Dh putting work before everything else.

[WhyHasEverythingChanged]

Hi

I have been coping with my Dh and his work obsession quite well until recently and although I have very supportive friends and family in RL I want to see if anyone else has been though the same and if anyone has any advice.

My Dh has always been obsessed with work. He worries about it constantly, he likes to succeed and likes people to think he is doing well. However he has recently moved to a new role (in the last 6 months) and it has put extra pressure on him. It hasn't all been rosy and there have been problems at work, which he is dealing with. However, over the last 5 weeks he has been increasingly detached and cold at home and it has peaked with him saying he does not like spending time at home or with our children (he works 10 hour days 6 days a week as it is) and that he can't see how our relationship is going to continue in the future. He does not like spending time with the children, he finds them difficult (they are 4 and 3) an has a go at them constantly when he is home, so they don't then want to hold his hand, which annoys him.

We have been together since we were at school and we are the best of friends and I think he is just very lost. He doesn't want to fail, or to be seen to failing at work so he doesn't see leaving as an option. But he is such a different person and is saying things like 'work comes first' 'homelife isn't as important as work' 'maybe I should work 7 days a week'. I think he is quite scared in a way but he is now turning it on me.

In the 14 years we have been together he has never been like this and we have never discussed splitting up, now he has mentioned it quite a few times as he says i already leave a 'single mother lifestyle' (as he is at work so much) and that it would give him more time to work.

He wakes at 3am every morning and can't sleep because he is worrying and spends his only day off worrying and doing work for the next day.

He is unhappy and is missing so much of us, the kids growing up and the happy times and he is now scaring me that he actually wants us to break up.

Nothing I say seems to make a difference and I really feel I am losing him. He says I haven't changed at all but then asks why he is being made to be the one 'at fault' in all of this.

He mentioned a few things about home that he wasn't happy with at the weekend so by the end of Monday I had sorted them, but he then said he wasn't looking for me to do that.

I am so confused and lost. I have lost my best friend and my lover. He is the most fantastic man and fabulous father and I love him to bits but how do I get through this? His words have hurt me so much and sometimes he even says he doesn't understand why I am so upset.

Is there anyone out there that can say anything to help this become clearer? Anyone else been in a similar position? I feel I am silently going mad.

I'm no expert but i think early morning wakening and loss of interest in things are classic signs of depression.
I'm so sorry things are like this for you both but I agree with those saying he may benefit from seeing his GP.

Sounds like unconsciously he's doing all this to please his father. Maybe he feels he wont be accepted by him if he doesnt. How was he treated as a child by his dad? Maybe you can speak to him about it and get him to talk about it.

I dated a workaholic once, unfortunately like any addiction the relationship with that comes before anything else, and they need themselves to realise they have a problem.
Maybe you could suggest time apart?

If he's working 60 hour weeks isnt that illegal too?
Maybe suggest psychologist, marrage councillor, etc. Someone who can get to the root of the problem, but look like your suggesting it for the relationship.

Hi there. I recognise that post but it was me who was acting like your DH. Got totally work obsessed, couldn't cope at home irritable all the time. Began to think about splitting up with my DH

turned out I'd actually become mentally ill and it was that that was the major problem ( though the job had to be scaled down too)

I felt v angry my DH hadn't seen what was happening and it was only when I hit the brick wall that I woke up and realised I needed help

so keep on trying with your DH. It may be hard but hopefully your family can get through this. Though I have to say if my DH had instigated a split it may have been a wake up call for me to get help and get my priorities right

Hi. I think you need to consider yourself and the dc in this situation, and what you are prepared tp put up with, and for how long. At the moment, and for a long time now, your dh has things all his own way. I appreciate he is stressed and probably depressed, but, the onus is on him, to change the situation-you are his wife, not his counsellor.
He is insisting that his priority is work, and if you can accept that, then fine, but it seens clear from your post, this situation your dh is creating, is making you unhappy. Your dc are also being made unhappy .
Men who are so work focused, need clear statements about what you want and need-they dont seem to want to hear about feelings.
My sisters ex-dh was like this. He increased his working hours all the time, made promises about spending family time he didnt keep, and even on holiday, took work, and rang work. My sis, basically lived like a single parent within a marriage,which is an incredibly lonely place to be.
No matter how much my sis pleaded,shouted, argued, he didnt give an inch. Infact, he became distant and cold, and wanted out of the marriage. They are now divorced, and my sis has a new partner and is much happier.
I hope you find some "peace" soon.

Hi WhyHasEverythingChanged. I used to be just like your husband earlier in my career and was extremely work focussed, to the exclusion of my friends and relationships. It is easy to get 'sucked in' to a highly-competitive work environment.

I wouldn't suggest a counsellor or dramatic walk out, because this will just add to his stress and destroy his trust in you, his soulmate and confidant. Instead, you could try telling him that you love him, that you're worried about him, and asking him if he's happy at work. Just ask him questions and see if he'll come to the conclusion that his work is making him ill. Lead him to the water and see if he will drink.

It might pay to suggest an alternative arrangement and plant an idea in his head for a 'way out'. i.e, if you are able, could you suggest that you work for six months while he has six months home with the kids?

it sounds like over work, especially the waking early thing.

is there ANY chance of a long weekend or a week away? dh gets like this & our two week holiday got cut down to one week, then he nearly cancelled it 2 days before we left. we're on holiday now & he's working this evening! but i can live with that cos the stress has gone, he's working but when not at the laptop, he's him again.

when he gets too involved in work he loses all perspective - the tiniest thing makes him plunge into deep despair, he gets v cross etc etc.

i think his comments about family life are just a sign that he doesn't have time/emotion left over for the family.

if it were a short term situation, i would say grit your teeth & get through it, but if it's long term, you need to find a solution.

my dh has been like this with every job, and now, in his 40s, is beginning to see that part of the problem is him, not just the job. he is seriously looking at 'downsizing' as he has decided that work isn't the be all and end all of life.

could you draw up a 'probable effects' list for your dh.

e.g. if you split, probably, he'll end up in a much smaller, less nice place, having to take MORE time off work to see his kids, as you wouldn't be at home when he has them, he'd have less money etc.
if you stay together & he stays in this job,
or if you stay together & he looks to 'downsize' his job.

immense pressure is put on people to succeed before a certain age, but if you have a young family, it may be worth 'marking time' for a while & look to build a career later.

what are the options of you getting a job? if you have more financial security due to 2 incomes, would that make him feel less pressure?

Hi I am back, couldn't be bothered with name change this time, I was 'Whyhaseverythingchanged'.

DH told be he didn't want to be with me, just wasn't feeling us at all. Said that if there was a flat above work he would live there instead. Work is his family now. He says he hates that we are so distant but doesn't have the time to put into 'Us'. We are at Relate on Tuesday. He says kids are really difficult, that he hates hurting me but would rather give up on us than work, that I have it in my head that it is all about work but that it is not, That he doesn't want me to be a single mother but what would change? I have painted a picture of what life would be like apart, I have tried to be perfect and win him back I have sometimes been strong and thought I could cope without him. I go up and down emotionally. What I really want is for him to want me and us again! Some evenings are good, he still loves our sex, he cuddles me every night he hates seeing me cry, he hates hurting me, but he doesn't want to be here.

Sorry I know this post doesn't really make sense, but I can't think logically at the mo, don't know what I am looking for posting again but it is nice getting it down out of my head.

I do work, I set up my own business when times were hard and my parents became bankrupt, we helped them thru it but got landed with a lot of debt. I earn some months as much as my dh and it has really helped, however he hates that I work with the help of my parents after, 'the mess they got us in', (my parents have helped us all the time we have been together) so I have asked them not to help and they leave in October, I have also put the house on the market and hope to pay off the debt and move into a 'lesser' house to ease the pressure.

It is all me though, I am making drastic changes but I, as he says, have never done anything wrong and am perfect.

I am lost, I am lonely, I am angry, I am confused.

I haven't checked the post so excuse spelling, grammar and lack of clarity and general 'readability'.

Thanks me