Help me get some perspective please - my mother

[sheaintheavy]

DDs birthday last week.

Have a newborn so instead of a party with lots of kids we arranged a day out with both sets of grandparents followed by a birthday tea.

Everyone had a lovely day, or so I thought.

Today my Dad phoned to tell me she's really upset because the photos I've uploaded to the site I share photos with the grandparents on "hardly feature her" apparently.

Now these are pictures from my camera, my Dad's camera and FIL camera. My Mum is in a couple, I'm only in a couple, everyone else is only in a couple except for DD and lots of Zoo animals, which is the main focus.

Apparently she is very upset at being sidelined.

She also has some issue with the fact that PIL watched DD open her presents but she chose not to give DD her presents.

Apparently this is all evidence of how my Mother has been sidelined.

Now, does she have a point? Because nobdoy else has complained - I don't relaly understand how I was supposed to control who was in which photo. Also, did she expect me to tell PIL they oculdn't watch DD open her presents.

What's going on?

If you can. It sounds like she gives your Dad a hard time so he tries to make his life easy by passing it on to you?

When I said it was classic, I meant in my own experience!

I think families can end up running around after people like this because they make things so difficult, but I don't think this helps in the long run.

Good luck, and congratulations on your new baby

Thanks humphrey

I would agree with "ignore, ignore, ignore" Next time your dad starts to pass something like this on, stop him in his tracks and tell him you don't want to know.
Your mum chooses to be upset, she doesn't have to be, since all anybody wants is for everybody to have a good time.
If she doesn't it is her choice.
As it is also your choice to be upset about her upsetness.

You're right dutch, thank you.

I won't let this bother me anymore.

I've tried to talk to her about this kind of stuff before - she's gone on about things in the family, blaming other people for making her feel insecure. Wasn't it Eleanor Roosevelt who said nobody can make you feel insecure but yourself? Or something along those lines.

I think she needs to grow up a bit, but was worried I was being insensitive. Glad to have other's perspectives on it.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"

That's what Eleanor roosevelt said!

its not your fault.

with people like that - nothing is ever good enough for them, they need to be the centre of attention all the time. IMHO she is actually jealous because she wanted the day to be about her - not your DD. So now she is sulking, telling everyone how upset she is that you slighted her etc etc

she will be moaning to everyone who will listen. it will get her far more attention than saying " Would you like to see the photos of my GDs 3rd birthday? We went to the zoo, it was such a lovely day"

so the whole occasion is redefined from being DDs 3rd birthday to " that's day I was so hurt, when you left me out of everything, I didn't eat properly for a week afterwards I was so devastated " etc etc

as other have said, its classic attention seeking behaviour

the fact that YOU have to choose the gifts from her is very significant. Most GPs enjoy the pleasure of choosing suitable gifts. Your mother cant be bothered with that - all she wants is a crowd of admiring people saying

" oh what a wonderful gift!!! Isnt Mary so generous!!! "

or DD saying " Oh Granny, its wonderful, you are the best granny in the world"

Normal ( = emotionally healthy) people are happy to know that the child has played with the toy often and derived a lot of pleasure from it. Its about the child, not about them

Actually, I just remembered that we always had to buy our children's presents from my parents. I just thought that it was because we lived abroad and it was difficult to send stuff over, but on their birthdays they wouldn't send a card, but ring, which was no good to the children as she could never understand them over the phone.
I hadn't thought about that for years.

UPDATE

Me again.

Well, I finally spoke to her today.

They were away all weekend, I did text my Dad on Friday to tell him I had just found out I'm going to be out of a job very soon (redundancy - which will leave us financially fucked and struggling to pay our mortgage).

He said he would phone on Sunday when they got back and didn't.

I then got a message today asking me to skype them as they're going on holiday tomorrow and want to see the DC on the webcam.

My Dad did bother to ask about work, my mother said NOTHING about it. Just sat there putting on one of her 'brave faces' still obviously struggling through the enourmous slight of 9 days ago that is clearly mor important than the livelihood of our family.

Anyway, I finally had it out with her.

Apparently it's my fault that there aren't any photos of her even though I didn't take the pictures.

The present thing I can't work out - seems to be related to the fact that my Mum thinks PIL spent more on presents and that that has embarassed her. Which is my fault, apparently.

My Dad said that he thinks FIL monopolised DD's time at the zoo - yes, FIL did prob spend more time with her than my parents. But frankly, I was busy with the baby the whole day - they are all adults. All my parents needed to do was take DD by the hand to go and look at something if they wanted to spend some more time with her.

Bottom line your mother is upset and whether she is in the right or not, she is hurting. Speak to her about it and explain that there was no decision to leave her out, she just wasn't in a lot of the photos as you weren't.

Thanks sorrento, I have tried to explain that but she has basically said that I should have told DH to take photos of her.

Oh I have total sympathy and am sitting here feeling anxious and annoyed on your behalf - this is EXACTLY what my mum would do .

My mum spoiled the birth of my first child with similar shenanigans, and we are constantly trying to keep her happy. Actually, come to think of it, she had the same issue after our wedding too

Needless to say I am in the middle of a huge round of counselling to try and deal with 40 years of unexpressed anger and pissed-offness towards my mum.

You can't win this one, it will always be about them. The only thing you can change is how you feel about it yourself.

Sorry to sound so down, but I couldn't ignore as it was so close to home.

I'm with you too!

The Big Issue that stopped my mother's occasional but damaging silliness was, sadly, the death of dear dad. She at least demonstrated the intelligence to realise that the tables had turned a little and that if she continued to behave so badly towards me; the chilled atmosphere etc, I would have simply walked away (or rather, pretty much disengaged)- and she'd have had no one. Whilst some might cry 'Cruel!', she's a grown woman and as she taught me and I've taught mine, actions have consequences.

We now enjoy a reasonable, mature relationship.

However, now also deceased PIL- blimey! MIL could sulk for, well, Australia as it happened. She was the sun around whom the planets of her DH and stay-at-home DS revolved. I so wanted to slap her on so many occasions! We had a day by day breakdown of how long my visiting form the UK parents spent with DS1 compared to her; prior to having the boys, we (DH or BF as he was) would be expected to leave work at 5pm on a Friday, drive straight up the 3 3/4 hour trip to visit them, then woe betide us if we made to go back home before 8pm of Sunday night, with work on Monday and that long return drive ahead! Wouldn't be spoken to for at least a fortnight (like I minded!) and then it'd be DBIL calling to tell us how upset Mother was. FFS.

It's bloody hard when you're dealing with REAL children and adults behaving like children!

Thanks all,

I just feel rubbish for getting involved and getting angry over it. Got so angry I swore at her which was really childish. Just feeling quite stressed with a toddler, a newborn, no sleep, no job and then having to think about crap like this.

Methinks the only mature person in all this is the OP's DD.

Oh OP-it is so horrible that it has been turned on to you.

And you can´t be doubling up every activity so that GPs don´t have to "share"

She doesn´t have a point at all.

She could have asked you or your husband to take pics.

It´s not up to you to second guess everything.

Why isn´t she cross with your Dad?

TBH, if I was out, like this, I´m fairly certain I´d be taking pics of my children & husband-not my mum so much!