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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A thief has stolen my husband

29 replies

brokendown · 04/08/2010 07:55

It's a very clever thief. It has been stealing pieces of my husband for years but only little bits at a time so I often didn't notice. Sometimes it put pieces back so I thought he was whole again but bit by bit it made him weaker.

Two weeks ago it stole so much that my husband disintegrated. I've been trying to help build him back together again but he doesn't look right. He doesn't even smell right. I'm trying so hard to be strong and help him but I feel as if the thief is coming after me now.

OP posts:
BollockBrain · 04/08/2010 07:57

eh?!

Is he having an affair?

loopyloops · 04/08/2010 07:57

oh dear

Northernlurker · 04/08/2010 08:01

Is it alcohol or depression - or both? V sad.

RandyRussian · 04/08/2010 09:11

Is it Old Father Time?

JaMmRocks · 04/08/2010 09:14

I think Northernlurker may have it

BollockBrain · 04/08/2010 09:18

OP - where are you?

Northernlurker · 04/08/2010 17:52

Sorry to seeyou haven't come back - can you let us know you're ok?

Original poster
brokendown · 04/08/2010 18:46

Am ok, was just feeling a bit melodramatic this morning. It is depression. I am just knackered and sad.

OP posts:
BollockBrain · 04/08/2010 19:37

oh sorry to hear this.

gingerkirsty · 04/08/2010 19:39

for you. I hope you can get through this together.

TheLifeOfRiley · 04/08/2010 19:42

How awful. Do you have someone you could spend a little time with getting things off your chest? As well as MN I mean obviously.

DO either of you have family locally?

Original poster
brokendown · 04/08/2010 21:16

I have family nearby who are being fantastic.

It's just so hard seeing the man I fell in love with disintegrate before my eyes, there seems so little of him left and such a horrible long haul ahead of us to get him back. So many questions - how long will it take? Will he carry on having relapses or will he get properly well again? All a bit daunting. I got given a carers pack - so now I'm a carer rather than wife .

OP posts:
Shaz10 · 04/08/2010 21:49

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Is this his first episode? My friend's husband suffers from depression and had quite a serious episode a few years back. I think he was off work for a year. Fortunately he is doing really well, if you saw him today you couldn't tell, he is so bright and happy, just like he used to be.

I'm glad you have family to support you both, it's just what you need.

SixtyFootDoll · 04/08/2010 21:51

Op that sounds so tough, makesure you take all the support that is offered.
Be kind to yourself.

ItsGraceActually · 05/08/2010 00:07

Take it from me, missus, you are fantastic! I have depression and I can't cope with myself You expressed it brilliantly in your first post; as soon as I read it I thought "depression" - or Alzheimer's, which would be worse as no way back.

I am hugely better than when I first got sick - hugely. But that was seven years ago. I'm still recovering . I want you to know you're doing a great thing, though thanks may be thinly available at times.

Also that you don't have to do it. You will forget this sometimes. You are as important as every other adult, including sick ones whom you once married. You will need breaks. Take them. And, if he stays sick for longer than you can stand it, quit. Your sanity counts, too

ItsGraceActually · 05/08/2010 00:14

I read a moving article by a journalist who suffers from periodic, severe depressions. When they happen, he takes to the sofa and his wife more or less ignores him - she keeps him clean & fed, but basically closes the door on him until he "comes back". What struck me so forcibly about his article, which was written during a depression, was his own responsibility for his condition. He would not drain his wife emotionally, and she knew that.

It's not always possible for a depressed individual to take responsibility, especially when it first hits: the journalist and his wife had nearly divorced over his first (longest) episode. But then he got the hang of things, and they figured themselves out.

I hope this happens for you. After the first trip to hell, we need to understand what happened and become better at managing our lives around the illness. It is unreasonable to expect someone else to carry it for us (unfortunately for me!!)

Original poster
brokendown · 05/08/2010 07:36

Thanks for that Grace, that makes sense. Am torn between wanting to help him as much as I can but also needing space for my own sanity. And I have to put the kids first as they are too young to really understand what's going on.

OP posts:
Flighttattendant · 05/08/2010 07:42

Oh how awful

Is your DH receiving treatment at the moment - therapy of some kind?

Original poster
brokendown · 05/08/2010 07:56

Yes he's on treatment. He nearly got admitted but has managed at home with intensive therapy. He's on various drugs and smells of chemicals which is wierd.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 05/08/2010 08:01

So to hear this brokendown.

Grace - can you remember the name of the journalist? That sounds like a brilliant article and a very good marriage-saving coping strategy.

Keeping your DH well fed and watered and letting him get on with it in his own space seems like a good idea - so long as he doesn't feel that you're being like that because you don't care, so it has to be an agreed plan (or preferably come from him)

Do you know where it has come from? Is it a biochemical imbalance or has he got Issues that are coming back to haunt him?

Original poster
brokendown · 05/08/2010 08:21

We're trying to figure that out, thumbwitch. There's a family history and he also has a very high powered stressful job and quite an obsessive & perfectionist personality. He's always refused to accept he's depressed before or get help. He still thinks he's got ill because he was too weak .

He'd got to the point of planning suicide and one of his plans involved taking us all out and that terrifies me. It's going to take a huge amount to get us back to a normal trusting relationship.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 05/08/2010 08:28

So is he going to be able to talk about stuff with anyone, or is he just going to rely on the meds? I presume he is under a psychiatrist now..

Was his Dad one of the stiff-upper-lip types, maybe? OOps, must stop with the cod-psychology, not good. Sorry. But I do think he would benefit from talking about it to someone professional - reaching a point where you think the only answer is for everyone to die is VERY scary indeed and I don't blame you for not trusting him.

Fortheverylasttime · 05/08/2010 08:56

It was Mark Rice-Oxley, 2 Aug.

See also Stephen Fry, Ruby Wax, etc.

Hopelessness is a symptom of depression.