Bricking it

[Warbride]

I am reading these posts and bricking it, a girl who is about 25-28 has just started working in my DH workplace and I suspect he is keen. He is 40 I am 31.

We went out a few weeks back and she turned up a bit late, promptly made a beeline for DH, gave him a big smile and sat down next to him, then clocked me and a slight apprehension crossed her face.

He never mentions her but I know for a fact that he spends time talking to her. She has alsorts of military related support our soldiers type things on her FB (my DH is ex military) The whole thing makes me very nervous TBH. She is single blonde pretty thin etc..

I am helpless to do anything about it, except eat myself up so much I lose sleep over it.

I was in the office the other day waiting for a colleague of his to bring in the sat nav of ours he borrowed, this girl walks past my DH desk and looks at him playing with our DD on the computer and completely ignores me doesn't look at me either, it was almost as though she was sizing up a ready made family.

Golly, my apologies for totally misjudging this thread so totally

< slopes off, back to a world I can understand >

Yay! You're very welcome, WB. Really glad you found it helpful. Good luck! Have a great holiday. Remember, "I am serene".

I have been giving myself beauty treatments every time I've felt miserable lately and it's shallow but it works. Find stuff that takes just 15 minutes: dye your eyelashes, do a pore-strip, paint your toenails, do fake-tan, do a face-pack, bleach your teeth, do a hair-conditioning treatment, moisturise your elbows, blitz your wardrobe, do 100 sit-ups, chop up fruit to snack on the next day...

I always start these things in a depressed spirit of, "Oh what's the sodding point?" but afterwards feel a million times' more optimistic and buoyant. Have fun!

Err, wow.

WB

I agree with some of the points that Beautiful is getting at - it is a good idea to do things that help you feel good about yourself and which help with confidence. Take care of yourself because you deserve time for you and because it sounds like you are under stress. Make sure that you are doing these things because they help you relax and feel better within yourself, not as a way of fixing marital problems. I think that if you are feeling better about yourself perhaps you may be in a more secure place for addressing some of your problems, such as the "irrational jealousy" that AF (albeit rather bluntly) suggested may be at the heart of your concern in your post. However, I would say something to my other half, but only once I felt ready to admit my own shortcomings in the discussion and perhaps inject some humour into it too, ie:

"I know that I can trust you and that you are a very honourable person, and I wish that I could be less insecure about this stuff than I am, but you are a very handsome guy and I get paranoid sometimes that I am not the only one who notices and appreciates you (wink, wink). I don't want to be all needy all the time, but I do feel like I need a bit of reassurance right now that you may sometimes look, but that you don't touch, if you know what I mean..."

OK, a bit cheesy, but try to be lighthearted and flattering with him and you may actually get the reassurance that you are looking for...

Oh, FGS! WB hasn't caught him texting/emailing/kissing/shagging this girl. All she needs is a bit of pampering to make her feel attractive again. Then these feelings will fade away.

I'd have thought it made more sense to save any big "Are you going to leave me? I get so insecure" conversations until something had actually happened. In the meantime, looking better, acting more cheerful and having more fun with her DD, will boost WB's morale, meaning this entire issue can pass by without her DH ever needing to know about it.

Bluebutterfly - that wasn't directed at you! We cross-posted.

As a caveat, I would add that I have NEVER heard of a marriage that was saved by a course of beauty treatments, though...

In response, I'd say that I've never heard of a marriage that was damaged by them...

Yes, at best they may make a person feel better about themselves and at worst they are, I think, benign...

Beautiful is right though, my self esteem is low too as well as the other issues, mainly insecurity. The self esteem bit is a start and also to try and not eat myself up over this because at the moment I am loosing sleep.

I am still going to have to watch the current situation with this girl at work as I saw the look on her face that night and the way she looked in the office that day. Predetory says it all.

I have been let down severely by my parents in the past and have lost all faith in them and now find it difficult to trust anyone, my poor DH puts up with it too.

Its a shame that people like me come here to open up and just need to get it off their chest and are then been mean to.

A pampering isn't a bad place to start with the re-hab and hopefully will give the omph to tackle the rest of it.

Warbride, seriously look into the counselling to talk over the issues with your parents and how it has/is impacting on your life today. Do all the fun/nice to yourself too .

Counting, I may well do as I think I have tried for so long to forget about it, clearly it is having an impact on the rest of my life. I need to talk to someone about it and try and put it behind me for good.

Trouble is I am still having problems with my mother, but that is another story and not one I want to go into here as it is very long and complicated.

I think the fun stuff will help but it not going to completely solve my problems, however I appreciate Beautiful's outlook on it. She sounds like a great human being to be around.

Thanks for your help and input too, it has been nice to have some help and understanding.

I feel better for just having got all this off my chest tonight.

"I appreciate Beautiful's outlook on it. She sounds like a great human being to be around."

Awww! Thanks!

Finally someone appeciates my shallow genius...

If he's anything like my DP he's totally oblivious. I think women are often a bit quicker to pick up on the signals than men. Nothing you said in your original post would worry me. For now, Beautiful's advice doesn't sound that bad to me, we all deserve a bit of chill time every now and then.

In quite a few areas the NHS run self-esteem/confidence groups. Google your local mental health trust to try and find out services in your area, in some areas you have to go via the GP, in some you can go direct.

I see where you are coming from with the beauty treatments but it would be useful to go deeper than this because looks fade while personality can blosom.

I think Beautiful has made a number of very valid points. If you're moping around looking and acting all needy, men run a mile. Someone who is obviously enjoying her life (not relying on a man for her fun), is confident, self-assured (even if it's an act...soon it becomes natural) is an absolute man-magnet.

Needy and men don't mix. The needier you get, the more they run away. Try and be strong and take Beautiful's advice. Beauty treatments may be shallow and trite but if they make you feel better....go for it.

And the opposite works too. The less needy you seem, the more men are attracted to you. your DH will notice your relaxed, serene self and seriously think twice if he is ever (and the emphasis is on IF) tempted.

I personally think you should go with your instincts. Women have a sixth sense for a reason.
Your Dh must have met lots of attractive women over the years, but if this is the first time you have felt uneasy, then your instinct is trying to tell you something.
This happened to me once where DH facial expression gave a lot away re another woman, and I spotted it immediately. If you feel 'wrong' about this then it usually means you have a reason to.

I can see wt beautiful means, if you feel confident etc you wouldnt care wt H does as ur too busy having fun and sorting ur own life out, who knows he may turn out to be the jealous one, after all you are so much younger than him, im sure many guys would adore u!!! (not that u should have any affairs!) (wink)

Warbride, I have a tiny bit more of advice building on all of BEAUTIFUL's tips: if I were you I would actually start talking about "a nice, handsome, hot guy I've just met at work/walking the dog/at DD's school...". Drop something about "him" a couple of times.

Wouldn't it be fun?

You're a bad, bad girl...

Anything that turns the attention off your DH's future romantic possibilities and back on to yours can only help though, WB. I think you're feeling he's a super-hero and incredibly attractive to EVERYONE because the recent problems have left you feeling wobbly and a bit insecure. Add to that the lessened feeling of attractiveness that every woman feels after having a baby and it's no wonder you've put him on a pedestal.

The girl of whom you're nervous is, at most, 6 years younger than you. That's nothing! Look at why you feel she's a threat as it'll tell you what you (secretly) dislike about yourself at the moment. Her slimness? Her hair? Her freedom to do anything? Her career? Find out what it is that you envy and boost that part of your own life. It might be that she actually did you a favour long-term, by helping you discover what you need to do to cheer up!

I went for a job at his workplace and didn't get it, she got it. Although I am not really bothered by this, She has long blond hair, mine is in a POB and dark. We are about the same build and height. But she is more attractive and prettier than me.

DH came home last night after being away and has been lovely, today I am feeling better, I slept better last night too. Ate 3 choc bars yesterday and lost half a kilo in weight overnight. So today is looking up.

DH is only in work 1 more day and then we are off together for 2 weeks and going abroad so I am looking forward to that too.

Trying my damndest to be cheerful and not negative as suggested. Having hair cut tomorrow and going to dye it today (hide the grey hairs) overall feel better in myself and this is helping the anxiety.