Just feel like crying...

[SpiritualKnot]

Posted on here lots since break up of marriage in March. Thanks for support.

Saw photos on facebook of the OW today, shown to me by my colleague, she's not plain as ex H said, but v glam. My colleague knows her but doesn't like her, says she's dead gobby. Colleague only showed me as I felt it would be helpful, as she (the OW), works in the town where I live and I could be speaking to her one day and not know.

Colleague says she's also seen the photos of them at their work Xmas party on Facebook. I can't access them and we didn't have time at work for her to show me on her account. He says it started at the end of Jan, but now I think it was longer.

Also found out that her parents are only 5 years older than me, how devastating is that? She's 20 years younger tham me.

You're still in the habit of making excuses for him, because he was your DH and standing by him was what one does. It takes a while to get out of that mindset, however much they don't deserve it. Don't make excuses about him to DD either, unless you know they're true. (Not the same as slagging him off. Just don't lie for the bugger.)

Agree with teaandcakeplease that he shouldn't be able to dictate when he comes to visit. There should be an agreed contact schedule, and if he wants something different he needs to ask you first, with reasonable notice. Not tell the child he is coming so that, if you don't just go with it, you become the mean one who wouldn't let her see her Daddy.

Is it possible to move the furniture around? Put the chair in another room, or just pile a load of books and magazines on it so he either can't sit there or has to do a lot of unaccustomed work for the privilege?

Brilliant idea about the chair Annie! Inspired! Move the furniture around AND put a pile of books on his chair.

I'd be also inclined to say that an 8pm visit is not convenient, the only purpose it will serve is to wind DD up and get her all excited right before bedtime.

Cancel it and insist that it's teatime for a couple of hours, no more. i.e that it finishes about 8pm, cos you have things to do, and he'll only get in the way. If he comes around earlier, then you can meet him at the door, hand DD over and tell him to take her to the park/out for a walk whatever, but that you don't need to have him in your home.

I'd also say that he can bring round the money he still owes you from the last maintenance payment while he's at it too.

PS: Won't be mentioning the money thing, this fuels things horrendously.He obviously needs all his money for booze, clothes and the OW.

I spoke to the solicitor yesterday and anything we arrange can be over-ruled at any time by the CSA apparently.

Great idea about the dog... when he brings them back take dog and DD from him and slam door...

Don't worry, you will soon have him out of your life for good.

Can you get some herbal sleep tablets to help you get some rest?

Thinking of you, have a good afternoon, will check back in later.

If it was me I'd go straight down the CSA route.

He chose to leave you, it does have consequences, its not about making things more difficult for him but having boundaries in place to so you can move on with your life. Be firm tonight and strong and maintain that dignity

I've got some herbal sleeping tablets and took some last night after I'd been on here. They worked well, fell asleep pretty quickly.

He's been round already, came about 5.30pm. Dd and I were busy cooking tea and having a real fun time, so we just got on with it, kept everything v light. He said he was starving and dd told him he didn't live here so couldn't have anything. She's only ll but was cooking a meal for us, so becomes very assertive when it's "her" kitchen!

Then he went and weighed himself...I encouraged him.... and was mortified that he'd put on so much weight. Dd weighed herself and weighed less than she thought, so I said that the scales must be reading slightly under today.(I didn't't really know whether it was light for her and neither did she...I just said that ...we're not weight obsessed..but he is)

So kept it light, but he left the house feeling that he was hungry and yet looked obese.

He asked me very reasonably whether he can see dd for the day next Friday and has asked her whether she'd like to see a film or go anywhere in particular.

So nothing earth shattering happened. The chat was light and superficial. See how it goes, have to go, dd needs me!

good for you sk! I think you both made a few points there, without even particularly trying! Nice one. I hope you're feeling proud of yourself and dd, you make a good team there! It'll get easier. Sleep well!

Thanks to everyone for your messages, they are just so helpful.They keep me sane. I live miles away from my RL friends and family, will probably move back to my original hometown once my daughter leaves secondary school.

I seem to feel better after seeing him which I know is wrong, but it reinforces to me that we are so much better off apart.

The thing is, for the years we haven't got on, I used to be at work and be dying to get home to see him, I'd get home and each and every time I was disappointed to see him.

The same happened yesterday, as soon as I saw him and spoke with him I thought "Thank God you've gone mate" and I felt at peace. I seem to idealise him in my head when he's not there.

When I see him, I see him for what he is, a weak, overweight, bloated, selfish man. When I don't see him I imagine a slimmer, more handsome version.

He also drinks a lot, which I will no longer have to endure.This girlfriend of his will be seeing the drunken version of him now, but if she's the pisshead I've heard she is, they'll probably get on fine?

Who cares?

You've got a terrific DD there by the sound of it