Yes,another Toxic family thread...

[Poshwellies]

I am at the end of my tether with them all.

One toxic side would be bad enough to cope with but I have two sides to deal with

Firstly I have a selfish mother,who only calls to ask for things (mainly to ask if dh can pop in and fix something for her).In the past if I call,she would pick up my call and answer with 'What do you want?',she doesn't have any interest in my children,she's never had anything to do with my youngest(nearly 8),she has NO interest in having grandchildren,as she's told me 'your children are yours and not my responsibility'.There is also alot of issues due to me being abused by her partner as a child,after his admitance to my abuse,she wanted to remain in their relationship and carried on doing so until I was 15/16.Lots of hurt from my side.

I haven't spoken to her since April when she called me to tell argue about the fact I idn't call her on my birthday to thank her for the card.She didn't call to wish me a happy birthday (I have always called her on hers),but just ranted on about me being selfish .

So I think,walk away,I'm the better person.

No contact with my mother then.

My father has been with his partner since I was 3,so 31 years.
She is a bitter ,angry woman who hated me once I wasn't a tiny tot anymore and from the age of 10,made me feel horrible and shit because my dad loved me-she was jealous,I was being abused by my mothers partner during this time.At the age of 12 I was told I wasn't allowed in 'her' house anymore,I still saw my dad but it was strained,I also hated living with my mother.

I'm 34 now and he is still with her.I've tried my hardest with her,meals out and pleasantries but we both know we don't get on,she is still jealous but not of me now,of my dad having close bonds with his grandchildren (she has lots of grandchildren from a previous marriage).Little digs and sly comments are littered about if I go to his house,which tbh is literaly once a year.I'm not invited to 'family' do's or even classed as family.Every thing I DO IS WRONG in her eyes.We'll refrain from speaking about her youngest son who is a heroin addict and has stolen from her and my father ,he can do No wrong.

A few months ago I realised,hey I'm an adult,I don't have to put up with this shit so stoppped being nice and smiling to her.I don' speak to her and am not willing to be in the same space as she is.

My dad is now getting on my back,telling me it's making his life difficult.

Tough shit.I 've had years of abuse and crap,I'm fucking sick of them all.

Thanks for reading,it helped to get this out.

You've done the right thing in cutting off your mother, what she did is unforgivable. Both your parents have let you down. Now you are an adult and your life and that of you children comes first so do whatever makes you feel better.

You certainly don't have to be nice to your hideous stepmother just to please your father, so if it makes his life difficult that you don't speak to her then tough shit, he should have set her straight years ago and maybe she would have treated you a bit better.

Build a life of your own and be happy in it. You don't owe your parents anything and you deserve to be happy.

You poor thing, I am so sorry you've gone through this, it's all obviously really shit, and none of it is your fault.

Do you want to change the relationships you have with your parents? With your mother, I'm surprised you've put up with her as long as you have frankly, how dare she prioritise her paedophile boyfriend above her child?! Sorry to be blunt, but she has failed you every step of the way. Your dad....I guess there's slightly less resentment there from the sounds of it, but he's failed you too (again, sorry, but it's true, isn't it?).

This is all so horrible and I'm really sorry I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to sympathise with you I guess. You need to finally concentrate on your and your family which, unfortunately, might not be able to include your mum and dad.

Best of luck, I'll be thinking of you .

I know this won't be particularly helpful but I would tell the whole lot of them to go and fuck themselves.

1 Your mum stayed with a man who she knew had been abusing you. Unforgivable.

2 Your dad is with a woman that has always treated you like something she trod on. Again- unforgivable.

Make the most of the life you have. Your parents have certainly tried their best to ruin it.

Good luck. x

Thank you both.

I think I'm feeling sorry for myself tbh.I just want some parents that love me and their grandchildren,I don't seem to have that nor do my children,which hurts.

I usually get on and ignore the abuse/toxic behaviour from them both,but today I got a call from my father stating he was fed up with me and my silence towards his partner,it tipped me over the edge! (enter alot of angst).

It's led to me questioning my behaviour which I know is ok,but they make me feel abnormal,time and time again.

I realise I haven't had a good childhood,and as my children grow,my past life seems to haunt me more and more (even with lots of counselling).

Dh and I are good,as is our family set up.I just am totally and over 'normal' families.

Well done! So for you that you have been let down so badly by both parents. Your Dad hasn't really been any better than your Mum, although in a different way - his selfishness and passivity in allowing these women to treat you so badly is just as neglectful of your well-being as their overt nastiness.

Step away from them all - focus on your real family (and by this I mean anyone who loves, values and cares for you) and don't look back.

god i don't blame you.

i think you get into the habit of people pleasing and don't realise that you really don't HAVE to do it.

life is both short and long. short enough to not have enough time for placating people who delight in never being placated, but long enough for you to stop being that little girl, and be the woman you now are.

your dad sounds lovely but weak. completely lower your expectations of him and it will be easier.

look forward and not back, unless you want to really get to grips with things and are feeling strong enough to do it.

love your children the way you want to and be the person you want to be. and good luck!

You have every right to feel sorry for yourself. You have been badly let down.

The important thing is that you are breaking the "toxic" cycle. Your children can have the childhood that you have missed out on and you should be proud of yourself.

You owe your parents nothing and it is your choice whether to have them in your life.

Yes I know Thumb.

Which also adds to my feelings as I ADORE my father,he has lied ,made excuses and covered for my stepmother.I am so confused.

Tonight he said 'Well I can see why she felt annoyed by you' 'being ignored is horrible' and I replied 'well,after 31 years of emotional and verbal abuse from her,ignoring her is quite easy,I'm a adult,I don't want her in my life,deal with it,sorry'

He remained silent.He should of backed me up.

I feel lost but I will fight back.For me and for my children.

Your dad is an enabler which means he can be quite lovely but too weak to protect you from these two monsters. He should have protected you but decided to opt for the "quiet life" as it was easier and he is still doing that now.

Thank you.

This is the first time I've ever spoke about it all.

My childhood was torn between sexual,physical and verbal from step parents and hushing down by my real parents.

I'm cross with my parents for the first time in a long long time.

Thank you for reading and your input,it really helps.

You have probably read this book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

It is highly recommended.

I'm off to bed now but I hope you can get some sleep too.

Oh Poshwellies - still so for you. Even worse when you realise that your Dad is just as bad by NOT standing up for you.

I know I push this a lot on here, but I suggest you try and find an NLP therapist to help you if other counselling is not dealing with it well enough - there is a part of the therapy that involves "reparenting" your own child self. So you can go back on your personal time line to the times when you needed protection, care and love - and your adult self can give it to your child self. It sounds mad, but it's amazing what your unconscious mind can do with it - and how much better you can feel afterwards. Nothing will ever take away the fact that you were unlucky enough to have 2 completely shite parents - but you can help yourself. To find a therapist, go here - there should be one somewhere near you.

In terms of being envious of other families - remember that there aren't that many "perfect" families - so much going on behind closed doors etc. I know what you mean though - I wanted a mum who was interested in me, who cared more about me etc etc - and I found a sort of "surrogate" mum - a very dear friend. I also have a surrogate gran - another very dear friend - can you find someone like this? I do not believe in the "Blood thicker than water" thing - I think family are people who love and care about each other.

Anyway I have to go now - but I hope this has helped.

Poshwellies: You have done a very brave thing. You have your own family - your kids, and you have given them an amazing gift, that is that they will grow up to admire their mother, who had the guts to cut out the bad from her life, and to value herself. What you are experiencing now is like a death, you are grieving for what you never had, and what you should have had. It is very painful, but you are not alone. Please have a look at a website called Daughters or Narcisstic Mothers (it has a lot about fathers too) and you will see from the forums, that you are not alone, and the support on there can be very helpful. Your dad, although you adore him, is a typical enabler - too weak to stand up to the awful women he has chosen. There's loads about enabling fathers on there. When I first read it, I found it very reassuring to know, that it wasn't just me going through such pain. Good luck.

Sorry - didn't check before I posted, the site is Daughters of Narcisstic Mothers.

Sorry to hear how horribly you were treated, OP, that's hard to deal with I'm sure.

If I were you I'd focus on the family you've chosen for yourself - your kids and DP.

I've been in a similar situation with another relation and I'm now making the choice as an adult to walk away and save myself from more years of crap.

I have signed up to the site you mentioned Saffy.Thanks for that.I have spent some time reading the posts and I realise that I've had a utterly vile childhood even if you remove the abuse.

I think I probably do with some space to talk about it and learn how to move on.I had counselling and therapy when I was 20-23,but I could really do with some more now that I'm older and life has changed (marriage,second child,teenage daughter).

I have put my foot down with regards to Mother,and her silence in return tells me,she isn't that bothered in having us as family .That's fine.

I just have to work out how to speak to my father (total enabler,I agree!) and make him understand that I WILL NOT be abused by his partner and nor will I put up with his enabling behaviour.

I fucked off a whole side of my family as they are a bunch of cnuts. It's great! Why not try it yourself?

Fuck them, life is short, hang out with your mates, they can be a proper family etc etc...

Poshwellies - my heart goes out to you. I'm very glad to hear that you are, at last, looking out for yourself in the face of your weak and ignorant parents.

I just wanted to point out one thing: there's no such thing as a "normal" family!!! I have never, ever come across one in 40 years that doesn't have some sort of issue, dysfunction or tension that affects family life. A realisation that has certainly helped me with my own family...

Cherish your DP and DC's - they're the ones who love and respect you as you are.

Perhaps if you don't feel able to talk to your father you could write him a letter? Just a thought. Go easy on yourself. Glad you looked at the website.

Oh Poshwellies, are you me?! Well obviously you are not, but I know where you are coming from.

I get very bitter and upset that not one single member of my blood family wants anything to do with my lovely dd, now 4 yo. Then I remember that they are a bunch of bastards, so do I really want cards, pressies or visits from them? No no no.

It is totally and utterly their loss. Do bear in mind that before either set of your parents get too much older, they will be looking to you to do the shit work support them more, probably excessively so in the case of your mother, and this is the time when the decisions they made to be emotionally and mentally abusive, ignore sexual abuse and generally take advantage of the fact that you were a child and they could treat you however they wanted, really has it's consequences for them. They made their bed, they can lie in it, or as another poster put, fuck 'em.

Are you in the north, poshwellies? i am seriously thinking of starting some kind of support group for people with 'non' parents.

Poshwellies, you have all my sympathy. I was procured by my mother to be abused by 2 of her friends, she even invited one of them to spend 2 weeks in our house when I was 12, so I know where you are coming from.

Unfortunately, at nearly 95 she is too old to be slopping out at Styal, which makes me wish I'd done something about it years ago. She stopped talking to me, and disowned me 18years ago, which has helped a lot, now that the anonymous letters have stopped.

However, I wondered if you ever made a complaint to the police about her partner? I finally made a complaint to the police last year, and believe me, I feel good that I have finally plucked up the courage to do something. I even drove 800 miles to do it each way, and the retail therapy at Costco after nearly a day at CID had to be seen to be believed.

Lots of hugs, and keep telling you none of it is your fault, and you were/are not to blame

Good grief tb
You sound incredibly strong and together. All the more so for being without your mother.

Tb and nemo I will post later when I have some peace from screeching children..

No probs poshwellies

Nemo,I've read some your posts before and I think we've suffered similar life experiences.
I'm an only child also,so I don't whether it makes the whole 'caring' for your parents better or worse,I certainly will not be nursemaiding my bloody mother.

She is currently latched onto her father (my grandfather) as she thinks he is dying and has £££'s in the bank,she's talked him into being his executor and has already threatened to x,y and z (my children) written out of the will.She has already spent the money in her head and delights if his health takes a turn for the worse.I do not have anything to do with him as he was appalled by me being a teenage mother at 18,funny how he got my grandmother pregnant at 18 and they had to marry.

She is going to end up rich but very very lonely.I agree with you,fuck the lot of them.

tb,I feel for you,what an awful childhood you have suffered.

I suffered with my mental as a teen,and had had 2 breakdowns by the age of 20.By that time I was consumed with my abuse and the feelings of utter vileness,I had huge chunks of memory loss (later diagnosed as dissociative disorder) which later came flooding back and I couldn't connect that little girl with me.

I did take my abuser to court in my early 20's,I had to have closure.My mother came with me to court,probably not for my benefit but as some sort of last ditch attempt to see him and his new partner.She flirted with my CID officers when they took her statement.I still don't know if she knew what was going on but the fact a draw in my room contained pornography magazines pushes me into believing that she knew something was happening.

I was 11 when I told her.He admitted it,and they both sat there and gave me the option of going to the police but made it sound very scary and that it would be a horrific experience.They both pushed me into remaining silent so they could continue their fucked up relationship (I've since found out that he was found having sexual relationships with school age girls )

I kept it to myself until 21.

I'm glad I spoke out,it did help me like you tb.