Dh putting work before everything else.

[WhyHasEverythingChanged]

Hi

I have been coping with my Dh and his work obsession quite well until recently and although I have very supportive friends and family in RL I want to see if anyone else has been though the same and if anyone has any advice.

My Dh has always been obsessed with work. He worries about it constantly, he likes to succeed and likes people to think he is doing well. However he has recently moved to a new role (in the last 6 months) and it has put extra pressure on him. It hasn't all been rosy and there have been problems at work, which he is dealing with. However, over the last 5 weeks he has been increasingly detached and cold at home and it has peaked with him saying he does not like spending time at home or with our children (he works 10 hour days 6 days a week as it is) and that he can't see how our relationship is going to continue in the future. He does not like spending time with the children, he finds them difficult (they are 4 and 3) an has a go at them constantly when he is home, so they don't then want to hold his hand, which annoys him.

We have been together since we were at school and we are the best of friends and I think he is just very lost. He doesn't want to fail, or to be seen to failing at work so he doesn't see leaving as an option. But he is such a different person and is saying things like 'work comes first' 'homelife isn't as important as work' 'maybe I should work 7 days a week'. I think he is quite scared in a way but he is now turning it on me.

In the 14 years we have been together he has never been like this and we have never discussed splitting up, now he has mentioned it quite a few times as he says i already leave a 'single mother lifestyle' (as he is at work so much) and that it would give him more time to work.

He wakes at 3am every morning and can't sleep because he is worrying and spends his only day off worrying and doing work for the next day.

He is unhappy and is missing so much of us, the kids growing up and the happy times and he is now scaring me that he actually wants us to break up.

Nothing I say seems to make a difference and I really feel I am losing him. He says I haven't changed at all but then asks why he is being made to be the one 'at fault' in all of this.

He mentioned a few things about home that he wasn't happy with at the weekend so by the end of Monday I had sorted them, but he then said he wasn't looking for me to do that.

I am so confused and lost. I have lost my best friend and my lover. He is the most fantastic man and fabulous father and I love him to bits but how do I get through this? His words have hurt me so much and sometimes he even says he doesn't understand why I am so upset.

Is there anyone out there that can say anything to help this become clearer? Anyone else been in a similar position? I feel I am silently going mad.

What a stressful situation...

I would be a bit worried about his health/mental health to be honest.

What does he do for a living?

Poor you and poor him, he sounds very stressed and unhappy. Is there any way you could get him to go for a chat with your GP, they might be able to make him see that this is not a good way to feel.

In sales management. I am really worried for him. As a friend said if he'd had an affair etc you would just call him a ba'?d and deal with the fall out of the situation, but I really really feel for him too and know it is not easy for him. If it were short term maybe I could cope but we don't know when this will end and if it continues for months will I lose him completely?

I have one just like that, but yours sounds nicer.
i want to leave mine.
I don't know if mine can be helped as I have only know him for 7 years.
he needs some help, but I don't know how you get them to admit that.
Sorry, not much help!

Are you totally sure that he is spending all of his time at work. TBH his behaviour sounds typical (from what I've learned on here) of someone who is having an affair. I don't mean to add to your worries, but it does sound quite symptomatic.

Sorry you are going through this. Your post is so eloquent I'm wondering if you should just show him it. Your love for him shines through and it might just clarify things for him.

It sounds like he is close to breaking point - trust me, I'm a workaholic too and I know the signs. If my DH had shown me a post like yours when I was at my worst it might have brought me to my senses. Or at least it would have made me realise that I had a problem.

If he can read that post and not feel the need to readdress his life/attitude then his problems run deeper than you have been led to believe.

I am very sure he isn't having an affair. It did go through my head believe me but he the most loyal man I know (to everything, including work!!!!)It goes against everything he stands for. I have asked him, obviously and got a very sound response and I know he is at work because he rings me from there, I can ring him there and the business opening hours are long anyway. If it was that I would be really really shocked.

domeafavour, glad I am not alone but feel ffor you. That's the problem isn't it, they don't realise I don't think? Or they don't realise how serious it is!

I think it would have to be an epiphany at work to cause a change. But when will that be?

Zippy, do you think showing it is different to telling him these things? We have had very long chats about it. Sometimes he is upset he is upsetting me (bad work days) other times he gets really angry that I keep bringing it up and doesn't get why I am upset (good work days). Have sent him really long texts to contemplate too, and they are all loving and supportive, if blunt beacuse I do love him. But nothing seems to switch him back to that man I know. I think it may be out of my hands and that scares me too.

Zippy, why does work take over? Have you felt that work was more important and that you didn't want to be at home?

My dad was a workaholic and destroyed his first marriage mostly through his selfishness and went a good way towards destroying his second.

Maybe your DH was a fantastic man and a fabulous father but he isn't now, is he. He's totally self-absorbed and needs a wake up call. Only you can decide what form that wake up call will take but what you can't do is carry on like this, for your own self-respect.

Glad to hear you are confident about his faithfulness. I agree with Zippy. You seem very resilient and caring. I think I would have been tempted to call his bluff and tell him to take a hike until he got his priorities sorted.

Have you asked him what he thinks he contributes to the lives of you and your children? If all he can come up with is "money" then it might at least make him think.

Is something going badly wrong at work?
He sounds hugely stressed and desperate. I like to work hard, but waking up at 3, not being able to sleep, needing to spend that much time working doesn't really stack up as normal "workaholism" to me.

A wake up call he does need, I completely agree but I am not sure it is from me. Before I would have agreed that saying I was leaving etc would have got him to pause and think, but not now. He is so lost in his own world, I am not sure if he even always sees that we are here.

Also I don't want to offer ultimatums etc, he needs to make the decision himself, otherwise in the future I am going to be the one the finger is pointed at about leaving the role. And as we all know those rose tinted glasses wont show the crap they will show me making him leave a well paid job and making him take a step back on the career ladder.

I think that is one of the most frustrating things, he needs to make the change, not me and if I push him it won't have the full effect and could make matters worse.

He has taken on a big job and has always been the golden boy, but he isn't here. No one else has suceeded in his role either and he is desperate to suceed and show he can do it, but he can't release or contain the pressure so it is spilling over everywhere.

I have hesitated to post as it's not cheery but
I had a friend in a very similar position to you. Her husband became very distant, she asked what was wrong and he suddenly announced that they had nothing in common anymore, he didn't feel anything for her and they had different goals in life.
He then seemed to have no idea what to do and mooned around [when not at work]. She tried so hard to help him and to work out a solution in which they stayed together but he seemed unresponsive and eventually she couldn't carry on and she asked him to leave.
They are divorced now and she thinks he had some kind of midlife crisis.
He still seems to her to be not wholly engaged with life and basically he has lost his family life and is occupied with his job.

I really hope you can work things out.

FlyMe, that is what worries me, if this carries on how long does it take to 'grow apart'? He says himself he doesn't have a life, no real friends or hobbies because he doesn't have time for any but then work is so important he doesn't make time for any, or his family now!

Well it's not a sustainable situation. If you don't give him the wake-up then what will probably happen is that he will lose his job, or his health.
My dad's story sounds rather similar from certain aspects, including the waking up at 3 in the morning. He also had nightmares, constantly had to be doing something every waking moment and all he could ever talk about was work. He also began to suffer heart problems and had a major bypass. The difference is that my dad was a lot nearer retirement age when this happened. He had a very senior position and the other directors sat him down and told him they weren't happy with the quality of his work... to cut a long story short he basically had to take early retirement.

My Dh is only 30

what about his family?his mum and dad? could they talk to him?
is he the same with them?
my mil is coming to stay soon, she sometimes gives him a wake up call

But as I keep saying, he is young, if he learns from this now he has loads of time to start again, to find something he loves. I said I wouldn't mind the hours if he loved the job, was bouncing off the walls with excitement about the role and enjoyed having his day off, holidays and evenings together.

I have suggested we see his parents on Sunday. His Dad was a big career man but is (well since I have known him) really family focused.

I think a 'throw away' comment from his dad around the time this all started may have played a big part as he said 'Well you can't give up now son' but didn't know all the facts as my Dh wouldn't tell him everything as wouldn't want to be seen as a failure in front of him.

I really don't know what the solution is.
My friends husbands family talked to him and so did his boss but it made no difference except to annoy him because they were 'interfering' and she was making him look a failure by asking them for help.

Not being trivial here, but could it be a little bit too of being 30, rather than 20 something. I can (vaguely) remember feeling a bit of angst the new year's eve before being 30, then shrugging it off with another glass and feeling I didn't have to worry about it again until I was about to hit 40.

Not only that, but sales is often very high stress.

Think that the gp is a good idea, if only for a bit of help with sleeping. Also, some non-competitive sport would help, even a walk would do.

WHEC - your OP could have been written by me. I have a DH nearly 40 with a 'big' job. Since we had our second child he rarely participates in family stuff - or more to the point clearly doesn't enjoy it. He treats me fine most of the time but then has periods (every 2 months) where he blows up and says vile things to me. He regularly says 'I don't want to be here'. Just this week he called me a f*ing dick because I was applying for another job that he said 'you'll never hold on to' because I have been made redundant twice in the last year - I am in the construciton industry. He is clearly stressed at work which he acknowledges but has no desire to seek help. I am off to relate next week - I have invited him but he says they will just think he is a t*t. Despite all this I am flipping desperate to make it work. We were child hood sweethearts and got back together after sowing our oats elesewhere for 10 years. I have never felt so in love with someone and I can't just give up on it. I need him to change his outlook on life - he is so status driven but there is only so much I can do. he has his moments of warmth and can be really good with the kids but mainly they seem to irritate him. It comforts me to know I am not alone in this nightmare situation.

He sounds like he's feeling incredibly stressed. I don't think he sounds like someone having an affair, to be honest - I think he would be happier if he was.

I think he needs to have a check up at the doctor's - not so that he can have time off (as that will make him more stressed) but so that his blood pressure etc can be monitored.

I felt considerable stress when I was first divorced and caring for my two children alone - I felt as though a fist was gripping my heart and squeezing it really tight - my vision would blur and my breathing would change. I was put onto beta blockers and only needed them for a month - they were fantastic as they prevent your body having those surges of adrenaline. Ask your husband whether that's how he's feeling and if so, get him to the doctor.

WhyHas I really, really feel for you. I work in Sales/Sales Management too and it's bloody awful at the moment. It's hellish everywhere. The pressure businesses are placing on their sales teams is incredible.

It sounds too as if your DH is likely to be at the start of his "serious" career - he may well be surrounded by people who do not have families and be in competition with them. It's really hard to explain the mixture of fear, competition and back stabbing in Sales - your team/peers/bosses are often just waiting for you to fail and you'll often be told "you're only as good as your last sale" etc.

If you can work your way through this, I'd suggest that this will pass as your DH becomes a little more comfortable in his new role but it must be horrible for you right now.