Regretting ending a relationship and general confusion (long).

[garageflower]

Hello ,

I am a fairly long-time lurker and could really do with some female advice, especially as I think I really am boring my friends to death, (not that I want to bore you guys either).

Will try not to waffle too much

From 2002 to last Summer, I was in a long-term relationship which I ended due to being taken for granted, partner (let's call him Mr A) not being responsible and generally feeling that my life really was not being enriched in anyway by the relationship and was being held back. I lost a lot of money, career and travel opportunities but had hung on for the fact that I loved him and was sure it would all work out and not have been for nothing.

But, it was almost like I was his mother and while we loved each other very much and had a lot of fun together and affection for each other, something had to give. We broke up and he was devastated. He begged for another chance but I just felt so drained from the relationship that I just couldn't do it - my respect for him had drained away.

Then.....I met someone new, a really lovely guy in many ways (Mr B) and most significantly (I now realise) his plus points were the exact points that the ex had as minuses (new boy was sensible, responsible, intellectual). (I don't mean to make this sound mathematical but I have thought about this for so long it's hard not to). And Mr B's negatives happened to be the Mr A's plus points (Mr A was very anti-social, which he put down to partly having an anxiety issue but refused to seek help with, and also admitted he was fairly selfish and didn't have a lot of interest in meeting my friends, family etc. completely different interests.

Anyway, after the honeymoon period with Mr B was over, I started to really miss Mr A. I am fairly sure this was normal as we had been together for so long but it got to the stage where I couldn't continue with Mr B as I just did not feel the connection I had with Mr A and I was really worried I was with him for the wrong reasons. Although I enjoyed sex with him, I wasn't even sure if I was attracted to him.

In the meantime, because of our financial situation, I had to maintain some contact with Mr A throughout the new relationship. Mr B was fully aware of this but I don't think he appreciated that going through a break-up after so long was hard for me (he was fairly naive and inexperienced in relationships and couldn't see why I would feel sentimental when he was such a better choice on paper.

So, I ended things with Mr B after really feeling that my heart wasn't in it and being honest that I wasn't over Mr A. He was heartbroken as we had, at this point been together for almost a year and he had made it clear that he intended to marry me.

So, three months down the line, I should be happy. I am surely where I wanted to be? Both men apparently were not the right person for me, I have plenty of friends, a loving family and feel reasonably confident in myself. So why can I not stop thinking about Mr B. He is in my dreams every night, I think about him constantly all day and imagine we're still together. I feel sick thinking about him being with anyone else and yet the whole time we were together, I felt that he adored me and I was just fond of him.

My friends tell me that many people feel like this when they've hurt someone, particularly when it's been more complicated than hoped and that I'm just craving the security that Mr B provided and forgetting all of the reasons I wasn't completely happy with him. I realise this sounds horribly pathetic and I am almost 30 (could this be a factor?) but I suppose I just want to talk and to hear other people's experiences of initiating break-ups

My friends have also said that I should not contact Mr B as it will be unfair to him and I will more than likely break his heart again later (that is if he would even want me back). I have stuck to that so far, and I suppose I need to know how much my feelings now are based upon sentimentality and guilt or a genuine epiphany. The break-up wasn't pretty and perhaps I feel a sense of unresolved issue, plus I know I REALLY broke his heart for no real tangible reason that he can see.

What I don't want to do is contact him unless I'm sure of my feelings - how do I get to that stage?? I must add, I am a softie and I think that probably makes me far more indecisive than I need to be at this stage.

I am terrified that I have finally fallen in love with him and left it far too late

Sorry it's so long, I just cannot condense!

Slightly confused - you didn't go back to Mr A did you?? Assuming not.

I think you're doing exactly the right thing by NOT contacting Mr B. He wasn't right for you at the time or you wouldn't have ended it, don't try and revisit this now or you'll end up in a real mess. Let him move on, it's the kindest thing to do if you have even the slightest doubt. What's to say he would actually want you back now anyway if you broke his heart and things ended so messily?

Ime it's totally normal to miss things about previous relationships without wanting the person back. My ex could be vile but he was also one of the funniest people I knew and had lots of good qualities. I miss those but not the whole relationship iyswim. I'd keep moving forward if I were you. Mr C might be somewhere on the horizon..!

I might have worked this out wrong, but it sounds to me like there wasn't mich time between your relationship with Mr A ending and the new one with Mr B beginning?

If that is the case, then you might find that what you are doing now is getting over BOTH relationships. And getting used to being on your own.

I agree, don't contact Mr B. If you give yourself a bit of time you'll probably find that when you meet Mr C you'll really realise that neither Mr A or Mr B were right for you!

Poor old you...

Maybe I'm wrong, but I dont think you can 'fall in love' with someone when you're no longer with them. I do think you can 'fall in love with the good bits of your relationship with them whilst blotting out the other bits' or 'be wistful that a relationship has ended and think about it a lot'. Got the t-shirt for both of those myself!

Take your time to get over both of these relationships, and most of all forgive yourself for ending them and the upset caused. You did what was in Mr A and Mr B's best interests for their longer term happiness. Oh and yours too of course. Be kind to yourself, dont contact Mr B and recover slowly from your emotional battering.

And finally - look forward to Mr C

Thanks for your replies, people.

I'm starting to think that I must be particularly bad at letting people go and am very sentimental.

I just don't think I appreciated Mr B at the time, because I hadn't been single for long enough and just missed Mr A. That's why I'm worried that he is someone I am supposed to be with, it was just not the right timing back then.

Really wasn't expecting this wave of pining to come along for him and am very unsure of what to do with it - it's almost like I felt responsible for Mr A still so didn't let Mr B have a fair chance really.

Anyway, the answers do make sense - it's just hard to reject someone who loves and and you really really like. I suppose I'm feeling a bit like Mr C won't come along and I have let the right one slip away, but I don't want to focus too much on men as I know they're not the be all and end all.

I just didn't expect to feel so low and confused

Garageflower,

Don't worry, I'm worse than you at hanging on to relationships that are over, missing the good times and forgetting about the very sensible reasons why we split up.

Beethoven,

Thank you - how do you deal with it? It's torture isn't it? I have googled him, stalked him on Facebook as he has a public profile and seems to direct statuses at me and I talk about him non-stop.

When I was with him I just didn't appreciate him. And he is a great guy and really looked after me and was special. I just feel like I threw him away.

Agree with your earlier replies above. It's not unusual to choose a partner for how they differ from their predecessor, or to pine for an ex, no matter how 'wrong' they were.

If B had been an ideal fit for you, you'd have known it I think. Relationship B was probably more about B being "not like A", as you didn't have much time to process the end of breakup A.

I'm with your friends. Don't go back to either of them, but use this space to think about what was good in both relationships - as well as what you don't want to repeat. Then you'll be in a better place to take Mr C for what he is (rather than who he isn't!)

I find writing, like a diary or an essay (probably sounds crazy) quite a therapeutic way of sorting my thoughts out, and why it wasn't right.

The thought that often consoles me as well is that people have to make choices one way or the other (split or commit) and you can't have both. If he wasn't right, splitting was best for you and him.

It's Grace - thank you, it is reassuring to know that there is a rational explanation for my second relationship and why I kept it going. I wasn't looking for Mr B but when he came along and basically made me feel secure, financially and emotionally, I held on for dear life!

Plus, I am really dreading turning 30 especially as my life is generally unsorted and I suppose Mr B ticked all the boxes for the stupid 'will I ever get married' type worries that I am ashamed to admit I get.

Gah - I wish I could be like Samantha in SATC.

Garage, I wouldn't worry about being 30, life's not a race, think of all the people who are older and in miserable relationships (you've the chance to find the right one now) - you're young, smart (you used the word intellectual in your OP), no need to worry.

Garageflower, "he is a great guy and really looked after me and was special" = what he does

What you're not saying is "I love him and miss him and can't imagine a future without him" = how you were together

He was a great guy but you weren't in love with him, or at least, not enough to stay with him.

If I have learned one thing in my long and chaotic relationship history it is this - it it doesn't FEEL right, it ISN'T right. You must trust your inner wisdom and not over intellectualise.
If MrB was right for you, you wouldn't be having all this uncertainty. Listen to your inner guru, she knows you better than you.

I love the idea of an inner guru - yes, I am 90& sure that it wasn't right.

I wish I had the benefit of having been single long enough to be sure that my feelings for Mr A weren't the main reason for it not feeling right with Mr B but I wasn't and even then, I have heard about love and I'm sure it feels more 'wow' than it did?

Beethoven - the essay idea is one I've dabbled with in the past and certainly not crazy. I might start saying 'intellectual' more often - perhaps I'll get a pay rise

Thanks guys - anyone have any similar tales they wish to tell? I really am in a ponderous mood today.

Okay, you asked but it might be a bit of a long story! Mine is kind of the inverse of yours.

I spent four years with and ended up marrying (briefly) Mr Safe. He adored me etc, etc, but after eight months of marriage I knew I couldn't stay as being married to someone I (now realised) I didn't love, but saw as safe option, meant I'd have to live a lie for the rest of my life.

Cue Mr Fun-but-impractical. Total opposite of Mr Safe. We got together very quickly, fab in bed, travelled a lot, but no sense of responsibility. Broke up with him and wondered for months whether I'd done the right thing. But then I got together with DH who, in fact, I'd known for a couple of years.

I did love Mr Fun, but immediately DH and I were together, I knew DH was the right one for me. With Mr Fun, and Mr Safe, I had always been asking questions of myself and thinking things like "well, he doesn't do XXX and doesn't want to but people work these things out...").
I always thought people were lying when they said "Oh, I just knew" about the love of their life, but with DH, I "just knew". We argue of course, and we have shared and different interests, but the difference in this relationship is that, well, I love him utterly. Married for two years with DC1 on the way and couldn't be happier.

Not sure if that helps or not but, when you do meet Mr C, you will know, without having to assess every part of the relationship/his personality.

Comtessa, that is incredibly helpful

I really like this bit, "With Mr Fun, and Mr Safe, I had always been asking questions of myself and thinking things like "well, he doesn't do XXX and doesn't want to but people work these things out...")."

I had a lot of instances where I felt like this with Mr Safe/Mr B, mainly to do with him not wanting to socialise and him not really wanting to deal with his anxiety and me not feeling strong enough to push it. My mum actually said that I needed someone I didn't have to fix, for once and she was probably correct.

I know there is no such thing as Mr Perfect, but I think the fact that I was so intolerant of Mr B's flaws is telling.

Wish I could get rid of the sick, churning feeling I have in my stomach but I really believe it is guilt in that with hindsight, I think I knew we were not going to last, but I went a long with it and let him fall for me. I think I hate myself for that, rightly so and am struggling to know that someone who loved me is now hurt and has zero respect for me.

This will pass, won't it?

Thanks Comtessa

It will pass. It will get beyond the pass and to a stage where you will look back and cringe. Move forwards and do not dwell too much on the past. You've got all of your young life ahead of you with the added bonus that you will learn from your mistakes.

You strike me as a clever, caring person. You need to love yourself now. Good luck.

i think you might be missing the safety of being with Mr B and what he represented - a secure future etc. rather than actually him.

Being single can be unnerving after being in long relationships which you have worked and worked at. And it can be hard to know what feels right for you as an individual after being used to viewing yourself as one half of a couple (going through this myself atm, and having the same worries about being 30 etc.!).

i think just sticking at being single for a bit will help you start to understand what feels right and what doesnt in a fella. it just needs a bit of time. like everything eh?

CelticFairy & Kallima - thank you, really nice posts!

It is definitely difficult to get used to being single as most of my friends are in settled relationships and I think the fact that Mr B was a few years younger made me a bit insecure, that I wasn't as young as I considered myself to be and most of his younger friends were soooooo much more sorted in their careers, homes etc.

I keep torturing myself thinking about his comments about how he would try to be more sociable in time but I just did not have the energy to wait - I wanted to feel the click which never came.

Plus, I know some relationships are slow-burners, but I never used to look at Mr B and just think 'phwoar', I have had crushes on people and thought that, I think it's important to feel attracted to them physically, well for me anyway. Definitely would have married him for all the wrong reasons.

Comtessa, do you mind me asking what prompted you to end the marriage with Mr Safe?

imo you need the phwoar factor - at least at the beginning. i have just split with my long term boyf, who offered me everything - security, fun, nice life etc. but i never looked at him and thought wow, i reeeeally fancy you, and after a few years this translated into not really wanting sex and developing crushes on other men. which i think is a pretty big sign.

Are you me?!

Seriously, I could have written that word for word. Only I am still with "Mr B" and wondering what on earth to do....

Cumbria - do you mean you could have written my post word for word?

What's your story?

Isn't it funny how common this seems to be??

You're welcome, garageflower.

Re. Ending the relationship with Mr Safe. I was turning into an insomniac, I couldn't spend enough time away from home. He wasn't a bad man, bit insensitive but no abuse of any sort. I had never fancied him, other that thinking that he had a nice upper body.
Ten months after we married, I made the conscious decision not to sleep with him any more. I didn't tell him, but he didn't comment on the fact we no longer had sex.
Basically, I'd fallen into the trap of thinking that friendship is a good basis for a marriage. It's not. Friendship is friendship, marriage is marriage.

I wasn't any good at talking about it, I just pretended to my friends and family that everything was fine, so it's difficult to piece together the different steps. But I think what it boiled down to is, pre-marriage I was thinking: This is fine, people settle for things in relationships, Mr Safe is a good man and he wants to marry me, therefore I should. There weren't enough reasons to say no. But what I completely missed, is that there wasn't a good enough reason to say yes. A good saying I later heard is: Don't get married just because you can live with them, only marry if you can't live without them.

Long and waffly, apologies.

I like that saying, yes, I think that definitely applies to me. Was worried I had got my priorities wrong and perhaps I should be more practical in my thinking but it's not fair on him. I don't think I've ever felt like that about anyone since my first boyfriend at 16 - ooops, I have a lot to do!

In fact, there is someone I work with who really gives me that 'phwoar' factor. Doesn't happen to me often but he isn't available anyway - so I suppose I have to assume that someone else will come along too and preferably while I'm fertile

(Sorry, am going on a bit but quiet afternoon at work!) Since leaving Mr Safe I've got better at trusting my instincts, something which I'd been smothering for the time I was with him. IMHO, if you're consciously making the practical or sensible choice, it means that you don't really want to do it, but you feel that you should because of X, Y or Z. Good grief I even had to try and work out what my favourite colour was after I'd left Mr Safe as I had just lost myself so much! It does get better, I promise.

Thanks Comtessa - keep it coming!

Is it normal to suddenly start fancing Mr B/Safe a lot more than you ever did when you were with him? He keeps appearing in fantasies.....