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Original poster

Should I let him come to antenatal classes/birth?

33 replies

splashy · 08/08/2010 01:32

I am separated from my husband due to him not wanting the baby I am pregnant with. He spent the time we were together trying to force me to have an abortion and telling me how he hated me and this baby.

He says he wants access to this baby when she is born and that he doesn't hate her anymore. I was going to allow him to come to antenatal classes with me and the birth, but now don't know. Despite knowing for months about the antenatal classes and telling me he could make it (time booked off work etc), after trying to confirm with him the week before they started he told me that he wasn't allowed time off work anymore, which to me seems odd that they say yes then no. ie I think he is lying

He also told me he couldn't make another date because he was going on holiday with his friends. If this is true then he knew about the class before he booked this holiday. I also think it seems very suspicious that his work will allow time off for a lads holiday but not for antenatal classes. Also another day isn't convenient for him.

To me just seems like he is making excuses and this isn't very important to him. I wanted him to come because if he wants to be involved with this baby, then the classes teach a lot of parenting skills.

Now I feel that if he isn't prepared to put this as a priority before his social life he shouldn't come at all. Am I being unreasonable? Also whenever I see/speak to him he shouts at me, upsetting me, and I don't think it's a good idea to have contact because of the effect this will have on my baby when I'm pregnant

OP posts:
Paperdenim · 08/08/2010 01:43

You poor thing, he sounds like a right twat.
I think having him at the birth could be very stressful for you so perhaps he could wait outside and see the baby a few minutes(or hours!) afterwards? With ante natal classes I would probably say that he needs to attend one on x-date and if he doesn't come then you would prefer him not to bother at all as it is stressful for you having to organise things.
He might not shout/be mean in public so if he does decide to come meet in a public place, and leave by yourself in a taxi or whatever.
You have done so well standing up for yourself and being so brave, your baby is very lucky to have a mother that cares so much.
Dont spend your life chasing him into being a dad, it may all come to him when the baby is born, but he might continue on with his twatty ways. Make sure you concentrate on yourself and surround yourself with lovely kind people like yourself.
Best of luck and congratulations xxxxx

SolidGoldBrass · 08/08/2010 01:47

Look, this dickwad is not actually interested in 'access' to his child. His motivation is to hurt and punish you for disobeying him. So cut contact with him, send him a letter/email saying you will be in touch when the baby is born and that while you will not prevent access you will insist on it being formally arranged in a way that suits the baby (ie little and often, but on baby-friendly terms such as a short spell in a contact centre, not he-can-just-take-baby-away-overnight-because-he-wants-to). He;s 'offering' to come to antenatal appointments and then cancelling purely in order to see how obedient you will be, how high you will jump. Sort yourself out other birth partners and other sources of support and don't waste energy on him.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 08/08/2010 02:06

Yes, exactly what SGB said. He's got you jumping through hoops to make things work - oh, he doesn't "hate" his unborn child any more, how nice of him.

You definitely don't want him at the birth, so please do see if you have a friend or your Mum or someone who'll be there for you. Ditto antenatal classes.

And yes, formalise child access, because otherwise he's going to use that as a way to keep you under his thumb forever - he'll only want to see the child at your house with you there, he'll cancel plans a lot, and if she cries he'll blame you for ruining his life again.

You are doing brilliantly. It's great that you're wanting to make sure she has a Dad, but he's been an utter twat so far, HE has to prove to you that he's capable of being a father.

ItsGraceActually · 08/08/2010 02:32

NO, you shouldn't!

oliviasmama · 08/08/2010 07:31

Don't include him in anything, he doesn't bloody deserve it.

You enjoy your pregnancey and miracle that is about to happen. I tell you, you will never have experienced love like it before.

He will be the only loser in this.

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 08/08/2010 07:36

Cut him out of your life and involve people who you can rely on and be happy with

How do you feel after you've seen him? Upset? anxious? I bet you can't say relaxed, in control, happy, full of hopeful joy for the future....

You are better off alone than with someone who does this to you.

TotalChaos · 08/08/2010 09:27

No, as he's not just a bit flaky, but has been positively unpleasant to you. btw as someone who was brought up without knowing her father, due to lack of interest, please don't feel under any huge moral duty to push for contact if he isn't interested. My father knew my mother was pregnant, and knew her address and contact details. It was up to him, not my mum to show some fatherly responsibility.

Original poster
splashy · 08/08/2010 11:46

thank you for all the replies. was surprised that everyone agreed he shouldn't come.

already decided that if he didn't come to the antenatal classes he wasn't coming to the birth. realise that with his current behaviour it wouldnt be a good idea.

am annoyed that despite everything that happens i give him the opportunity to be involved and he turns it down like this, insisting that its all on his terms. think its a sign of things to come.

solidgoldbrass i never saw things like that before, but it does make sense. he is very controlling, and this is a way of him controlling the situation between us.

totalchaos i agree totally with what you're saying. other people have told me it's better she has no father than one who isn't there 100%. i do think that he is all talk now, but when she comes he is probably not going to want to make much effort. if that's the case then so be it, she will have one loving parent, and i can't change him.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 08/08/2010 21:42

splashy - if he's capable of being civilised, then I wouldn't go as far as absolutely no father - as even if he is crap, from the perspective of someone who never met their father it is good for a child to have actually met their father, just to know something as simple as what he looks like!

SugarMousePink · 08/08/2010 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
splashy · 08/08/2010 23:24

totalchaos I do understand what you are saying and I wouldn't stop him from having contact, but I very much doubt he will be comitted/around for long.

sugarmousepink we are still married so I believe he would be named automatically on the birth certificate. Not sure if that's right? Still, it wouldn't sit right for my daughter to have 'unknown' for her father on the birth cert.

The bastard has been texting me all of tonight saying he wants to see me. Won't say why and the tone still sounds angry. Told him I don't want to see him, as though I still love him I know seeing him will just result in more upset. My heart wants to see him, but the rational side of me knows its a terrible idea. Also don't know what he wants. Wish he would just leave me alone for now, till the baby comes we really don't need to talk to each other.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 09/08/2010 00:18

YOu can tell him that you don't want any contact from him, and to leave you alone. And if he carries on phoning or texting you after you have told him to stop, you can get a solicitor's letter ordering him to stop. Just because you were previously married to someone does NOT give them the right to harass you.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 00:42

I can only give you my personal opinion

I would let this dick anywhere near me whilst I went through something so personal and visceral as antenatal classes and labour

the act of having a baby is such an intimate thing...and he doesn't deserve the special joy of sharing that

and any relationship he had with his offspring would be at a strictly business-like level

ie. done through a 3rd party and officially

limit the stuff he can fuck around with your head about

lalah7 · 09/08/2010 01:04

During the birth you need to be focussed on you and the baby...thats all. Having him there will only detract from your focus.
You need someone there who cares about you and your baby...
Tell him to f off

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 01:06

would not....sorry

Original poster
splashy · 09/08/2010 01:11

Throughout the pregnancy I guess I have just been hoping that his attitude would change, that if he couldn't care about me then he could at least learn to love this baby. Realise now that he has had plenty of time to change and it isn't going to happen.

He said he hates me for 'forcing' this child on him (because I refused to have an abortion), also said many times in the past that he hates this baby because she is a part of me, and to find another father for her. Never bothered coming to the 12 week scan, despite insisting on a down's screen which I was against. Just generally been nasty.

He won't be coming to any antenatal classes as he has already missed the first few and I don't see any point in coming to only half, and he will only upset me if I see him. Definately won't be coming to birth.

Really really hate him right now, but love him too :( Am jealous of all the other women at the antenatal classes with the supportive partners, wish I had that, but know it won't be with him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 01:16

splashy...you are a strong woman who just happens to be doing this on her own (against your own wishes...)

don't think anything of the other women at ANC

be brave...hold your head high

think of all the other women staying at home because they are on their own...you don't know the half of it

Coolfonz · 09/08/2010 09:05

Stop loving him, he's obviously a huge cnut and a disgusting man/child.

TotalChaos · 09/08/2010 09:37

agree with the wise AF.

there's a lot of hooey and society pressure about PG women - the mythology of all glowing, deliriously happy, complete with SMA ad style dad desperate to do a night feed Hmm. whereas behind the public face at AN classes etc, there will be relationships under huge pressure, mums struggling with mental health issues, or financial problems or unsupportive family/friends, or partners who are twats.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 10:18

exactly, TC

OP, you don't know what is going on behind closed doors with all these women

MN should certainly tell you that !

hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong x

Original poster
splashy · 09/08/2010 16:25

coolfonz I know I shouldn't love him, and I do hate him for the way he has treated me, but I can't help how my heart feels. A small part of me still hopes that he will change, but I know that it won't happen now.

anyfucker and totalchaos good point and I never thought about that, but at least they have someone. What I wouldn't give to have someone to support me through this. I do have family and friends but its not the same.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 16:39

someone ? anyone ? any old fucker ?

I don't think so...

I sympathise though, you should have a loving and supportive partner. Unfortunately, that isn't him.

DrunkenDaisy · 09/08/2010 16:56

It's better than the same if he's a useless fucktard.

honestly, get rid now. haven't you read some of the threads here...?

SugarMousePink · 09/08/2010 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissHissyFit · 09/08/2010 22:10

Switch your phone OFF, let him sweat the tosser

Seriously, he doesn't treat you and his unborn DC like that and get to be included in the classes etc.

I note his terminology was to want 'access' and not 'to be a part of his child's life'.... he's not offering to help, he's just ticking flaming boxes so that IF anyone asks him about it, he can pretend to be a normal human being and say that he's seen her and been to the classes. TICK.

Sorry, but fuck him. He doesn't get to do all that and get to share the glory.

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