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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like we only have sex when dh wants to

46 replies

trainsetter · 02/08/2010 19:59

Hell, we do. I said no last night as I wasn't really in the mood and he said it was okay and gave me a cuddle. He was a bit surprised as I rarely say no hussy.. We did have sex. Dh has a big glass of wine so I said "we not having a bonk tonight then?" and he said no. I am not suggesting he has sex with me when he doesn't want too, wouldn't happen anyway, but I do get a bit pissed off at times that it is always when he wants too.

OP posts:

AlisonDubois · 02/08/2010 21:36

You have a higher libido and want sex more often than he does. He obviously feels pressured with you waiting to pounce on him all the time.
If this was a man posting that his wife did not want sex enough, everybody would be up in arms against you.
Give him some space. Nothing worse than someone pestering you for sex every day...takes all the romance out of it.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/08/2010 21:44

It's not necessarily wrong and wicked and controlling to dislike giving oral sex. If a woman said she hated giving blowjobs, eveyrone would say, well you don't have to. And if a man doesn't like to lick fanjos, why should he have to?

I think it is possible that your H is feeling pressured- could you maybe agree that on certain days of the week only he is allowed to initiate sex, other days you can initiate it if you want to? This is often a good way of breaking the stressful circle of the high libido partner asking for sex, the other partner feeling anxious and therefore not keen, and unwilling even to say anything nice because s/he is worried that the other partner will see this as an indication that sex is on offer.

FluffyCut · 02/08/2010 21:55

I feel differently SGB, I think because for most women it is the easiest way for them to reach a climax, whereas oral sex for a man is a fantastic 'extra' if you like, not necessary for him to achieve climax. Of course Im generalising here but if a man doesnt want to do something so (for want of a better word) mainstream then that would suggest he has some issues imho.

Also he didnt say he didnt like it, he said he would 'do it after we were married' I think that is very controlling/weird actually. Especially as he has now gone back on that.

Think your week days idea is a good one, but also think there are far deeper issues here.

AlisonDubois · 02/08/2010 22:02

TBH, maybe he doesn't like giving oral sex because of 'cleanliness' issues. Don't mean to be rude here, but nothing worse than, shall we say, a whiffy' encounter for both men and women
He could have had a bad experience in the past which has completely put him off.

FluffyCut · 02/08/2010 22:05

AD - I was just off to bed, thanks for that thought which has now ruined my sex life for me

AlisonDubois · 02/08/2010 22:09

OOOPs sorry. but it is something that can cause a lifelong dread of.

FluffyCut · 02/08/2010 22:12

SolidGoldBrass · 02/08/2010 22:46

Sorry but surely everyone has the right not to perform a particuar sex act that they don't like?

Original poster

trainsetter · 03/08/2010 08:52

I think I love you SGB .

I will address some points raised. I am not pouncing on him constantly, nor asking for sex every day. He has finished work for a while and I was hoping we would have more time for ourselves.

He has only slept with me so no issues there and I am very clean .

He said after we were married due to not being ready when I asked and it not appealing before.

He doesn't need to give me oral sex for me to orgasm. He has always been very keen to sort that out for me if I haven't during penetrative sex and mostly he makes sure I come first.

We talked last night, I explained how I felt and I know I was acting like a spoilt kid who isn't getting what she wanted and really, we have no problems in our marriage apart from not getting enough time alone together.

OP posts:

FluffyCut · 03/08/2010 09:11

sgb - of course they do, however if it was, for example, kissing, then you could fairly safely surmise that they had some issues. To me, oral sex is in the same kind of ball park (morality aside, ie once you're comfortable in the relationship enough to be having sex at all). So if a partner of mine didnt want to Id like to know why I think.

anyway trainsetter appears to have sorted everything out on her own

ps - trainsetter - it could be the hair, i have a total euck about any hair and so prefer all that to be gone, worth a conversation anyway.

arfarfa · 03/08/2010 09:16

It's so unfair, in't it?
I mean, we never tell men that we aren't in the mood, do we!?!

Original poster

trainsetter · 03/08/2010 09:18

He def doesn't want no hair there.

I have to just accept it. Let's face it, it is my only complaint about him/our relationship.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 03/08/2010 09:30

with the oral sex - maybe he doesn't know how and he doesn't want to show that he has no idea - since he is not very experienced from what you say. And being tired and stressed and not feeling like it is a fact of life

My dh can do one hell of a massage btw and I don't mean sort of sleezy type just a good hard proper massage and after that I feel fantastic - zero stress anywhere. I learnt from him how to give a massage but he is better at it. You can go on courses and learn how to give a proper massage which is great for helping people unwind. Another thing that dh is good at which helps me unwind is making me laugh. It doesn't always have to be wine.

Sounds like a tool of some kind may be a thing for you to have, if you follow my drift

Original poster

trainsetter · 03/08/2010 13:28

On the 2 occasions he did it it was okay and would have been better if I could have relaxed. I have to accept he just doesn't want to do it.

OP posts:

Warbride · 03/08/2010 13:53

Trainsetter, I understand as we have the same problem. Frustrating isn't it. My DH is also 9 years older than me and has a lower sex drive than me and yes I guess he dictates and when time goes by and he doesn't initiate it, I start to get paranoid that he doesn't fancy me, has got someone else etc.. and so it goes on.

Not sure what the answer is really, we have talked about it and it gets me no where.

Just to let you know that you are not alone.

Warbride · 03/08/2010 13:56

Mine doesn't like the oral thing either and I don't blame him, I respect that it is something he doesn't like and I would not put pressure on him to do it.

Original poster

trainsetter · 03/08/2010 14:25

TBH there are worse things to moan about. I was just feeling fed up when I posted last night. Come to think of it the two guys who would go south also hit me so go figure what and who I would rather have.

OP posts:

FluffyCut · 03/08/2010 15:05

but they're not linked!!

they're not mutually exclusive - 'i can either have someone who has oral sex or someone who doesnt hit me!!' You can have a non hitting, oral sex giving guy!

I must 'know' at least 25 men sexually through my experiences or my friends' experiences and none of them has hit and all of them partake in oral sex.

And anyway, its deeper than just the oral sex, he doesnt want to, you're not that bothered - great, all fine. But you also say e cant have sex after one drink, that would suggest he has a medical problem - diabetes maybe? and needs to see a dr.

Original poster

trainsetter · 03/08/2010 15:16

Oh I know but I would rather have someone who didn't want to do oral and didn't hit me, obviously. I am bothered but there is no point being so really as he doesn't want too. The drink think has always been the case.

OP posts:

Llamasarequadrapeds · 03/08/2010 15:21

I too feel as though affection and sex can only be had when DH is 'in the mood'. If I try to initiate anything between times I am gently discouraged.

The thing is, as soon as he is in the mood he expects me to be waiting!

Can be very frustrating, OP I know how you feel.

FluffyCut · 04/08/2010 22:04

Im really annoyed I bothered posting on this thread

"we have no problems in our marriage apart from not getting enough time alone together". very funny.

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