Bricking it

[Warbride]

I am reading these posts and bricking it, a girl who is about 25-28 has just started working in my DH workplace and I suspect he is keen. He is 40 I am 31.

We went out a few weeks back and she turned up a bit late, promptly made a beeline for DH, gave him a big smile and sat down next to him, then clocked me and a slight apprehension crossed her face.

He never mentions her but I know for a fact that he spends time talking to her. She has alsorts of military related support our soldiers type things on her FB (my DH is ex military) The whole thing makes me very nervous TBH. She is single blonde pretty thin etc..

I am helpless to do anything about it, except eat myself up so much I lose sleep over it.

I was in the office the other day waiting for a colleague of his to bring in the sat nav of ours he borrowed, this girl walks past my DH desk and looks at him playing with our DD on the computer and completely ignores me doesn't look at me either, it was almost as though she was sizing up a ready made family.

warbride

Unless there is more to it than what you say above, it doesn't sound to me like there is anything going on. It sounds like you have read a lot into the expression on her face, which may not necessarily have meant anything at all.

Has DH been unfaithful before or given you any reason to doubt him? Why do you say you suspect he is keen?

Have you spoken to him about it ?

No nothing to say that there is but there is so much of it going on all over the place and there is no way of stopping it if it were to start.

He just like talking to the girls in the office and I suspect she is the sort who would persue and flirt with someone even if they were married.

He has been faithful as far as I am aware in the 12 years we have been married but we havehad a few issues lately and have argued, there is a slight wedge between us at the mo.

I guess it is me who need help here to get over my paranoia.

Not spoken to him because he would just say I am being silly and get peed off.

Well, a couple of things to say here

I would never accept that I was not in a position to talk to my husband about something that was bothering me "because he would get peed off"

Also, that instincts are there for a reason, and you may, or may not, be witnessing the start of something

If you cannot rely on him/trust him to reassure you though, then I would say you do have a problem

I have to say that unless you are constantly questioning his every move, and have a charge-list as long as your arm of prior mad, jealousy-induced bunny-boiling tendencies, then he has a duty to reassure you

Normally we can talk but over time have found that just we don't talk anymore unless it is to sort out arrangments for something.

There are other issues at the mo but not going to go into it. However our relationship is not great right now and our situation seems to be just ripe for him to go off and have an affair especially if she started paying him lots of attention.

I also suspect he is bored of me, sexlife is monotamous (my spelling is crap). It just seems like a lot of the posts here are similar situations to mine but their DH have gone off with someone else.

I want to stop it before it starts, but with her there on a daily basis that would be impossible.

Did he create these arguments you have had recently ? It sounds like the classic distancing behaviour before an actual physical affair starts (so they can justify it to themselves), he's also at "mid life" as well.

You really need to talk to him and check out WhenwillIfeelnormal's posts, she is very insightful and puts it all so much better than most of us on here. This site is useful although a bit "american" and has useful articles on affair proofing your marriage, establishing appropriate boundaries etc, understanding how affairs start.

Go with your gut instinct as well, w woman's intuition is normally right. And some women can be very preditory.

Good luck.

Sorry AF, yes I have been jealous before but in hindsight had no need really @bunnyboiler.

In this case, however there is a real threat.

Cheers counting, will have a look, been lots of changes to our situation recently, and had a very stressful time for both of us.

Typical situation of person who has been married long time, ie sex life predictable and take eachother for granted. Taken steps to improve things and talked it over, efforts made for a while but then fall back into the same old routine again.

Have you thought about Relate - I know our therapist wished she could get to couples before one of them has an affair because an affair does so much damage.

Not at this stage, also can't afford it.

Guess I need to just sit back and keep an eye on things, I have access to all our stuff, e-mails passwords etc.. in that respect have a very open relationship but he is very clever and would be the sort to have a hidden mobile or use his work laptop (I never see this as he does not bring it home)

He does security work so is quite clued up on the various methods of communiaction.

I don't think there is anything going on at the mo, but have no means of nipping it in the bud.

There will always be plenty of good looking younger women around. If you worry about this one you'll worry about all of them.

You can't spend your life waiting for your dh to run off with the latest model. It's about him and you not the legions of younger, prettier girls who will always be out there.

I suppose trust is the major issue here and it is something I have always struggled with despite him never giving me reason to doubt him.

That is the thing that makes him angry and rightly so I guess.

I do believe that this is my fault and I do it to myself. Suppose I should stop reading about affairs too.

Although, I did try to phone him at work the other day to no answer and he then he phoned back and said he was talking to someone, normally he would say he was talking to...and state name. It was like he was trying to hide the fact he may have been talking to her. Then he came home in the best mood I have seen him for yonks and was all over me, like he was making up for something.

Warbride you sound insecure - do you have jealousy issues? I think the idea of counselling or Relate is a good one as you have said you have trust issues.

I guess I am, my parents divorced when I was 8 and my mother has treated me like a slave as I am the eldest of 5. She has treated me badly throughout the years and has been controlling and still tries to be.

My DH is the one person who has given me a life, love and stability and after 14 years together, I am still very much in love with him. I am not sure I could mentally survive if he had an affair. I guess my whole life would come crashing down if he did that to me and yes this makes me very insecure, I have real trust issues, not just with him but everyone, whether they deserve it or not.

I guess professional counselling would cost me, not something a doctor could help me with?

I will say that just being able to talk here is helping, I have nosed for some time but haven't had the guts to actually post.

WB, the more you post, the more I think you have a problem of irrational jealousy

sorry

There are quite a few charities out there that offer subsidised counselling, Mind is one of them.

You can get some counselling on the NHS, too, it's worth checking with your GP.

Oh well AF,wont post anymore, thanks for the help

that is silly, WB

You should be able to get a referral to a counsellor at your GP surgery.

The one time I went out with my boyfriend with his work colleagues (at the time, now an ex, this was about 8 years ago), I was eaten up with jealousy for weeks thinking about how he was flirting and interacting with all these professional, young, slim, attractive women. Eurgh.

Warbride, give Relate a call, they have a sliding scale of charges and maybe able to offer something that you can afford. It sounds if you could do with a bit of individual counselling and some couples counselling as well. It would probably do you and your DH good to voice things with an independent third party present. It may or may not be irrational on your part.

It's worth bearing in mind too that we tend to hook up with partners who have similar self-esteem levels, similar childhood experiences etc, so it may not be all about your issues. I had a lot of insecurity and control issues but my DH was adding to them IYSWIM - he went off and had the affair .

This is what you do.

1. Don't ask him to reassure you! Nooo! Start conducting your life and your marriage like you're a "catch", like someone who knows she's the hotness and any man would be lucky to have her, not a frumpy Mum who is terrified of all the single blondes in the world. He'll only tell you what you want to hear anyway and then you'll be where you are now, but looking bonkers and insecure.

1. Start beautifying yourself IMMEDIATELY. This is NON NEGOTIABLE. I want you to book in all the stuff you've been neglecting: diet, exercise, hair, manicure, pedicure. Don't not do this because it's "too expensive" - find the money. Eat baked neans all week if you have to. You will feel 10000 times more confident if you feel you look attractive. Your OP basically says, "I feel unattractive".

1. Tonight when your DD is asleep, go into your wardrobe and hurl out all the frumpy stuff you've bought in a panic or because it's "soo practical". Only keep things you look nice in. Later on you can replace the fumpster stuff with pretty, practical things, like tight fleeces in pastel colours, etc. Also cull any skanky undies. Don't tell your DH you are doing this, just do it.

1. Act happy all week. Light, cheerful, breezy, serene. In fact, "serene" is your new watchword. Fake it till you make it.

1. Find fun things to do with your day. Your DH might leave you for another woman one day, but you can't control that - aside from being gorgeous and lovely and self-assured. so you might as well have fun during the day. Take your DD pottery-painting, or to a beautiful park, or to feed the swans somewhere exotic, or to get your hair done together, or SOMETHING. Spend time with your girlfriends and your family. Have more fun.

1. Don't have long TAWKS with your DH about anything that makes you look needy or insecure or like you expect him to leave you at any moment. Talk to him about the lovely things you did that day with your DD. Marriage is not therapy - don't dump your issues on him. Be a breath of fresh air. If you feel like you're going to explode if you don't let these feelings out, take the phone into the bathroom and ring a close GF while you soak in something lovely-smelling and girly.

1. Expect the best from your DH. Really.

OK? Right, off you go.

Blimey, Beautiful, if I had to put on such an act to keep my man, I just couldn't be arsed, seriously

I would rather wave him off to chase after young totty with my blessing if I had to make that much effort, every single day < phew >

OP, I am sorry I hurt you. Come back. Please.

Hi B

Thats what I needed to hear I appreciate your support. Will try my very best to be more positive and not let these things eat me.

We are all going away together next week me DD and DH so will be nice to get some time as a family without the usual stresses and interferences of everyday life.

Thank you