Just feel like crying...

[SpiritualKnot]

Posted on here lots since break up of marriage in March. Thanks for support.

Saw photos on facebook of the OW today, shown to me by my colleague, she's not plain as ex H said, but v glam. My colleague knows her but doesn't like her, says she's dead gobby. Colleague only showed me as I felt it would be helpful, as she (the OW), works in the town where I live and I could be speaking to her one day and not know.

Colleague says she's also seen the photos of them at their work Xmas party on Facebook. I can't access them and we didn't have time at work for her to show me on her account. He says it started at the end of Jan, but now I think it was longer.

Also found out that her parents are only 5 years older than me, how devastating is that? She's 20 years younger tham me.

AF-Am seeing the solicitor tomorrow, so will discuss with her. The agreement of how much he says he'll pay, has already been to the court,but that's just in the first part ie his agreement to the divorce, not the financial settlement.

MissHissy-Won't ask to see more photos tomorrow, you're right it'll just upset me. Think I've seen enough.Thanks teaandcakes, I think it would make me cry and that wouldn't be a good way to start the day at work. Will check out that link.

Swallowedafly-pretty pisshead-sums her up. Berries-yes I suspect, she'll move on from him at some point to another guy.

Everyone else, I agree that facebook has a lot to answer for!

Thanks for all the replies. I will move on from this.

yes, you will

what, , he's getting you to feel sorry for him after he put his dick before your family?

Oh let me at him... the utter twunt!

He's got a high bill cos he's calling his mates, or the ow, and comes crying to you, and you let him off some of his maintenance?

Get that money added back onto the next payment, and never ever allow him to barter down his dc and his exw again. For what?, a cheap bit of pussy????? Oh, I will have to step away now cos am livid on your behalf, and i've got a 5.5 hr drive back home in the morning..

The next time that comes aweeping and awailing about his finances and his sorry excuse for a life, take a good long deep breath and say to him in low, clear, slow tones,

'That's What you get when you fuck your family off for a cheap bit of skirt. You've made your flea-ridden bed, go ffing lie in it, you poor excuse for a man, You should be ashamed of yourself. I know i am.'

LMHF, if you continue in this vein, then I will be able to retire my AnyFucker persona from the relationships topic

knowing that my legacy will be continued into all perpetuity, by you, m'dear

you make me look positively meek, these days.....

Oh SK, I had no idea, I'm so sorry . What a sorry twat he is. But I thoroughly agree with LMHF.

how ya feeling today, SK ?

Hi AF,

Went to work today and the colleague said she'd tried to find the photos the previous evening and her friend has deleted the OW as a friend so couldn't access them. Just checked now and it's not true, she's still there....must have been bad, as my colleague has obviusly decided I need to be shielded from the truth.

However, it has provided some satisfaction for me. When he left he said it was all down to me that he was leaving. Made this OW sound like a plain dumpy woman. His actual words were "She's not as pretty as you, her body's not as good as yours...but that's not what this is about" ie it was all MY fault he was going. He said all that so that I felt responsible for him leaving, relieving him of any blame. Now I can see that he was being totally led by his dick!

Ex actually said to me that he hoped I would find someone more suited to me, maybe someone intellectual who wouldn't want a physical relationship. Cheeky git. He was the absolute worst "lover" I knew...

My colleague has told me she has a reputation, she is really full of herself, a pisshead and a flirt with her tits hanging out and short skirts. Sits there looking people up and down in a superior manner. Don't know how she's finding the sex with him, maybe she likes aggressive, drunken sex as she's a drunk herself?

I think, in the near future, you need to find a way to let him know he was "the worst lover you ever knew"

It doesn't matter what she is like

She could be Angelina Jolie, she could be Mother Theresa

I don't think it is helpful for your colleagues to speculate with you about her lifestyle, tbh

Just rememeber, if she really is such a man-eating cow, then he will get his just desserts won't he ?

And you won't be around to pick up the pieces when she fucks him off, will you ??

They all do this these men who cheat My H said some similar things to me. They seem incapable of taking the blame and transfer it onto us. I think sometimes they've spent so long in their head justifying the affair to themselves, they're incapable of actually taking any accountability for their actions and accepting it was their choice to have an affair and no one elses. We didn't put a gun to their heads and make them do it

I think for your own sanity you need to stop wanting to know about what he is up to with the OW and your friends need to stop telling you as well. It's a like a form of mental torture and just hurts.

I'm actually having counseling now and I am finding it immensely helpful and it is helping me let go and move on like never before.

I know how hard this is right now SK but it will get better. Come and join the support thread

If they do finish, I certainly won't be around to pick up the pieces. I don't think he'd even dare to try, after all the insults and lies he's given me.

SK, he will try

Believe me, I know it

Well, I hope the divorce comes through before he tries to come back, so I can remind him he's no longer my husband and he can piss off.

SK I agree with AnyFucker, he will try. I know of a bloke who cheated on his wife (she left him when she caught him at work inflagrante).

He's now 68 and desperate to get back to his wife, his 'one and only' true 'soul mate'. They're still friends as she refused to allow the break up to influence the children negatively but now the birds are home to roost and she holds her head high and all the strings.

Good luck to you and spend some money on yourself and not him!

CF...I like that story

what a sad old man he has ended up

all his own stoopid fault, of course

Sorry, been lurking a bit...Nothing useful to add...there's a surprise... but am concerned to hear that you are a mere persona AF. Quelle horreur!! I hope this is not true?

I am not real, PP

I am but a mirage, who will disappear in a puff of smoke at about 8pm tomorrow evening

and reappear on Tuesday as a sweet little old lady who sees the good in everyone (even cheating twats)

What an image AF!

He sounds very manipulative SK and a user. Sounds like a lucky escape.

That how to spot a loser link by Dr Joe Carver that does the rounds has a really good paragraph on disengaging from the loser.

A couple of very useful pointers here:

"- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty".

"Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Loser" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal".

Glad to hear you are still with us AF... and good to know you think I'm worthy of your baton...

I'm back home and knackered from my 6 hours in the car... so more meek than I've been of late...

SK, you sound more invigorated and back in more control of your life today, you don't need either him, OR her to be in your life. Keep strong and

FWIW, please don't speculate on the nature of the photos... it may be that the other person has reminded your colleague that what she is doing, i.e force feeding you with pics she knows will upset you on some level, is actually immoral.

There was an article in the Mail that talked about the office feeder. This cow is doing the same, but with FB and OW, and not buns and choccies!

So mini-aside here... Can we all have a think about if the Colleague pitched up here and said Should I tell her I've seen the OW all over FB, and go out of my way to make sure she gets to see what her dick of an ExH is banging these days...

What would we all tell any OP who asked us this here on MN? She'd be barbecued to a crisp!

SK, you are sooo much better off without that toxic tosser in your life!

oh yes, and I would take great pleasure in bbq'ing that horrid woman !

I never heard of an office feeder (I don't work in an office...), but it is interesting

I tend to think of it like this..

There is always a bitch, who likes to gossip (not always a woman, mind you...), who likes to think he/she has all the gen and takes some delight in making people feel bad

They are usually inadequate people who feed off all the drama...so they are best ignored. Or put right back in their place by saying "I don't think it's particularly kind to confront me with images that are certain to upset me....why would you do that ??..." (said with puzzled expression and cocked head)

LMHF...I love you x

Yep, bang on AF

It's a power thing... I can just see this colleague of SK, dribbling and drooling at the thought of having something salacious to tell SK... She is getting off on this big time.

So that's why I'm so utterly livid about the colleague. That's why I really lost the plot on this thread, cos talk about kicking someone when she's down....

OK so the ExH and the OW are naturally hateful enough, it's bad enough for one of us to have to face the day that we learn that our H is now an ExH and has kicked us off into the long grass.

It's another kick in the teeth to have the OW parading about as if she has a right to a normal life, having played a vital part in denying a family of theirs.

But the total piss-taker is the last of the unholy trinity. A bottom-feeder of the lowest possible level, picking at the bones of it all and regurgitating it all to the one that's been utterly hurt for no reason aside from the greed and stupidity of others....

SK, any chance you can take a last minute holiday somewhere, get away from this piece of poison, and the Ex and the OW? You could do with some clear head space!

AF loves me???....

I love SK too

So much love!!

Not feeling so strong anymore. It upset me a lot to see this OW is attractive, but my colleague didn't know I'd been told she was a teetotal frump, when she's actually a pretty pisshead.

Think her hatred of the woman overcame her need to shield me at first, she wanted me to know what a whore she was...I thought it helped me, but I now realise it has been no help to me at all.

I've been very upset and can't stop thinking about what his motives are by telling me these lies. But my proper friend at work says he is lying to me constantly and he is.

I'm going through a phase of being totally unable to talk to him and crying. Don't want to talk to him as I don't know what lies he'll give me next. Not helpful for the kids though, me being like this.

And why do I keep feeling sorry for him? Doing it again now, thinking maybe he was trying to protect me by saying the OW wasn't pretty. But that's not true, as I said earlier, he said it so that he could reinforce the fact to me that he was leaving because of me being awful, that the OW had nothing to do with it.

It's not really that she is pretty that bothers me, it's that it was such an obvious lie.

Sleeping very badly at the moment, been awake until after 3am since I saw the pictures of her (2 nights).

Anyway, off work tomorrow. H phoned earlier to tell dd he's coming tomorrow evening to see her. I don't know whether he should be asking me if it's convenient to visit rather than him telling her he's coming?

He comes to our house to see her and it's hard for me to see him sitting in "his" chair acting as if he's super comfortable. For the kids sake I put up with it. It'll be about 8pm he comes to see her, so I can hardly suggest he takes her out at that time.

Anyway,I'm rambling,obviously tired. Will try and sleep now.

He needs to agree contact times with you try and iron on what days he is coming regularly so it's predictable for you. Can you go out tonight when he comes? See a friend or something instead? To be honest now you're separated it IS ok to arrange for contact to be elsewhere, if it helps you. You're not married anymore, you are on paper but he has broken those wedding vows and things are over between you. He cannot come in and play happily families and act like he owns the place. You need to be firm and set up boundaries, otherwise you will not heal. If he is considerate he should realise the pain it causes.

It's very upsetting when they lie, my h lied and lied to me, even after we were separated. Try to remember that he is not the man you married anymore, they change drastically once the affair begins sadly. Their loyalty is no longer with you. He isn't in love with you anymore and he is acting selfishly and thinking about himself, not you. He probably lied about the woman partially to make it easier for you but also so that you wouldn't be so upset at him His motives will be selfish ultimately.

I read this book whilst separated from my h. I actually found it helpful and illuminating (I skipped the chapter on how to restore the marriage) it helped me a lot. I also now have counseling as well, which is really helping me.

Be firm with him SK. Whatever the motives of your friend, you need to protect yourself from now on.

There is more I could say but I should go and play with my DD but I'll be back later x

It is completely unacceptable that he is telling DD when he is coming to see her. Disrespectful to you and your life and unsettling for your DD that dad picks and chooses on a whim when he will come. Disgusting ebhaviour but true to type for him at least.

I'm pleased you can see that looking at the pictures isnt helpful. Try to protect yourself from that again, maybe explain to all your friends that no matter how well meaning they are you do not wish to know about OW.

It is soooo hurtful that he lied to you about how attractive she was. For some strange reason it is very important to know isnt it? When my DDs dad cheated on me is was the first thing I asked him and he was honest and said she was a lot younger and very attractive. I was devastated but a good friend of mine pointed out that it was actually better because had he left me for a complete frumpy old minger then it would be a rejection of my personality... as it was he was just a shallow wank shaft who wanted a trophy on him arm.

I can deal with that, his loss.

Plus as others have said, you only put your best self on Facebook. My DPs ex wife is really plain in real life and hasnt aged well at all. However, she has an amazing make up collection and great grooming skills.. she also airbrushes/ photoshops her facebook photos. Sometimes I see her on there and a little insecure whisper asks what he sees in me.. but then I remember what she is like in real life and it is very far removed from this.

Its hard SK but there is more to being a woman than a 'pretty' face.

I bet I know who your DD would think more beautiful!