Advice on how to help gay friend - I am out of my depth.

[thedollyridesout]

My friend is going through a very difficult time at the moment. She and her girlfriend had a civil partnership a few years ago and have been together a total of 6 years.

Her partner has in the past year suffered a terrible bereavement but at the same time her career has gone from strength and she now has her dream job.

My friend is a real homemaker and not especially driven career-wise. She has a tendency to 'possessiveness' due to her own insecurities and as a result of this and relocating to a new country together, the two of them have been 'living in each other's pockets' for the past few years.

My friend's partner has expressed a desire for more 'space' and a need to make new friends for herself. My friend has been accommodating to the extent that her partner has stayed out all night twice in the past month.

Friend's partner has admitted to an 'indiscretion' on the first occasion and wedding rings were removed at her request and they have been sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Thanks for reading this far. You can probably tell that I am out of my depth here. What advice can I give apart from the obvious 'you need counselling'?

Stand back, don't take sides, be willing to listen and say little.

Thanks for that ragged. I am trying not to take sides and I am very willing to listen but is there nothing I can say that will help?

What is the prognosis for this relationship?

remove the fact it's a gay relationship from your thoughts and treat them in the same way you would if they were hetro and married.

Imo your friend needs to work on her self-esteem and to get some interests that give her a sense of identity in her own right rather than being part of a couple. Possessiveness is not an attractive quality and maybe her partner feels smothered. Equally, it suits some people to feel so needed.

yes, it is a relationship with problems. the fact that it is a gay relationship should have no bearing on how you can help.

but i agree with ragged. take no sides. be there as a shoulder to cry on.

the prognosis depends on them - do they want to work on the relationship? is that what they both want? are they willing to seek counselling? are they willing to talk with honesty and work out where and why it went wrong, then be willing to put it right without recriminations?

What does your friend think?

It seems she is being accommodatinga and will do what she can to save the relationship.

However, whilst I see the need for space in a relationship and individual as well as shared friends, I do think your friend's partner has taken it too far and things seem to be on her terms.

I agree- don't say too much because if you slag off her partner but she decides to go the distance then it will be akward for you both.

In saying that, if she was my friend, and she asked me outright, I would say what I said above.

Sorry if this is rambling.

This isn't the sort of problem that only gay couples have. I agree with other advice given: work on building your friend's self-esteem and encouraging her to build a life for herself that isn't about hanging around depending entirely on her DW for everything - but don't slag the DW off.

I knew I would get responses telling me to think in terms of a hetero relationship. But it just isn't the same.

My DH can kindly request that I don't stay out overnight at a bloke's house and I can see that it would be inappropriate for me to do so. My friend on the other hand cannot say the same to her OH as she has openly admitted to wanting/needing to make friends, most of whom will naturally be girls.

ladylush I agree with what you have said and I have suggested this to my friend. She has been endeavouring to do so but is finding it increasingly difficult to focus on anything but the demise of her relationship.

OH does not want counselling. My friend is willing to seek counselling for her own issues as well as undertaking couples counselling. Her DW (as SGB put it) is an intelligent articulate woman who thinks that a counsellor wouldn't be able to tell her anything that she doesn't already know.

Does the fact that her DW does not want counselling mean that she is not committed to 'saving' the relationship?

Some people just don't see the point of counselling.It might help to realize that good counselling is about showing you exactly how much you do already know, and couple counselling can be useful for giving both partners the space to really hear each other and be heard.

Basically though, relationships do break down, and there isn't much anybody on the outside can do which will make much difference.

That's a good way of thinking about couples counselling BOF - it removes the whole 'intellectualising' element from it.

My DH says that it sounds like the relationship is over and friend just doesn't want to admit it to herself.

Is he right?

The thing is although they are sleeping in separate rooms they have the odd indiscretion with each other and they still tell each other that they love each other. This scenario has been going on for a month.

Friend was away visiting relatives last w/e and her DW spent a lot of time with OW who she insists is now just a friend.

It appears that she also spent the night with her last night.

Thank you all for replies.

Does the fact that my friend's DW wants to make friends excuse the fact that she has stayed out all night with a women that she has previously gone too far with?

Is it acceptable in most normal functioning relationships?

As a gay women, my friend is also struggling with where to draw the boundaries. I don't think it is as straightforward as a male/female scenario as a women having the need for exclusively male friends is unlikely.

Anyway thanks again for the replies. I am happy to be put straight if any of my ideas are archaic.

I would suggest to your friend that she go ahead and get her own counselling - regardless of this relationship she seems aware that she has her own issues to resolve. Hopefully this will help boost her confidence and give her some clarity of thought, which will stand her in good stead regardless of how this relationship pans out.

She has agreed to do just that Ladylush.

At least she has some good support (you)

thanks ladylush - I'm not sure how much help I am though.

Can you outgrow your partner by moving up in the world of work?

As I said in my OP, my friend is a real homemaker and she has provided the stable backdrop to her DW's success IYKWIM.

Thinking of her and providing a listening ear constitute support and you are doing that so don't underplay your help. It's hard to say (without knowing the couple in question) whether the partner's ambition/job has caused her to grow apart from your friend but certainly different interests do. My h and I used to have very separate social lives because it suited us at the time but on reflection it was not a good thing. We went through a rocky patch but now do things as a couple though still go out independently from time to time.

It's about getting the right balance of time apart and time together, isn't it?

Yes I think so

rings off, separate rooms? the relationship is over, but lesbians are often strangely nice to each other during the break up process, ime. your friend needs to work out if it is worth remaining relatively isolated in another country while flogging this dead horse for a few more months. sorry to be so blunt.

Why are you concentrating on your friends' relationship(s)?
Instead of your own?

Surely that is for them to work out?

Sorry, just wondered....

stripey - flogging a dead horse is the exact expression my friend used - it is how she feels yet she can't just walk away.

Aminata100 - my friend is having a difficult time in her relationship. She calls me up to talk about things as a kind of therapy I guess. I would like to be as much help to her as I possibly can.