Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Internet dating - the 'codes'

38 replies

berries · 31/07/2010 22:34

so, complete novice to internet dating. Have written a profile but a bit concerned it's reading as 'up for it', when I meant looking to meet new people not just interested in soul mate.

Any tips, things to watch over for?

OP posts:
TiggyD · 31/07/2010 22:48

I find it helpful to set a few basic requirements in people who are interested in me. I ignore:

People with cock pics
People with one line profiles
People who can't spell
Those wanting discrete relationships. (Means they're married)
People who ask for a shag before saying hello.
People who clearly haven't read my profile.

After a person passes those conditions I'll chat to them to find out more. Don't waste time and effort replying to the deadbeats and no-hopers.

BEAUTlFUL · 01/08/2010 00:45

Don't use the words "fun", "bubbly" or "curvy" unless you want to be perceived as a nymphomaniac alcoholic who needs two seats on an airplane.

berries · 01/08/2010 07:38

Thanks for that. had a few responses, including a couple who kept asking for phone number so we could chat. Think I may need to get a new sim card for this

OP posts:
thesouthsbelle · 01/08/2010 07:59

ref the number - I used to say something along the lines, of hold ya horses, I like to get to know someone a bit first before I give it out - cos not just anyone gets it! same with my MSN as well.

also think anyone who says 'got a cam' straight away is a no go. plus text speak. god I was so snobby - but it's good thou.

met DP online and he actually admitted that even thou we only wanted to be friends at first, the fact he had to work harder to get my number & actually be about more when I was (ie not just ogging onto MSN and chatting - as usually he'd be on late, so i'd basically reply to his evening message and i'd be of) ayhow those 2 points meant he had to work harder which in turn he says made him realise I wasn't just after the 'usual' stuff apparently.

also don't let yourself be drawn into sexual chat online.

purplepeony · 01/08/2010 11:34

There was a feature on how to write a profile in one of the broadsheets a couple of weeks back- a guy does it for money!

You should sound interesting and busy. Have you thought of asking a friend to read it for you?

berries · 01/08/2010 11:40

I am interesting and busy , and good info re: the phone number. My instinct wasn't to give it out as I don't normally. There's an IM chat function on site so just going to stick to that for now.

Haven't asked anyone to read profile for me - they're all on holiday at the moment! Will take it slow and see what happens - am resisting the urge to get back on and check emails

OP posts:
zookeeper · 01/08/2010 11:46

I wouldn't spend too much time messaging them - I used to give out my number and talk quite early on - you can tell much more easily if you will get on in a phone conversation. You can always block their number if they turn out to be odd.

Treat men who won't give you their landline number with GREAT caution ...ime they're married.

berries · 01/08/2010 11:53

but I don't give out my landline as easier to block on mobile if need to. Does that mean they'll think I'm married

OP posts:
purplepeony · 01/08/2010 12:32

Just to give info from the other side- my brother ( 46, single, no kids, never married!) does internet dating and his biggest complaints are:

women who want long email "converstaions" ie- more than say 3/4 and won't talk.

Women who talk but won't meet, or who seem too busy to meet ( some have actually arranged and date with him and said "hope I remember!!"

women who don't read his profile carefully and email him even when they are way outside what he says he wants.

I think you should also take profiles with a pinch of salt- I know of men who say they are separated but their wives won't think that! If they only contact you office hours and always from a mobile be suspicious.

There are genuine guys out there and happy endings, but there are also a lot of guys just looking for fun/sex- fine if that's all you want too.

HinnyPet · 01/08/2010 13:14

How do you block a number on mobile?

Angelcat666 · 01/08/2010 13:36

I've set up a separate email addy that I can give out to anyone I meet on a dating site so we can email/msn one another.

beingsetup · 01/08/2010 15:22

Men who email "hi, how are you?" and then want to meet. That's all I seem to get and I would really need more info than that to meet them.

Men who send sex texts immediastely for obv reasons.

Men who text/call during your date.

I think I'll never meet someone lol!

purplepeony · 01/08/2010 15:27

when they want to meet ( too soon) what do you say?

thesouthsbelle · 01/08/2010 19:14

just say you've a lot of things on so will have to come back to them. To be honest with all others i was keen to meet etc but with dp it was sort of meh we do we do we don't never mind next time there was no real push or urgency. I would email 3 or 4 on the site not replying right away either then give msn and mobile as a final thing if they were somethin i thought was worth it. Selfish as it sounds i sort of adopted an i'm fab and busy so if we're in the same place at the same time great if not ah well. Took a load of bad ones to figure that out thou.

BEAUTlFUL · 01/08/2010 21:46

" i sort of adopted an i'm fab and busy so if we're in the same place at the same time great if not ah well"

I love this attitude! It's perfect!

RumourOfAHurricane · 01/08/2010 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

berries · 01/08/2010 23:04

that explains it - I'm a screwing around oral sex obsessive - no wonder it sparked so much interest

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 02/08/2010 00:58

Get a spare simcard or even spare mobile and use it only for internet dating followups. That way you can bin the simcard if you attract an utter fuckup. 'Looking for fun' does tend to mean 'looking for sex'. Be willing to go on dates with anyone who sounds remotely nice - a date is no big deal, meet in a public place and tell someone where you are going, and if you don't like him when you meet, make a polite excuse and leave without looking back.
Remember that neither you nor your internet dates owe each other anything more than common courtesy - you don't have to 'make the effort' or 'give him a chance' if you think he's a knob, or a bore, or just plain fugly.

oh and watch out for anyone who claims to be genuine - that's shorthand for desperate and repulsive.

EvilDrPorkChop · 02/08/2010 01:17
  1. Trust your instincts

  2. Repeat SGB: you don't owe anyone anything! A lot of the normal "real life" rules do not apply, people will chat to you online happily for a couple of weeks then blank you, it happens, do not obsess - and don't worry about ignoring people you aren't interested in, I used to email people with a polite response, even if I wasn't interested, then gave up as it used to invite abuse/argument!

Agree completely with TiggyD she gives very sound advice.

There are some losers, also some lovely people. Met DP through match.com for drinks a year ago today, all together now... oh and also DO NOT respond to anyone who doesn't have a profile picture! I had all sorts including "the well known public figure" who couldn't put his picture online (yeah RIGHT). Also, when someone offers to send a pic of themselves to your private email address after you have been chatting online for a while, it is horrendously embarrassing when you have to drop them like a hot brick because they are gurning for the Commonwealth. Good luck!

aurynne · 02/08/2010 04:25

Run away from the whingeing types that complain about "women who always go for the good-looking bad guys and ignore the nice ones like me". These men have very low self-esteem and tend to be obsessive stalkers. They will also try to guilt-trip you into seeing them more than once, even when your own instinct keeps telling you to ignore and move on. Trust your instinct!!!

Keep away from the ones who use the phrase "I am not like all those other a$$holes out there". They usually are the worst kind of a$$holes.

If some guy looks and behaves like a freak, it is because he IS a freak. Ditto, run for the hills and don't feel guilty about it.

Do what you feel comfortable doing in the time you feel it's right. Don't give a $hit what other people think you should do. You are always in charge, after all, it's your own search for the man of your life.

Don't feel pressurized to give explanations when you refuse contact/a date/a followup. Just say "NO" or "That just doesn't work for me". Remember once again, you don't owe anyone your time or effort.

Oh, and don't forget: you are having fun with this. Relax and enjoy, and never let any "date" make you feel bad about yourself. Don't get too attached on first/second or even third dates. It is, after all, a game. Take "failures" with humor and laugh about yourself. It is much better than taking things personally.

Good luck!

aurynne · 02/08/2010 04:29

Oh, one final one, but a very important one: ALWAYS assume that the guy is NOT going to call you back. Even after the loveliest first date, in which "you just clicked" and "he looks like such a wonderful person". You will be appalled at the number of great dates in which the guy simply disappears and refuses to respond to your calls and messages. Don't ever chase these guys. Wait until they make contact. I know it sounds sexist, but there is this bit of truth for any man: if he is interested in you, he will move Heaven and Earth to contact YOU.

And if the contact does not happen... let a big sigh out, smile, and move on. You escaped from a lying faking idiot. NEXT!

thesouthsbelle · 02/08/2010 08:23

see aury i used to do that but with dp and the one before i texted when i got home saying thanks for a lovely night must do it again sometime. do agree with after that thou i've always waited for dp to text me first. Apparently it keeps him on his toes lol. also thanks beautiful was worried it would sound arrogant but honestly i think if the bloke is worth it they'll understand to the point of not caring if i have to do 2 hours of ironing when they want to see me and will actually lay on the bed and put the socks together.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/08/2010 09:11

Oh yes, do remember that guys are just as entitled to walk away from you as you are from them and they don't have to explain themselves either. Do NOT take the attitude of the occasional whinyarses who show up on these threads complaining that men they are emailing still have active profiles on dating sites - until you're had the monogamy/exclusivity discussion with someone (which you shouldn't do on the first date as it makes you look desperate and stalky) it's none of your business who else they are dating or shagging. You;re certainly not 'in a relationship' with somene you haven't even met yet.

aurynne · 02/08/2010 09:18

Completely agree, SGB. Also, if you're using the Instant Messaging with a guy on the dating website and he takes a bit longer than usual to reply to your messages... Don't ask him if he is talking to some other women!!! Many women become controlling of the guy they're chatting with, even if they haven't dated him once yet. Yes, he is probably chatting with other women as is his bloody right to.

berries · 02/08/2010 20:36

so, currently in contact with 3.

No 1 is hot & sexy but obviously after casual hook up. Must admit I'm tempted but never done that before (and there's other complications which I'll list later)

No 2 seems quite nice but suspect still screwed up after divorce and not very confident. Think he may be hard work although may meet for coffee and see

No 3 is lovely, nice smile (on photos), have had good chats on IM but he's too short!

Other complications, have been in a casual relationship with the 'love of my life' for last 12 months. He's always been very honest about what he wants/doesn't want (started as FWB but guess I knew what would happen from the start), but am finding it really hard to walk away. Thought this might help but not sure now :-(. Still feels like cheating to me, even though he doesn't want exclusive (although he's not actually seeing anyone else ). Guess really I'm probably just not ready for this.

And before I get flamed, not led anyone on with claims to be looking for a soulmate, just friends and take it from there.

OP posts: