Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Possible nephew of dead bil...

28 replies

NameChanger0987654321 · 01/08/2010 11:02

OK, namechanger, and if you recognise me, PLEASE don't tell anyone, reasons will become clear...

DP (to become DH very soon) was asked out for drinks with friends of his brother who died last year. They sat him down and told him that they think that he should know that his brother had a child- a 10 year old. Apparently nobody ever knew for sure (including BIL) but the mother now has proof and would like DP to give some DNA as apparently tests work with close relatives. He is also now meant to tell his parents.

BIL was a bit of a "ladies man", a bit rock and roll, and it is believable, in fact it wouldn't be outlandish for a couple of children to appear. However, he doted on DD1 and surely he would have made the effort to be in contact with his own possible child? He was a good man, but not exactly settled down, so you could imagine him not rushing a pregnant girlfriend down the aisle, but I would have said he would have wanted to be involved. But then I suppose I only really saw him at family things until he was ill.

Why has the mother only revealed herself now? BIL had mentioned something like this to DP, but we thought he was talking about a baby or toddler.

Does anyone have any advice? I really don't know what to do, apart from generally be there for DP. Do we tell DPs parents? Do we meet the mother first? I don't want to upset this woman, but at the same time what if she is making it up? Why would she make it up though? Can DP really provide useful DNA for a test?

OP posts:

Aethel · 01/08/2010 11:06

Bit of a shock for your DH. Would it be of benefit for BIL's DD to have a half brother? Would the grandparents like another grandchild? It might be very positive. Are there issues of inheritence or did he leave a well executed will?

Original poster

NameChanger0987654321 · 01/08/2010 11:18

By DD1 I meant mine and DPs DD1- as far as we knew, BIL was childless. The grandparents absolutely adore my two, and are obviously devestated at the loss of their son, but it would cause a lot of heartache if things went wrong somehow.

He didn't have a will, he left a few guitars and a computer, which we have (I presume DP would be happy to share or even give everything to his nephew though- it is only really sentimental value) and a small amount of money (in the hundreds rather than the thousands) Nothing that would warrant any kind of life changing decisions on the part of the child's mother though.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/08/2010 11:19

Yes, he can provide useful dna. If he is a sibling, then his dna will be of use in determining if the child is a relative.

Original poster

NameChanger0987654321 · 01/08/2010 11:22

I just realised my title makes no sense...Nephew from dead bil?

OP posts:

Hassled · 01/08/2010 11:23

Well if you do nothing you're going to be spending many many years wondering if there is a nephew out there - I think your DP needs to do whatever's needed re the DNA (and certainly in say police investigations they successfully use the DNA of family members to identify people - not sure if this is available to the general public though).

And I think you owe it to the boy - if he is the BIL's son, he has a whole family he might want to get to know at some stage. I'm guessing this is what's motivating the mother - possibly it's only now that the boy is asking questions about his father. And if he isn't the BIL's son, equally he needs to know that.

Original poster

NameChanger0987654321 · 01/08/2010 11:28

So how does DNA testing work? Is it quick? It is very nearly the first anniversary of BILs death, so would be good to know before then or it is going to be very hard to keep it all under wraps. DP only wants to tell his parents when he is sure- his poor mum wouldn't cope if it isn't true.

I'm actually quite excited by the idea of getting to know this nephew, but I'm a bit more removed than DP and his parents. DP is having very mixed feelings but I don't think he has really got his head around it yet.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 01/08/2010 11:29

how come the mother now has proof?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/08/2010 11:30

It's just blood, or a swab from the mouth, isn't it? And yes, the dna should be able to tell if they are related.

Be better, I would have thought, to get dna from your husband's parents? But of course, that means telling them it's a possibility, which might not be a good idea. Probably better to wait until you are reasonably sure.

Aethel · 01/08/2010 11:32

Ah I see. So there is no sibling and no money worries. Could all prove very positive I would do the test, how could you not? I would also take it slowly. Good luck!

Original poster

NameChanger0987654321 · 01/08/2010 11:33

ZZZ- I have no idea. I'm away visiting parents and DP is rubbish at giving details. I will be quizzing him in person when I get home as I think he is just bewildered. I don't think he has actually met the mother, so I think it would be wise for me to be there when he does, or even for me to act as a messenger at first, as I feel for the poor mother of the child too- it must be really difficult for her.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 01/08/2010 11:35

well it is quite odd that for 10 years no one knew for sure that he was BIL's son and now the mother has proof after the father's death.

May not be anything sinister about it but it is odd.

I think if it is possible to test with dh's dna and the results would be reasonably conclusive, it would be good to know one way or the other for all involved. I think I would first like to meet the mother for a chat.

whomovedmychocolate · 01/08/2010 11:38

There are two methods of collecting DNA generally used, the first is a swab from the inside of the mouth which is uncomfortable but not painful, the second is a special tube you spit into. The first is more readily available.

The results can take up to three weeks depending on the lab. And sometimes have to be repeated if not enough cells are grabbed.

I would suggest there is a case for not telling the DD - yet. But you should tell her mother!

If the boy is 10 - he may not want to know either. You say his mother has proof - how is this possible without DNA evidence? Not doubting you but unless she taped the conception it's doubtful without DNA she can prove this. She may well have proved who is not the father if there were two possibilities though.

Original poster

NameChanger0987654321 · 01/08/2010 11:38

How would you play it with the mother though? I can't exactly shine a light in the poor woman's eyes and demand to know her sexual history from a decade ago, can I?

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 01/08/2010 11:41

I would play it that the grandparents (BIL's parents) are obviously very fragile because of his death last year and you are very concerned that they do not raise hopes of having a grandson and then have these hopes dashed. That is why you are being careful.

I am thinking it is possible she was in a relationship at the time she conceived and assumed her partner/husband was the father. Perhaps recently medical developments have proven that this cannot be the case. Really otherwise I am a bit baffled by it.

whomovedmychocolate · 01/08/2010 11:41

It's possible of course the mother thinks there is no harm now if he's dead of revealing him to her son. If she thinks he was (sorry) a complete shit who would corrupt her son, but now he's dead so he can be remembered kindly, then perhaps that's why she's emerging now.

Either that or he promised her something when he died.

I would suggest your DH says to her 'look, if you think he's the father, let's find out for sure. If you are, you are family and so we ought to know so we can be there for you' (note the care to not use the term 'support you' there.

ZZZenAgain · 01/08/2010 11:45

it is of course entirely possible that although there is no inheritance to speak of, she is hoping the family will help her financially. If she knows your husband's family is reasonably well off, it is of course a possibility. Perhaps BIL was helping her out a bit even if he did not officially recognise his son.

I think you need to meet and listen to what she says. It is a little hard to understand butthere could be quite a few explanations for this

sayithowitis · 01/08/2010 11:47

is it possible the child's mother has heard of the death of BIL and thinks there may be some financial gain for her and her son? Otherwise, as others have said, it does seem odd that now, after the death of the potential father, she suddenly has 'proof' that he is the father. Except she doesn't have proof does she? or she wouldn't need your DP to give DNA.

Original poster

NameChanger0987654321 · 01/08/2010 11:51

We were wondering if maybe she wants to know the medical details of the family- ie did BIL die of anything hereditary? Or perhaps the boy has some kind of health problem emerging around puberty that could be hereditary.

BIL was quite rock and roll, especially when he was younger (he was your leather trousered, long haired, make upped, rock music loving type) so maybe he treated the woman badly? Not the BIL I knew, but I only met him four years ago. He does have a girl on each arm in all the photos...

A few women came and told us at the funeral that he had a bit of a "thing" going on with them, and he was seriously ill by the end, so that is pretty good going...they all seemed to have very fond memories of him though.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 01/08/2010 11:56

I think your dh was understandably a bit stunned when he heard all this. Would it be possible to think of some questions and then call up one of thos friends of BIL to find out a bit more first?

Original poster

NameChanger0987654321 · 01/08/2010 23:45

Apparently she has emails off BIL where he basically is talking about his son. DP is refusing to believe her. He hasn't actually spoken to her, but he is refusing to even think about the possibility without a DNA test. I think he is just shook up.

He showed me the woman on facebook- she has her profile really locked down so I can't even search for her, but he has her as a friend. She has pictures of her son on there. DP says he looks nothing like their family, but, to me (bearing in mind I didn't know them as children) the boy does actually look quite like the boys in this family. Again, though, that isn't exactly scientific- unfamiliar little boys do all look very samey.

I feel so awful looking at the pictures of the little boy, but I really want this to go well. I'm worried that DP is so emotionally mixed up that he will go in all guns blazing, but, really, why would the woman be lying? BIL obviously at least had some inkling and if he was sending emails, well that makes me think that he wanted to keep it from his family for some reason and she only feels able to reveal it now. That little boy deserves to at least meet his grandparents and cousins, even if he will never know his dad.

What can I do?

OP posts:

CarGirl · 01/08/2010 23:53

I would encourage him to do the DNA test. BTW we had to give a small sample of blood for DNA testing for the CSA?

Original poster

NameChanger0987654321 · 02/08/2010 00:39

Do I send the woman a message myself? I don't want to interfere if it is a bad idea, but DP seems to be shutting it out, and I don't want her to think the family isn't worth bothering with- PIL would be overjoyed, as would DP, he is just shocked.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 02/08/2010 00:49

It's very probable that the mother has recently had some conclusive evidence that her DS is not the son of whoever she initially thought he was. (if the kid is 10 they may have got as far as doing blood group testing at school and the kid comes home saying his blood group is one that couldn't be right if his father was his father...). It's equally possible that, for whatever reason, BIL and the mother knew about the boy's parentage but had decided to keep it quiet and the mother feels that now he's dead, it can't hurt him and her DS should know his family. Maybe she was married to someone else at the time who is now either also dead or has fucked right off. I would certainly say: go for the DNA testing so you know, and then you either welcome a new nephew - which would almost certainly be some comfort to the grandparents - or leave the boy be.

wukter · 02/08/2010 01:54

There is nothing to be gained by not doing the tests. No one need know except the people who already know.
When you have answers you can - slowly, slowly, for all concerned - integrate the little boy into your family.

gtamom · 02/08/2010 02:12

Probably be best to not tell the PIL until the test result is in,so they won't be let down. If it is positive, they may be overjoyed. I know if my brother died, then a previously unknown about child appeared in our lives, I would be so very happy to have a bit of him back.
I have a feeling the woman's motives are not materialistic, her son is probably asking questions, or maybe she feels the family would gain comfort from the boy?
Good luck, hope you all know the truth soon.

Flip

1 2