok, thanks for all your responses.

I'm surprised quite how upset I am about this. I specifically wanted to do something that included all of the grandparents, I now I feel like I'm being punished for it.

Not sure what to do now. Ignore her calls for a bit (if she makes any) I guess.

I don;t want to talk to her at all now, feel so shit about her being like thjis.

It is so horrible when they ruin things for everyone.

I would just ignore the whole thing if you can, and remember what a lovely day your DD had. And don't mix the grandparents again.

Good advice humphrey, thnanks.

Not mixing easier said than done unfortunately - we're supposed to be seeing all of them together the week before xmas.

Going to be complicated to get out of, but I think I might try.

If it really sets her off it might be worth it.

Has she doen this before?

She gets worked up about things.

The first xmas DD was born we said we didn't think it was fair to pick as set of grandparents to spend it with so invited them both.

PIL came (accepting that my parents would be there too). My parents declined to come and then my Mum complained about how she didn;t get to spend xmas with DD.

How annoying.

rewriting history is a classic behavior

you can't fight it, but you can learn to ignore it

Is it humphrey? I don'tknow much abnout this stuff - jus tthat she pushes my buttons!

So the best tack is to ignore all of it?