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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP doesn't care about me, does he?

28 replies

SickOfEverything · 31/07/2010 13:39

I have posted about this before but I just want to verify everyone elses opinion on this. Basically DP and I have decided to live seperately from each other (as we can't get on with each other's children full time) but carry on the relationship living seperately. He swore he still cared about me, still loved me and still wanted to live with me AFTER the kids had grown up. I agreed. But since then the way he is acting and things he has said has really made me wonder if he gives a shit about me at all.
For one thing, he doesn't seem to give a shit that I'll be leaving with hardly any furniture. I'll be basically taking one chest of drawers and the washing machine. He will be left with a wardrobe, the double bed, oven, fridge, freezer, tumble dryer, TV, sofa, living room cabinet - pretty much everything. Whilst I'll have no bed, no bed for my son (he even moaned about me taking a single matress for my son to sleep on until I could afford him a bed as "he paid for it"! I'll have no oven, no fridge, no TV, no sofa - nothing. Now to me, if you're still in a relationship you wouldn't want your oh to move out like this, surely?? I know I wouldn't let someone I supposely cared about move out with nothing, not even the bare essentials.

Most of the stuff was his before I moved in, he insisted on me getting rid of all my stuff and now he doesn't seem to give a shit, as long as he's ok.

Another thing is some of the things he says. Like he'll say "I don't want to have another relationship with someone else, I don't want to hassle, I just want to stay with you". Am I being paranoid in translating this to say "I'm too lazy to look for a real relationship so you'll do".

He keeps going on about the future and how we can get together after I qualify and get a nice house together, this to me says "don't want you while you're poor but I'll stick around until you qualify for the promise of money"

He says "when we live seperately, we won't have to speak everynight, but we'll be able to go out and do stuff on a weekend". In other words "can't be arsed to talk to you, but when I'm bored on the weekend I'll be in touch".

Another thing is I have a snake and I don't think I'll be able to take him with me. DP keeps saying "you'll have to get rid of it, there's no way you're leaving it here, I don't want it" yet when I first moved in here he had his EX-WIFE'S snake because she couldn't take it with her and he felt guilty making her get rid of it! yet its ok for me to get rid? he wouldn't do the same favour for me??

Ok so am I being high maintanance, paranoid, spoilt brattish or does he really not give a shit about me really? he just wants an easy weekend girlfriend who can relieve boredom and pay half towards holidays once a year?

Yes it was both of our decisions to live seperately but if someone says they care about you and love you, you'd expect slightly more than this, surely???

OP posts:
colditz · 31/07/2010 13:43

No, he doesn't care.

I'm sorry.

RealityKicksArse · 31/07/2010 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CarGirl · 31/07/2010 13:44

No he doesn't care about you. Take as much stuff as you can and start over without him.

ValiumSingleton · 31/07/2010 13:45

I think you have read between the lines very well.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 31/07/2010 13:47

Everyone, including you, is right. He doesn't care, you're just going to be a convenient shag, and you should cut the whole thing clean and look for someone who does care instead.

thumbwitch · 31/07/2010 13:51

You are right. Everything you said (apart from the last bit re high maintenance etc.) is right. He doesn't give a flying fuck about you but wants to keep you around cos it's easier. Talk about having cake and eating it - bet he'll still bring his washing around as well cos you've got the machine!!

Tell him to fuck the fuck off and get as much as you can from him, because you're never going to get the chance or anything else from him again.

Shaz10 · 31/07/2010 13:53

Set the snake free.

And the real snake too (somewhere in the house).

booyhoo · 31/07/2010 13:58

he doesn't care about you. end the relationship and find soemone who loves you and your son. and take your snake.

kayah · 31/07/2010 13:59

on the practical side - I don't know where yo uare but singn up to Freecycle on yahoo
people are giving away good furniture etc
you will have to pay for transport

also in gumtree there are freebies you can pick up

as for DP - he seems quite selfish
but I think you can see it already

miniwedge · 31/07/2010 14:05

He is secretly dumping you. Sorry.

He isn't man enough to end the relationship so is "doing it gradually".

You will move out and he will suddenly become less available, less bothered.....

I'm really sorry, he is clearly a total nob jockey and no one deserves that.

SickOfEverything · 31/07/2010 14:11

Thanks everyone, you're just confirming what I thought. Ever since we've been together he's shown he doesn't really give a shit about me. Don't know why I expected it to be different now.

We were once having one of those daft hypothetical conversations and after seeing something on tv (a bloke slapped a woman in front of her partner) I said to DP "what would you do if some bloke hit me in front of you?" expecting the usual "kill him" etc

He replied "well, I don't know, there would be no point in getting in a fight about it, plus I'd maybe come off worse then we'd both be hurt".

In other words "I'd do fuck all if someone hurt you".

I do want a partner that cares about me properly but tbh at the moment I'm looking forward to being single and living alone with my son, the most important person in my world.

I will never live with another man while my son is at home again. He is the man of my house and will be until he leaves.

OP posts:
ValiumSingleton · 31/07/2010 14:13

Yes, I think you should officially dump him. Tell him you no longer find him attractive. Inside or out... Let him figure out what to do with the snake!

What a coincidence that both you and his ex wife both had snakes!?

colditz · 31/07/2010 14:13

Sick, they aren't all like this.

booyhoo · 31/07/2010 14:14

sickofeverything, there are good men out there, we will both find one

you are doing the right thing by leaving. sorry you are getting so little to take with you but you have your son and as long as you and he are both ahppy and healthy then you are doing the best you can. good luck.

bleedingheart · 31/07/2010 14:15

Ouch, I think you're right and he doesn't care as much as he should. His actions speak louder than his words (although I would interpret them like you did too!)-how else does he treat you?

SickOfEverything · 31/07/2010 14:17

Yes Valium, we had the exact same type of snake too, corn snakes lol (but mine is disabled so I can't just give him to anyone, I'm scared they'll put him to sleep).

I'm kind of looking forward to the challenge of building our home up again from scratch tbh, its not the material stuff that is bothering me. It's just such a kick in the teeth when someone you are sharing your life with turns around and treats you like they've known you for 5 minutes.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 31/07/2010 14:19

I think you have made a very good set of decisions there, SOE. Hope it all works out for you - also see if your local Council has a Furniture Scheme for hardship cases if you can't find what you need on freecycle (are you going to be able to take a laptop with you?)

ValiumSingleton · 31/07/2010 14:20

How much trouble can a disabled snake be?!

He's not prepared to put himself out for you at all is he?!

Dump his ass. Quickly. don't give him the satisfaction.

SickOfEverything · 31/07/2010 14:21

He pressures me for sex and if we can't have sex (period for example) I get no hugs, no kisses or anything. That speaks volumes imo.

He never listens to me, made sure I went to his DC's school concert but wouldn't come and see my son's year 6 leavers production.

He just doesn't give a shit, he never has. I'm such a mug.

OP posts:
ValiumSingleton · 31/07/2010 14:22

Oh he sounds horrible.

Congratulations on your fresh start. Never mind about furniture. Honestly leaving with a few sticks of furniture is a small price to pay for getting rid of this character.

SickOfEverything · 31/07/2010 14:25

Another thing, I suggested I stay here for a few months so I can at least save up for the bare essentials and he pulled a face and said "umm but if something comes up you can't turn it down, you'll just have to make do"

Its alright for mr fooking cushty sat here with his furnished house though isn't it. He's not even prepared to let me save a bit of money up to make it more barable when I go.

OP posts:
ValiumSingleton · 31/07/2010 14:28

wow.... and he doesn't even have the courage to tell you it's over. He's keeping you in a drawer for sex.

You are WELL shot of him.

Kathyjelly · 31/07/2010 14:33

No, I don't think so. You are useful while you are living there but if you're leaving, why should he help because your usefulness has come to an end.

Leave asap and glory in the fact all your efforts will now be in support of your son, who really matters.

booyhoo · 31/07/2010 15:10

Oh you are well rid.

you seem to have a prety sensible head on your shoulders. furniture, i find, has a habit of gathering. friends and family who are looking rid of stuff, boot sales, freecycle, gumtree.

whatifihadneverbothered · 31/07/2010 15:55

He defiantly does not care for you or your son, he just wants you out of his life, and if it was me, I certainly wouldn't be seeing him at weekends just so that he gets his leg over, I'd kick him right to the kerb, and focus on your son and yourself.

You are going to be well shot of the asshole.

Freecycle is a great resource just to get you on your feet, you can always replace stuff later, TBH I'd be wanting to get out of there ASAP, he doesn't want you there and he's made that obvious. What a bastard.