new relationship - not sure whats going on

[tangtastic]

have been spending time with someone for about 7 weeks now. We see each other at least once a week. have great sex. Phone/text a lot in between. ( constantly throughout the day)

neither of us was paticulary sure we wanted to be in a relationship but mentioned that we would be happy with something casual.

Hes just stayed over for 2 nights as he is painting his bedroom and is avoiding the fumes. I did offer, but didnt expect him to take me up on it. First night was lots and lots of sex, breakfast in bed. which was great... But it was him leaving stuff at mine.. toothbrush, bag, clothes, watch/money on my chest of drawers..... Text midday.. have you seen my wallet... ( me, yes, its ont the side!)
Then last night he stayed again, but we were both knackered.. so went to bed early, watched tv in bed and fell asleep snuggling... had sex this morning though.

Lots of laughing and giggling about how people sleep.. then he farted!!! he never farted in front of me before... it was funny.

But it just doesnt seem quite so casual anymore.

Dont say talk to him - i will have to. Just wondered what other people thought.

If he has just painted his then I can understand why he stayed over. Perhaps he feels very comfortable with you and as you said he could stay, he now feels that was an indication that you were ready for the next stage?

However if you feel this is moving to fast and want a little space, I would talk to him to be honest (sorry)

I think it is worth ironing things out anyway on how you feel about him leaving items at yours, boundaries etc. Have a chat with him and also explain any anxiousness you have.

hes taken stuff back today. it was only for a few days.

its the not having sex last night and snuggling. he pulled me close and was doing the manly arm around me thingy.....

its just - it was meant to be casual. Snuggling and leaving stuff...?????!???!??!?!?

What do you want? You are entitled to make decisions too, you know just because he seems keen to move things along quickly doesn;t mean you have to accept it if you don't want to.

As with a lot of dating behaviours, what's exciting and endearing and romantic when you like and fancy the person, is unsettling, stalky and offputting when you don't.

My bf has just started leaving a few things at my place and it did feel weird as first.
He is very discrete and bags everything up and puts it in a cupboard, so in case anyone visiting needs the bathroom they don't see it all. Only a couple of close friends know about him as it is early days and we certainly don't need stbexh finding out.
I would explain how it makes you feel if you are so worried about it.

Hello again! I don't see anything serious here, it is still very casual. Of course he left stuff at yours during the day, was he meant to drag all his possessions from yours, into work, then back again?

Snuggling is to be expected on a sleepover date, isn't it?

Signs it's progressing (and I know you're going to say that you're happy with it all casual but I secretly suspect you'd like more, and there's nothing wrong with that!, but I know you will deny it so I'll just chunter on anyway and you can just ignore me) would be:

• He introduces you to family & friends;
• He says ILY;
• He buys you presents or does things for you;
• He takes you OUT, not just DVD/sex dates;
• He introduces you to people as his GF;
• He tells you he wants to be with you a lot, opens up about how he feels, talks about the future (although that can be misleading as they all do that a bit), etc.

Have you read Why Men Love Bitches? It's such a funny, wise book. It'd clarify all of this.

No - i really dont want anything more than casual. I know im not ready for it. At ALL.

So its reassuring that you say thats still casual.

The putting things on my bedside cabinet, and toothbrush in my bathroom actually freaked me out. I did sort of say something... he laughed and said i was very terretorial. Which i am. I just didnt realise maybe how much.

it was the snuggling and no sex last night.. thats made me feel odd. had it been post sex snuggling thats differernt. But it was snuggling with no sex....

I think it's nice that he's snuggling you!
Did he stroke your hair and whisper smoochy stuff?

If you say to him, "This was meant only to be a casual thing and now you seem to getting a bit too serious for my liking, back off", you know he'll get really keen on you, don't you? So don't bring it up unless you want him to be mad about you.

i see my casual shag approx once a week. we do snuggling and stuff when he's over, hold hands and we also text between dates a bit (occasionally flirty, friendly catch-up type texts). however i absolutely know that this is not going to turn into anything and that all this behaviour between us is nothing more than a bit of shared intimacy between 2 people who like each other and fancy each other. but that is it. just 2 people who like to be close and then bugger off and do their own thing afterwards.

i think what you have to be careful of is him acting like a boyf, and taking what HE needs from you..and then once you're hooked turning round and saying 'but it was only casual'... leaving you bolloxsed.

oh but he texts all the time. from work, if he is out with his friends.. when he gets home. or he calls.

it just bothers me that he might think its more?? or wants more? and im not sure i can give it. it freaks me out.

yes - he did stoke my hair... lots of cuddling in the night... told me i should go to the doctor as my eye was hurting and i keep itching it ( actually noticed it was a bit red) ex husband never showed any concern even when i had a superbug!!!

are you worried that if you tell him you cant give more than casual, he might decide not to continue?

Who are ya kidding? If YOU wanted it to stay casual.. you wouldn't answer all his texts while he's at work.. out with his friends.. when he gets home

You wouldn't be obsessing about where he left his wallet

You wouldn't scrutinize the 'cuddling'

Tangtastic and cuddler up a tree....

oi!!!!!

Its just because it feels ( to me, at least) thats its drifting into not so casual territory.

And im not entirely sure how i feel about that - other than panicked.

it is??? i dont think my ex ever did that in eleven years. Ever.

i shall not worry then.

i know. its warped.

hair stroking to me - is more intimate than sex.

Weird but true.

I kind of understand the op's PV myself. It's unsettling when someone who initially seemed like a pleasant friend-wtih-benefits starts seeming to want more than is on offer. Remember, it's perfectly OK not to want a couple-relationship. They are not compulsory. Though here's the way to be clear about casual/non-casual. Have either of you discussed whether or not you are having sex with other people? Do you want to do that? How do you feel about him doing that?
Sort out what you feel first then bring it up with him as a less naff Cosmo-speak way of introducing the topic than 'Let's talk aobut Our Relationship'. But do bera in mind, all the time, that if he turns out to want more than a casual relationship and you do not, you are NOT in any way obliged to let him have more of a relationship with you than you would like. You haven't lied to him. His feelings are his problem and you are not responsible for them.

Sorry to interrupt, but I am reading this thread with interest.

Please can someone explain to me where or when somthing casual becomes something serious? Is it always after a conversation? Is the term "girlfriend" always needed?

I ask because I am quite newly back in the land of singledom and have recently made a huge c*ck up over exactly this sort of thing!

feedmenow.

That would be very helpful to know. Never in my life have i ever had a conversation about 'what' the relationship was.

Its just sort of happened - or assumed i supose. But then maybe it was easier when you were younger. More often than not, you pulled, you snogged.. you saw them again.. you snogged... they were your boyfriend.

i think its a common problem with people dating after not having dated for such a long time. You just dont know this stuff anymore.

But we did say casual from the start. Im just wondering if thats changing?? and even if i do want it to change? or if he wants it to? or if its ok for it to??

basically i know nothing! not even what i want and really until i work out what i want i cant really say anything can i?

what huge cock up did you make?

Always after a conversation. You have no right to assume that you are the only one someone is dating or shagging unless they have specifically told you so, and if someone says right at the beginning that they are 'not looking for anything serious' either accept this or move on.

well in that case. im just going to go on the fact its casual and not worry or say anything. unless he brings it up. or i work out what i want.
because casual is fine for me atm

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks tangtastic is actually really into this man!

(And you didn't itch your eye, you scratched it. )