Depressed H?

[domeafavour]

this is just not normal behaviour.And it's just getting worse.
He is stressed and tired, mainly from work and finances. Works too hard and long. Finances have been very tight, but just remortgaged house and he got a big pay rise.

here is the weekend.
So on Sat, we went to get him some new suits. We went to 3 shops that didn't have anything to fit him (he has huge shoulders, think Martin Johnson) Anyway he completely lost his patience, and we ended up giving up. then went for lunch, which he moaned all the way through, and was nearly crying,then he moaned about the traffic on the way home. then he had a big drama, cos he didn't like the video we were watching.
then yesterday he got up about 9, moaning and complaining about pain in his legs, like arthritic pain, but I mean moaning every second. then all of a sudden he was running around with DS?!!
so i sent him off for a massage, which he said worked wonders and then seemed ok.
then he manically cleaned all the garden furniture, then went out for a paper and came back in the worst mood, shouting at DS cos he threw some food(needed telling off, but not really shouting at)
then shouting at me for letting him too close to the couch(??)
he went in the other room, calmed down and apologised, admitting his irritability.

he is a mess, tbh i think he needs signing off work and going to Champneys for a week!!
This has been going on for months. And I am getting sick of trying to support him.
he is so negative, constantly angry and snappy and so easily irritated.
I just spent a couple of days with my parents and DS and it was so easy. Situations like getting DS and beach bags down to the beach would have sent DH into a spin.

my exp was/is like this. If there were a speck of something on the carpet, it would be a huge deal and the hoover or carpet cleaner would be out!

It does just sound like he is very stressed.

domeafavour some of your posts on Weds 11th (only just managing to check back) ring alarm bells with me about potential mental health problems that are more complicated than straight forward depression.

They also ring bells because my ex had bipolar and the way you describe dreading his day off and hating the weekends really sounds like I was.

I think a visit to the GP would be a good idea.

and take gentle care of yourself - don't get too dragged in - I know how difficult it can be.

So at 5am this morning he was ranting about an email from two of his bosses, said he was going to resign. So worked up, he'd hardly slept all night cos of email.
Think it us a combination of him being stressed and not being able to cope with small things that most people wouldn't have a problem with. He has 2 weeks holiday booked, so counting down the days til then. If he doesn't improve when away from the office I will not be happy. Will try to get him to go back to gp. I hate hate hate this.

He's not depressed, he has lost it. Just had 2 hours of verbal abuse. He had a big row with a taxi driver, because he got in a cab without cash, and was furious with me for not having any cash at home. Why can't I get a job, I'm useless, threatened my family, called them cunts, told me that if I upset his mum, I will go down. Threatened to take ds away from me, they will give him to him as part of his rehabilitation. WTF? Who will?
He went out for drinks for 3 hours, he's a big guy he can drink, but he was making no sense whatsoever. I am in the spare room now. His mum is on a plane from aus, staying for a month.
I have no-where to go. I wish i had never married him.

How did he threaten your family? What did he mean by saying you "will go down"?
How do you get on with his mum? Are you close enough that you could chat? How do you feel about the next month while she's around?
Is there anywhere else you can stay with DS for a few nights if you need to?

Little sleep + 3 hours drinking = recipe or diaster as it is, but alarm bells are really ringing for me now too. I know only too well how difficult it is to have a sense of perspective when depressed but blaming you for things that can't possibly be your fault and the DS/rehab thing demonstrate a very concerning lack of grip on reality.

He does sounds as if he is having some kind of nervous breakdown. Can you contact his GP? If not, you should still contact your and arrange some support for you.

Sorry about all the questions - am very worried for you :( Please keep posting.

Very apologetic this morning, but I've heard it all before. Fundamentally he blames me for everything and is very resentful that I have it easy at home with ds. He is very stubborn and I cannot get this idea out of his head, the resentment will always be there. I am desperate to get a job for me, not to please him, but he can't understand this either.
His mother adores me, and knows exactly what he's like, she was horrified by his behaviour last visit. He's going to talk to this online counsellor today.
It's just a matter of time before I leave him. I don't have anywhere to go except family 200 miles away.

I've hardly slept, and ds gonna wake up any minute!
He is very threatened by my loving family, who have done everything they can to welcome him, even overlooking a heartbreaking incident last year, all of his making, he fell out with my brother in a big way.

Sounds like a horrible situation for you whether he is ill or not. Can you and DS go and stay with your family for a while to get a bit of breathing space?

I think he needs more than talking to an online counsellor to deal with whatever is going on with him. But it sounds like you've been having problems with him for a long time rather than this being a depression that is just now affecting him IYSWIM? Falling out with your brother last year. Was he nice at some point or has he always been like this?

I think depression or not it's not fair on you to put up with all this verbal abuse and resentment. He sounds horrible.

Sounds terrible for both of you.

I understand that your at the end of your tether now.

If its not too late, is there anyway that you could get him to list exactly what is stressing him so much and be specific.

If you could both sit down and try to find practical solutions as far as possible it may relieve the stress and for things that can't be resolved straight away then he just needs to accept that thats the situation for x amount of time?

It may seem simplistic and apologies if you've already done this.

I can't remember when it all went wrong.Just been trying to figure it out. I could date it to this job really, he was ok for the first year, and then I think it became too much for him.
He's always been a bit highly strung and a perfectionist but nothing like this.

I would go and stay with family, but mil turning up tomorrow, she is really coming to see DS, so he needs to be here.

he is horrible malinkey.

trapped- we can talk sensibly most of the time, we have made many suggestions, he doesn't help himself at all. e.g complains of being tired but never takes it easy on client nights out, and still makes plans during the week that mean he doesn't get to bed early.
He complains about piles of clothes in the way, I have asked him 50 times to go through this pile of old clothes and tell me what to throw out.

the really stupid thing is that he has acknowledged that if I get a job, there will be nothing stopping me from leaving him.
He knows I should leave him, he knows his behaviour is unacceptable, he wants to be a better person and I have been trying to help him for the last year, but there is only so long I can do it for.

"he wants to be a better person and I have been trying to help him for the last year, but there is only so long I can do it for"

The trouble is the only person who can help him be a better person is him. There isn't anything you can do.

His mental health is his own responsibility. Obviously if he is in any danger of hurting himself or others then you can get him help.

But if it isn't a mental health problem then really he's just a nob. It's not your fault.

You know you don't have to get a job to leave him. There are always ways and means. Sounds like you have a loving supportive family and I'm sure they wouldn't want you to stay in this situation. If things are so horrible you don't have to stay because MIL is turning up. Maybe she could go with you?

exactly malinkey, i think that's what i have to get through to him, he has to do it himself.
I have organised docs appts, got the phone numbers for physios etc
It's insane how much he relies on me.
to organise DS everytime we go out
to organise everything, to make sure he can find everything, to make sure his suits/shirts are cleaned.
I even have to be there if he has to pack for work trips.
FGS he is 41, he used to do all this stuff without me.

yes, i could leave him without a job, i could go and stay with family.I have done it recently and i will if nothing improves. I dreamt last night that my mum came and found me in the bathroom sobbing, and said right thats it pack your bags now, lets go.
If I leave it will get messy,maybe horribly so, if he stays in his Jekyll and Hyde mode. unless I try my best to do it amicably.

Not sure Mil would come with me, he is her son after all, and it would look like complete desertion.
It does feel like some kind of breakdown, the crying, the unreasonableness, the inability to see any other pov. It feels like he has lost it, but putting on a front.
but yes he could just be a nob!

tonight he will come home and cry and apologise, until the next stressful thing sends him over the edge.last night was triggered by not having enough money for the taxi.
the financial stress has been stupid, but remortgage monies are due any day now, and today is payday!

It sounds like you've taken on a lot of responsibility for him. You said 'have to' a lot in your last post.

You don't "have to get through to him, he has to do it himself". Just tell him and then leave him to it. It's up to him then.

Please don't stay in this situation if you want to leave just because you are worried it will get messy if you leave. The thing is even if you try your best to do it amicably, doesn't mean he will join in.

If you are scared of him or his behaviour please contact Women's Aid.

Maybe MIL can persuade him to seek help. But maybe you leaving, even if temporarily, will actually spur him into action.

If he does cry and apologise tonight could you maybe give him an ultimatum and say if he ever does x, y, z again then you will leave?

Sorry if I'm being over the top but it just sounds such a miserable situation to be in and you sound like you feel you're trapped.

thank you
not being over the top at all
I have womens aid's number and I have spoken to CAB before.
I am trapped to a degree, but not insurmountable. I do have family, I can move out, we can sell the house if needs be.
Ideally I would get a job, get the funds for deposit, move out, then we could sell the house and both buy something. I did have a very well paid job, and the jobs I have been interviewing for are more money than I dreamed of. (not that I have a job yet!)
If I leave him, I want to leave this house too.

well the mortgage monies just come through!!
might take all the money and run

this was such a hurdle, we knew if we made it to here, the financial stress would be lifted.
one day too late!

Away and get yourself a bottle of wine then y ou can throw the empty bottle at him later .

Right, gonna give him a month, to sort his issues out, to get some professional help. I don't expect it all to be better, but I expect improvement.

Not to be discouraging, but this month is going to be very different compared to when his mother leaves.
It's also a very long time to be living with someone behaving like this. What about help and support for you in the meantime?

How was last night? Did you talk to him about it or is this deadline just for you? Do you think the money will make a difference?

During this month he has his 2 weeks holiday which could be a big indication of how much effect the job stress has. And we have a short break in cornwall booked. He will also have the time to sort out proper professional help. And the money situation is sorted and the house renovations are finished. So the so called stress triggers have been eliminated. Now it's all up to him. Yes we talked and he knows he has to change, but he was doing so much better, really trying not to let things get to him, until the blow up on Thursday. But I can't live the rest of my life hoping that nothing willstress him out, he has to learn how to deal with it.
I am going to go to parents for a couple of days in the middle of it. Which means a bit of a break for me cos my mum is supergrandma!!

Sounds like you'll know where things stand then. A good idea to have a deadline to see how things go and yes, it will be interesting to see what happens when the stress triggers aren't there.

Good luck, I really hope he manages to sort himself out and you can work through this.