A thief has stolen my husband

[brokendown]

It's a very clever thief. It has been stealing pieces of my husband for years but only little bits at a time so I often didn't notice. Sometimes it put pieces back so I thought he was whole again but bit by bit it made him weaker.

Two weeks ago it stole so much that my husband disintegrated. I've been trying to help build him back together again but he doesn't look right. He doesn't even smell right. I'm trying so hard to be strong and help him but I feel as if the thief is coming after me now.

it is horrible situation to go thru....

"one of his plans involved taking us all out and that terrifies me"...thst is awfully scary - have you been able to talk to
a) his psychiatrist about this and

b) talk about it with your own counsellor? your GP should be able to refer you for six free NHS counselling sessions. mine was extremely helpful (it also made me aware of may other huge issues in the relationship but that's btw). yes you qualify as a "carer" but make sure you take up support available.

how old are the children?

are you able to up and leave with them if he should get scary? does he display agression or violence or is it just talking about it?

there are various books on dealing with depression in a partner ...

www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Black-Dog-Matthew-Johnstone/dp/1845297431 etc.

anne sheffield depression fallout is more weighty but excellent lots of research chapters on effect on children and how to mitigate (eg make sure they spend time away from the depressed person with "happy" people, lots of breaks etc)

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Survive-When-Theyre-Depressed/dp/0609804154/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1281 007606&sr=1-2 as first review says:
The problem with all the advice that you are given as the partner/child/parent/friend of a depressed person is always "be caring understanding and supportive". What no-one ever said to me before I read this book is that it's really hard to do those things when you're not getting them back in return. It was so wonderful to hear out loud that, yes, depressed people are selfish and self-centred and difficult to live with. As well as offering a truely helpful insight into the depressive's situation, this book validates all your feelings of frustration and resentment and tells you how to cope with them and look after yourself.

you need to look after yourself in all this - and the children. put them first.

remember - it is your fault adn it isnt what you did - and that as a n adult he has to take repsonsibility for addressing it.

and keep the mental health crisis team number in your mobile and remember you can always dial 999 should you ever feel scared. (thinking about when you might use that option helps you actually do it when thetime comes)

if he does need to be admitted then let it happen. dont protect him.

i mean it is not your fault

repeat not your fault - nor his either ...but as an adult he has to take repsonsibility for his health you cannot do it for him (unless he is so bad as to be sectioned)

Thanks for finding those links, everybody
I think the piece I read was a different one and that just shows how prevalent depression is (and how inadequately understood.) The Matthew Johnstone books look very helpful, OP.

Very, very common in high achievers! I was one myself, hard as that may be to believe now. I've become aware of how the same underlying issues drove me to 'perfection' and then to my breakdown. It is possible to recover without digging that deep - I think most people would agree it's a matter of finding the best mish-mash of approaches for each individual.

I found it extremely hard to 'pace' myself gently enough (still do) - used to Getting Things Sorted, I wanted to fix the damn thing asap. Inevitably failing, I would plummet right down again & become even more angry at myself. God, I'm depressed just thinking about it! Meditation and meditative pastimes are as helpful as they're cracked up to be.

Gentleness: It was not a feature of my high-achieving life. To over-simplify, that is why I broke. Please note, it's absolutely crucial that YOU have enough gentleness, for yourself, in your life!

Good luck to you both. x

Thanks cestlavielife, I'll check out those books. I've visited the depression fallout website which was helpful. This illness has really damaged my marriage, it makes me so angry. Counselling would be a good idea.

Grace, DH has always been a Getting It Sorted type! Even now he's driving me bonkers making endless repetetive lists of things that need doing (that don't really NEED doing) and fretting on about them.