Dating/meeting men, internet dating, whatever: I feel lost with the whole thing.

[DivineInspiration]

I've had a go at internet dating recently, and I'm just finding it all a bit overwhelming. I don't really have a 'type' - my past DPs have looked completely different, had completely different interests, completely different personalities, done completely different jobs etc. I dunno how to delve through what seems like a torrent of faces. I've seen some profiles I liked, and pictures I thought were attractive, but nothing that makes me need to message somebody. Is this the wrong way to think?! I have the attitude that I have nothing to lose, but I'm still floundering.

I've had a few dates with a man I really liked, but he said the other night that he's had dates with a couple of women and needs time to get his head around what to do next before things get any more serious so he doesn't mislead me. Which was very good of him, all considering, but ultimately means he doesn't want to see me again I guess! I've never really come first with anybody, which is probably why I'm a bit more disappointed about this man than I should be - he was nice and I know he won't 'choose' me to see again.

I don't really have that many options outside of internet dating - I work long hours so don't have a lot of time, I don't particularly enjoy clubbing and pubbing, small circle of close friends so not much new blood, and most of the hobbies I do have time for aren't really prime meeting-new-men territory - gym, book club, am a member of a couple of museums and go to talks and seminars quite regularly. Not exactly social, though.

How does it all work?! How do I do this? I feel like I'll be single forever, really I do!

How old are you and do you have DCs?

It sounds to me as though you need to take a complete break from even thinking about dating and work on your self esteem....if you are truly happy being single I think it's much easier to take the whole dating scene with a pinch of salt and enjoy the fun side of it without getting too emotionally involved.

Internet dating can be pretty "cut throat" for want of a better description and unless you are feeling strong enough to deal with the knock backs, you might find it devastating.

I think some people on internet dating sites regard the people on it as disposable, it's like window shopping....

Maybe I'm way off beam, but that's the feeling I get from your post.

I'm going to watch this with interest as I'm planning on delving into internet dating soon but a bit daunted. I too feel like I will be single forever!

I'm 28, no DC.

My self-esteem is actually pretty good - I know it doesn't sound like it in the bit I say I've never come first with anyone, but that was sort of to qualify feeling irrationally disappointed about this particular man. In that I've also had a couple of dates with a couple of other men, but didn't feel like we really hit it off. And backstory is that he seemed really really keen, kept saying how he really liked me, he couldn't wait to see me again, so sort of threw me a bit when he said what he did.

It's the feeling daunted by the sheer volume of the whole thing that I'm struggling with most. PSM, you may find it less daunting than I do, I have friends who've done the internet dating thing and had a lot of fun.

I wonder which sites you use? Some are better than others. EG if I was doing it, I'd go for the Guardian or the Times and not Match or similar.

I agree it is very hard to pick someone from a profile as it's all about chemistry.

Maybe it's just not for you. You could use it as a means ot make new friends and then they have friends...instead of looking for the perfect Mr Right.

All the things you mention doing, are places where you could meet men.

Someoene once told me about a book- by Dr Henry Cloud which is a "program" on meeting men, to get you seeing opportunities anywhere, and making yourself more receptive.
Maybe you also have to think of widening your social net to include singles holidays (I odn't mean 18-30, was thinking more of Exodus) and groups for singles that aren't dating groups, such as Nexus.
Sorry about the guy you really liked- they talk out of their arses sometimes!

How many dates did you have with that man who sounded keen but then went off the boil?

I've tried the Guardian and the London Review of Books, also Plenty of Fish. I did have a glance at the idea of a singles retreat thingy but I've never been one for package holidays - this is how antisocial I am, I usually go on holiday on my own, usually to somewhere cold and far away, in Russia, in mid-winter So I'm sort of independent and maybe a bit feral, but I do get lonely as well and it would be nice to be in a relationship again. I'm not expecting to meet The One and get some lightening bolt Damascene conversion (that would be nice though too, I guess), and I'm wholly expecting (and hoping) to see a few people and just enjoy the experience - which is why I'm finding it frustrating not being able to get over this whole feeling overwhelmed and a bit lost and not feeling inspired to contact profiles. Argh!

Maybe you're right, and it's not for me. And you're probably right about being receptive as well - I've just re-read that first paragraph, and I don't exactly sound like Ms Open To New Stuff, do I?! Thanks for the input

Like poshsinglemum, I am interested in how people do this. I often wonder how I would manage as the rural communities around here are so small and close-knit, meeting someone local would mean I would bump into them repeatedly and be the subject of much speculation!

Try a site that focusses on something you're interested in perhaps - then even if you meet up with people outside your "type" you'll have common ground. I know there are countryside and single parent ones, there must be others?

Beautiful - six dates. All went really really well. I wasn't expecting exclusivity or anything, just taken aback that he seemed so incredibly into me but then let on that he felt the same way about other women.

Here's how I do online-dating: I choose a "pretty" login name, put up 4 or 5 of the BEST photos possible, write a very short (honestly, like 5 sentences), light-hearted profile, and then wait for replies. I don't search for men - it's so much better when they write to you first.

Then I leave it a day between replies (which are very short and light), never IM anyone (I think it makes you look like you have nothing else to do), and only log-in once a day.

Put your ad up on a few sites to maximise your chances, and go on dates where they make the effort to travel over to your town.

If men aren't putting you first, it's time for you to put yourself first! Let them make all the running at the start.

DI - 6 dates? Aww man. I can see why you'd be surprised at the sudden turn-around then. 6 dates is quite a lot! Were the dates very close together (i.e., like in the space of 2 weeks)? Did you, er, "get intimate" with him?

The keen-then-not man - did he answer your ad or did you answer his?

6 dates over a 7-week period. We didn't go to bed (I presume that's what you mean ) but there was some pretty hot kissing and the last couple of dates there was definitely the intimation that we might soon - so I sort of suspect that was what spurred his conscience into cooling off, and I do like and respect him for being decent enough to do so.

Thanks for your profile tips - I like to think my profile is witty and interesting and says stuff about me without being a list of my likes and dislikes iyswim. Maye I'm really deluded. I'm not wholly unappealing, and men have messaged me, and I've replied to the ones I liked the sound of, but only been out with four, including six-date guy.

He messaged me.

Tippychooks - I live in London, so thankfully don't have that added worry of small-town gossip! That should make it easier, but it doesn't.

Has anyone else met somebody great (not necessarily their soul-mate) on the internet?

Awww, bollocks. What a shame. That all sounded perfect - I have no idea what happened. :(

Maybe he does genuinely need a bit of time to think, though?

I have a close friend who internet dated for about 3 years- she kissed a lot of frogs, had a 1 year relationship that she ended, and is now looking to jointly buy a house with a man she met on Match. When they first "met" online he was 9000 miles away and it was all by email, IM for about 6 months.

I can imagine its just as hard - so very many people.
My mum met my step father aged 40 something through Guardian online and are 10 years+ married. They're very happy

I met my XH on the internet! And I'm currently dating someone - although we are at the 6-date mark and I'm now worried that he'll suddenly get confused too!

I ordered my DP off the internet

We've just moved in together and are planning to start TTC in the next year or so. Three years so far.

It CAN work!

I did go on a few dates that went nowhere, so don't expect miracles overnight.

With my DP, we emailed ALOT before meeting. We established quickly that we had the same sense of humour and spoke on the phone before meeting.

Also, I messaged him first. Men can be incrediably shy. My DP has told me many times that he thinks I am out of his league and would never have approached me either online or in a bar. I did wait for him to suggest the first date though, the male ego needs a small feeling of conquest.

Otherwise, I wouldn't over analyse the whole "who messaged who first" thing. Really.

Just say hello to men you like the look of. Say something funny about what they've written in their profiles. Keep the first email short, as short as a text message - leaves an air of mystery.

Good luck!

I'm glad to hear it can work :) Fab stories.

I'm not holding out much hope for him getting back to me, because if he really did like me as much as he'd given on he did, he wouldn't need to be doing this whole deciding which woman he was going to keep seeing stuff, surely? Water under the bridge, though. I'm a bit disappointed, we had a lot of (fairly obscure) stuff in common, but not heartbroken.

I guess I do need to just get myself together to message more, even if I'm not certain we'll get on, just go for it. That sounds like the right method You're right, maybe I'm expecting too much even if I don't know it.

Thanks :)

DI - has he been in touch since he said he felt confused? I have just been ondering on this as I cleaned the kitchen (thrilling, my life is!) and I think he'll come back. I dunno why - I just have a feeling he will.

In the meantime, just sign up with as many sites as you can and go out on dates and have fun. Maybe look at ways to meet more men naturally too. Does your gym hold social events? Do you do any man-friendly sporty stuff, like orienteering (I did that recently and it was teeming with talent!), or squash or anything?

A good book - bit heavy-weather but worth it - is "Calling In The One". It's on Amazon.

Good luck! Hang in there!

I quite like the idea of being thought of during kitchen-cleaning. Yeah, I've had a couple of text messages, just repeating that he really likes me, sort of regrets having to say what he did, but doesn't want to mislead me while he's still getting things sorted in his head. I think he's genuinely not sure what to do and actually decent enough not to want to hurt anybody.

You're the same as my friend - he has a good feeling in his waters apparently, whatever they are!

Anyway, I'm determined not to dwell and to, er, concentrate on trying to kiss more frogs.

Maybe it was not about whether to see anyone else- but whether he wanted to make you exclusive- I think he liked you a lot.

Has he been hurt recently or come out of a long relationship?

This is a fascinating article about profile pictures.