Advice on how to help gay friend - I am out of my depth.

[thedollyridesout]

My friend is going through a very difficult time at the moment. She and her girlfriend had a civil partnership a few years ago and have been together a total of 6 years.

Her partner has in the past year suffered a terrible bereavement but at the same time her career has gone from strength and she now has her dream job.

My friend is a real homemaker and not especially driven career-wise. She has a tendency to 'possessiveness' due to her own insecurities and as a result of this and relocating to a new country together, the two of them have been 'living in each other's pockets' for the past few years.

My friend's partner has expressed a desire for more 'space' and a need to make new friends for herself. My friend has been accommodating to the extent that her partner has stayed out all night twice in the past month.

Friend's partner has admitted to an 'indiscretion' on the first occasion and wedding rings were removed at her request and they have been sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Thanks for reading this far. You can probably tell that I am out of my depth here. What advice can I give apart from the obvious 'you need counselling'?

well, if she was a straight friend, what would you say? you know, if she was in a monogamous marriage and her dh suddenly wanted separate rooms and was staying out and having the odd indiscretion, wanted space, wanted to lose his wedding ring? i know people have to make their own decisions in their own time about such things, but if she was my friend i would be making strongly supportive noises whenever she contemplated leaving. and to that end, i might invite her for the weekend, to see if being away helped clarify matters.

She cannot contemplate leaving, that's just it.

I do say the same things that I have said in the past to my straight friends. The problem is that it is my friend who is having trouble defining the boundaries within her relationship due to her DW's 'bad year' and need to make friends.

What Stripey said. Plus it is possible that her OH's 'need to make friends' is a gentle way of saying she wants to be allowed to see other people - in all senses of the word. Please tell your friend she can contemplate leaving. I think her girlfriend is bored of her, and her pity may turn to despising her if she clings much more. Your friend has already accepted behaviour that people in a monogamous relationship usually won't.

But they are married.

It sounds as though your friend is having trouble defining boundaries because the boundaries are being defined in a direction she isn't willing to acknowledge.

Relationships come in all shapes and forms. While there are a (at this historical moment) limited number of heterosexual relationships that are not monogamous, this isn;t absolutely true, and has certainly not been historically true through the ages.

i think you''re getting a bit hung up on the whole "lesbians are different" thing. some lesbian relationships are monogamous (in fact, a lot) and some aren't. The difference lies in whether they are "happy" relationships, where both partners are happy with the set-up.

If your friend's DW was spending the night with friends, and not sleeping with them - and your friend was happy, that would be OK.

If your friend's DW was spending the night with friends and occasionally sleeping with some of them - and your friend was happy, that would be OK.

If your friend's DW was spending all her time at home - and your friend was happy, that would be OK.

Lesbian relationship come in a variety of hues. As do heterosexual relationships. The point is that it should suit both couples. It's not an imperative of lesbian relationships to have sex with friends. Getting someone to stay in of an evening, doesn't preclude them from having sex with others. Just becasue your dh doesn't like you spending the night with other blokes doesn't mean it's a sine qua non of all heterosexual relatiosnhips, as the fact your friends are female does not preclude insisting they spend the nights together.

My dh wouldn't insist I spend the night in, and not on another man;s sofa, for eg. And I have male friends. And just because I;m heterosexual i don't feel impelled to shag the occasional male friend.

I think your friend may very well be simply in denial about the fact that her dw wants different things from this relationship. But surely they must have discussed all that before they were married?

Thanks a lot for that comprehensive response animula.

They agreed to monogamy however her DW appears to have changed her mind. Maybe it is as simple as that. But where does that leave my friend and what can I do to help?

Can you get her to start talking about her future plans? What sort of things she wants out of life, generally? Beyond home-making?

You said she's in another country, is that a long way from you?

Is she very resistant to the idea that her relationship may be ending, so I guess you'll have to be very gentle. But I suppose the ideal thing would be to help her feel positive about herself and her future.

She does sound a little lost, in a way. Is she like that, generally? Or is it something else?

It is all very complicated as she has the chance of promotion but the new job is at her DW's place of work. OW also works there.

I have tried to encourage her to do things for herself but she has already planned 2 trips with her DW. One involves supporting her DW with some family problems and the other is a romantic getaway .

Personally, I think you are getting too involved.
You need to step back because if there is a chance of this relationship survivng - and there could still be - then you giving advice of leaving will cloud that happening.

I think most relationships go through a rocky patch at some point and all it takes is time and effort.

Maybe if your friend was not so needy then her DW would find her attractive etc again. Think how you would feel if you had you DH hanging on you all the time, not wanting to go out alone etc and then you will understand how the DW feels.

There is nothing worse than a needy person to make you feel hemmed in and suffocated.

I agree with what you are saying TheLady. I am desperately trying not to take sides but my friend is hurting so much at the moment and she has been so composed through all of this as she knows her part in it all. It is difficult to make any headway and the longer they say in this kind of limbo the more real damage is being done I think.

I wouldn't advise her to leave as I would not want the fallout on my conscience. I am trying to remain neutral and non judgmental. I think the worst that I have said is that her DW is being in a selfish manner.

I never actually call my friend but I am always ready to take her calls iyswim so I don't think I'm getting too involved. Perhaps in my thoughts but that's OK, no?