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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

40 wks pregnant and partner doesnt want us

36 replies

lozwil · 31/07/2010 14:56

hi, this is the first time i have posted i am 40 wks and my husband has been distant for over 6 mnts he has now decided that if when the baby comes he crys too much or his life changes too much he is going to leave ( he has even had house valued). I am upset by this but whenever i get upset or try to talk he gets annoyed and walks out - any advice do u thinks it is just cold feet cos he is nervous about the baby coming ( it is our first) or do u think he is a selfish idiot who is going to leave ( He is nearly 30 and he suggested trying in the first place) HELP!

OP posts:
ValiumSingleton · 31/07/2010 15:00

What a horrible time for you. I know you must find it hard to believe, but you will get over this, and you will be delighted with your baby and you will know that you have what really counts.

Try to enjoy your baby. You can concentrate 100% on your baby. Don't let this indecisive weak man's abandonment of you and your baby ruin the baby's first year.

It's a tough time because you feel quite vulnerable after having a baby, but you will feel stronger and happier again in time.

Enjoy your baby

x

Original poster
lozwil · 31/07/2010 15:19

Thanks 4 that i really am trying to focus on all the positives it just helps to get someones elses perspective rather than wallowing in self pity like i have been 4 past few weeks

OP posts:
SassySusan · 31/07/2010 15:29

Message deleted

SassySusan · 31/07/2010 15:32

Message deleted

RunawayWife · 31/07/2010 15:50

Get to the CAB and safe guard your self financially, he sounds like a prize twat

Rafwife · 31/07/2010 16:21

What a complete and utter dick. I hate the way the word abuse is thrown around. I'd say this was emotional abuse, it's bloody cruel.

If it were me I'd get to a solicitro to safeguard your interests and tell him you are doing so.

I'd also tell him to make a decision, he either decides NOW if he is going to be supportive or he fucks off NOW.

Don't let him call the shots like this and have you hanging, how awful for you. You'd be better on your own.

secunda · 31/07/2010 16:22

I bet you anything he ISN'T planning to leave, he is just saying this now so that when the baby arrives he can manipulate you into putting him first and not the baby with the threat that he's going to leave. Well fucking let him, then. You'll get to keep the house and get financial support and he'll have pretty much nothing.

secunda · 31/07/2010 16:22

He is definitely your husband, right? You are married?

onadietcokebreak · 31/07/2010 16:24

Please also try and maintain some financial independance ie seperate bank accounts.

He sounds so unreasonable. TBH I would be packing his bags

Morloth · 31/07/2010 17:30

What a prick, do you have someone to help you? Your Mum or someone? Definitely see a lawyer, you need that house for your baby, he can fuck right off.

I agree with secunda, he is messing with your head. Stop letting him do it, tell him right now to either man up and stop being such a dick or to get the hell out.

You don't have time for this shit. How dare he do this now (well ever really, but especially right now).

expatinscotland · 31/07/2010 17:36

What Morloth said.

mathanxiety · 31/07/2010 17:48

I also agree with Secunda. You have a prize narcissist on your hands, and he has done you the favour of revealing this in black and white.

He is doing this now because it is so not about him at this point, and for the last 6 months since your pregnancy and your health and the baby were the only things anyone wanted to pay attention to, that he can't bear it. He has probably been fuming silently as the realisation dawned upon him that he now has competition and his ego can't handle it.

Please see that solicitor, open a separate bank account, gather RL support around you for a long haul, and be prepared for your H to behave like a spoiled 2 year old when the baby arrives. It will be like dealing with an older child's rage at dethronement. Not nice in a toddler and positively horrible with someone older (age-wise but not emotionally).

There is no magic answer to the misery someone like this can cause you and your child, barring separate addresses.

SassySusan · 31/07/2010 19:03

Message deleted

poshsinglemum · 31/07/2010 21:29

Mabe kick him out anyway? Do you really want this dead wieght pulling you down? I do feel for you- how cruel.

Over40 · 31/07/2010 22:48

He doesn't have cold feet and won't change. Kick him out now so that you can concentrate on the most important people. You and the baby. Is there anyone who can come and stay with you? You will also need a different birth partner. Please don't have him there as he will not give you the attention and support you will need.
I feel so sorry you are in this position. My exH greeted the birth of our DD with the words "You're the one that wanted her, now you get on with the job" - this followed a simple request for some help trying to get ehr to feed and she was less than 12 hours old. I had clung onto the idea he might change when she arrived, as his behaviour had been completly ambivelent (sp?) throughout my pregnancy - but it didn't. I wish I'd had a different birth partner too as this was a rather frightening experience for which I could have done with a friend.
Please put yourself first. He is a real low life to put you in this position and is trying to call all the shots. Take back the power and control and make the final decision.....unfortunatly the man you wanted doesn't exist and the monster in his place needs to leave.

mathanxiety · 01/08/2010 06:45
sillysow · 01/08/2010 07:14

Hi lozwil I am sorry that things are like this for you, I just really wanted to say to try and concentrate on yourself and your baby...... you have a fairy big event coming up in your life!
Try to put DH, his thoughts and actions on the back burner for now. I would assume it is as others have said - he does not like the attention going on you/the unborn. Not that violence is an issue here.... but they do say that domestic violence increases in pg for the same reason.

Take very good care of yourself, and your baby. Try to rest. Do you have anyone else lined up as a birth partner just in case?

BalloonSlayer · 01/08/2010 07:38

Oh my God!

What an absolute arse.

I second telling him you do not wish to wait for him to decide whether your baby is good enough for him, and that his life WILL change for good, so he might as well get out NOW. Tell him to pack his bags, or do it for him in advance if you have the energy.

It might just shock the selfish nobber into realising what he is about to lose. Or he will actually go, in which case good riddance, because however hard it will be on your own, it's nothing compared to the misery a creature like him will inflict on you when you are dependent with a tiny baby and needing support.

LittleMissHissyFit · 01/08/2010 18:49

you're getting some very good advice here, please listen to it op. Get your own position safe, house ownership, bank accounts etc they just zone him out. He's no longer part of your life, he's made that very clear.

Don't rise to him, tell him to ff the ff off and when he gets there to ff off some more. Appreciate it's nigh on impossible, but stay very calm, don't panic, get yourself prepared properly, and there's very little he can actually do to you.

Don't stay with him, don't put up with this, cos if you do, he'll only get worse and you'll be running yourself ragged to care for your dear little baby, and this great big useless one. You don't even have to say a word to him, put his bags on the drive, and open the door and point to it. When he's through it, slam door and bolt it.

Then send his sorry arse over to us.. We'll kick the shit out --of him set him straight.

fatlip · 01/08/2010 19:02

I too think he has no intention of leaving. Just wants the attention back on him and also to make sure you bend over backwards making thE baby as little inconvenience to him as possible.

It's far too easy to tell people to split up on here but I would be tempted to call his bluff. If you don't and he doesn't leave you'll be setting the pattern for the rest of your days.

SugarMousePink · 01/08/2010 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 02/08/2010 18:32

Lozwil, how are things? Have you had the baby?

GeekOfTheWeek · 02/08/2010 19:55

Get rid.

Prick.

Zimm · 03/08/2010 15:47

Call his bluff and throw him out. Although I agree with other posters - he is just saying this so he can manipulate you when baby arrives, making sure you have to do everything etc. I'd still throw him out though.

ValiumSingleton · 03/08/2010 15:49

Hope you're ok and enjoying your baby

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