Should I let him come to antenatal classes/birth?

[splashy]

I am separated from my husband due to him not wanting the baby I am pregnant with. He spent the time we were together trying to force me to have an abortion and telling me how he hated me and this baby.

He says he wants access to this baby when she is born and that he doesn't hate her anymore. I was going to allow him to come to antenatal classes with me and the birth, but now don't know. Despite knowing for months about the antenatal classes and telling me he could make it (time booked off work etc), after trying to confirm with him the week before they started he told me that he wasn't allowed time off work anymore, which to me seems odd that they say yes then no. ie I think he is lying

He also told me he couldn't make another date because he was going on holiday with his friends. If this is true then he knew about the class before he booked this holiday. I also think it seems very suspicious that his work will allow time off for a lads holiday but not for antenatal classes. Also another day isn't convenient for him.

To me just seems like he is making excuses and this isn't very important to him. I wanted him to come because if he wants to be involved with this baby, then the classes teach a lot of parenting skills.

Now I feel that if he isn't prepared to put this as a priority before his social life he shouldn't come at all. Am I being unreasonable? Also whenever I see/speak to him he shouts at me, upsetting me, and I don't think it's a good idea to have contact because of the effect this will have on my baby when I'm pregnant

Splashy ... I feel your pain! I could have written your post.

I also went through pregnancy alone, and also decided that the father was NOT allowed at most of the scans or the birth. Pregnancy and birth is about you and the baby, and he doesn't have any legal rights to insist on being there - so don't feel guilty about doing what is right for you.

I also got called an evil fucking bitch for keeping the baby and not doing what XP wanted me to do - and he also insisted on me agreeing to things (like he wanted to feel the baby move when I was pregnant) which he never followed up on. He also only ever talks about 'access' and now only visits once a month although he claims we stop him from coming more often.

If I've learnt anything - it's get a solicitor involved as soon as possible. Get an agreement in place about access/maintenance so that he can't say one thing to look good to his friends, and then do the opposite.

My XP is all talk about being a great parent, but fundamentally he doesn't give a shit and can't be bothered to come and visit his DS. And somehow recently, he's even trying to make all that my fault as well.

But stay strong - you do what feels right for you. He has to face the consequences of his actions. If he's an arsehole to you, he can't expect you to bend over backwards to let him do exactly what he pleases.

splashy - sorry you are feeling so alone with it all. could you have a word with MW or even dare I say it health visitor, that you are feeling bad about attending an classes on your own, they maybe able to suggest something - like they may know of classes that don't tend to be all women with partners etc.

Oh and about the birth - you want to feel as safe and secure as possible when giving birth - so it's important for you and the baby not to have a bully around.

splashy - yes, you're correct that if you are still married he will automatically share parental responsibility for your daughter. Note though that the legal term is parental responsibility; there is no such thing as parental rights.

In the meantime, try to enjoy your pregnancy. For what it's worth - there was a single mum in my ante-natal group. We still meet up every week (babies are now 6 months), and we hardly ever talk about our partners. We're all far more obsessed about interested in the babies!

During labour I only wanted people around me who made me feel relaxed and confident. I've read that the best birth partners are usually not people's actual partners, but women who have given birth. Do you have a mum/sister/best friend who could do it?

little miss hissy fit I did block his number but for some reason it only blocks phone calls not texts. Not having any contact with him now though.

chattymitchy I'm sorry to hear you went through the same thing. It's hard being pregnant and not having the father of the baby care for both you and the baby. I know I need to formalise arrangements and I will do because I don't trust him to stick to anything he would say regarding visiting/maintenance, he has already tried lying about what the csa would oblige him to pay.

totalchaos I've already started my nhs and nct classes, so I'm keen to finish them now, but I understand what you are saying. It's not so much that it bothers me seeing couples, just that I wish I had that. Would be nice to meet other single mothers though.

nellyjane yes that's a good suggestion. Atm I am planning for my mum to be my birth partner (none of my friends have babies yet)

Am feeling ok most of the time, just realise that I need to stay away from him, as seeing him just upsets me. There are times when I think about it and I just start crying though. I do look forward to this baby though and I do have friends and family who will support me.

Hi splashy

Sounds like you're doing well - I found the whole situation extremely stressful, on the one hand XP was saying he hated me and I'd ruined his life by getting pregnant, and on the other being an arsehole to me because I wouldn't let him come to a couple of scans,

Everytime he promised any support during the pregnancy it would never materialise, and if I asked about it he would say 'I'm not here to be your boyfriend'. I couldn't say or do anything right - and the day I decided that I would just do what was right for me was the best day.

Even though he still is a total wanker - he's also totally predictable.

From the sounds of your H, he's also out of the same mould. You'll find it easier once you don't expect anything at all from him, and when you realise that he's ALWAYS going to be the poor martyr, and you're ALWAYS going to be the evil selfish bitch.

And if he gets caught out lying (like my XP does a lot) - he'll just lie, lie and lie some more. My XP also lies about the CSA.

One thing you should be very wary of - never, ever tell him what you want, or what you expect of him. This will be used against you at every opportunity.

If he wants to come to an agreement - ask him what HE wants, and then put it in writing. Even then, it may not be enough to stop him from doing the opposite and then blaming you!

chattymitchy its funny how predicatable they are isn't it? sounds like you are coping on your own now though which is good.

so much of what you say sounds so familiar to me. he won't support me at all, despite saying that i could ask him for support.

i totally understand and agree with what you say about not expecting anything from him. i still do wish he did care about me and the baby though. i guess i just find it hard to accept that he can care so little about the mother of his child. i've told him so many times about the effects of maternal stress on babies but he said that we me trying to manipulate him. just couldnt win.

its hard not to tell him what i expect, but you are right that he won't honour any agreement. just wished things could be simple and we could reach a reasonable agreement between us, but I don't see much hope of that now.

Splashy, see a solicitor - tomorrow if possible - in case you decide you want to get an injunction out against him harassing you. I know someone who should have done this and didn't and the result is she's still being made miserable. I know you still love him; so did she back then. She doesn't now but he's still ruining things for her.

Also I've found the book 'I Need Your Love, Is That True?' by Byron Katie the best book on relationships. It does change how you look at 'needing' anyone.

Good luck!