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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like we only have sex when dh wants to

46 replies

trainsetter · 02/08/2010 19:59

Hell, we do. I said no last night as I wasn't really in the mood and he said it was okay and gave me a cuddle. He was a bit surprised as I rarely say no hussy.. We did have sex. Dh has a big glass of wine so I said "we not having a bonk tonight then?" and he said no. I am not suggesting he has sex with me when he doesn't want too, wouldn't happen anyway, but I do get a bit pissed off at times that it is always when he wants too.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 02/08/2010 20:02

"we not having a bonk tonight then?"

I think you need to hone your seduction technique

AnyFucker · 02/08/2010 20:10

why did you automatically assume that because he had a big glass of wine that "you were not having a bonk tonight then ?"

Original poster
trainsetter · 02/08/2010 20:12

Because he can't do it when he has had much to drink.

OP posts:
Gigantaur · 02/08/2010 20:14

I would hate it if Dp said that to me. Not exactly romnantic or seductive is it?

AnyFucker · 02/08/2010 20:15

does he have so much to drink he suffers from erectile dysfunction very often then ?

because that sounds rather shit,tbh

lazarusb · 02/08/2010 20:18

Why did you end up having sex when you said no?

nagoo · 02/08/2010 20:21

agree with BOF that you should work on your technique

And make him work a bit harder for it too!

(would like to point out that I am definitely not practicing what I preach... but ho hum)

Original poster
trainsetter · 02/08/2010 20:22

Gigantaur - it is no big deal what I said, We were in the lounge, it wasn't like I was half naked in the bedroom. .

AF - he doesn't need a lot to drink to not be able to have sex.

lazarusb - I changed my mind.

OP posts:
Malificence · 02/08/2010 20:30

Sounds like a bit of a non problem really (other than his drinking), why should him not being in the mood piss you off?

Does he regularly a. drink too much for sex, or b. turn you down when you fancy sex?

Original poster
trainsetter · 02/08/2010 20:31

Yes.

We are pretty mismatched, the clues were there .

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/08/2010 20:32

TS, I don't mean to press you, but I am not sure I understand

you implied that a lot to drink would mean that sex was off the menu, then say it doesn't take much to give him the droops

does he have erectile dysfunction ?

does he have an odd attitude like only men should initiate sex ?

lazarusb · 02/08/2010 20:33

Ok, I just wondered. If this is really a problem for you then you should talk to him and ask him to cut down his drinking.

maktaitai · 02/08/2010 20:35

Yeah, it's not much fun being the one with the higher libido (not that I ever am), it must feel like you are being controlled by them sometimes.

Does only penetration do it for you? I have to say that, although I can be fairly blunt with dh sometimes (because he never talks about sex so somebody has to), I would regard that as also quite a controlling thing to say to somebody. Could you have said something like, ah, a booze night, hope you'll still be up for driving me crazy with your silver tongue later? something a bit more positive?

god that sounds like the sort of chatup line terry wogan would use, sorry

Original poster
trainsetter · 02/08/2010 20:44

I realise this is probably a non-problem I was just feeling upset and rather than say the wrong thing to him, I posted here.

He has never wanted sex as much as me (I have issues) and it was never a problem until I got older and now I really want us to have more couple time full stop as well as have sex more.

If he has a couple of drinks he can't do it but then if he has had a tough say he will say to me he knows it won't happen. I suppose i don't get that as i can do it even if I don't want too, obviously, but I need up up and about. Sadly he won't do oral sex but I have said to him before he can just play but it hasn't worked its way into our his mind so could be an automatic alternative.

OP posts:
FluffyCut · 02/08/2010 20:56

i dont think its a 'non problem', from what you've said i think you might have quite serious issues as a couple:

'he won't do oral sex' - selfish twat

he cant do it after 'a couple of drinks' - thats not normal i dont think, would need to be far more than a couple to have any effect i think? (happy to be corrected on that)

'if he has a tough day he knows it wont happen' - i think perhaps he has a physical/mental issue he needs to go to drs about.

Original poster
trainsetter · 02/08/2010 21:01

He said he would do oral after we married. Has done twice, didn't like it, I couldn't relax but what he did was nice.

He won't go to the doctors about the stressful day = no sex and tbh I wouldn't ask him too. he is entitled to say no as much as me. It just seems that I never do and therefore we only do it when he wants.

He is the best husband. I just found my libido and he has got more sexy the longer we have been together.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/08/2010 21:01

fc, I agree

there are some big problems here

I don't know quite what though, OP isn't being very clear

is this libido mismatch a long-running thing, OP ?

is he controlling in other ways ?

I know not everyone loves oral sex, but can I ask, does he expect to recieve it from you?

Personally, I wouldn't be happy with someone who made a unilateral decision to "not do oral sex", bearing in mind that for many women it is often that which gives them most physical pleasure

FluffyCut · 02/08/2010 21:05

this has got to be a wind up - 'he said he'd do oral after we married' ????? Why on earth would someone say that? How controlling (besides WEIRD) to hold that back from your partner.

Most women don't orgasm through penetrative sex, they need additional stimulation either before sex, after sex or during, usually through oral sex or hand movements etc etc.

Original poster
trainsetter · 02/08/2010 21:05

We have always been mismatched in that I wanted it more in the beginning than him, then we kind of settled down, and now we are trying to be more together but it doesn't always work.

He isn't controlling at all and tbh the sex thing isn't about him having control, it is just about him saying no when I want him to say yes. Being stupid I know.

No, he has never wanted me to give him oral sex. It has never appealed to him as a giver or receiver.

I am so going to be in the morning at posting all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
trainsetter · 02/08/2010 21:07

Fluffy - he isn't controlling or weird. He just had different morals from the average early 20's guy I had been out with.

I never wanted to have sex before marriage, does that make me weird and controlling?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/08/2010 21:12

< gives up and wanders away >

FluffyCut · 02/08/2010 21:14

trainsetter - no of course it doesnt, if that is your moral stance to not have sex before marriage then fine. In that context, that you were both saving yourselves for marriage then his statement makes sense, without that rather critical piece of info, it didnt.

However, he's not now saying it for moral reasons, you're already married. He is just choosing that he wont have oral sex with you. Oral sex is not a strange 'out there' thing, its a normal part of, guessing here, 95% of people's sex lives (ie 95% of people who are sexually active do it). Its not really in the league of water sports is it

Along with the other things you mention, i would say (im not a dr obv) that he either has serious sexual issues/hang ups, or is nervous/inexperienced and needs some help (books? dvds? etc) or he just doesnt fancy you.

FluffyCut · 02/08/2010 21:15

Oh thanks AF, no, no, thanks

Original poster
trainsetter · 02/08/2010 21:17

We did sleep together before marriage, and that was a joint choice, I was just trying to make the point that different choices don't mean wrong ones.

AF - please come back. I am concerned now that it does mean he is controlling but I truly don't think he is in the sense that he enjoys the power over me.

I never wanted to give oral sex with exes but did it, irony is now I want too with DH and he doesn't want to do it.

I am in no doubt that he fancies me, I was just feeling low when he said no sex tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
trainsetter · 02/08/2010 21:27

I am off to talk to DH.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
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