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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Depressed H?

45 replies

domeafavour · 09/08/2010 10:56

this is just not normal behaviour.And it's just getting worse.
He is stressed and tired, mainly from work and finances. Works too hard and long. Finances have been very tight, but just remortgaged house and he got a big pay rise.

here is the weekend.
So on Sat, we went to get him some new suits. We went to 3 shops that didn't have anything to fit him (he has huge shoulders, think Martin Johnson) Anyway he completely lost his patience, and we ended up giving up. then went for lunch, which he moaned all the way through, and was nearly crying,then he moaned about the traffic on the way home. then he had a big drama, cos he didn't like the video we were watching.
then yesterday he got up about 9, moaning and complaining about pain in his legs, like arthritic pain, but I mean moaning every second. then all of a sudden he was running around with DS?!!
so i sent him off for a massage, which he said worked wonders and then seemed ok.
then he manically cleaned all the garden furniture, then went out for a paper and came back in the worst mood, shouting at DS cos he threw some food(needed telling off, but not really shouting at)
then shouting at me for letting him too close to the couch(??)
he went in the other room, calmed down and apologised, admitting his irritability.

he is a mess, tbh i think he needs signing off work and going to Champneys for a week!!
This has been going on for months. And I am getting sick of trying to support him.
he is so negative, constantly angry and snappy and so easily irritated.
I just spent a couple of days with my parents and DS and it was so easy. Situations like getting DS and beach bags down to the beach would have sent DH into a spin.

OP posts:

hairytriangle · 09/08/2010 18:14

This doesn't sound at all like depression to me. He sounds stressed and irritated.

rwar · 09/08/2010 18:19

i don't know about depression but he sounds like bad company! I think DHs will never measure up to our parents, so that's probably an unfortunate comparison, making him seem even wore. You were nice to send him off for a massage, I wouldn't have done that!

Original poster

domeafavour · 09/08/2010 18:53

sorry, didn't really finish this off before, or explain properly. maybe I should have stressed that he keeps nearly bursting into tears. everything is too much trouble, too much of an effort, and everything is a HUGE drama.
there was a tiny mark on the carpet and you would have thought it was a whole bottle of red wine been spilt!!

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Original poster

domeafavour · 09/08/2010 21:32

So is he just being a wanker then??!!

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hairytriangle · 09/08/2010 23:20

really doesn't sound like depression at all. Why are you trying to find excuses for his behaviour?

Poshwellies · 09/08/2010 23:23

Hmmm

Simply stressed or bi polar.

The manic thing would trigger my worries.

Original poster

domeafavour · 10/08/2010 07:25

i'm not trying to find excuses, I think i'm trying to find reasons!!
TBH, I want to leave, but I don't know whether this comes under "in sickness and in health"
he doesn't do the manic thing that often, and I don't know enough about bi-polar, I would have thought it would be more bizarre or obvious.
He is like Jekyll and Hyde.
I just wish I could take all the stress out of his life and then see if he is better.

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brokendown · 10/08/2010 08:51

Does he have any other symptoms of depression? Eg, insomnia? Has he lost interest in hobbies etc? Even if he is depressed he may be very relucatant to accept that and may insist it is just stress. The difficulty in situations like this is that you can't "fix" things, he has to do that which is very frustrating if he won't accept there is a problem in the first place!

Original poster

domeafavour · 10/08/2010 09:19

He sleeps a lot! But them so would I, given the chance!

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hairytriangle · 10/08/2010 10:39

I held off from suggesting bipolar, as I know an awful lot about it, and my ex was bipolar - although it does sound like it could possibly be, but would need proper diagnosis.

Original poster

domeafavour · 10/08/2010 12:21

i just don't know
but not sure if i care
fantasize about having a life where i don't have to walk on eggshells in case he kicks off

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Original poster

domeafavour · 11/08/2010 08:22

he says he is taking a day off on Friday.
I hate the weekends. just waiting for a row

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Original poster

domeafavour · 11/08/2010 10:29

no-one cares

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Triggles · 15/08/2010 21:00

domeafavour - I truly know where you are coming from here. DH is moody, irritable, sleeps a lot! Some days I swear he is looking for an argument. But it is just not him, if that makes any sense. This is not what he is normally like. He has been very stressed over finances, his work, my health, and various other things that have cropped up recently. Every problem is a huge issue to him, and things that normally wouldn't have upset him seem to practically bring him to his knees. He used to be a very positive person, but now seems almost paranoid that things will always go wrong.

GP said he is suffering from depression and put him on medication, which has helped some, but 8 wks later, we're still waiting for the counselling referral, which means he's had no help in learning coping techniques or any discussion to help him from a counsellor. I'm just about ready to go park myself in front of the surgery and demand the GP push the counselling through right away, as I can see him slowly sinking. The GP did sign him off work for a couple weeks, but then he spends part of that time off worrying that his work will let him go if he misses too much due to this.

It's emotionally draining, and so difficult to support when he often takes it out on me (verbally only obviously or I wouldn't still be here). I try to be fair and let some of it go, choose my battles (so to speak), and often when he is on a more even keel he discusses things and makes the effort. I think the sleeping is a coping thing - when he reaches overload, he tends to want to sleep - better sleeping and mentally shutting down for a bit than going off and ranting at everyone.

I don't know what else to say other than "I hear ya!" and "I am right there too!"....it's not just you dealing with it...

GypsyMoth · 15/08/2010 21:08

is he like this with other people? work? family or friends??

or is it reserved just for you??

i wish people wouldnt call 'bi-polar' on threads like this. my dd's head of year said it was something i should think about when she was going through a rough patch in school....thread on here about it....and it scared me witless!! i was straight at the docs in a state asking for diagnosis....alot of cross health proffesionals had to calm me down,and reassure etc....that off the cuff remark from a 'teacher' caused alot of worry,and dd had nowhere near a bi polar problem in the end

Triggles · 15/08/2010 21:21

ILoveTIFFANY if you're asking me those questions - he struggles with it all the time, although he tries to maintain calm in public. On days where he is really struggling, we tend to stay away from the general public - although I have been trying to encourage physical activity such as walking or working on the garden to work off frustration and that does seem to help a small amount. I do see it more than most likely anyone else, but that's pretty much a no-brainer as we are married and live together. Also, I can tell when he's struggling when we're out and about, whereas someone else might not see it IFSWIM.

GypsyMoth · 15/08/2010 22:20

yes...can see where you're coming from.

i'd get him to the docs. would he go?

Triggles · 15/08/2010 22:30

He's been to the GP... most recent appointment was last Monday. The problem is that they are just throwing meds at him. He's waited 9 weeks now to see a counsellor, which I think is absolutely ridiculous. We've confirmed he's on their "list" to be contacted, but they're apparently very busy and will get to him "as soon as they can," according to the GP. In the meantime, our marriage takes a battering emotionally. Meds alone are not going to sort this out... he NEEDS counselling. I'm honestly just pulling out of PND myself, and this constant struggle to be supportive and still keep everything held together is incredibly difficult, especially with 2 little ones. If he hasn't heard from the counsellors this week, I am contacting the GP and telling her if they don't get him in for counselling NOW, that they're going to have to put us BOTH in counselling and on meds.

Mumfun · 15/08/2010 22:40

You arent going to like this. But my H was behaving very strangely -it felt like depression. Lots of behaviour that seemed to fit. Tried to get him to go to doctors. He was under lot of pressure at work too.

Well turned out he was having an affair -and had been for a while (sorry).

Triggles · 15/08/2010 23:07

Mumfun I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with that. I am absolutely certain that in our situation that it is not an affair. It is definitely depression in my husband's case. First of all, he's here - practically all the time. Absolutely no time to have an affair - nor does he have the energy to be honest! DH agreed to see the GP because he himself was worried about how he felt and after much discussion was concerned that he did indeed suffer from depression. As he does seem to be struggling so, but yet is still persisting in taking his medication and willing to go to counsellor (if the GP is correct and it does go through soon), I am willing to be as supportive as I can and stick by him. I don't wish to sound like someone that is blind to their DH's flaws or anything, but can honestly say that this is absolutely not due to an affair. I think this depression began around the time his father passed away last year and things just seemed to pile up on him - much like he had difficulty dealing with the grief and just lost the ability to cope with stress.

cestlavielife · 16/08/2010 00:06

domeafavour - my ex behaved like that. it got worse and more extreme - he did go into a mental health breakdown... your H needs to recognize the issues and go talk with GP - get him to book a double appointment so has time to talk about what is going on.

if he refuses to go to GP you need to start creating boundaries, decide what behaviour is ok and what isnt, sit him down and tell him you wont put up with moaning any more etc- give him option of finding outlet for his stress etc.

see how much you taking it on - eg you sent him for a massage...i know - i used to do this...you want to take away his stres etc... you can't. you justify because of his stress...well you both under the same stress right? he is an adult. you can support him yes but he has to find his way through... and not destroy you/your relationship in the process...

one couple i know, an ultimatum worked (the husband told me himself -"she said go see GP or she would leave..i went to GP and got meds and therapy..."

with my ex - well it was a time of just more extreme behaviour of what he was like, really - so no cure...but it took the major crisis to get me to realise... only you will know if this is "new" behaviour or part of his personality...

Triggles · 16/08/2010 00:17

cestlavielife I'm not domeafavour, but I have decided tonight that I do need to create some boundaries as this is really taking it's toll on me. I plan on sitting down with him tomorrow and we will hopefully sort some things out so that he understands that while I understand he has mental health issues right now, he needs to realise there are certain boundaries he cannot cross in this household to preserve my own sanity. I am still not 100% myself and it is important, I think, that I remember that I cannot shoulder responsibility for him when I am responsible for myself and our children as well. I've mentioned to him previously that, despite his illness, HE is responsible for his own behaviour and his reactions to situations... I think this needs to be underlined. I shouldn't have to talk him down IYSWIM.

kayah · 16/08/2010 00:29

when I was very, very stressed yoga helped me a lot

would he give it ago?

cestlavielife · 16/08/2010 00:29

triggles, yes good on you - there is a lot of good stuff on setting boundaries on the depression fallout site
and message board
www.depressionfallout.com/

it is getting the balance right - putting you (and your own MH) first and above all the dcs...they have no choice in this... there were times i didnt, i put his depresion first - and i regret that as in the long term it really made no difference to the outcome. his well- beng/cure /whatever was not dependent on what i did...(unless of coure in danger of e.g. suicide when the only response is to call 999)

it was a GP - when i went along for one of his appts - who at some point talked to me instead of him and said "and who is looking after you?" (it was the first time someone had made me stop and think as it had up til then been all about him...)

you need support for you, and it is really hard when you in the thick of it... but awareness is the first step.

seeing the NHS counsellor via the GP was helpful too.

Original poster

domeafavour · 17/08/2010 15:25

ooh, I've only just seen all these messages, thought the thread was dead.
thank you
Triggles, your DH sounds exactly the same.

Every problem is a huge issue to him, and things that normally wouldn't have upset him seem to practically bring him to his knees. He used to be a very positive person, but now seems almost paranoid that things will always go wrong
this is him exactly.
did you have your chat last night?

mine has been to the docs and talked about depression, first time he filled in a form and she suggested yoga! sorry kayah, i can see exactly where you are coming from, but no chance he is gonna do that.
2nd time, he went with physical ailments too, which were higher on the list, so they didn't get to the depression

just had a good weekend, lots of people around and very busy, and he coped ok. But he nearly lost it completely over a really simple parking issue! seriously I was open-mouthed but managed to bite my tongue. everytime he was a little bit short or tetchy he apologised.
Mumfun, I'm sorry your husband was having an affair.
I actually have another thread where I am very suspicious of DH, so maybe that's the simple answer.

I was going to sit down tonight and have a chat, but he has a lot of work to do!!

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