Yes,another Toxic family thread...

[Poshwellies]

I am at the end of my tether with them all.

One toxic side would be bad enough to cope with but I have two sides to deal with

Firstly I have a selfish mother,who only calls to ask for things (mainly to ask if dh can pop in and fix something for her).In the past if I call,she would pick up my call and answer with 'What do you want?',she doesn't have any interest in my children,she's never had anything to do with my youngest(nearly 8),she has NO interest in having grandchildren,as she's told me 'your children are yours and not my responsibility'.There is also alot of issues due to me being abused by her partner as a child,after his admitance to my abuse,she wanted to remain in their relationship and carried on doing so until I was 15/16.Lots of hurt from my side.

I haven't spoken to her since April when she called me to tell argue about the fact I idn't call her on my birthday to thank her for the card.She didn't call to wish me a happy birthday (I have always called her on hers),but just ranted on about me being selfish .

So I think,walk away,I'm the better person.

No contact with my mother then.

My father has been with his partner since I was 3,so 31 years.
She is a bitter ,angry woman who hated me once I wasn't a tiny tot anymore and from the age of 10,made me feel horrible and shit because my dad loved me-she was jealous,I was being abused by my mothers partner during this time.At the age of 12 I was told I wasn't allowed in 'her' house anymore,I still saw my dad but it was strained,I also hated living with my mother.

I'm 34 now and he is still with her.I've tried my hardest with her,meals out and pleasantries but we both know we don't get on,she is still jealous but not of me now,of my dad having close bonds with his grandchildren (she has lots of grandchildren from a previous marriage).Little digs and sly comments are littered about if I go to his house,which tbh is literaly once a year.I'm not invited to 'family' do's or even classed as family.Every thing I DO IS WRONG in her eyes.We'll refrain from speaking about her youngest son who is a heroin addict and has stolen from her and my father ,he can do No wrong.

A few months ago I realised,hey I'm an adult,I don't have to put up with this shit so stoppped being nice and smiling to her.I don' speak to her and am not willing to be in the same space as she is.

My dad is now getting on my back,telling me it's making his life difficult.

Tough shit.I 've had years of abuse and crap,I'm fucking sick of them all.

Thanks for reading,it helped to get this out.

When my mother confronted me with what I had written in a letter (never sent) to my best mate, saying what my step dad had done and what he had tried to do, (and it really was a confrontation from her side) she told me that a) he denied it all (I ahve no idea to this day if he remembers or if he was just too pissed) and b) did I realise what a serious allegation this was? And how the police and social services would have to be involved and how I could be taken into care? But of course, in her opinion, I was just writing a 'creative story' for school and none of it was true... Weren't you, Nemofish?

Aargh what a cow. So the 'this is very serious' thing seems to be common to abusers then! My stepdad loved suspender and lingerie (no boundaries with me, discussing sexual things) and my mum tried to buy me some. She couldn't understand why shops didn't stock suspenders and stockings for 11yr olds.

I wish I had shopped him - both of them - but to be honest the abuse didn't escalate very far. This was probably because I slept with a chair wedged under my door, a knife under my pillow and thankfully another family took me in through my teenage years, which is when the worst would have happened.

Good on you for reporting what happened - you know that you will have protected others by taking him to court? If I could go back in time I would tell myself to tell everyone who would listen what he did...

Nemo.

Sadly,I thought I would protect others by my reporting,but the clever fucker knew what he was doing by admitting his abuse.I had no chance to speak.He employed a female heavily pregnant brief,who brought out his heavily pregnant wife (who he'd met when she was just 16) Brief ripped my abuse to shreds and his wife gave a character statement 'look at me I'm heavily pregnant,would I want a baby by a child abuser etc etc?' 'he's a civil servant'

They used my mother's involvement with him,she'd sent him pictures of my newborn daughter unknown to me and used this against me saying he had a blip of character but was caring as a stepfather and was genuine about this-thanks mother (you fucking stupid twat!)(I still had to listen to the 'fact' that at age 4, he was attracted to me sexually and I was open to his advances

Words fail me too Poshwellies.

{{{{virtual hug}}}}

With you on the troubled life of drug use depression, mental breakdowns... I have come out the other side most days and I feel like I need to do something to help other people with a similar history. I have done a course so I can be an adult educator for the WEA (Workers Education Authority - freedom for Tooting and all that!) and I think that something as simple as doing classes around self esteem and relaxation and positive visualisation techniques could be really helpful.

It really does help me to know that I am not alone, not the only one. Do you think I will always be very bitter?

I decided not to press charges against my Dad who sexually abused me from the ages of six to ten. Partly because I have no great faith in the criminal justice system. And what if he was found guilty? He's nearly 80, he'd get a suspended sentence and he's middle-class and upstanding. With my history of drugs and mental health (hmm, is there a patten here?), I would not come out looking well in court.

But I completely get why making a complaint or pressing charges is so important. I seriously considered it because it is so amazingly unfair that he has got away with it.

Bizarrely the police know about my Dad's abuse due a text message that went astray a couple of months ago. However two separate police forces have failed to follow it up despite there being a child safeguarding issue. My Dad still has access to my sister's three children although I've told her about the abuse; she says I'm a fantasist who needs psychiatric help.

For me no contact with any of my family is the only way. I'm also seeing a therapist who has been doing EMDR therapy with me, which has been quite phenomenal in helping me deal with the trauma of some of the abuse which was very violent and very sexual. I too have had a disassociative disorder and this is really helping me to put the pieces together and then put it behind me once and for all.

Good luck and stay strong - your family don't deserve you, be selfish.

Definitely a pattern with the mental health issues and drug use, QueenofWhatever. Also with things like dental phobia (which I have in spades!) also medical conditions that are stress related, like IBS, migraine, acid reflux, back problems, and the list goes on...

It is amazingly unfair that they do get away with it (I too am the 'mentally abnormal' black sheep of the family ha ha HA) but I guess we have to find a way to live with it?

I do believe in the law of Karma though - at some point there will be a reckoning for them.

I also feel like if I live all of my life consumed and tortured by this, allowing it to poison me and all my relatinships - then that would be letting them 'win,' I will never let them win.

Thank you all for letting me vent on this thread - can't tell you how much it has helped.

Thanks for all the good wishes, one day I like to think I'll thrive, but not there yet.

tbh I only reported it to the police out of future guilt. One of the people involved is a vicar and the other (female) is/was a nurse. Ever since the murders at Soham I have thought 'what if?', as people who abuse rarely have only 1 victim. I'd hate to have that on my conscience.

However, being a complete coward and living only about 12 miles from 1 of them, and being bullied out of my job after being tricked into revealing I'd been abused, as well as needing to protect dd, I felt I couldn't do anything about it IYSWIM.

3 years after we left the UK, I felt that I could, and so did.

I'm just sorry that my mother is too old - she also took her little sister, who was my godmother, to a paedo to be abused. If only I'd had the balls when she took me off her Xmas card list, it might have been different.

tb it isn't your fault that you lacked the confidence to report to the authorities about your mother. We are trained from birth to love our mothers and to never make a move against them, which when you have a 'normal' loving mother, is fine. But that training goes against us. Well done for reporting the other abuse. I don't blame you for wanting to be as far away as possible before you felt safe to do so.

I was abused by an older child - until recent years he lived locally and I would see him around. The abuse stopped as his older brother got suspicious. He had one other victim that I know of, who was, at school anyway, even more fucked up than me.

I have never reported him. I have had days when it hurts like hell and I think 'why have I never reported this?' Truth is I was terrified of him. I am not now, and now it seems to late. I don't think that I could take the strain. And as we know reporting abuse is not risk free. Whenever someone calls me brave I want to laugh at them! I don't feel brave. I don't think anything could have been done though as he was 11 and 12 at the time.

You vent all you like Nemo.

Have any of you read this book?

I was given the book and when I read it It was like a light switching on.I really recommend it.

Thanks poshwellies, some controversial reviews but I have ordered it anyway.

I feel a bit of a fraud as the sexual abuse done to me really wasn't that bad. However this seems to have made little difference to the impact it has had on my life (huge).