new relationship - not sure whats going on

[tangtastic]

have been spending time with someone for about 7 weeks now. We see each other at least once a week. have great sex. Phone/text a lot in between. ( constantly throughout the day)

neither of us was paticulary sure we wanted to be in a relationship but mentioned that we would be happy with something casual.

Hes just stayed over for 2 nights as he is painting his bedroom and is avoiding the fumes. I did offer, but didnt expect him to take me up on it. First night was lots and lots of sex, breakfast in bed. which was great... But it was him leaving stuff at mine.. toothbrush, bag, clothes, watch/money on my chest of drawers..... Text midday.. have you seen my wallet... ( me, yes, its ont the side!)
Then last night he stayed again, but we were both knackered.. so went to bed early, watched tv in bed and fell asleep snuggling... had sex this morning though.

Lots of laughing and giggling about how people sleep.. then he farted!!! he never farted in front of me before... it was funny.

But it just doesnt seem quite so casual anymore.

Dont say talk to him - i will have to. Just wondered what other people thought.

thats because hair stroking and snuggling IS more intimate than sex.

We have already had the ' we are not shagging anyone else' talk.

that was after the ' casual ' talk.

but nothing more has been said.

For me, there are two separate issues (or there were, last time I had sex, heh): The 'agreement' and my feelings.

The first part is where you have a STATED view on exclusivity. You really need to have this out, in words - it doesn't mean either of you is obliged to shag other people, it just clarifies your expectations of each other.

The feelings part is distressingly woolly and seems to be where you're at, tangtastic. If you FEEL you're becoming attached and you don't want to be ... you have to knock it on the head. Harsh but true; I've tripped over myself many times on this one.

What you've written suggests that you are involved, whether you want to admit it or not. You're in touch throughout the day, you're sleeping together and there is caring & intimacy in your relationship. In your case, this sounds like no bad thing at all. It's positively awful that you've not been used to gentleness in a relationship, and it's about time you enjoyed some!

I'm sure that's why this all feels weird to you. How about re-framing it as "taking things very slowly"? Stay territorial; that's v.healthy for someone in your position. Have the exclusivity convo. Enjoy the care & concern :)

"and if it's casual-then surely you should be going out and having fun? cinema? bars? meals out?"

YES YES YES

"you allow him to put his penis inside you!!!!! but stroking your hair?????"

YES!

This bloke is your FB.

yeah - he might think i was a bit nuts. But he already knows a few of my quirks. because its all casual.. ( and therefore not important) i kind of didnt have a filter on any behaviour... so have just been 100% myself. you know the yourself you maybe dont show until you REALLY know someone... weird quirks and all.

no.

hes not.

He's her fuckbuddy. Stay-in DVD/shag dates, no flowers, presents or talk of the future = FB. Being taken out and shown off on fun, planned dates, meeting friends and going along to things together = BF.

fuckbuddy/casual is fine.

not sure im really liking the whole '' Being taken out and shown off'' that you have said beautiful.

In any case, i do not, and will not belong to anyone for them to show me off to anyone. In fact that leaves me cold.

tangtastic - not long ago I started a thread about a man I'd met who seemed to want too much from me in relationship terms than I thought I could give, as I am just 10 months out of a 26 year relationship.

I put up many barriers and told myself I couldn't get involved and found the attention he was giving me a bit scary. My ex was never very attentive.

A couple of weeks later and we have had a few days away together, he has stayed at my place the last three nights and I'm changing my mind about the relationship. He is a lovely caring man and I do fancy him like mad. People grow on you and so do relationships.

Stop overthinking it, I did and am having a great time for the first time in years. Enjoy the attention, have fun but make sure you are clear about your boundaries, even as they change.

Tang, only just come back on!

My cock up was that I listened to other people telling me what something was, IYSWIM!

I had a FB. Then he asked me to go to the cinema with him. Then we went to a pub with friends of mine. He'd come round with things sometimes - easter egg, bottle of wine, etc. We had lots of hair stroking and cuddling. he even came to a house party of friends of mine. We texted or facebooked numerous times a day. Lots of my friends started saying he was my boyfriend and it was more than just fuck-buddies. And then I started to believe them and analyse his actions. And then I got really attached. And then it turned out that for him it was still just fun and casual.

So now I have no idea! I read it wrong and everyone around me read it wrong. So now I have no idea what sort of actions indicate an attachment or not!

feed - oh, thats rubbish. Im sorry for you.
But im sure most people would say that is boyfriend type behaviour.

Thats whats so confusing isnt it.

Maybe its as OP says, and you do need to have the conversation...

im presuming you must have done at some point? what did you say? and then what did he say? are you still FB's?

No, we never had the conversation. I said a few things about the future, like "depends how long you're going to be around" and stuff, and he always indicated it would be a while. I even said that about my children - if you're going to be hanging around then would you like to meet my children?". Whcih he thought about and then did!

He is no longer my FB. Too difficult seeing as I felt more attached/involved. We are friends on Facebook, though, which I hate.

actually thats rather mean of him to say he wanted to meet your children when he wanted it to be casual/fun.

delete him off facebook.

Do you think? I did when we first stopped being FB's but we met up a month or so olater (for him to get his stuff) and had a chat and then he re-invited me and I accepted because I was trying to be grown up about it.

What I really want to do is tell him that I think he was out of order and unfair but too much time has gone by and I don't want to look like a complete crazy lady who is obsessive and stalkerish!

This is why I need to understand stuff about casual/serious relationships because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing!!!!!

If I were you I'd fucking chill out and stop thinking about yourself all the time.

Here's a summary of your posts:

I I I I I me I I'm I am I I I'm I snuggling arm I I I I I'm I Facebook I I I'm I

Feedmenow - the thing was, he came to things you invited him to. You have to look at the things he invites you to. If he invites you to a party, that's great but quite neutral. If he invites you to meet his close friends for dinner/drinks, that's great. If he asks you to meet his parents, he's either in love with you or he's just the type who does this - my brother and my ex-hub ask girls over to meet their Mums within days and it never means anything.

Other signs it's serious - he will tell you it's serious! He won't talk about marriage or anything that might frighten you off (unlike playahs who will mention it on the 1st date practically), he'll be generous (if a man is counting the cost on a date with you, he's not mad about you), and he'll seem a bit nervous and eager-to-please around you.

He'll plan things in advance too. He won't be last-minute, unless it's to try to squeeze in another date inbetween the ones he's already booked-in. He will try to think of ways he can help you or be useful - ie, fix stuff for you, or help you decorate, or do stuff to your car, or help you find a new job, etc.

And yes, delete him from your Friends list. It's a headf*ck being Facebook friends with an e, or even a boyfriend, as you can't help yourself trawling through their photos and analysing their status updates to death. Been there! Delete him for your own state of mind and sod what he thinks. Next!

Gosh this thread has lifted a weight off my mind :)

Feedmenow if you delete him from facebook he probably won't even notice - nothing tells you that someone has deleted you. Unless he is checking your rofile daily of course!

The thing is, in the early stages, someone can genuinely be quite keen but, after a few more dates, something will make them realise that they do not, after all, want to commit to a longterm monogamous relationship with the other person. It's not the fault of the other person (well, not necessarily - sometimes someone you have been starting to really like will do or say something so appalling that you go right off the whole idea...) it just means that the relationship is not one that's going to progress, and people do (most definitely at the dating stage) have every right to change their minds and walk away. Nice people do it kindly and politely, stupid people pitch hissy fits when it's done to them and start stalking or at least complain bitterly to the departing partner that s/he 'led them on'.
Tang, on balance I would say just enjoy yourself with this bloke for the moment, don't rush into labelling it one thing or another, just go with the flow. If it turns out that one of you wants more than the other, deal with it if/when it happens. And if it never happens but you are both happy, then carry on being happy. Just don't take too much notice of people other than the man in question chipping in with their opinions of what relationships should be like.

Tantastic, I know exactly where your coming from having just read the whole thread.
I have just come out of a situation the same as yours...could be the same person!!!
I've had to end it totally this week.It started as casual, and I made that clear at the beginning, then he started leaving stuff at mine, texting, calling alot, wanting to stay over more, etc, etc eventually it turned into him talking about marraige, kids, future stuff!!!!! it lasted for ten months and it's now over which is a shame but some people just can't do casual, for whatever reason, even if they go along with it at first....sorry if rambling....i'm tired! hope this helps.